PPD/PPA Check In

KerCo51

It's been awhile since we had a check in (I think).  I have read that a few more people have been struggling with it recently and I think the support would be good. So how is everyone doing?

KerCo51

Overall, I have been doing really well recently.  However, I have had a couple of rough days a few days ago.  I have realized that I only feel really badly right before I get my period. AF comes and I am back to myself. I mentioned this on here a few months ago, but does anyone else experience that?  I am thinking about going back to my OB about this, because it seems like it's my hormones.  I continue to see a therapist once a week.  Through therapy, I have been able to get over a lot of the guilt I have been experiencing from this.  

BrittanyCupcakes

I started seeing a therapist three weeks ago. I'm not really sure I like him, but I know I should give it a little more time before I decide. The first two sessions, I felt like it was all bullshit, and then was a total wreck as soon as I left the office. Yesterday went a little better but I'm still not so sure about him. I know that if I decide I don't like him, I do have to find another doctor and make an appointment right away, and I really don't want to deal with the hassle.

Anyways, yesterday I told him about the rough week I've been having and how I've been on the brink of tears for no reason. He suggested I talk to my family doctor about antidepressants. So I went to see my family doctor (who I recently switched to and haven't actually seen yet) today. I hate the practice, but the doctor listened to me and discussed things with me and I feel comfortable about the decision. So I started Paxil. 

I'm scared because I've dealt with depression and anxiety for most of my life, and I really don't know who I am without them. I hope the meds help because I want to get better. But better is new, and new is scary.

Teresa1489

Hugs ladies!! I was doing really well. Stepping down at work has definitely helped but the last couple days have been a little rough. I messed up the timing on taking my medication so I think I screwed with my hormones too much so I'm really focusing on taking it right before bed every night. Hoping things get better soon

huntjul

I'm not sure if I belong in this post, but I'm definitely feeling anxious and depressed... Today I'm taking Clara to our family doc this afternoon for a checkup and vaccines, and since she's doing fabulously and I am not, I figured we could just talk about me instead.  I don't know if any help will come of it, but I'm pretty unhappy at the moment and don't feel I can carry on like this without reaching some sort of crisis.  I'm having a lot of trouble sleeping, eating, focusing, connecting with people, etc.  I'm already on an antidepressant though, so I worry that avenue for improvement may already be taken and yet I still feel like this.

Foofie&thebean

Hugs to all of you!

I've been doing better for the most part. The meds have made a huge difference in my everyday.

For about the last week though I've been feeling pretty depressed. I've had a sort of falling out with my dad which hasn't helped. Hopefully I can get past all of it and move on.

skyla13

huntjul said:

I don't know if any help will come of it, but I'm pretty unhappy at the moment and don't feel I can carry on like this without reaching some sort of crisis.

After the week I've had this makes my heart pound. Definitely talk to your doctor and make sure he or she knows how bad you feel. Perhaps they can adjust your medication and/or recommend someone for you to talk to?

huntjul

skyla13 said:

I don't know if any help will come of it, but I'm pretty unhappy at the moment and don't feel I can carry on like this without reaching some sort of crisis.

After the week I've had this makes my heart pound. Definitely talk to your doctor and make sure he or she knows how bad you feel. Perhaps they can adjust your medication and/or recommend someone for you to talk to?

I'll report back later how it goes.  I think DH is going to come with me.  I was hoping he could back me up and tell the doctor how bad things are at home, but after talking to him last night, I see that's not going to happen.  I don't know if I've been hiding things better than I think I have, or if DH is just being super imperceptive.  Oh well, maybe it'll help him to hear what the dr has to say about things anyway.

skyla13

I think that is a great idea for your husband to go. Good luck!!

norbert5

@huntjul‌, they can definitely adjust meds or try something different. Your husband sounds like mine, oblivious.

@BrittanyCupcakes‌ good luck with the therapist it can be hard to find one that you connect with.

I have been doing okay. I was on an unintended bumpcation because things have just been incredibly busy.
I went and saw a doctor but he is uncomfortable prescribing meds while I am still bfing. So if I want to continue on meds I need to find a doctor ASAP to get refills.

I told him about the drugs I was already taking (Prozac and something with an L that I won't even try to spell but it is like Xanax). So I am definitely frustrated.

Haven't tried meeting with a therapist because I have no one to watch the girls and since DH is new at his job he has no PTO. I definitely don't want to take them with me.

Herefishy87

@huntjul‌ I totally understand! I just made an appt to see my dr because my anxiety is getting pretty bad lately and I feel like I'm slowly going insane. I told my H I made the appt and told him I'm scared that I'm turning into a hypochondriac that can't get a grip (ive been having weird physical symptoms too) and he said you're fine. I'm guessing I don't express how terrible or scared I feel until I'm on the verge of hysterically crying.
This just sucks and my patients are thisbig when I'm freaking in my head and my toddler pays the price. I've never felt like this before and I just wanna feel normal. I've been putting off going to the dr for so long because I'm scared of them judging me and I know I'm gonna be blubbering like an idiot trying to tell her how I've been feeling.
I have no one to really talk to IRL about this so I'm glad you ladies share your stories so I know I'm not the only one battling the shit.

