Hello, I've been lurking for a while and you have all been more helpful than you'll ever know. This is long one, so I understand if you TLDR. It just makes me feel better getting it out. And in some odd way, reading everyone's story makes me feel better, because it hurts a little less knowing I am not alone in my feelings. I am so very sorry for your loss and if you have posted here, you've already been in my T&Ps.
I BFP on 6/21 after a very faint line on 6/13 and then rechecked and saw an even fainter line on my 6/15 test. We were cautiously excited bc the lines were all faint, but visible. I called the doctor and schedules an intake appt with the nurse for 7/3 - our anniversary. A quan verified that we were pregnant, but my numbers were low. The nurse called after the appt saying the numbers weren't doubling at the proper rate and the doctor wanted to move up our u/s to Monday. I knew in my gut this was not a good thing, but tried to stay positive for the baby's sake and our anniversary.
7/7 the u/s showed a sac, but she couldn't find any development or at least not what should be developing. We then started the waiting game...my number kept rising slowly and I really struggled with what to do. My mom didn't want to give up, she believe the baby just had to fight harder. When I told this to the nurse one day, she responded, "Did you tell her there's nothing in there? That's there's no chance??" That really tore me up, she also used the word abort, but by then I couldn't even comprehend sentenced I could just hear words, in particular the ones that cut me like a knife.
My husband took the doctor's words as gospel, he decided there was no chance and started the process of moving on. I was trapped in the middle - not knowing what to do and pleading with my body to "figure things out" on it's own. My body betrayed me, I waited 11 days for it to do something on it's own before reaching my doctor's deadline for a decision.
7/18 was a really bad day. I arrived at the doctor's office and signed in by 9:10 for my quan blood draw, there was no one in line in front of me. At 9:20 a pregnant woman arrived and signed in, 5 mins later they took her back before me. I had a min break down. I needed to get to work and I had been there first. It feel like a huge slap in the face - like the office was shooting "you aren't important because you're not pregnant anymore! So just keep waiting while the pregnant ladies get to cut in line." I know this is ridiculous, but that's how it felt. Then they offered to let me go back and sit with the pregnant woman while she got her blood drawn, which made me cry bc of course I didn't want to sit with her. I just wanted out of there. When I finally got called back, the tech decided to be the one person in the office to "believe" my baby had a chance. When I said I was miscarrying, she said, "Are you sure? Maybe you're not, maybe everything will be ok." I wanted to die, that I had convince this stranger, with access to my chart, that no, there is no chance and my baby is gone. All in all, it took more than 40 mins to get my blood drawn, which ever other time has taken less than 15 or less.
I figured since the day started off so well, why not step it up a notch...really bad attempt t humor...
So around 9:30pm I inserted my first dose of misoprotol. I was finally swayed by the suggestion that the longer I waited, the increased chance I had for retained tissue. Doc & I wanted to avoid a D&C due to risk of scarring and my age being 35. I was in a good deal of pain, but bc of this board, had asked for painkillers, so it wasn't as bad as I had expected. 6 hours later I inserted the second dose. By this time I was passing large clots and within 5 mins I could feel a large clot pass. I continued to lay still for 35 mins, but found my fear was correct - the clot had pushed the pills away from my cervix and it appeared very little was absorbed into my body.
The next morning I called the doc that was on-call for my practice to see if I needed a prescription for another dose since I hadn't absorbed much of the second dose. To say he was unhelpful would be an understatement, instead he interrogated on why I didn't get a D&C instead of going the medicine route, second guessing my doctor's recommendation. He was didn't give me another prescription, despite telling me the second dose is "what usually does the trick."
I have a follow up u/s on Monday, 7/28 to see if I have any retained tissue. I am really hoping I don't, my body is so tired. I keep hoping I'll fall asleep and just wake up when it's all over - Rip VanWinkle like, but that's a bit of a pipe dream...
So I'm back to waiting, but the pain on top of the emotions is almost too much to take. I just want to get through this. I want to sleep through the night. I want to be able to go to the bathroom without feeling like I'm going to pop from the pressure in my lower abdomen. I want people to stop asking if I'm pregnant when I cancel plans because I don't feel...I want to scream at them for unknowingly being insensitive jerks.
We wanted this baby really bad, we had been trying for a year and DH has been seeing a specialist for his fertility issues. And now I feel this hollowness inside my chest. I know it sound insane, but I can most feel the air swirl around inside me, in the emptiness that the loss has left behind. I breathe shallow breaths, hoping to keep the feeling at bay.
This forum has really helped me - support, information, diversion, etc. I really appreciate each of you and I will hold you all in my T&Ps. We'll get through this...I don't know how, but I know we will. Stay strong.
Re: Hello...sorry to meet you this way
The rest of the day I walk around emotionally numb trying to hide everything from my co-workers...they didn't know and I don't want them to know we were trying since we hope to again.
At home I am guarded still bc DH is also looking for a job during this difficult time, so I don't want to drag him down with me as he needs to be up beat and positive on interviews.
Thanks for giving me a place I can be myself... albeit a new sort of broken version of myself...