Sibling Bossiness

Lolane

SD (almost 5) and DS (10 months) have a really great relationship, with very few complaints. DH and I have been very lucky in that regard, and so we want to nip this issue in the bud quickly without affecting their relationship negatively. 

SD has become very bossy lately, which I guess is to be expected between older and younger siblings (I don't have siblings, but I've heard this is normal). However, her bossiness has crossed the line in that she has started contradicting things that we say in regards to DS. A perfect example happened this past weekend. We were all at the park, and DS was sitting on the ground near me. SD had been on the swings and ran over:

SD: "He is picking up a leaf!"

Me: "That's okay."

SD: "He may put it in his mouth."

Me: "I will deal with that if it happens. He can play with the leaf for now."

SD: Begins to grab the leaf, "I'll just take it away from him so he doesn't put it in his mouth."

I responded by telling her in a firm voice, "Do not take the leaf away from him. I said it was okay."

She has done this with other things, where we say something is fine, and she either tells me or DH that it's not fine or she waits until we turn our back and takes it away from DS anyway. This happens mostly with me, but she's done it with DH too on more than one occasion. She is generally not bossy any other time, so we've never had problems like this before.

We have tried thanking her for her help but explaining that we're the parents and we make the decisions. We have tried explaining the difference between an emergency and not (like, SD grabs a knife, it's okay to say, "no" and take it away, but if SD grabs an empty cereal box, it's not your job to tell him "no"). We've tried being firm and telling her that the behavior is unacceptable. We've tried giving her things to help us with, so she feels included in appropriate ways. We also make sure that we never put her in a position of authority over DS so that we don't send mixed signals. She has plenty of opportunities to make other choices (breakfast, TV show, games we play, clothing) so it doesn't seem like acting out to control something since she can't control other things. Does anyone have any ideas on how to handle this because nothing we've done seems to stick? We've been reluctant to have a time-out from playing with DS (which she would hate) because we want to continue fostering their relationship, but that seems like the next step unless someone has some ideas.

TIA!

Lavender P

It doesn't sound like SD is doing it to be malicious, but trying to be helpful and is just misguided.

My SS was the same way with my DS and they have a much bigger age gap (9 years), except he would tell at DS. We basically had to just tell him bluntly but nicely that we are DS's parents and he is DS's brother and those are two different roles. We explained that he is to be a good role model, friend, sometimes playmate and only when DS does something potentially dangerous is he allowed to intervene.

I don't know if your SD is really old enough to be able to tell the difference just yet, but you could explain to her that it is not up to her to decide what DS can and can't do, that is for you and DH. If it continues, and it sounds like it has since you talked to her, you could set up a consequence that you think is appropriate. I think that would make it stop fairly quickly when she knows you won't tolerate it. Also, maybe if you got her a baby doll that she could look after and 'parent' she might lose interest in parenting DS.

ambrvan

I think I go through this with SD8 and DS4 10,000 times a day! It drives me crazy, but I don't think there is anything to really be done about it other than what you're doing, and I think you'll do it forever and a day. I was the same way with my brother growing up, I remember my mom going through this very same spill with us ten times in a row over and over again.

ldmessing

I have 6 kids, 4 still at home and I am going to be really honest with you.  get over it, this is nothing compared to what you will deal with in a few years.  if your 5 year old wants to be helpful, let her.

Nineoceans

I agree this is not a hill to die over. Whenever I would go to a public play place I would always see random little girls correcting my DS and getting down in his face and telling him "no" for dumb things- mostly that they didn't want to share or wanted him to go away because he was smaller than them. I noticed this was never an issue with the little boys.

It was really bothering me. I spoke with a friend of mine who has a little girl and she suggested I think about the way girls are socialized. They get little baby dolls and are asked to act like little mothers and little helpers from early on. If they're bossing around my child that's probably behavior they've learned and are mimicking. I would really brush it off and especially at 10 months old it's not impacting their relationship.

I do think though you have a right to address SD failing to listen to you. I think it's perfectly fair for you to have consistent discipline if she ignores what you say or goes over your head.