Hi ladies. I've lurked a little bit, but hopefully this is not a duplicate question.
Background - I have 3 kids, a boy and 2 girls. DS will be 9 tomorrow and we believe he has Asperger's Syndrome. He does not have an official medical diagnosis yet, but the school did their own evaluation and he falls under their ASD umbrella. From the research I've done and information I've been given he sounds relatively mild, but there are still things we have to work around. His primary issues are social/emotional, but his sensitivities and "quirks" have become more pronounced as he's gotten older.
In Nov. we'll be adding a new baby sister to the mix and I'm not sure how he'll take it. He was 5 when DD2 was born and took it in stride, but as I said some things are more pronounced now than they were then. His sensitivity to sound and dependence on routine are the two things I'm most concerned about. LO is due Nov 2nd, fairly close to Thanksgiving break which is a time we generally start to run into problems at school. Our theory has been that the break in routine has been what's disturbing him and we're going to be adding an unpredictable baby at almost the same time. Ah!
Noise is also an issue. DS and LO will have rooms next to each other and sound carries easily through the wall. I'm not too concerned about LO waking him (he could sleep through a nuclear attack once he's really out) but I am worried about the opposite. I've read that many Aspies have no concept of how loud they are to others and that is most definitely true for him. What really worries me is the potential for a feedback loop from hell; He wakes baby, baby cries, he starts yelling about baby yelling, and I pull all my hair out.
Also, DS does not like other kids his age or younger and heavily prefers adult interaction. I'm worried that he will resent LO for taking away his adult time. And it's not like I can force a newborn to stick to his schedule every single day. He's not necessarily focused on time yet, so maybe once LO is in a routine I can adjust DS's routine, but if a time-specific thing (like his favorite show, etc) intrudes on it that could be bad.
So basically I guess what I'm asking is if anyone has any experience with these issues, or if you ladies can point me in the right direction on how to handle these issues?
TIA!
Re: Asperger's and new baby
Or RDI/ABA/Floortime?
I would start now with doing the RDI approach of 'just noticeable differences' and strengthening his ability to handle change.
This could be using the blue cup instead of the green, switching up the dinner seating arrangement, doing 2 stories instead of 1 (or 1 instead of 2), basically any small changes you can make to his normal routine to help make him realize that he can handle change and you trust him to handle it.
As for the noise issue, get a good white noise machine for the nursery and keep it on and turned up when baby is sleeping, it should help blend out big brother being loud and get the baby used to noise when sleeping.
As for the time and attention thing, this is going to be tricky but I would start with books/shows that address having a new baby. This is a common issue for families so I imagine you can find one that is on his level and the two of you could read it together.
Also make regular plans with him once the baby is here for the two of you to do things he likes (Legos/video games/whatever) while Dad watches the baby and vice versa. Then when he is wanting attention you can remind him, when the baby naps we'll do x, when dad gets home we'll do y.
And find things you can do while tending the baby. If he likes drawing put baby in a sling/ergo and sit and draw, if he loved being outside wear the baby and go out to the park. There are plenty of hands free activities you can do with him while wearing the baby and then when baby needs to be fed you can tell him 'time out while baby eats then we'll play some more'
Because of his age our insurance will not cover the evaluation. We are trying to save up for it. So far we've been quoted about $900, which is astronomical for us right now.
His social/emotional deficits are by far the biggest problems overall, but he is definitely more sensitive to sounds than he was at age 5. Although I have started to wonder if this is a learned feedback loop - a more minor sensitivity that he has learned to exaggerate to get more interaction from adults. He can be very manipulative like that. He has also only recently developed an aversion to crunchy foods, like peanuts and raw carrots. He had no problems with those even last year. Totally came out of the blue.
We held DS back in 1st grade because, although he technically passed, we felt he was not ready for the increased workload of 2nd grade and we are very very glad we did. He'll be starting 3rd grade next month.
The biggest problems at school are him staying focused and transitions. He also has personal space issues and gets OT at school for fine and gross motor delays, although the fine motor will probably stop this coming year since he's pretty much caught up there. He gets one or two "breaks" from the classroom to help with frustration (he has an obvious social interaction quota and needs a 20 or so minute break to reset it) and goes to small group instruction during that time. This year that will include a social group.
I've never heard of RDI or Social Thinking support, so I'll have to look into those. One of the problems we have is that he can understand a rule/expectation intellectually (and be able to point out others who break it) but will have a meltdown when the same rule/expectation is applied to him.
He would be perfectly content to have his sisters disappear, and yes, they are both NT. He used to be very possessive of DD1 (17 months younger) but has gotten more distant in the last few years. He mostly ignored DD2 (5 years younger) until she was mobile, and then it was pretty obvious he didn't like her. I think that's at least partly due to the fact that she is an extremely active kid. I often joke that she's all the boy he never was. All that being said, this summer he has played cooperatively with DD1 and even a little with DD2. That is a huge step for him and hopefully a sign that he's maturing a little bit.
We're not sure why he doesn't like other kids. One of our theories is that younger kids are too unpredictable for him, and therefore he prefers more predictable teens or adults. Another theory is that there's no benefit that he can see to having friends his age, whereas adults can get/do things for him (help with schoolwork, give him computer time, take him out of the classroom, etc). Like I said, he can be manipulative. Although, sometimes he will want to play and it's obvious he just doesn't know how to initiate it. He refuses to just go and ask to play.
Most of the time he flat out ignores other kids, or anyone he doesn't view as "of use" for that matter. He has only learned the name of two classmates, ever. One was another SN student he was often paired with and the other was "Harmony... she's pretty." Oddly, if his teacher said "Give this to Jimmy." he'd have no problem doing it but if she asked him "What's his name?" he'd have trouble.
I had no idea "Aspie" was offensive. Sorry! Thanks for telling me.
Hopefully I can find a job soon and DH is probably getting a promotion this fall and then we can get on board with the dx. Thanks so much for the input!
Mo 11/4/14
Wait, What?!? - EDD 11/1/19
I have no idea what the social group will be like, other than 3rd-5th graders with similar issues will be in it. His ESE teacher last year only handled through K-2, so I'll have to talk to the 3-5 ESE teacher when school starts.
The closest teaching hospital is an hour away in the next state, but I will definitely ask around about sibling studies. In have been asking about sibling resources for my girls, but no one has been able to point me to anything yet.
As far as sounds, it does seem to be linked to his familiarity with the environment. If it's an unfamiliar place he is a lot more likely to react to noise so anxiety probably is a factor.
I have said several times that he's roughly on par with his 3 yr old sister emotionally. The social part is probably fairly accurate too, but since their personalities are so drastically different it's hard to tell for sure. His 7 yr old sister is my social butterfly, although he hasn't shown any signs that he cares about that at all. Unfortunately, she doesn't really try to hide the fact that she resents some of his behaviors and the things we have to do to deal with them. It was hard on her to switch schools last year because the school district moved his services. She's the main reason I'm trying to find classes or other things for siblings.
Mo 11/4/14
Wait, What?!? - EDD 11/1/19