Desperate...

mjcbwlbaby

Today is literally the worst day I have had in my TTC journey. Which is saying a lot because I have bad days pretty often. My life has become checking TTC forums and ff 24/7. All I EVER think about is pregnancy and wanting to be pregnant. I feel like you ladies are so Lucky because you can keep trying month after month (which I guess isn't lucky because that is heartbreaking and really takes it's toll) because DH has to leave for 6-7 months for work at the end of this month, so this is our very last month trying for a long time. I'm heartbroken. But I am hoping that 6 or so months off will give me a break from all the stress. However, new stress will stem from being so upset I have to wait longer to be a mom. I feel like it's time to move over to the bump full time. I'm currently on another forum as well but most of those women are women who come and join after 2 weeks TTC and think there's a problem and then get bfps the next day. I can't handle it. I'm so broken and I can't even cry anymore. In want it so bad, as I'm sure you all do too. I just want to know if I will ever be a mom so I can get on with my life. It's just a shitty day. I'm sorry for all the negativity but this really sucks.

Mostly I came to find something to take my mind off TTC. What do you ladies do? I'm sick of swimming in my despair and depression. I need something else to look forward to.

shirleymaeby

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time of it.  I have also had those complete meltdowns where I was convinced I was never going to be a mom no matter what I did.  

I know it seems like a hard thing to do right now, but stepping away from it for a few months really can help.  When my OB referred me to an RE last September I was devastated because I didn't think we could afford any kind of treatment OOP.  So we decided to just take a step back and we didn't schedule our RE appointment for another 9 months while we saved up for the next steps.  In that time I stopped tracking my temp, stopped reading books about TTC, stopped using OPKs, stopped Pinteresting cute stuff for a nursery I might never decorate.  And it was actually a really great thing.  By the time we came back to the process we were well rested and a little less stressed and a little less manic.  I cried a whole lot less, and our sex life was finally fun again.

So I know it's hard and that you're impatient (we all are).  But maybe you should look at this time as a chance to relax.  Read a good book.  Drink all the wine and coffee you want and eat sushi once a week.  Start going to a boot camp so you can have a rockin' bod before baby comes along and softens it up again.  Take a cooking class (I actually took 2 cake decorating courses and it was a lot of fun).

Many, many hugs for you!  Hang in there.  We will all be alright.

theholmanherd

I'm so sorry you're having such a bad experience. This is supposed to be such a wonderful time, but none of us on here have had it easy. I've been in your shoes. Then I started writing a book and volunteering two days a week and working 20-30 hours a week. Making yourself busy helps so much, but make sure it's something you really enjoy. Right now, my husband and I are taking a TTC break because I'm in another state, caring for my grandmother. It's hard to think about the delay, but it also takes the pressure off so I can focus on other things. Best wishes to you.

Edit: extra words

mjcbwlbaby

We can't freeze DH sperm because the hospital here does not do iui or IVF or anything along those lines and since we live on a small island I'm taking a shot in the dark by saying there's not many places on island that provide those services. Not to mention our insurance doesn't cover iui (which I assume is what happens after they freeze ssperm since he won't be here)

mjcbwlbaby

And I apologize for offending you

I'm mostly meaning people who can try new things each month. Treatments, diagnoses.... There's only so much I can do while DH is gone. And he blew his only chance before he leaves at his SA (not his fault but sometimes I still feel bitter lol). If they find that I don't ovulate properly at all I can't start any treatments until he gets home and I don't want to wait that long. That's mostly why I really really want to just know if I will ever get my BFP.
I suppose it was dumb and insensitive to say. It was the heat of the moment because I am mad at my stupid body. And the world apparently. Eh. It'll blow over. Tried to make myself kind of sexy and spending the day with DH.

BunnyBerry

I'm so sorry for your struggles. I can't imagine how it must feel to be forced on a 6 month break. I'm sure I'd be ready to just throw my hands up in the air.

We're on a brief (maybe 2 month) break to do some procedures and give DH some meds, and I know that having some concrete steps to take that will be part of our fertility journey have made it much easier to deal with the wait. 

Perhaps you could consider this time as a chance to prepare yourself as fully as possible for the healthiest pregnancy ever? 6 months sounds like a great time frame to reinvent your diet and exercise choices, take some kind of classes to learn a new hobby or skill, or make a really involved commitment in some kind of volunteer capacity. Perhaps you'd like to spend some time with a counselor working through some of the stress and pain of IF to help get through these months without YH, and feel more refreshed and ready for the renewed stresses when it's time for treatment again.

It sounds like the other forum you're on is causing more harm than good. Perhaps joining the On a Break check-in here if you haven't already, or even "detoxing" from TTC forums at some point if you feel you would like that.

I hope you are able to find peace in this really hard time.

nswain85

I'm really really sorry that you're feeling so down this whole thing is so mentally and emotionally demanding/draining that it is easy to just become all consumed. Is there a hobby that you've been wanting to try and get into? Maybe take up a new type of physical activity you've been wanting to check out? Good luck!

JericaLH

I'm sorry you're having such a bad day.

I'm a homemaker so I don't have work or anything to distract me, but thankfully DH and I have put in two massive veggie gardens that need constant weeding, and it's berry season so I go out picking and usually takes up a couple hours. Also because it's summertime I can always count on my girlfriends (who are normally in grad school) to come and hang out with me so I don't lose my mind. I'm a fledgling quilter so on those miserably hot/rainy days I stay inside and cut squares or piece quilts together and watch a movie. Anything and everything you can think of can be a distraction. You just need to find a hobby you enjoy and go enjoy it!

Hopefully everything works out and YH's time gone will fly by quickly. Better yet, here's to praying you get that BFP this month!

lebradford

I'm sorry you're going to be going into a forced break. Breaks can be rejuvenating, but they can be really hard too.