SAHDs?

MmmPopcorn

H mentioned to me that he would be interested in staying at home with LO after s/he arrives. We talked about it extensively yesterday, and we're trying to talk it out and figure out what the best option is for childcare. We are checking out a daycare this week to get an idea of what our lives (and baby's life) would look like if we both worked, but I'm open to the idea of H staying at home. We can afford it--I'm the breadwinner in the family, and even though H has great health insurance, it would be cheaper to purchase a separate policy for him and baby than to pay for childcare. If H continues working, he would have to work Saturdays and holidays, and we wouldn't see each other very often.

My only concern is that I worry that H is underestimating how time-consuming watching a baby will be. He's convinced that he will be able to get a lot done during the day. He enjoys writing and would like to spend some time writing each week. I have no idea if he will have time to do that on top of childcare, and I wanted to seek advice from other moms!

My questions are these: would H have time to pursue a bit of writing while at home with LO? Are there any other things that I forgot to consider when thinking about transitioning to a single-income household? Is it reasonable to expect H to get some household chores done during the day? I fully expect to share a lot of those duties and take care of nighttime feedings, but I'm trying to figure out how to fairly distribute chores and the like, and any input from SAHMs would be helpful. @momtojad, I think you've mentioned a few times that your husband is a SAHD. Any advice?

TIA!

momtojad

Hubs is a SAHD.  We knew we were going to one income the second I got pregnant, the question was just who was going to be working.  I will tell you that it is hard being a working mother and not having your child in day care.  You don't really fit into a mold with many people who can relate.  

I do expect DH to do the house work, but he doesn't do it up to my standards which is frustrating but I have learned to pick my battles.  It is hard job and I know he is exhausted. 

 I don't believe he would have time to do any real work from home until you have an established nap scheduled which didn't come for us till 9 months.  

Going to one income meant sacrifices but they were ones that we were already preparing for before the baby came.  We don't buy new cars, we don't have cable, we have prepaid phone, we do free activities and we really follow a tight budget to make sure we are set if I was ever to lose my job.

I resent my husband sometimes as well.  It is hard leaving my child every day and only seeing him for an hour and half at night.  I do bedtime every night as my special time with him.  It is also hard because I BF for 14 months so I was responsible for the night wakings and still was working during the day.

People do give you shit about it.  I have been asked when my husband is going to get a job several times.  People assume you have all this money because you are one income which is usually the total opposite.  They also make asshole comments like, man I wish I could find a wife like you.

My husband does cook every single day and before he became a SAHD he didn't know how to turn on an oven lol.  This is really important because I want to be able to eat as soon as I get home and then play with DS.  

Another thing that sort of sucks is there are not that many support group/playdates for sahds.  I belong to bump club but my husband isn't about to go to a playdate with a bunch of moms so DS doesn't get to play with other kids as much as I would like

If you have any more questions I would be more than happy to talk about our situation.

missnacholover

DH and I have discussed this extensively.  I'd be the one SAH as he is the main breadwinner.  He said he would expect me to do the majority of the housework while he would still take care of the house maintenance and outdoor things.  This is kind of overwhelming to me because I do get annoyed when I feel like he's not doing his fair share/pulling his weight.  I just don't know how I'd be knowing it's all on me...how I'd transition into that mindset of "this is my job and sole responsibility".

One of the big hangups for us is the giving up of my income.  Even though DH makes significantly more than me, it still would put a big dent in our budget and things we'd like to accomplish in the next few years (buying a house, paying off student loans, etc.).  Neither one of us is really willing to do without things like cable, driving new(er) cars, vacations, etc.  And the price of daycares around here will still allow me to bring in a decent amount of money so it's not like we would be breaking even. 

We aren't completely taking it off the table, but I think for now it makes more sense for me to continue to work.  In my industry, if I was to be out of the field for a good amount of time, I'd be screwed as it's always changing. 

ETA: One thing that's become more important for me as I've gotten older is more lifestyle/quality of life.  I am very lucky in that I have a super flexible job so I currently work 410s.  I think if I was working nights/weekends like your DH it'd be a very different conversation and thought process. 

MmmPopcorn

Thank you all for your helpful advice. You brought up a lot of points that I hadn't considered yet, and it's helpful to see as many perspectives as possible before we make a decision.

