DH is an A** (NBR - vent)

kescalera

So DH has this female co-worker who has been struggling with alcoholism, much like he did a year ago. He has stepped in/up and acted as her sponsor even though she refuses to go to AA or really help herself in any way. At first I was completely supportive as she's actually a high-school friend's little sister so I've known her since she was about 10 and it made me very sad to see her so close to losing everything. Now however, I'm done. I'm over the drama, over the constant phone calls, texts, emails, midnight calls to DH to pick her up 30 minutes away so she can get to work or her boyfriend & her had a fight or she had too much to drink and can't start the Blow n' Go in her car... yes she has one, is on probation from the Court & has already lost custody of her two kids & still won't stop. 

On top of being tired of dealing with all her drama, which I'm starting to see she creates herself & then wants someone to come "rescue" her. I've spent the last month + listening to DH tell me everything that's wrong with our relationship & everything I'm doing wrong as a wife & he can't explain it all to me, but She "gets it" She just understands everything about him so well. I have been trying so hard to be better at everything he asks for, more time for "us", more sex even though I'm exhausted and cranky and feel like road-kill. I used to run 3-4 miles every morning to stay health & in shape but he still told me it didn't make a difference because I just got "ugly skinny" and I needed to focus on lifting weights because my butt still looked like cottage cheese... so I don't run anymore because why the hell would I get up 90 minutes before everyone else when I'm already exhausted and the effort is not appreciated. He says he wants more passion (read: sex) in our relationship so I tried to make sure he got it at least once a week no matter what, talked to my doctor, everything but its not enough, he wants spontaneous sex... with a toddler & a teenager in the house on the weekends, in between him texting Her & me trying to keep the house clean, kids handled, clothes clean, food, dog, work full time, etc. etc.

He had a one-night stand a year ago which caused me to lay down the law on his drinking - quit or get out. We separated for a couple weeks but he's been sober a year August 1st. I'm starting to wish I would have just kicked him out then and never looked back. Now he's having what I would consider an emotional affair and gets mad at me when I'm not understanding & supportive of him trying to help her. He even tells her and her boyfriend that they shouldn't do what I did because I was mean, not supportive, still don't support him, just cut him off, don't give him what he needs/wants.... GRRRRRR!!!!

I keep telling myself I love him, he's a good man although very misguided at the moment, he's a wonderful father, our marriage is worth saving, maybe it is all my fault, anything to keep from just throwing in the towel but I don't know what to do. I have my own issues I'm trying to deal with but I get no real support from him on any of it. 

Help me out, ladies. Am I bailing a sinking ship with a teaspoon? 

minervacullen

Oh my. That would not be ok. Him telling you how to look/be better for him plus this thing with her. I'd have punched him.

He either needs to drop her or you need to reevaluate your situation.

I remember all of the issues with him last year, and you've been more than accommodating.

I'm so sorry he's putting you through more crap. It isn't your fault, at all.

Big hugs.

Beth.1212

It's hard to judge a situation based on a posting, but from what you've written, it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all. I think you need to consider what you want from this relationship and whether your DH is capable of providing it. It might really help for you to talk to a professional counsellor to sort through your feelings and figure out where to go from here. Once you know what you need from DH, if he won't have a reasonable discussion with just the two of you, you might want to consider a marriage counsellor. If things don't start to really improve then, it might be time to move on, IMO. 

I can tell you that I would not be okay with my DH (1) doing nothing but criticizing me and then (2) running off to "help" some girl while leaving me with all of the responsibilities of running the house and taking care of the kids. Actually, I wouldn't be okay with either of these things independently of the other. 

One thing that I do have to say. This is definitely not all of your fault. 

Jackiemxoxo

She def has to go! It would drive me nuts that he talks about how 'she gets it.' It sounds like he is having an emotional affair and that is in no way fair to you. Also, it sounds like you are trying all these things to make things better and he is not appreciating them. 

He needs to understand how you both need time work on your relationship which can't happen if he is investing time into something else. If he is willing to cut ties with her and willing to work on you guys then, I would consider giving him a try.

