daily help?

giggler25

Hoping you ladies can help settle a disagreement between MH and me....

(1) Do you have help with LO and/or household chores on a *daily* basis, for at least 1 hour a day, be it from a family member, friend or hired pro?
ETA: If so, how frequently and what do they do? If not, why?

(2) Are you having trouble finding *quality* time to spend with DH? Also, for S+TMs, at what point did this get better with LO#1? As in, eating dinner together or going out of the house together, etc...

Thanks for your responses!!

LunaBug924

1) I do not have steady help everyday. DH does help a lot when he's home, but he keeps odd work hours and can be gone for 24 hours straight (like tonight). My MIL usually comes over on Tuesdays and Thursdays to "help me", but its more for her to see and hold DD while I do chores (which I'm perfectly capable of doing without her there, which is why I don't consider it a huge help). DH and I have agreed that while I'm staying home that I will do most of the housework so that when he is home, he can enjoy time with DD. I'm fine with this arrangement, but I've always wanted to be a SAHM so I'm figuring out how to get everything done without relying on help. This way it's just an added bonus on the days that I do, hope that makes sense.

2) I wouldn't say that finding quality time has been a struggle, but it's something that we both have to make a conscious effort of at all times. We've had a few date nights (usually just out to dinner while one of our moms watch DD). Dinner together at home has been tough mainly because of his work schedule. But on the nights he is home we try to sit at the table and eat together when DD naps. Again, it takes an effort because some nights it would just be easier to eat in shifts or bring our meals into the living room and watch tv. If you want to talk intimacy, THAT has been a struggle. My drive is non-existent and he is still like a teenage boy. So there is some work to be done for us to level out, but in the meantime I'm doing what I feel comfortable with to keep him "satisfied", and he does nice things for me that are non-sexual but that I enjoy.

I'm a FTM, so I can't speak to when/if things get easier. I will say that DH and my mutual desire to have children is to enhance our marriage, not detract. We both knew that having a baby would alter the paradigm of our relationship and that it will take work on both of our parts not to lose the "us". We talked about this A LOT before and during my pregnancy, so maybe we were better prepared for the challenges. I don't know what your debate is exactly, but I hope you and DH work it out.

momo214

1) No help. We just moved to be by my parents but they have only watched LO during my dr appts. If we had stayed in our old town then no hired help. I should add that we had discussed hiring a housekeeper as several people I worked with used the same lady for a reasonable cost but we would only have her come once every two weeks for the stuff I hate doing.
2) DH works from home right now and I'm on maternity leave until tomorrow. So far we've have more than enough time together. I know starting tomorrow it's going to be much different with me returning to work.

haylo33

1) does DH help? Otherwise no. Not on a daily basis. I never have help from anyone other than DH around the house or cooking. Our families do watch the baby

2) every weekend someone watches the baby so we can go on a date. Our baby is pretty laid back so even at home we still get to watch a movie or TV or just talk. But I definitely feel like we spend less time together and it is hard to not just talk about baby

spinsoffresonance

1) yes and no. I have 2U2. DH stayed home for 2 weeks, then my mom came for 2.5weeks. Then it was just me with DH helping when he's not at work. Right now my friend's 17yo niece is staying with us for the summer to learn English. She's here for 6 weeks total. She helps with DD1 and chores. But at the end of the summer it's just me and DH with no help.

2) when DD1 was a newborn we'd put her in the carrier and go out to bars/dinner. That stopped when she was 4m old and wouldn't sleep in bars anymore. We didnt get a sitter for date night until she was 18m old and we leave after she goes to bed at 8. We've done it a couple times since DD2 was born, left DD1 home and took DD2 with us. Now with 2U2 we don't get out much. I have been making a point of cooking and having family dinner every night since DD1 started solids at 6months. After dinner DH takes DD1 and gets her to bed while I deal with DD2. By the time both are asleep I'm usually passed out too.