Some info about our lives: we don't have smartphones, cable, or any debt other than our mortgage. H makes just over minimum wage at a part-time job, so his income isn't enough to cover childcare. Financially, we're not really worried about that part of the transition. I don't make a ton of money as a teacher, but we live such minimalist lives that it doesn't really matter. H already gets questions like, "When are you going to find a real job?" and "Is that really what you want to do with your life?" His parents are begging him to get a Ph.D. in an obscure humanities subject because they think it would lead to some kind of magical employment opportunities, but we're not convinced. H would find staying at home more fulfilling even though he would deal with a lot of the same insulting questions he gets now about his career choices.

Since I'm a teacher, I would be home around 4 or so each afternoon. I live a glorious 5 minutes from work. I get up crazy-early, but if H were to keep working, he would be up at 4:30 each morning. I would have to wake up even earlier than my current 5:30 wake-up time to get baby ready and off to daycare, so H being at home would at least guarantee a little extra time in bed.

We also both have family nearby. H's parents live in the same town, and my folks live in the same state. MIL has offered her time on Mondays and Fridays if we need it, so there is a chance that H would be able to drop LO off for a few hours and get some things done either for the house or for himself.

One thing I am concerned about is feeling a little jealous of H's opportunity to stay home. I would have liked to stay home, but H has never been able to find a job that pays much more than minimum wage, so it has never been in the cards for us. I also see myself coming home after a rough day of screaming middle-schoolers to my own screaming child, and I'm worried about how I'll handle that gracefully (this would be a problem regardless of H's job, but it still scares me).

Any other advice or tips you could come up with would be greatly appreciated. Thanks again for all the helpful responses thus far!

momtojad

I do feel jealousy about the time they get together. I do think that is good for my son to see his dad in a very non traditional gender rule. My husband is waiting on a green card so I know that we wont' be switching places anytime soon but we will always remain a one income family because I believe that parent care is the best care for a child.

bethanyturon

My husband is a SAHD and I wouldn't have it any other way.  We did the math and it would have cost more for him to work, plus he's a good Dad.  There is "me" time, especially for the first year as they usually take 2 naps which gives you maybe 4 hours to yourself.  That's usually the time to do chores when they're super young, but you can wear them too.  DH does ALL the housekeeping (I don't remember the last time I vacuumed).  I take care of bills because I'm the financially-oriented one.  He cooks during the week and I take care of the weekend (and we go out for dinner on Fridays).  I take on responsibility for child care when I get home in the evenings and on the weekends to give him a break, and take care of dishes and laundry that needs done on the weekends.  He takes care of the mowing and I do the garden.  It's taken us awhile to get all these details worked out and I'm sure there have been times both of us don't feel like it's an equal split, but he does do a really good job taking care of the house, and more importantly, raising our daughter.  I had to learn early on not to micro-manage his style (Moms have a way of doing that), and we do each have our own personal way of doing things.  But it gets done either way so it's really just been a matter of learning to respect those differences.  I am the one that made most of the baby food before she was on solids, probably more because it was a personal thing of mine.  And I always got up with her at night for feedings, I breastfed, but I probably would have anyways because he's not good with sleep.

The one main thing I wasn't prepared for was the pressure that would be on me to balance his mood.  I knew in the beginning that there were lots of activities for stay at home parents, and fully expected him to be an active part of that.  What was a shock was how closed many of these are to males, either overtly or informally.  It's awkward when the group of Moms is all there with the 1 man, on both sides.  So I do feel my daughter missed out on social opportunities she would have had otherwise; I have compensated by being very socially active with her on the weekends and developing relationships on my own.  Now that #2 is coming, it's not even a concern any more.  BUT, the bigger issue is that I'm really the only adult he interacts with on a regular basis.  We don't have family nearby, and he's not the kind to develop friendships (he prefers acquaintances).  This put a lot of pressure on me to balance him out, he lost perspective and reality and began nit-picking at really insignificant things because he didn't have that bigger picture to keep his mind / mood in line.  I started making him go out once a week, and that made a huge difference.  If you have any other questions, please let me know, I'm happy to help!!

Oh, financially, it's hard sometimes but totally worth it.

bethanyturon

Oh, one more thing, I struggled, especially early on, with the pressure of it.  Because I would work all day and then feel like I was coming home to work at night and on the weekends.  If you go this route, make sure to take time for myself.  I still probably don't do this as often as I should.