Stepson is breaking apart our family

KochavKatan

I suspect this will be long as there are so many issues here, so I apologize in advance.

My husband has full custody of his 12 year old son since he was about 5 years old.  Bio Mom calls here and there and has seen him a total of 2 times since he began living with his dad.  He was taken away from her twice due to spanking by his stepdad and this has severely damaged him. 

When I met them (3 years ago), he was 9 and throwing tantrum like that of a 3 year old.  Would refuse to enter the shower at night or exit the car when they got home or brush his teeth or any other very routine things and would literally throw himself on the ground, screaming bloody murder as if you were chopping off his arm, hitting his dad, threatening to call the police on him if he would try to physically pick him up from the floor, etc.  He maintained control over his father and this was very hurtful for me to see as his father is such a gentle and kind man.  His father also has HUGE guilt trips over the fact that the bio mom is mostly absent and everything else his son had to endure at such an early age.  This makes him go very soft on him which only allows him to get away with such behavior.

I have a 13 year old son myself and when we first met, the boys were best of friends as they share many great hobbies and can be quite similar in many ways.  However, as soon as we all moved in together, my stepson began making stories up to get my son into trouble which lead to a tense relationship between them.  He would also lie, cheat, steal from us, stores in the neighborhood, and his new stepbrother.  More tension and anger.

My approach has been to be strict with him and give him more boundaries, something his first psychologist very much agreed with.  He also diagnosed him with oppositional defiance disorder with narcissistic tendencies.  This basically means that he refuses to accept that anyone has authority over him and he does not have to listen to the rules.  Not ours.  Not society's.  He is also very manipulative and will say whatever you want to hear in order to get what he wants.  This has worked wonders with my husband's extended family as they see him as a pure angel who can do no wrong and blame our recent marriage (two years ago) in all of these troubles.

Because of the psychological issues, consequences with him generally have to get much more severe than they ever have to get with my son, since my son seems to get it and back off once he receives a consequence.  For example, if they both did something against the rules and got the same consequence (say, internet priv taken away), my son would generally be upset but will obey the consequence and gain it back shortly thereafter, whereas my stepson would try to use the computer when we are not looking, then when that gets disconnected, find a tablet he can use and hide that, and when we find that and take that away, he would break into our room to steal it back and when we would then ground him, he would run away from home and go use the internet at the library or something. 

We sent both boys to camp and stepson got himself kicked out after 2 weeks for picking fights with others, urinating on someone's clothes/towel while at the showers, etc.  He then threatened to run away from camp, leaving them no choice but send him home.  I feel like his behavior is completely out of control and it takes all of our energy just to try and keep him in line (or try, rather).  This leaves both of us irritable and with very limited patience for anything else.

His family has offered to take him in for a while which I think will give us a huge mental break and give us a chance to focus on our baby, but because they refuse to acknowledge that he has a problem that needs to be dealt with, I worry that they will just spoil him and turn a blind eye to the issues and the issues will only get more and more severe with age that by the time he comes back to live with us, he will be completely out of control.  My husband refuses to send him to live with any of them because of that reason.  Talking to them and trying to explain to them has gotten us nowhere as they keep repeating "he's an angel" to us over and over again instead of listening. 

We are expecting our first child together in a couple of months, I am very concerned that we will not have patience to deal with both a baby and this situation with my stepson and that it may get to the point where our family will break apart because of his behavior.  Obviously this breaks my heart as I wanted nothing more than to have this big happy family, but that is not going to happen, it seems.  My poor husband is torn over this (barely sleeps, goes to bed angry and frustrated many nights, etc.) and truth be told, my own feelings for my stepson have mostly turned into anger and resentment because of what he is doing to our family.  The last thing I want is for us to have to separate as I am very much in love with my husband and want to be there for him and support him through this, but at the same time, I feel like I am putting my new baby in a very stressful situation. 

I am feeling very lost and hopeless and can use all the support and advice I can get.

KochavKatan

I should also mention that his psychologist told us that if we don't get his behavior under control and soon, he will most likely end up in jail, a prospect that very much scares us both.  His lack of remorse or empathy, combined with his refusal to adhere to rules is the main reason behind what his psychologist has recently said to us.