yepyepsms

1. No - wouldn't pay for it daily and no family near us. We divide and conquer on everything.

2. I would say around 4-6 months it got better because LO 1 started really having a predictable schedule and early bedtime so we had our evenings together. We didn't do a date night until he was 9 mos tho but that was more because we were in transition moving when he was 6 mos and took a while to feel comfy with getting him a sitter. Can't wait until LO 2 has the earlier more predictable bed time. We desperately need more mommy daddy time. Shit, I need more me time;)

letal316

1) No help, closest family is a four hr flight. But honestly, I don't feel like I need the help. I have plenty of time during the day to keep the house clean and tidy. DH cooks when he gets home in the evening, usually around 6pm.

2) It's been ok so far. We've only had one date night, as I say, we have no family nearby so it's a matter of relying on friends to watch LO. But we go for walks, hikes, to restaurants, shopping with DD, so we're still getting out together frequently. We also have our evenings when DD goes to bed, which is usually around 8pm. I feel like we still have had lots of time to talk and catch up so that's been good. I've been really enjoying these 12 weeks spending time together as a family.

babyaotw

1. Zero help, unless DH counts.

2. Sometimes. Weekends are fine, but LO can have some rough evenings and then it can be difficult. I've noticed as we've gotten more comfortable and confident as parents, it has gotten easier.

bazingaa

1. No. DH travels for work, leaving Monday and not coming back till Friday. No family close by. It's just me and has been just me since the beginning. I think that has forced me to adapt in a way and find time / make time to get stuff done. Sometimes it comes to putting DS in the k'tan and doing chores that way if he is fussing when I put him down.

2. Quality time with the hubby? LOL. Yeah, that doesn't happen. All our friends have young ones too, so it's not going to work to have them watch DS and I'm just not ready yet to find some random sitter to take care of him at only 10wks. We do a lot of walks and hikes like @letal316 said. Nothing that hasn't involved the baby yet though... Someday... Sigh....

lavendergiraffes

babyaotw said:

1. Zero help, unless DH counts.

2. Sometimes. Weekends are fine, but LO can have some rough evenings and then it can be difficult. I've noticed as we've gotten more comfortable and confident as parents, it has gotten easier.

Exactly this. :-)

jjones59

1) no I do not have help on a daily basis. I just have to figure it out. DD goes to preschool two days a week so I get about an hour or two with me and DS unless I've got errands or something to run.

2) DH and I barely spend any time together. He starts work at 6 am and doesn't have a set out time so it depends on the day. DD goes to bed between 7-8 and DS is still in the room with us until the next few weeks. Unless DS is sleeping we spend time together in the hour after DD goes to sleep and then he goes to bed to go to work the next day. We've gone on one date night since DS has been born, that's our extent of being out alone together. 

pistolpackinmomma

1.) No help. Not even from DH. He is gone 5 days a week and it is just me and the boys. My house may not be spotless but we live here and it just looks lived in. We may not eat 3 course meals but my toddler doesn't seem to mind much.

2.) we struggle but only because he travels for work. Some weeks he is home a whole 36 hours.

dogsombrero

1. Nope nope nope. No family around at all. I've learned that IDAGF if it's super clean etc I learned to let it go. Very freeing.

2. Jules is too little to leave with someone for my taste. We eat out somewhere "kid-friendly" aka has a car seat sling at least once a week. We recognize that this is temporary and really enjoy our son. When he is big enough to leave with a sitter we'll probably go out alone once or twice a month but we enjoy each other's company hanging out watching trashy tv and eating junk on Sundays. We own a business so anything is quality time if we are together and off work.

crystalmir91385

1. Nope. I do what chores I can in the evening when DH spends time with DD. Usually for about an hour a night.

2. DH and I haven't had any real quality time yet. DH thinks DD is too young to go out to restaurants with us, even though I've gone out with MIL multiple times. We did spend one evening at a wedding, which was a nice break. Otherwise, we spend all our together time with DD.

deanna1313

1.) yes, my mother in law cooks dinner for us every night. She lives around the corner so we go over for dinner. I have post partum depression and being with other people helps distract me from my thoughts a lot and it's also hard to get things accomplished for some reason. Other than that I don't have any other help at home. I'm home all day by myself.