KerCo51

@Herefishy87 I can totally relate. I can't tell you how many times I have said to my family, "I just want to feel normal."  This is nothing I have experienced before.  I think the guilt and embarrassment often delay people from getting help.  I know it took me a long time to admit that I was having a problem.  Anxiety and depression isn't anyone's fault and feeling guilty and embarrassed only makes things worse.  Trying not to feel like they're judging you, because doctors see this all the time. 

Herefishy87

@KerCo51 The "normal" part of my mind knows there is nothin to be ashamed of and that I need to talk to someone but the other half of me tells me I'm fine, get over it, they are gonna judge you and take your kids so don't talk to a dr.
To make it feel so much more confusing, some days or weeks I'm fine than all of a sudden I'm a nervous wreck and pacing around my house like a cage tiger. Blahhh!

huntjul

Herefishy87 said:

@huntjul‌ I totally understand! I just made an appt to see my dr because my anxiety is getting pretty bad lately and I feel like I'm slowly going insane. I told my H I made the appt and told him I'm scared that I'm turning into a hypochondriac that can't get a grip (ive been having weird physical symptoms too) and he said you're fine. I'm guessing I don't express how terrible or scared I feel until I'm on the verge of hysterically crying. This just sucks and my patients are thisbig when I'm freaking in my head and my toddler pays the price. I've never felt like this before and I just wanna feel normal. I've been putting off going to the dr for so long because I'm scared of them judging me and I know I'm gonna be blubbering like an idiot trying to tell her how I've been feeling. I have no one to really talk to IRL about this so I'm glad you ladies share your stories so I know I'm not the only one battling the shit.

@herefishy87 - I hope the doc's appt goes well and you get some relief.  You're certainly not the only one locked in that battle right now, and you do deserve to feel better.

BrittanyCupcakes

Herefishy87 said:

@KerCo51 The "normal" part of my mind knows there is nothin to be ashamed of and that I need to talk to someone but the other half of me tells me I'm fine, get over it, they are gonna judge you and take your kids so don't talk to a dr. To make it feel so much more confusing, some days or weeks I'm fine than all of a sudden I'm a nervous wreck and pacing around my house like a cage tiger. Blahhh!

That's the worst part. I'll have a really bad day where I know I need help, and then a few days later, everything is normal so I'd put off making that call. 

When I did finally work up the nerve to make an appointment, DH and I had another big fight because of something stupid I said when I was feeling down. He doesn't really know how to handle me when things get bad, he tries to calm me down, and the words, "calm down" just set me off, because if I could, I would, but I just can't. So things got bad, and after we had a little time to cool off, I worked up the courage to make the call and find a therapist, and made sure to schedule the soonest appointment I could get. 

DH is being helpful and supportive. He came home with flowers for me after my first therapy session. He really doesn't understand what I'm going through and he still doesn't entirely believe that anxiety is a real thing. And I can't blame him. I can't tell you how many times I've heard someone say, "I have anxiety" and wasn't fully convinced, even though I go through it myself. I have a hard time taking them seriously because they don't seem to be the total wreck that I feel like I am. But there's definitely a difference between getting anxious at times, and living with it on a daily basis, where it interferes with every little decision. 

Herefishy87

huntjul said:

Herefishy87 said:

@huntjul‌ I totally understand! I just made an appt to see my dr because my anxiety is getting pretty bad lately and I feel like I'm slowly going insane. I told my H I made the appt and told him I'm scared that I'm turning into a hypochondriac that can't get a grip (ive been having weird physical symptoms too) and he said you're fine. I'm guessing I don't express how terrible or scared I feel until I'm on the verge of hysterically crying.
This just sucks and my patients are thisbig when I'm freaking in my head and my toddler pays the price. I've never felt like this before and I just wanna feel normal. I've been putting off going to the dr for so long because I'm scared of them judging me and I know I'm gonna be blubbering like an idiot trying to tell her how I've been feeling.
I have no one to really talk to IRL about this so I'm glad you ladies share your stories so I know I'm not the only one battling the shit.

@herefishy87 - I hope the doc's appt goes well and you get some relief.  You're certainly not the only one locked in that battle right now, and you do deserve to feel better.

Thanks and so do you! Let us know how you make out at the dr today!

Herefishy87

@BrittanyCupcakes‌ I'm so glad it's not just me who feels "normal" one day and than a train wreck the next. I wish I knew what sets me off but I usually have no clue.
My H doesn't exactly believe anxiety is a real thing either. He says he doesn't understand how you could be so scared of irrational things. (Most of my anxiety is surrounded around me getting really sick and not being able to care for my kids or dying and them being without a mom, them getting really sick or an emergency happening and me not knowing how to "save" them, or something happening to my H at work) He tells me to just relax or clam down sometimes and I wanna throat punch him because I wish I could calm myself down at that moment but I can't. He also gets upset seeing me like that because he has no clue what to say or do and ends up getting kinda pissy with me which does not help!

