AW/ vent: screw everything

TricksyPixie

From DDs bad latch to my clogged ducts, BFing has been hard. And yesterday, after talking to my doctor and my baby's doctor, it was decided we would be better off NOT breastfeeding. From a physical standpoint, they say the clogged ducts will likely continue. But what they really meant was from a mental standpoint.

I've been having panic attacks. I've cried more than I've smiled. A couple days ago, I cried all day, the longest bout lasting six hours. Straight. I had to force myself to get out of bed, because I so could have just stayed down. I was diagnosed with postpartum depression. And because of that, everyone thinks the stress and lack of sleep from it is aggravating it and sending me down a very dangerous path. Reluctantly, I agreed with them. We started formula. I FUCKING HATE IT. It feels so wrong to not have her at the breast. It feels so impersonal. I'm drying out, but that means being soaked in milk at all times. It hurts. It's making me have stomach cramps. I hate everything about it and honestly, I just feel like it's making me more depressed.

Thanks for letting me vent here, ladies... It's just so difficult.

Skeemer

((Hugs)) I had PPD with DS & also wasn't able to BF him. I am so sorry you're going through this & are having a hard time. Did your doctor prescribe anything for you to help? I had to go on Zoloft for about 8 months. Please be kind to yourself mama. This is a big transition in your life. When I had DS I felt like the parenting magazines & commercials had been lying to me. The perfect time in my life of finally becoming a parent wasn't at all the amazing vision other people were making it out to be. While I loved DS, I felt duped in a way. I wanted everything to be wonderful & amazing. I wanted to bond & I wanted to focus on him. I felt like none of that was happening for me & I sank further into PPD. I just want you to know other people have experienced this too & you're not alone. It gets better, it really does.

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marsalisails

Ditto to PPs - so many have been through it. You're not alone.

fmb2011

Hugs! I agree with the PPs, you're definitely not alone and we're here whenever you need us!

Prncesta

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Try not to be so hard on yourself and vent whenever you need to!

Mamanorris81

My heart hurts for you. Be easy on yourself mama.

ksspiff

With DD, she had reflux, and I couldn't nurse - had to pump and add a thickening agent to keep it down. I also had PPA. It all escalated at the same time and DH and I decided to give up on breast milk. It was heartbreaking, emotional and very much felt like failure to me.

@TricksyPixie‌ , I sympathize with you A LOT. cry those tears, girl. You will get through this hellacious newborn sleep depravation phase. Please talk to your doctor about medication, if you haven't already (it also helped me get to where I could sleep again). Talk to your SO, BFF, family about these feelings so THEY KNOW and can support. Watch your baby grow and thrive, even on formula. ~hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs~

BBColt78

I had to stop nursing my first born and that made me more emotional. I can almost promise you that you'll feel better about the decision when you feel back to yourself.

reils500

Hugs to you! Keep seeking out support & be kind to yourself.

RKSnyder

I am so sorry for your struggle. I have gone through something very similar with this baby (had to quit BFing and feeling so low and terrible about it). With me, I just never had a full supply of milk come in. I got enough to be a few feedings but had to supplement and eventually my supply dwindled a bit (even with constant pumping). The doc said it is a sign my body is exhausted and just trying to tell me it can't keep up with everything going on- my c section is not healing and has a little infection that has affected me terribly. Needless to say, I'm with you and by your side. I cried so hard over admitting BFing defeat and even cried as I fed my baby breast milk for the last time. The important thing I keep trying to remind myself is that we are doing what's best for ourselves and our babies. They will thrive and be happier and healthier when we are happier and healthier and this is the first step in that direction. Stay strong! We can get through all of this by supporting and sharing with each other.

TricksyPixie

Thank you ALL. I cannot express the level of appreciation I have for all of you. At first, yeah- it felt like I was a failure. And I felt like I had wasted my lac consult's time- and understand, this woman went above and beyond what she was obligated to. She gave me her cell number and was on the phone with me, talking me through panic attacks and doing all she could to help me in my struggle. Even when she was on vacation. In another state. And it was all for nothing. I wasted money, my parents bought me a pump that I won't be using anymore. But mostly I just feel this overwhelming sadness and anger because I will feed her a bottle, but even after she finishes, she shows that she wants to nurse. And I do too! But we can't. And this decision was made to help me sleep and feel better. I slept- I don't feel any better. I just feel equally angry and sad. And that makes it worse because I feel like the switch was for nothing.

