hi again

LisaLisa1980

Hi, Ladies. First I just want to say that I am so very, deeply sorry to hear and read about your stories and losses.

I posted last month about my nephew passing right after he was born and I got a lot of amazing and helpful advice. I hope I can come back and post here, if it's not the right place, please tell me where else I could go. I've been trying to find places to talk about this, but never found the right place. My H cannot even talk about it because he is still devastated, so I find myself just keeping it all in.  I would love to hear from others who have gone through somethng similar. I've been reading blogs and stories on Instagram and it's been helpful to me.

It's been  just over a month now since my nephew passed away. He died the second he was born and we have no idea why. I have been trying to make sense of it all, I'm so confused and sad for my SIL & BIL. I think about him all day long, I cry maybe once a day. I'm still in shock. It doesn't seem real. I would love nothing more than to bring that baby back and put him right where he belongs - with his family. But I can't. I don't know what to do. I am watching my SIL go through a living hell. It's heartbreaking. I'm at the point now where I just dont know what to say anymore, how to act. You can just FEEL the emptiness in their home. My SIL was very active in the birthing community. She lived and breathed it and she was amazing at it. She says she never wants to do that again. I 100% support and understand that, but it's so hard to see her want to no longer go back because it was her life.

How can I help her?? them? how can I make sense of it all for myself? I just feel for her, I think about them all day. Why did he have to go? she misses him like nothing else. I hate seeing her so ... empty.

Perhaps maybe one day it will come together, but for now, I'm just in a state of confusion.

lexusolsen

Welcome to our world! Dh and I are so empty. We have a dd who is three and we are so thankful. But we still feel empty. Gently let them know you are there for them. Maybe text would be best? "Hi! Just wanted you to know I am thinking of all three of you." Might be a good way to start. Suggest specific ways you want to help (bring by dinner, take them out for dinner, take her out for coffee, bring them magazines, clean, etc.).

The most amazing people are those who just let us feel how we feel without judgment or expectation. They understand that we won't stay Long at gatherings (if we go at all), that something unexpected might make us burst into tears, that some days all we want to do is talk about our son and some days we want to keep our thoughts of him to ourselves.

If they are interested, maybe you can help with memorial items like a scrapbook (of her pregnancy and birth), a shadow box or jewelry. The most helpful thing is understanding that what they want or need today might be different than tomorrow. They are lucky to have such a compassionate person in their lives.

shandorfml2

I'm so sorry about your nephew. I echo what PP said. A month out isn't long. I was still not functioning at that point. I think by 2 months you start to be able to function again. Just keep reminding them you are there, and say their baby's name. We love hearing their names.

dadalou

Just be there for them. Allow them to talk to you if they want to. You don't need to say anything. 

Say his name. Keep him part of your family. Include him at family gatherings. 

Remember them on the anniversaries. Even if they seem ok those days are really hard.

Write a note now. Keep doing it for months and months. Eventually all the cards and notes are going to stop coming. When that happens it feels like the whole world has forgotten. Remind them that you remember him.

My sister sent me a necklace in the mail with my son's name on it. I didn't know she was doing it. That was the best present.

jocie28

If they are open to it - bring them dinner (& maybe a bottle of wine). Let them talk, vent & cry to you. Our daughter died in the same exact way as your nephew. We just wanted people to be there for us. I needed to tell the birth story to process it. Ask her if she wants to do that. 

I understand her wanting to take a break from the birthing community. My doula has decided to do the same thing. I probably would too. This is an emotional mind screw but maybe lots of time down the road she'll decided to go back to it in her son's honor. 

My family & friends lit candles every night for a while & sent a text pic of it with a prayer attached. We enjoyed getting those. One of my friends brought me the dvd box set of the Unit. I watched all 4 seasons in about 2 weeks. It was a welcomed distraction. 

About 3 months later my husband & I got a hotel in the downtown metro where we live. We went to a nice dinner & slept over. It was hard but healthy for us to get out of house. You may want to give them a gift card & eventually encourage them to do that. 

Also, I love attending grief group so when she's ready she should look into that. Its comforting to speak to people who can relate. 

Sending your family hugs & healing. 

LisaLisa1980

Thank you all for your wonderful words and for sharing your experience. I like the letter idea, I will definitely do that! that is very sweet.

The one month mark passed a few days ago and she said it was the worst yet. Ugh. I just hate this. That poor family. No one deserves this, no one!