Nineoceans

Your approach is strict consequences and rules but is that the same approach Dh has? Honestly I can say anything in the world to my SS but if Dh doesn't back me up he doesn't care. It's all about how the bio parent responds. Be honest with yourself does Dh ALWAYS stick with consistent discipline or does he just give up and give in sometimes?

rachel050182

I am not an expert in any of this, other than I can relate to having a step children and inlaws that see them as perfect angels and get frustrated with my husband and I because we do not give into the kids every request and demand. They lost their biological mom when they were very young and so my husband's family have helped raise them to be very spoiled. Nothing like your situation at all.

My best friend is in a blended family as well, but it is her biological daughter (14 years old) who has been causing a lot of problems in the family. She was diagnosed this year with RAD (reactive attachment disorder) and while she does not have the outbursts you describe with your stepson, she has a very difficult time with authority, cannot distinguish between right and wrong, and has no sense of empathy. It has been a huge strain on their marriage and their family as a whole and my friend has a lot of guilt because it is her daughter. 

I'm glad that you and your husband have a psychologist seeing your son. Are there any additional treatments that the dr. has suggested? For example, is there a treatment that could include your husband in like a group counseling session? Or perhaps has the psych mentioned residential treatment as an option where your stepson can get round the clock supervision from experts who can help? That may not be something you would consider, but it might be worth looking into as it would help relieve some stress in you and your husband's life, while simultaneously providing your step son with the support and tools he needs that you guys may not be equipped to give him.

Regardless of what you do, my heart goes out to you and your family. 

ldmessing

the boy needs help, perhaps an inpatient program?

KochavKatan

Like I said, my husband is definitely softer and tends to forgive and forget most of what his son does, seconds after he does them.  After the psychologist told him he may end up in prison, he has tried to get tougher, but having to fight off his family has been really hard on him to maintain that tough guy exterior

The only inpatient program we have heard about is basically going through family court and asking a judge to remove him from the home and put him in a "group home" with round the clock supervision.  However, it feels awfully similar to being sent to foster care, a very sore point for my husband.  Once the courts are involved, if they decide he is to be sent there for 6 months, it will be completely out of our hands (meaning we cannot bring him back after a month or so). 

rachel050182

It honestly sounds like if he does go to some kind of inpatient facility then he would need to be there for an extended period of time anyway. I'm not sure where you live, but there are residential treatment facilities, much like a residential school, for kids his age who have psychological disorders. This is totally different than a group home that a court would order. Trust me, I've looked into this for my girlfriend's daughter. If your stepson's psychologist cannot give you information about one, you may want to consider finding a specialist that has more experience with your stepson's disorder. A residential facility would be a place where you can still visit him and where he gets that around the clock support. I am sure you've done research on what he has been diagnosed with, but you might want to do see what you can find on the treatment of it, or a specialist in your area that can provide more specific support/solutions for your family. Help is out there!

ambrvan

I think the National Guard has some sort of adolescent boot camp for defiant, unruly kids. I don't know any details on it. I just know that a co-worker of mine considered sending her son this summer. She heard about it from a recruiter.

freeatlast2014

I have a friend at work who's son has the same defiance disorder. She has shown me videos of his outbursts and it's terribly sad. She cries many days and she and her husband (they are still married) struggle in their marriage as well. It's very sad. They have a psychologist for him, individual therapy for him, and family therapy/marriage counseling for her and her husband. It takes constant work.

On the other hand, my stbxh was given over to the courts and went to The Family School and it was court ordered. He was not allowed to leave to go to his great grandmother's funeral. He witnessed abuse there in many forms and suffers from the strict and excessive rules that were placed upon him. He had nightmares many nights about living there for like 2 1/2 years. My marriage did not last. He was abusive toward me and abused drugs.

I would not suggest sending him away like that. I would try a place that you can visit, a therapist, family counseling. I know adding newborn sleep deprivation will intensify what is going on, plus adjusting to the change of adding another family member will be hard on the boys too. I wish you the best.

alb2411

I very much feel for your situation. There's nothing worse than seeing a child suffer because of things beyond his control. Then having to deal with it as a parent, concerned for that child and the other children in the house. 