2.) no, we haven't had any quality time together. It's been tough, but we try to have movie nights at home and order takeout or go out for ice cream. We just haven't gone out without the baby yet.

delatl

1) not daily but my DH works from home 3 days a week and does most of the HH chores.
2) we squeeze it in here and there. My LO is too fussy to bring out much, which is really disappointing. But we usually watch a show together once she's asleep and we try to find activities we can do with her on weekends, which is hard because she's unpredictable and we often have to cut things short. It helps he's at home do much, even if he's working. We're able to grab time throughout the day. That will change when I return to work next month but I'm hoping she'll also go to bed earlier by then and well get our evenings back.

britab

(1) Do you have help with LO and/or household chores on a *daily* basis, for at least 1 hour a day, be it from a family member, friend or hired pro?

No, no help. DH and I live 800 miles from family. Some friends made us freezer meals but that is all the help we have had. I do most of the chores since I'm at home. DH helps with DD when he gets home. Mostly putting her to bed. She's EBF. I don't think I need hired help nor do we have the $ for it but DD is a pretty mellow baby. If my family were closer we'd probably have them watch her sometimes.
(2) Are you having trouble finding *quality* time to spend with DH? Also, for S+TMs, at what point did this get better with LO#1? As in, eating dinner together or going out of the house together, etc...

I imagine everyone with little kids or kids at all struggle for quality alone time. We are getting about an hour a day alone since DD is starting to get to bed a little earlier. We run errands and do things like the farmers' market or going out to eat with DD but nothing without her so far. My goal is to see the next Hunger Games in the theater, so maybe a date night in November without baby. 

Nikkipal82

1. I do not have daily help, family is all at least 3 hrs away. Once a week we have a nanny who watches LO while I'm at work, and she does LO's laundry and does some light housekeeping too. It's wonderful. I work 2-3 days/week (alternating), so the other days DH is home with LO. This means we only get a day off together about 2 times per month, but we're making it work as best we can.

2. We are trying to go on a date together once per month. We've been on 3 so far. It was hard to leave her the first time, but it's good for our relationship to get away sometimes. So far we've left her with parents/IL's when they come to visit, but some of our friends have volunteered to keep her for date nights as well, and our nanny is willing to do some from time to time as well. We just got tickets to Phantom of the Opera for our October date-- I can't wait!

pistolpackinmomma

So what was the argument??

giggler25

Thanks for all the replies, ladies!! I've been reading all of them and so appreciate everyone sharing your info with me!!

@pistolpackinmomma‌ - It wasn't an argument exactly. MH is trying to convince me that I need help during the day with DD, BC he thinks everyone else gets help. I disagree, and I think I'm doing fine but just wanted to see what other moms with babies in this age range do.

ho11yday

1) We have no additional help--not daily, not weekly. I have offered to hire a cleaning service to help DH feel better about the house but he so far has said no.

2) When I work, I'm often not home until 930p-10p. As a result, we keep the kids up until about 1030 so I can have a chance to say good night. As long as they are in bed by then, DH and I have about an hour of time together, alone. I took one May14 mom's advice about the wine/cheese tasting in bed as a sort of date. It was really relaxing and can't wait to get another "date" in.

As for actually getting out of the house...eh. It helps when you have one of the following: 1) a babysitter, 2) family, 3) say screw it and take your kid out for a breakfast or lunch date. Once DS1 got old enough to sit up in a high chair, things got a lot easier as for going out or eating dinner at the table. It is still hard to go out right now with DS2 being just 9 weeks.

Family dinner includes one of us holding DS2 while DS1 and the other one of us eats and then switch. Super looking forward to DS2 sitting in high chair for meals.

jenb_99

If someone offered to get me help, I'd take 'em up on it!