KerCo51

@Herefishy87 - I can relate to everything you said.  I am great most of the time, (it goes along with my period) but when it's bad I pace around the house like I am crazy, I literally have done laps before.  Now I have medication to prevent that from happening.  I also said to my therapist that I was scared they would take my baby away if I told anyone how I felt.  She assured me that it wasn't going to happen, which the rational side of me knew. 

Herefishy87

@KerCo51‌ I keep thinking every time I get a bad couple days or week I'm gonna get my period but it never comes. I still have yet to get it and I'm not sure if that's helping or making the situation worst. Stupid hormones.

BrittanyCupcakes

Herefishy87 said:

@KerCo51‌ I keep thinking every time I get a bad couple days or week I'm gonna get my period but it never comes. I still have yet to get it and I'm not sure if that's helping or making the situation worst. Stupid hormones.

My cycles are very irregular, but I PMSed for nearly two weeks before I got my most recent period. I can definitely feel when my emotions are hormonal. But then I was crying randomly a few days after my period which isn't normal, and that's what prompted the antidepressants.

I also started hormonal BC today, so that should help me get things regular and no more turbo-PMS.

ajjf1026

I was doing really well for awhile with my medication, however now I'm on downward slope. Things are getting pretty bad again and before they get even worse, I made a call to a therapist and I have an appt for this ipcoming Wednesday. I think by actually having someone to talk to and let it all out will help, at least that's what I'm hoping. Between having PPD and actual Depression itself, both combined have created a disaster within myself. Add on too of that, my mom & little brother having to stay with us for a few months (they are still here, which is causing a huge strain on my marriage), my dad just got married to his crazy, psycho girlfriend who none of us like and she has done/mostly said a lot of horrible things about our family in the past, my other brother and sister in law are going through a divorce, and then just random everyday life things, it just seems like everything is piling up and I can't keep up! So, sorry for that long rant/vent, I'm really hoping this therapist helps, cause if not, idk what else to do.

[Deleted User]

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huntjul

So, DH and LO in tow, I went to LO's vaccine appt. BTW she was a champ and didn't even cry! I told the dr about how I was feeling anxious and not sleeping. He suggested that if I thought it would be a few-weeks-long kind of thing (he said he's unconvinced it's postpartum-anything but thinks it's due to stress in my life), I should take some benzos (xanax-class drugs). I told him I didn't have any reason to think my stress level was going to decrease until at least Jan, and probably is going to get worse (here's optimism for you).

Anyway he suggested doubling my antidepressant dose for a few weeks and seeing if it'd help. He also was going to Rx some benzos anyway, but I told him I'm not going to stop BF. To which he replied "you know she can survive without milk now". Ugh, docs here are so not pro-BF, but that's a different story.

So I guess I'm a little disappointed. I don't know what kind of magic I thought I was going to receive, but I'd already started doubling my dose of antidepressants a few days ago after realizing I was in trouble. Anyway, not exactly the assistance I was hoping for, but maybe it'll work anyway.

On another note (and I realize this is getting tl;dr) I bravely decided to contact the counseling center to see if they'd work with faculty (they're really meant for students). I started to email the head of the place, but before I sent the email it showed an auto-reply that she was away for a few weeks and to contact one of the interns. I emailed one of the interns who replied that while they do work with faculty, I should contact the head of the place since the interns are leaving soon.

TL;DR: I feel minimally helped today.

huntjul

wedding06 said:

@huntjul I'm sorry it didn't go better. If I was in your situation I would give the increase dose a couple of weeks and if it doesn't work call the Dr to see if there is another antidepressant you could take. 

That's what the doc said (try a few weeks and let me know), but I don't know that I can do a few more weeks of this. I guess I can if I have to. I just hope it works, as you said. Thanks

carawasa

ugh this anxiety crap really sucks huh? as much as I hate that we all are dealing with it, it really makes it a lot easier to deal with it together, I guess. I think it's so great that you all have taken the time for yourselves and you see positive changes soon.

I thought I was doing well this week, and I was, but I notice myself going from one extreme to the other. Like if I don't feel anxious I notice I spend and eat without thinking about anything. I was explaining this to my therapist and we had a long conversation, and it always goes back to me "needing validation" or to be told I'm doing a good job, I'm not a bad mom, or something along those lines. The anxiety just comes out in different ways.. but it's cool I'm trying to work on it, I just have to find the middle ground.

acethebase

Hi everyone ::checking in:: I was seeing a therapist for about a couple months while also taking medication. The next part is going to sound crazy but I stopped going to therapy because I felt like it wasn't helping what so ever (if anything just making me feel worse) and went off all medication. Holy run on sentence, sorry. Anyways I was feeling awesome for over a month and slowly things are going down hill again. I've been really confused as to why I was doing "ok" and now it's getting bad again but I think I found the source of my problem. I've been staying up really late after everyone goes to bed so I can have some "me" time and by doing that I'm getting no sleep. I researched it and sleep deprivation can have very similar symptoms which makes SO much sense. I'm hoping this is my issue right now because if I AM depressed I don't want to be on any medication while pregnant( pregnancy pending). I'm not quite sure what to do :-?? I hope all you ladies are getting the help you need and maybe by sharing our stories we can help eachother. HUGS >:D<