Meds are a bad idea for me.. I was on meds as a teenager for depression, and I hated feeling nothing at all. I certainly don't want to feel nothing while bonding with my daughter. The meds actually aggravated some behaviors I had. My doctor suggests therapy, and if I really just cannot do it alone, call him and get meds.

abundancenow

I'm glad that you've identified having ppd and are getting support. I'm sorry you're dealing with so many negative feelings, but it may help to understand much of it is hormonal and temporary. You wont feel this way forever. I don't agree with the guilt you're attaching to your attempt to breast feed and the help you got from LC being a waste. You tried your best, and LC gets paid to help and if she went above that it was from her heart and not attached to your success in continuing to breast feed. I hope you can let go of your guilt and start feeling good about trying your best. Hang in there!

skr1619

Sending lots of hugs your way. Like everyone else has said, you are NOT alone in feeling this way. Just please be patient with yourself and know that you're not a failure. At all. You did your best! The circumstances were beyond your control and just know that your baby will still be able to bond with you and thrive even on formula. 

I can definitely understand the pain you feel about not being able to nurse your LO. There's a website I found recently that has literally saved my sanity from not being able to BF. You should check it out. It definitely lets you know that there is support for mothers who formula feed. Be gentle with yourself during this time, mama! Lots of love to you and baby

www.fearlessformulafeeder.com 

TurtleMonsters

Wanted to add hormones make you need to bf...its not all in your head. after a while that subsides. I'm so sorry you feel bad...my first was a TOUGH adjustment- I felt along the lines of what skeemer said. I had SAD, and likely PPD- i know now hoe different things are not being depressed, the summer helps. hope you feel better You're doing great keeping on top of things.

Skeemer

As others have said, you have not wasted anyone's time & money. The LC is a caring person who went above her job because she wanted to help you. She doesn't expect anything in return. I promise. As for the pump, you can always sell it on Craigslist to get the money out of it to put it on things your LO needs or save it for her next stage car seat.

I'm unsure how old you are now, but you may consider that medication & research has likely changed for the better since you were a teenager. Also, if one medication isn't working for you then you may need to change or even get a lower/higher dosage. I cut my dosage in half when I had PPD because I was foggy constantly. I'm very sensitive to medication. I took the half dose for about 3 weeks then tried a full dose which I remained on until I didn't need the medicine anymore. I am not by any means trying to talk you into medicine. You should do what you feel is best. I just wanted to give you a different viewpoint.

Also, I want to tell you what a friend of mine told me when I was struggling to figure out what was happening with PPD. I had went through a divorce years prior & needed depression medication. I never ever wanted to go back on it. She said, "It's not the same thing. It's different. This doesn't mean that you are experiencing the same depression as before." So, I want to encourage you that this isn't the same thing as before sweetie. I understand how it feels the same. It's confusing, hurtful & painful to go through. But you aren't the same & this isn't the same.

Therapy is a wonderful suggestion. I've really benefited from counseling several times in my life. I really should have went when I had DS but to be honest I was so exhausted all the time I could barely stand to get dressed to go to church. You can always keep venting & talking here too. This group is a great support system.

emy730

I just want to give you a huge hug. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this and I really hope things start to look up for you soon. 

mrscurlygurl

Big hugs lady!

honeybee434

Just keep taking steps in the direction of taking care of yourself! You are much better for your LO when you aren't stressed out, regardless of the method she's using to eat. Thinking about you!

glitterclaws

Oh sweetie, big hugs. I know how heartbreaking this can be. It's been a little over a week since I switched to EFF and I still need to stay away from most posts/Internet articles/fb pages/books for new moms because everything seems to be about BF-ing and it all seems to be directed at me for being a failure. Or for not trying hard enough.

I hold LO super close when I feed now and focus on his eyes. And his amazing eye lashes. I also try to always have music on. I think it calms both of us.

You will find what works for you. In the meantime, just try not to hate yourself because you've done everything you can. Be confident in that. And you wasted no ones money or time. It was all part of your journey.

