DH Can't Stay Hard

masterofallcheese

I feel so embarrassed... but I am so desperate for help. I am approaching/in the fertile window and the last 3 times we went to have sex, hubs can't stay hard. Each subsequent failure he is taking more personally. I don't know what to do. I honestly feel so angry at him because we are spending so much money and wasting it. I'm on CD 14 and probably will trigger tonight so obviously the next few days are crucial. Thanks ladies in advance.

BunnyBerry

I'm so sorry. IF doesn't leave any aspect of our lives in peace, does it?

You mentioned that he's taking it personally, and that you feel angry at him...as counterintuitive as it sounds, I'd say the more you can "act" as if it doesn't matter whatsoever, and totally avoid mentioning the fertile days, I think that will give him his best chances of performing. Especially since this was before trigger, it might be easier to downplay it or laugh it off together. Perhaps you could talk about how it's just one cycle, there's no rush, you can just try again next month if needed, it's not a big deal, etc., and then just see how it goes. I think for men it can be a short trip from feeling inadequate to feeling angry or that they don't care. 

Has YH seen a urologist? Perhaps there is something physical working against him. Plus, I'm sure it wouldn't be the first time a little blue pill was summoned in the service of fertility. Do you think YH would be comfortable with you calling the RE or uro and asking about performance meds? It's probably pretty unlikely that YH actually wants to waste this cycle and the money spent on it.

I am praying for you both to find peace in this difficult time. I hope everything works "swimmingly" the next few days around trigger.

masterofallcheese

Thank you so much for the kind words and great advice. Unfortunately, he is aware of my fertile days because he administers the trigger shot , but maybe in the future I can try doing it myself so he won't know. He was fine with me asking today if we can convert into an IUI cycle (which we still can) so I think he would be fine with me asking about other things like a pill.

Thank you again.

lupineaura

Good luck! I'm guessing stress is playing a factor- I feel bad for both of you! I ditto asking about a pill. Does he have the problem solo? Perhaps you could watch a little adult entertainment together?

catlover790

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this! It seems that everything surrounding IF is so stressful and difficult. I think you already got great advice but I just wanted to say I hope things work out!

masterofallcheese

lupineaura said:

Good luck! I'm guessing stress is playing a factor- I feel bad for both of you! I ditto asking about a pill. Does he have the problem solo? Perhaps you could watch a little adult entertainment together?

Ooh! Good idea. Thank you!

lilmamapanther

Wal-Mart sell those extenze pills out helps with blood circulation my DH has had 3 heart attacks and sometimes had to take them to increase blood flow to his lower extremities. It helps and its only $24 and you don't have to wait for a prescription so your trigger shot won't be for nothing. Plus try making the these fertile days more romantic to take some of the pressure off...Good luck

masterofallcheese

iPutKetchupOnKetchup said:

Is this something that is "new" or does it happen each cycle? If it's new, it's totally possible that the pressure has just gotten to him this month. I'd just convert the cycle to an IUI and tell him you totally understand and you'll try TI next month.

I'd make it a point to have just-for-the-hell-of-it sex from your IUI on so that by the time you are in the fertile window next month, you'll know whether this is an under-pressure reaction or a more serious problem that meds would help with. Maybe all the fun sex in between will help keep his mind off of the urgency to finish right now. 

And ditto on the porn.

It's a brand new problem this cycle. And you brought up a good point by suggesting having inter course just for fun after the fertile window. I need to do a better job of that because I know my interest tapers off sometimes at the end of the cycle. Thank you.

Mozzarella13

Victoria's Secret. She knows how to bring the sexy back!! A little of that and some porn and I bet he will get his mojo back! Good luck!

theholmanherd

Yeah, it's really important that he doesn't feel like breeding stalk. LOL MH hated when I would just want sex during the fertile window. Men need to feel sexually needed all times of the month. Don't let TTC change your attraction to sex. Sex is still really great outside of TI. Remember those carefree sex days? He probably just wants that feeling back. I know that worked for MH. We make it a point to have sex 2-3 times a week, no matter what my fertile status is at the time.

lilmamapanther

theholmanherd said:

Yeah, it's really important that he doesn't feel like breeding stalk. LOL MH hated when I would just want sex during the fertile window. Men need to feel sexually needed all times of the month. Don't let TTC change your attraction to sex. Sex is still really great outside of TI. Remember those carefree sex days? He probably just wants that feeling back. I know that worked for MH. We make it a point to have sex 2-3 times a week, no matter what my fertile status is at the time.

I completely agree

BunnyBerry

I am completely guilty of the terrible temptation not to have sex from O to AF. It's like all the hormones just disappear and all that's left is a menopausal woman in need to something advertised in a commercial with flawless-skinned women who happen to have white hair. It definitely annoys DH and he will sometimes make me wait a day with some excuse if I am finally ready after a longer hiatus.

Being on BC pills recently - I am trying to get back that awesome feeling that I used to have knowing I was fully protected from pregnancy so let's Get This Thang On, but unfortunately it's too painfully ironic and does nothing for the mood anymore.

juneroses

Per @Rumbera28‌'s suggestion, you might consider browsing something like 'pure romance' that sells toys. my SIL had a pure romance party for her bachelorette party, and they sell all kinds of different things to spice things up.

wanderlust508

I don't have anything to add that hasn't already been said ....but it seems like changing the mood (with porn and turning up the sexiness factor) can definitely help you guys out here!  As hard as the IF has been for me, I really feel for MH because it can be really difficult to set the mood and have it feel sexy when it's around O time.  I feel like it takes a big toll on our sex life and I could probably do more to improve that.  Like other posters have said, I can try to initiate sex more at times that are outside our fertile window.  

Good luck and I hope the performance anxiety works itself out with a few tweaks in your usual routine!