Getting back up on the horse

mpiemont

What was your post loss/pre TTC again sex life like? It's been well over a month since we DTD due to some spotting I was having before I knew I miscarried. I am clear for sex by my OB, but it is seriously the last thing on my mind right now. I feel bad because DH has been so understanding through all of this and has not once even tried to get any action. I don't want to wait to start doing it again when we are TTC (which is not yet), because then I just feel like it's utility sex. I want to just feel normal again, and that was a part of my normal life/relationship.

rslh10

It took a month for me to be even remotely ready for sex. Take your time and go at your own pace. If you are upset after, it's normal. You're allowed to feel exactly the way you want to about this whole situation. It's not black and white and don't feel like you have to feel one way or the other! I was worried I would be sad after we dtd after my loss, but I wasn't. I was relieved. The first time was over and I could continue my sex life with my H good luck, pretty lady!!

DenaMaree

I love what Petra said about keeping your relationship intimate without involving sex until your 100% ready! DH was amazing at being patient with me after my D&C but was right there with me at my post surgery appointment two weeks post D&C and asked the RE about having sex again. The RE said another week and then condoms until I've had two cycles. I was SO worried that DH was going to start pushing the idea of starting sex again a week after the appointment, but instead he really started upping intimacy. It was in the middle of the intimate cuddling, making out, and fooling around like teenagers that we had sex post D&C and since then we have gone out of our way to make post D&C sex extra special each time to it feels exciting!

MrsG80inTN

Hugs.  I know this is hard.  I've been more like @HoldingOutHope and have been able to separate sex from my losses.  It was still hard, but the intimacy helped like others have mentioned. I even read a book called Sheet Music to help me get some ideas about getting the intimacy back in general because we had abstained from sex while I was pregnant because I too had had spotting pre-MC.  I'd recommend a nice date night with some wine (if you drink) and maybe a walk holding hands and just see where things go.

jennadesigns

I had such a hard time with this too. We hadn't done the deed since I was about 5 weeks pregnant and we didn't again until nearly 9 weeks after my D&C following my loss at 8 weeks. I was totally afraid of breaking down and crying and to be honest, it was the furthest thing from my mind. I really struggled with it. I knew my SO was missing that part of our life, but honestly, I didn't miss it at all. I finally just made myself do it the other night and it wasn't that bad. Since then there's been a lot more affectionate touching outside the bedroom, which I realize we'd totally abandoned in the months we weren't having sex. I too didn't want the sex to be utility sex as you said about TTC, so that's why I decided to get back on the horse when I did. I didn't want my SO having the impression that was all I wanted him for.

Know that it's okay if you still need time. And spend as much time as you can being intimate with your DH is small little ways throughout the day, outside of the bedroom. I wish you the best.

BackstreetPixie

I know how you feel. I wasn't ready for well over a month and still at that point timid and even scared. I couldn't separate the thought that this was how we get pregnant and my pregnancy was gone... BUT  one thing that helped me was actually weirdly enough the condoms... they reminded me of when we were young and in college and were having sex because it was fun and felt good and had nothing to do with making babies...  Also as others have said, cuddle. Hold hands. Kiss. Maybe even have an old fashioned high school "make out" session without any sex. just enjoy being together.  Also if there are certain things you used to do to "prepare" for love making try doing those even if it doesn't lead to the deed. Wear sexy lingerie (if that is something you used to do) or whatever other things you may have done. Whatever you need to do to feel comfortable with intimacy again. And don't stress, it's okay to feel the way you feel. ::HUGS::

Km380

I struggled with this too, more so after the 2nd. I think it took at least a month to be ready. Part of it for me was also feeling so poked and prodded with appts for so long that I just wanted to be left alone down there. One thing that sort of unintentionally started after the loss was we started holding hands in bed as we fell asleep. I needed contact to feel safe. We still do it and for whatever reason, it makes us feel close. In the end we did a weekend getaway, had some drinks. I still got upset. But mh was very understanding and it wasn't a problem after that. (((Hugs)))

Eta hit post too soon

Denise91980

I tried to separate the two, but right after each loss was hard for me to be in the mood. It took a little time but these days we can't keep our hands off each other. My last loss was in Nov, but I feel like we go through dull periods and really active periods. I think we will be fully on the horse next month. We aren't exactly TTC but not exactly avoiding either.

Lalalady54

I felt very afraid the first time we had sex after the D&C, I say afraid because I was afraid of everything that came with having sex again. I just pushed through it and now our sex life has resumed as normal. I think I was so afraid of getting pregnant again before I was ready and I was just still healing.

Take the time you need to heal, I am a "rip the band-aid off" kind of gal and know I need physical touch as it's my love language, so I just went for it. ((Hugs))

alm288

After my D&C, I was very nervous about getting back in the saddle. I thought it might hurt or that I would be very emotional (I tend to be somewhat emotional anyways). I remember the first few times being "different" - psychologically. I was still dealing with the loss and my emotions. After a few more weeks, our love life went back to normal. I needed the intimacy as well.

Everyone is different, so take as long as you need and be open with YH. I think the other ladies gave you some great advice. (((Hugs)))

MSU_Girl1202

We waited about a month after my D&C to have sex again...it wasn't that I wasn't physically ready, it was just that emotionally, I associated it with TTC and I just wasn't ready for that. After the first time we did, I actually cried because all I could think about was the MC. Hang in there lady...it's not an easy time, but you'll know when you're ready

MrsPhD83

I know how you're all feeling! I assumed I would be able to separate sex from our loss. The first time (about 2 weeks after D&C), I was kind of worried it would hurt or that I would be emotional, so like the others have said I just kind of went with it. I felt very relieved afterwards. More normal. However, the second time, my emotions totally took me by surprise. My doctor told us to use condoms for the first month post-D&C and when DH went to grab one the second time, I just broke down crying. I felt like it was so unfair. I didn't want to use a condom....I wanted to TTC, and actually, I wanted to just still be pregnant. Your emotions may creep up on you, and that's ok. Just take things at your own speed and things will start to feel more normal. hugs to you!

Feegan

This is something I also struggled with and it took me nearly 6 weeks post-D&C to finally get up the courage to approach. Like many have suggested, being intimate in other ways helped bridge the gap to getting back to a place where it was something I wanted to do. DH was very patient and really tried to make it "about me" the first few times, although I made sure to have a conversation with him before hand making sure that there were no expectations and that if it wasn't working, that we would stop. Having that open and honest discussion was very helpful and took a lot of the pressure off. When I was finally ready I picked up some new lingerie that I felt sexy in and we just took it slow. After the first few times, we found ourselves again and now things are back to normal. Take your time, and most importantly, take care of yourself.

Also, I thought I'd link a previous thread about this topic for you to peruse, some other great insight in to the matter: https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12354407/being-intimate-after-loss

summerbld2

We were TTC and MC at 12 weeks and had and D&E- we had to wait 4 weeks but choose to wait 6 weeks. For me the first time after was fine - I was happy to have that relationship back with my hubby after so long. But afterwards was when I started to cry. Being that he is my husband and best friend he totally understood why I was crying.

Menrandes

It took me until a cycle after the first loss to be ok with that kind of intimacy again.  Because I was on bed rest and pelvic rest during the pregnancy itself, that ended up being a long time without sex.
I was much more worried about how I would feel after.  I was terrified that I would be too emotional and cry, but that didn't happen.  It was nice to get that intimacy back.