how long did it take...

Mills0401

I'm new...I go in on Thursday for a D&C. My husband says that we can try again but as of right now I don't even want to think about it. I feel like my heart has been ripped out. My question is how long did it take to the pain to ease? How long did it take before you were ready mentally and emotionally to try again?

Km380

I'm sorry for your loss. You have to first wait for the dr to clear you after your d&c to ttc again. For me, my second I had a d&c and I swore I was done. Completely. That slowly changed. Everyone is different. Give yourself time to heal physically and emotionally.

shandorfml2

Give yourself time to heal and grieve. No one can tell you it will take X amount of days/weeks/years, everyone is different

Mills0401

I will wait until I get my Dr OK before trying. Do guys take a loss like this differently? I'm fine one minute then an emotional wreak the next. I have chosen to work this week because to be honest it helps keep my mind off things. My husband seems to be doing fine but I think its just him being strong for me.

LisaG09

The day and week that I was in limbo, though pretty sure that the baby was gone, we decided we were done completely. We'd never try again, maybe we could adopt we decided. The day of the D&C, I felt so very empty inside and I wanted nothing more than to be pregnant again. I felt like I would have a hole inside of me until I was pregnant.

One week shy of four months later, I almost feel like I did before the first time of trying. I want to be pregnant because I want to have a baby not because I'm empty any more. I still have emotional wreck days and I have normal days. I usually cry at least every other day but I'm ok.

Honestly, I think I started to feel better after our first cycle of trying ended. I was so eager to be pregnant again and once I came to terms with that it might take awhile, I really felt better. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Poppy715

There's no given time that you can meet where you will feel better again. There aren't benchmarks to meet. Many of the ladies here will tell you the pain never goes completely away. It's hard to hear but you have a new normal.

Many men process things differently. My Husband doesn't talk much about what happened but he dies like to talk about our daughter. Just be honest with your H and tell him how you feel. Loss is REALLY hard on a relationship.

I highly suggest you check out our blog. It's posted on the top if the board and on the Read First post. It has so much info that can be helpful. I'm very sorry for your loss. I hope you and your H are able to get on the same page about trying again (once your DR cleared you).

Flowerstar1023

I was a blubbering, tearful, hysterical at times mess. It gets easier. But I'm not sure you ever feel the same again. I found an email my husband sent me the day after we found out we were pregnant while cleaning up some folders in my email program today and I still had to pause for a minute to gather my thoughts before deleting it and moving on. Other's pregnancies are still hard, but that's a lot better too.

Be kind to yourself. I hope the D&C goes as smoothly as these sorts of things can. Hugs. Focus on you right now. And yes, husbands process things differently - I don't think it's as personal although it can be deeply painful for them too. Just make sure you're honest about what you need. 

jjbmstinco

These ladies are wise.  I don't think the heartache will ever go away, but like @EurydiceNymph said, when the want outweighs the fear. I hope you and your H find some peace with everything that is going on. Be kind to yourself. 

Welcome the the board.  I am sorry for your loss. 

stinybean

I'm sorry for your loss. You and your hubby are the only ones that can decide when the time is right (of course pending Dr's approval). Your healing will have it's ups and downs. Many (HUGS)

meredithcarole

I am so sorry for your loss. As almost everyone has said, people process loss in their own way and time. That being said, I think the first month was the hardest for me. Bad days got fewer and farther between after that, but they still happen. I got teary eyed today looking at a photo - it has been 4 months since my loss.

LittleMrsW

For me, it was the hardest immediately after my loss.I'm almost 4 months out now and although it has gotten easier, I still have my bad days. Everyone heals in their own time and I'm so very sorry you are going through this.

Mills0401

Think you everyone! Luckily my husband was able to come home last night (he has been doing work out of town and I had to tell him Monday about the baby not growing and having no heart beat over the phone). We talked some and he said something that helped answer my question that I had posted about the guys feeling. He told me "I can't even begin to imagine how you feel. To have had something growing inside you and then missing it." I told him that I feel heartbroken and at times I feel like I can't breath. I have this numbness inside me almost like I'm on autopilot. My 8yo daughter helps. She keeps me busy and has her way of making me laugh. I find myself thankful to the people that just ignore the baby topic. I know that my husband and I will be fine and will make it through this. I've always been the optimistic person and I can say that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, its better to have lost the baby now than after the birth, I can keep going but the truth is I've ran out of my optimism and I'm wondering if it will ever come back.

MrsKush1014

Men definitely deal with their emotions differently.  For one thing, they aren't dealing with the pregnancy hormones.  Your body is going through a lot of changes right now and losing those hormones makes everything so much worse.  Take time for yourself to heal emotionally and physically.  My doctor told me I only needed to wait 1 cycle, but it took about 3 cycles before I felt ready to try again.  I'm sorry for your loss, welcome to the board.

BackstreetPixie

I'm sorry for your loss. ::hugs::  first, as others have said, be sure to ask your doctor when you are medically cleared.   For me I wasn't ready, emotionally, for a little over 3 months. Then I was benched for other medical reasons so I wasn't able to try for 7 months. Everyone is different. some people are ready right away some take quite a while. Whatever is right for you, you will know. As they say, you know you are ready "when the desire to have a baby outweighs the fear of a loss."   ::lots of hugs::

beckynsean11

I'm very sorry for your loss. The ladies have given you some wonderful advice. You just have to do what is right for you. you'll know when you're ready to try again. I got to a point where I realized that the pain was never going to go away & if I waited for that, we'd never try again. So we just decided to jump back in once I started a new cycle. 

Good luck to you!

rslh10

I am so sorry for your loss. These ladies have given you great answers. I can only add that the pain I personally felt is better, but I still have triggers. They will happen when you least expect them over something that wouldn't have bothered you before. It's an emotional roller coaster, and you need to take the time to heal yourself physically and emotionally. You will start to feel normal again....granted it will be your "new" normal. You just learn to live with it, it never really goes away 100%. 

Big hugs to you, Lady. Be strong.