My only advice to you, is that if you do begin to seriously consider the "group home" route, do as much research as humanly possible into the facility he will be in. You need to know what assistance/information will be provided to you while he is in the home, but most importantly, after he returns to your home. 

My personal story - my younger brothers went into a group home several years ago because it was supposed to help with their myriad of behavioral problems. A plan was set up where they would live in the home for a few months and then slowly be reintegrated into life at home with my mother. Once they were back in her home there would be frequent check-in sessions and guidance provided to her on how to maintain the improvement they showed.

They seemed to be improving while in the home from the reports we received. Reintegration seemed to be going okay when it got to that point. And then, when my brothers returned home, everything just stopped. No one came to check-in, no one offered any advice or instruction to my mother, she could rarely get someone on the phone. The boys resented her for sending them there, and she didn't have any of the support she was promised from the program in order to work through that with them. It wasn't too long before things went back to the way they were before, and then began to get worse. 

I don't mean to scare you, but just to give you a first hand experience of how the group home option can go for a family in this situation. I'm sure there are people out there who can counteract this story with very postive outcomes, but unfortunately that is just not what my family experienced. I agree with what others have said here that researching other facilities, therapy and family counseling first would be the best way to go. But obviously only you and your husband will know what works best for you. I'll be thinking of you and your family while you navigate these waters.

ldmessing

KochavKatan said:

The only inpatient program we have heard about is basically going through family court and asking a judge to remove him from the home and put him in a "group home" with round the clock supervision.  However, it feels awfully similar to being sent to foster care, a very sore point for my husband.  Once the courts are involved, if they decide he is to be sent there for 6 months, it will be completely out of our hands (meaning we cannot bring him back after a month or so). 

no, check with your insurance carrier there are plenty of good inpatient programs for troubled children that do not require a judge to send him away.  We had our sd in one 2 years ago.

Sigir

I can't imagine deciding to get pregnant while living in such a volatile situation, but I know that ship has sailed. Things are only going to get worse, much worse, when the pressures of a baby are added. If your dh is not willing to do the work that needs to be done, or consider inpatient treatment, I would look into moving you, your son and your baby out of there before the baby comes. I am so sorry you are going through this, but honestly unless your dh's treatment of the situation changes dramatically, the only happy outcome I see is creating a happy, calm life for you and your two kids, apart from this conflict. Get yourself some support and protect your two kids.

Nineoceans

I have to strongly disagree with incorrigibility charges/letting the court place him. You have identified the issue; Dh is soft and the extended family is worse.

I have worked with a lot of kids who are now adults and were adjudicated. You take a troubled fish and put him in a pond full of sharks. I promise when he comes back he will not only have an attitude problem but he will have learned street skills that you don't want him to have from much harder kids. I promise it will be a nice break and maybe even a nice honeymoon when he gets back for a minute but you will have a much bigger problem in the long run...like setting the family pet on fire, stealing, violent act types of problems. That's not someone you will be able to have around an infant.

Take Dh to a counselor who will nail his a$$ to the wall for not following through with consequences and set expectations and limits for the extended family as well.

SimpleJane

You need to sit down with the professional in charge of his mental health and explain how out of control things are and seek his guidance. There definitely are inpatient programs and or day programs that can monitor him during an intense therapy/behavior mod and possible med change. He may need different meds. I think the only thing to do at this point is to get on the same page as your husband and sit down and share your issues together with his psychologist.

My BF's brother (14) has ODD among other things. The situation sounds similar. He went to a few months of a day program (similar to school hours every day) when everything just became to much for the family to deal with behavior wise. They changed his meds, monitored him, and set him up with services for when he started back in his old routine, including a professional who comes to his house and helps him stay on task with homework/chores/behavior a few times a week and coaches the parents about consequences. It made all of the difference in the world. To get help like 5 his you have to advocate for him with his psychologist though. Make it clear this is a huge strain on your family and things need to be better evaluated.

SueBear

Talk to your / DH/s insurer.  I am sure there are private treatment facilities where SS can get the help he needs without being turned over to the state.

I also think you need family counseling to address how DH handles the situation, as well as your DS who has to live in this mess.