They have received so much help and lovely gifts. they are truly lucky to have such amazing friends and family. Lots of gifts with his name engraved, they got tattoos, money, meal help, cards, books, plus they know several friends who have suffered infant loss. They have a ton of support which helps a lot. When I see her, I just want to hug her and never let go. She gave her heart in everything she did, this isn't fair.

I'm so, so sorry you ladies have lost your babies too. I have no words to say, just that I hope you find peace. It is truly a nightmare. i wish I could hug you all.

angelsnight

Ticker warning

 

 

Everyone else has given you excellent advice, so I just thought I would add some info about important dates for them that they would probably really appreciate if you acknowledged since I am sure some may not all be obvious.

-The baby's birthday (this one is obvious, but for me while it is a very sad day, it is still my baby's birthday and I want to celebrate it)

-The due date.  It sounds like maybe your nephew was born at term so this may not apply.

-Mother's Day and Father's Day.  Being acknowledged as parents even though our babies are not here is huge.  Also, when and if they have more children down the road, make sure to not count that first Mother's Day/Father's day with a living child as their first M/F day.....they are parents now.

-October 15th.  They may not even know of this but it is National Pregnancy loss and Infant Bereavement Day.  All our encouraged to light a candle for the lost babies on this day from 7-8pm in all time zones.

-The first of each month.  This may not apply to everyone, but for me, for the first few months after our loss the first of each month was so hard as we moved further and further from the last time we held our baby.

I hope this helps.  I'm so sorry you're hurting.....As parents it is a loss like no other to lose a child, but I know it must be so hard for extended family as well because not only are you grieving the loss of your nephew, but your heart is also hurting for your SIL & BIL.  It's so hard to see those you love in so much pain.  (((hugs)))

LisaLisa1980

Can I ask you ladies something? I've read all the dos/don'ts of what to say and what not to say, but what about asking questions? so far, I just ask how she's doing, am I allowed to ask about the birth itself, or if they found out what happened? I'm so afraid of saying the wrong thing, that I've been kind of quiet about it all, which may come off looking like I don't care, but I DO care, and I just want to her to know that.

and what about crying? does it bother you if someone cries infront of you? I try and hold it together, but all I wanna do is bawl my eyes out, but I don't want to make her more upset.

lexusolsen

I think it's fine if the conversation is naturally progressing that way to ask one or two questions. Don't turn it into a series of questions. I think if you are paying attention you will be able to tell if they want to share more with you after that.If they want to answer they will. Crying is fine. We want to know that we aren't the only ones who recognize that ds existed.

stefuge

Crying is fine, but I would say more with her if she is talking and upset, than rather because you are upset. When people break down in front of me, I find myself having to comfort them and telling them it's okay and consoling them, and I don't feel like I should have to be the one consoling others.

And I think questions are fine, so long as the conversation is going there, like lexusolsen said. If it's so many questions out of the blue, it can come across as nosy or intrusive. If they want to share with you, they will, and if not, respect that. Some parents want to talk and some want to keep it private. And sometimes it's harder to talk about in the beginning, but might get easier as time passes. We didn't share photos with anyone for a few months, but now we have them up all over our house and don't mind sharing his photo with just about anyone.

Your concern is in the right place. Really just let them know you are there, ask how they are doing, and just listen.

Mel&John2013

Everyone is different, but for me, I'm always fine with questions. It makes me feel like people are interested and concerned for us. We've been anxious to find out what happened to our son, so it makes sense to me that our friends and family would be anxious along with us. But if you're in doubt you can always ask if they want to talk about it.

LisaLisa1980

thank you, ladies I do keep in touch with her and ask how she's doing and never ask more questions than how the conversation is flowing. First time I saw her after everything happened, we cried together and then we were fine, but I agree that I would never just cry all over and create a scene about it. I want to make her as comfortable as I can. we've dropped off groceries and helped in other ways, I just wish there was more we could be doing.

stefuge

@aragosta‌ - I like that diagram, and have a few people who would have benefited from seeing that!

AshersMom11

I think the previous posters have given some great advice. I love any chance to talk about my  baby, so questions are fine with me. At three months out we are starting to get to the point where everyone else has seemed to move on but us, so it's nice to know that people haven't forgotten about our child.

Like others have said, as long as it doesn't get to the point where I feel I have to be the one comforting them, I am fine with them crying. Especially close family and friends. 

@arogosta I think that is a great diagram.

Mel&John2013

I feel like I need to print that diagram out and send copies to certain individuals! Maybe hand it out uninformed folks at family gatherings.