However, you have already bent over backward for this relationship and it doesn't sound very fair to you. Unless he is willing to change, you will always be the one trying to work on you and him criticizing you. He should be supportive of you and willing to do his part to work on himself. Otherwise, you will always be left feeling insecure and unhappy which are direct results of his criticism and nothing you did. I agree with pp that marriage counseling would help because it really sounds like he needs an outside perspective of how he is hurting the marriage. I hope things get better! 

kerbear135

I don't know your husband or this woman, but just from what I'm reading, their relationship is throwing up all kinds of red flags for me. Personally, I would recommend counseling...even if you can't get DH to agree to go, counseling can help you figure out what YOU need/want (and to me, it sounds like your needs and wants aren't even being considered) to be happy...whether that's with your DH or not.

LittleFish1

agree with what the other ladies have already said. He is not acting as her sponsor based on your description. Sounds like he is more venting to her, as if she is his sponsor. I'd be ending the relationship / giving an ultimatium based on the comments you said he said. If she gets him so much better, why continue to lead you on? Sounds like he uses that as an excuse each time he is supposed to do something within your relationship/for the family, rather than him taking responsibility for his choices. If he truly wants to maintain YOUR relationship with him, next time she phones, he should be giving her the number of a cab service. Other wise, he is cut off from sex. If he complains that you are using sex to get your way - fine! I have zero issue with that. Would keep it that way for each week that he tries to be her knight in shining armor, when he is truly being an enabler that she is just using. Plus, he has no idea if she truly "gets it" or if she is just saying/doing what she thinks he wants to hear so she can use him some more.

What he perceives as his needs/wants, may not be the best thing for you. Take care of yourself ... exercise is a part of that, will help to keep you healthy (although 90 minutes of running isn't necessary in my book) and helps to relieve some of the stress. His comments are just mean, and would guess they're controlling in their purpose.

SingleMom31

I'll admit that I've never been personally involved in AA, but everything you've said seems counterintuitive. I found their brochure on sponsorship though and the one "rule" seems to be that the sponsor should be of the same sex. I'm sure that your issues are part of the reason for that recommendation. If you want to check it out, it's at: https://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-15_Q&AonSpon.pdf

Anyway, I agree with PPs above. It's definitely not you.

JessAnnJ

I agree it doesn't make sense for someone to have an opposite sex sponsor. I also remember your post a year ago. At this point your DH needd to focus on his own sobriety and keeping his family together. If he's not willing to do that I can't imagine how you can move forward. The things he has said to you about your appearance are verbally abusive and that is not okay. I think it's important to trust your gut in this situation since only you really know all the details. But, based on what you described I would not continue to be in a marriage like that. It would make me crazy and a worse person and that is not what a marriage is supposed to be like.

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jsoubel

I do not have any specific advice, but I wanted to say that your thoughts and feelings are justified.  You are absolutely within your rights to ask him to end that relationship and to work on yours.  Sending support to you!

DecemberGirl1216

I don't have much to add and echo what has been said already. I would definetly be concerned about him with having had an issue with infidelity previously. Factoring in that they both have addiction issues it seems to be a really bad idea.

Besides from that your marriage is a partnership and you shouldn't have to go above and beyond doing everything plus so he won't do things he shouldn't be doing. I am sorry you are going through this, sending support your way

jac409

I am sorry you are going through this. I can't add much beyond what everyone else has said either, but I definitely agree that she has got to go. How would he feel if the tables were turned and you were "sponsoring" someone of the opposite sex? My guess is that it wouldn't go over well. Hugs to you and keep us posted on how things are going : )

JessAnnJ

@kescalera‌ - I just wanted to stop by and say I hope you are hanging in there. Thinking of you and I hope you are able to find a solution that you feel good about, whatever that may be.

ExcitedAunt2b

@kescalera, hope things are improving and like @JessAnnJ we're thinking of you!!  ((hugs))

kescalera

Things are going quite a bit better actually. I've been working on communicating more, even the icky stuff. Its caused a few arguments but overall seems to be bringing us closer to being able to talk things through. We even had sex Saturday morning!... And stopped to argue about every minute of it but hey, looking back I laugh at us. Doing our thing, stop & snip at each other, go back to doing our thing, stop & snip at each other. Somehow it still worked  :-/

We had a 2+ hour talk last night about everything and learned things about each other. DH was able to be really open with me about how he was feeling, how my reactions were encouraging behavior that was causing more problems for me & round & round & round. We both agreed we do want to work towards a better "us" and he agreed to be more respectful of me, our marriage & not let other people cross those boundaries again. 

I'm cautiously optimistic. And still going to start seeing a therapist on my own to help deal with my individual issues I'm bringing into the relationship.