Why did you decide to bring a new baby into this situation?  Not a smart move on your part.

ambrvan

I wasn't thinking this child was mentally ill. I never saw any mention of it from the OP. For rebellious child, I wouldn't bat an eye at summer but camp, but not for a mentally ill child/person.

If I missed that information, I am sorry. I have only sporadically come back to review this post.

Regardless, a few PP's gave great advice, and I would never send him to live with ILs or the group home. I strongly agree with Nineoceans points.

redrae78

My thoughts and prayers are with you.  

phdprocrastinator

Sorry to butt in.  Not sure how I ended up on Blended Families, but this post caught my eye...

Aside from seeing a psychologist, have you been given any sort of behavioral support for your son?  Does he get support at school?  Have an IEP?  Does he have a behavior plan at school?  If so, can you ask for support for home?

I'm a behaviorist (usually work with kids with ASD), and one of the red flags I see here is the need to escalate the punishment.  Research shows that this is generally unsuccessful.  It's like the analogy of boiling a frog: put a frog in boiling water, and it'll jump out right away.  Put a frog in cold water and slowly turn up the heat, and it will sit in the water until it's boiled.  For some kids, particularly with ODD, they don't seem to feel the discomfort of the punishment in the way we would expect.  

With your husband, I would come up with a behavior management plan.  Something that might get your husband's buy-in would be to develop a clear set of consequences - so for an X type infraction, the punishment will be Y.  Both of your sons can be involved in creating this plan, too.  So your stepson can't claim that it's unfair or unexpected, because he was involved and your husband can't get out of it because it's clearly written out.

I'd also consider switching from punishments like taking X away and to doing chores.  Make a list of chores that nobody ever wants to do.  When it's time for a consequence, the boys must choose whatever number of chores (so, more serious infractions get more chores) from a jar or deck of cards.  Then, no privileges (TV/computer/after school programs - whatever your SS would really want) until the chores are done.  Kiddos with ODD often respond better to this type of punishment because it gives them some sense of control.  As I'm sure you're painfully aware, they really like control!

Finally, I would reinforce the heck out of any and all positive behavior you see.  Praise, extra privileges, etc.  Set a goal for yourselves: you'll find X number of good things to say to your SS each day.  It sounds silly, but can be powerful.  I would also work with your husband to figure out a way he and his son can bond on a regular basis.  It sounds like he's parenting out of guilt, which is only playing into SS's hands.  If he can feel like he's getting good bonding time in, it might help him be stricter when necessary.

You might want to look into Triple P to see if any parenting resources are provided in your area.  It sounds like your SS's a very challenging child to parent, but at the same time you want to do the best you can for him.  You may also look for behaviorists who work with adolescents with ODD, although that can be pricey and insurance coverage is hit-or-miss.  You can find the registry of certified behaviorists at www.bacb.org

Best of luck to you!  

JM1977

I am also not a regular here but noticed your post. I'm a clinical psychologist, so I have an interest in these types of issues.  I think your best bet is intensive family therapy. You all need to figure out ways to break the dysfunctional patterns you've gotten into. I don't think sending him away is beneficial unless it's absolutely necessary for safety reasons. I would look for therapists who offer some of the following (outpatient) treatments which have been shown to be very effective with children with behavioral disorders: multisystemic therapy, family systems therapy, family behavior therapy, or strategic family therapy. It will take a lot of hard work, but I really think family therapy can help you all turn this around.

Twiggymommy

I was diagnosed with odd when I was about 7 along with intermittent explosive disorder when I was 10... I was on all kinds of meds and they really did help a lot. Is your step son on any meds? I'd not I'd look in to that.

But it grew our of it.... So there may be hope for him! But please don't throw him in to a court ordered group home. As pps have said he may come back worse than when he left. My mom looked in to one for me and her lawyer basically told her that if I was placed in a home I would get chewed up and spit out. My friend who actually did get sent to one ended up running away from home as soon as she got back has been arrested 12 times in 8 years for everything from felony possession of Crack to lewd acts to prostitution. She only recently started making amens with her family because it was either she went in to long term treatment /rehab or she goes to prison.

Just a cautionary tale lol