Advice Needed: Not 3T Related (Long-ish)

cautiouslydomestic

About 8 months ago, my mom informed me that my father (with whom I have zero relationship or contact) possibly has another daughter. I was only joking when I said that I was waiting for siblings from him to come out of no where, he and my step-mom have three kids already, but I had no idea that it was a real possibility. When I spoke to my paternal grandmother about it (I do have a relationship with her, and I always have), she informed me that she knew this girl existed, but never felt it was her place to tell me and had no desire to seek her out. Honestly, the idea that she didn't care enough about someone who could be my sister breaks my heart. After many months of looking for this girl and her mother, I finally found out the mother's name but could never find contact info. Last week, my father finally gave paternal grandmother the girl's name, I didn't know he knew it, and I was able to find her on social media almost immediately. She lives within an hour of where I live, and it is quite obvious that she is my sister. We are less than a year apart. I am not one to believe that appearance is enough to base paternity on, but she and I are almost identical and share the same facial features of our dad. So, here is my dilemma. From what I can gather, this girl's mother got married while she was pregnant. Her husband has taken care of their daughter since she was born. I do not believe that she even knows that someone else could be her father. I want to have a relationship with her, but I don't want to cause unnecessary drama in her life. Finding out that your dad is not your dad has to be devastating, and I feel that I am being selfish for wanting to get to know her. Because I do not know for sure that my father is hers, I wouldn't want to disrupt her life when it could remain the same. Contacting her mother doesn't seem to be a plausible option, and from what my grandmother has told me, the mother was not well liked within the family. I could see her hesitation in allowing her child to get to know them. The thing is, I was an infant when this happened. I did not cause this, nor did I allow them to simply sweep the existence of her under the rug. My father was in a serious relationship with her while my mom was pregnant, and it ended soon after I was born. (The timeline is fuzzy, and it upsets my mom to talk about it, so I don't push for info.)  If she is my sister, I want to know her. I have no idea where to go from here. Do I simply let it go, and pretend she doesn't exist so that she can just live her life? Do I contact her and risk her not knowing that her dad is not her biological dad? Do I try to contact her mother, one way or another, and speak with her about the situation? Does anyone have any advice? I truly hope that no one else has had to deal with this type of situation.... 

BunnyBerry

I'm so sorry for this emotional and difficult situation you are in.

I would say the first priority is to protect your sister and her family from any pain if she does not already know about her paternity.

Is there any way to find out through your grandmother whether the girl is aware of her paternity? If you could be sure, it would make sense to reach out. Otherwise, as painful as it is, I would really think long and hard before contacting them.

Perhaps attempting to contact her mother makes the most sense since she obviously knows the truth. Of course, she may be less than honest if she wants to prevent you from meeting your sister, but maybe it could be a start. 

I'm sorry your grandmother keeping a secret has hurt you. It does sound like this is an extremely painful memory for your mother, and perhaps she was trying to respect your mom and not rock the boat?

Glad you found her on FB!!

cautiouslydomestic

@BunnyBerry Grandmother, unfortunately, has no info on the situation. We both believe that she has no idea that her dad might not be her father, because he is listed on her birth certificate. Thank you for the advice! It has been hard on me, but I imagine that it would be so much harder for her.