TricksyPixie

Thanks again ladies. I had a very busy day yesterday.. My DH took our daughter on errands so I could rest more, which I didn't. I did some laundry and jumped in the shower to help with my (painful as all get out) boobs. Then I had a horrifying thought about how drowning wouldake all the pain, depression and anxiety fade away. My home nurse was visiting that day, and she and my DH came in about the same time, and I told them both what happened, even though I would never act on it. She did a ppd test on me and I scored ten points over safe, she called my doctor and he said for me to go to the er and get a psych eval. So I did, and even with my history of depression and self harm, the verdict was I'm not a danger to myself or others (I'm not.) and I need meds. Today I get my Cymbalta in hopes it treats me a hell of a lot better than Celexa did.

Skeemer

First, I'm really proud of you for talking to your DH & home nurse & being real with them. That had to be super hard but you found the strength to do it. Your baby wants you & needs you to take care of yourself. I remember crying a lot with DS when I had PPD. I didn't even know why I was crying most of the time. I also remember being really depressed during my divorce & telling God it is okay if He takes me on. Like you, I would have never acted on it, but I was just exhausted & worn down from everything. But even now I realize that it still wasn't a healthy place for me to be in.

You deserve everything wonderful & to enjoy your family. Going through this doesn't mean you are at fault or that you are not taking care of your LO. Just the fact that you are reaching out & you know something isn't just right shows what a great mother you are. Please keep us posted on how things go. We're here! ((hugs))

ghostof5letters

(((hugs)))

Did they discuss medication for the PPD?

TricksyPixie

Thanks Skeemer- I do a lot of crying for no reason. I can just be sitting, fine, and suddenly cry. It happens a lot. The thing about me is I WAS a danger to myself as a teenager, and now that I'm older, and I'd been there, I don't want to be in that place again. I'm an honest person with others and myself in order to prevent going back to that dark place. If it means I have to tell someone I had a thought that is dangerous, then I will say it. I'd rather have the extra safety net to prevent the slip.

I just want to be happy. I want to cuddle my daughter without crying all over her fuzzy head. I want to be a normal mama. So yeah.. I will take the medicine.

Skeemer

TricksyPixie said:

Thanks Skeemer- I do a lot of crying for no reason. I can just be sitting, fine, and suddenly cry. It happens a lot. The thing about me is I WAS a danger to myself as a teenager, and now that I'm older, and I'd been there, I don't want to be in that place again. I'm an honest person with others and myself in order to prevent going back to that dark place. If it means I have to tell someone I had a thought that is dangerous, then I will say it. I'd rather have the extra safety net to prevent the slip. I just want to be happy. I want to cuddle my daughter without crying all over her fuzzy head. I want to be a normal mama. So yeah.. I will take the medicine.

You're a normal mama. Just look how many people on this thread alone have been through similar experiences. Mothers who look like Avon models with their perfect babies in their clean houses with dinner on the table for their SO's are CRAP. Lol. Not even remotely real. Lol. It took me a while to figure that out with DS. And with DD, who was happily sleeping 6 hrs a night, here we are for the 2nd day in a row of her only sleeping 2 hrs at a time. Anyone on here who appears to be June Cleaver or Claire Huxtable is full of crap & is probably a troll.

brittany&dain

I'm so sorry!! Try to keep your head up you're doing a great job I had ppd with DS and spent most of my days crying as well. With LO I cried the first 4 days at every feeding because he had a shallow latch and I also had clogged ducts so it was extremely painful. I went in and participated in a breast feeding support group and they were a lot of help.....it may not seem like it but it gets better with time just stay strong we are all here for you

lynjae2004

@TricksyPixie‌ I am so sorry you're going through this. It's very brave & great of you to have not only sought help for yourself after recognizing warning signs, but also writing about your experience on here. I still have an inside baby, but having been medicated for depression & anxiety for years before BFP, PPD is a very big worry for me.
I know that all medication affects people differently, but I wanted to let you know cymbalta really helped change my life. After trying so many different meds & dosages- my dr started me on cymbalta & I felt like a new person after just a couple of weeks. I was on it for 6 years & plan on going back after LO arrives. I really hope it works for you & helps!
Prayers you begin to feel better soon, and that you remain this brave to let doctors & loved ones know when you are not okay! You're doing everything right... Thank you again for sharing your experience!