S/O Dad's permission

MorganWP

Just curious after yesterday's discussion: If you have a daughter (or a hypothetical one) would your DH or SO, or you if you're a single parent, want whoever they were dating to ask him before they got engaged?

nikel13

Yep, but I'm old school. I think it's a sign of respect, not so much as an actual needing of permission. I want Lily's potential future husband to respect us enough to ask or let us know what he is going to do for our daughter. I want her to have someone that will care for her, and I want to make sure that he will.

BC&LM

I don't have a daughter yet, but if we do have one in the future, I don't really care whether her SO asks for our permission or not. It would be sweet if he did but not necessary.

jmcgra06

I think it's a sweet tradition, and I would really appreciate it. That said, I wouldn't say "no," because I don't really think it's my call.

MorganWP

To answer my own question.

SO says yes, he would like them to. Mostly out of respect and to get the chance to voice his concerns. He wouldnt say what those were or might be.

I'd appreciate it if they'd at least gave us a heads up. Just because I'd want to share in the excitement.

ASmallWonder

No girls but newp.  Kids aren't our property and hopefully by the time any of them are getting married, the family and SO have had time to get to know them some and already have an idea of where it's all headed.

BunnyLove416

A heads up would certainly make me happy, which I guess I always think of as giving our blessing but really it would just be staying in the loop. I'd hope that if L ever decides to pop the question to a girlfriend or boyfriend he'd give us a heads up too. I guess really what I hope is that when we reach that point we'll have the kind of relationship with our kids that makes them want to let us in on such a huge, exciting, wonderful thing going on in their lives. 

musicalsilver

kdc2007 said:

stargazer763 said:

Nope. What @subliminalrabbit said. I think it's sweet, but a future daughter doesn't need our permission or blessing.

+1

+2

And I also wholeheartedly agree with what @kdc2007 said.

DH and I were a bit like rabbit and her H - we had a discussion deciding that getting married was the right next step for us, no real "popping the question" involved.  

TheTamedShrew

I think DH would like it because he asked my dad and is more traditional than I am, but I'm not a fan of the tradition of only asking the father. I'd like to be able give my blessing too. I think it's a sweet and respectful gesture, but it wouldn't make or break my opinion/blessing.

itsStackie

I knew DH was going to ask me, because we always talked about it and our future.  I had also mentioned to my mom that we will likely be getting married one day soon.  So DH asking was more respect for my parents.  Like @MelOhdy said, "I would like her future spouse to approach us to ask for our blessing but hopefully it will be one of those questions that everyone already knows the answer to. Hopefully we have a great relationship with this person and the asking is just a formality."

But I mean I was raised with certain traditions, and my parents paid for the wedding. So I would hope my daughter's future spouse would ask, like DH did, so we could prepare financially for a wedding. 

itsStackie

kdc2007 said:

itsStackie said:

I knew DH was going to ask me, because we always talked about it and our future.  I had also mentioned to my mom that we will likely be getting married one day soon.  So DH asking was more respect for my parents.  Like @MelOhdy said, "I would like her future spouse to approach us to ask for our blessing but hopefully it will be one of those questions that everyone already knows the answer to. Hopefully we have a great relationship with this person and the asking is just a formality."

But I mean I was raised with certain traditions, and my parents paid for the wedding. So I would hope my daughter's future spouse would ask, like DH did, so we could prepare financially for a wedding. 

but why do you need to know before they are engaged to prepare financially? what if he only asks you the day before he proposes? how does that make a difference? 

Not that it would make a difference when, but that it makes a difference that he respects us and him respecting that we would want to pay for it as a blessing. Honestly, I have no idea how any of this would go, I imagine either way (whether he asks us or not) I would pay for it as I bawl my eyes out.

nikel13

@kdc2007 Honestly, I think I might want to know before hand to maybe help make it special.  My brother incorporated both families (ours and hers) into the proposal.  So, we all knew before she did.  I was huge pregnant, so H and I facetimed in.  I also think that it would be nice to know because, regardless of what one might think, you are marrying the family.  It's more so with a girl, especially if she has a close relationship with her parents.  I want to be aware that someone is going to want into my family, and I want to be able to know that my daughter will have someone that we can trust and have mutual respect for as well as know that he will protect and respect my daughter.

For instance, if a man like my cousin, who routinely cheats on women and is probably abusive but the women don't seem to see until too late even though it's evident, I would want to make it known that I would not want my daughter to be with him.  I want her safe and taken care of.  The saying love is blind is true.  Sometimes, family sees more than the prospective bride.

nikel13

@kdc2007 Honestly, with my ex-BF, who was mentally abusive, my parents did try to talk to me about it the entire time.  I think the time of the proposal would be the last ditch attempt to make it clear that this is not a positive person to have in all of our lives.  I think my dad would have totally told XBF no when it came to marrying me.  H, on the other hand, they love and call him their kid as well (ILs are not much for parents).  It's almost a here's your final word because, once married, you have to be as kind and quiet as possible, within reason.  This man will be the father of your potential grandchildren.  Should he be a complete abusive dick, the proposal is your last chance to ensure the safety and security of all of your family.  

Apparently, at least with my dad, an over protective father becomes worse as a grandfather.  Lily's suitors won't have it easy.

ASmallWonder

I'm with @kdc2007 I have a lot of feels on this.  My mom doesn't like DH because SHE is crazy.  Why the hell should she get a say?  Why are you not adult enough or person enough to make your own decision on who to marry but the minute you DO marry, you're then adult enough/person enough to make all other major life decisions.  If I have major issues with the character of a person my kid is in a long term relationship with, I'll talk with them.  Not to run their life but to help guide them and be there for them.  

GraceInCA

I have a daughter and would not need nor want her significant other to ask permission. Her dad may feel differently, but I feel like it's her decision, not ours. As long as she is treated with love and respect, I will love whoever she brings home.

HelgaFunk

I'd like to think if my daughter gets proposed to that I'll have met them more than a couple times so that I can get an idea of what kind of person they are and have discussions accordingly before any blessing/permission talks go down.

slepert

yes - at least out of respect - Im sure my husband would say yes as long as our daughter was in love with him