Need to vent

Irishm2b

This is my first post... been hesitant but seeing all the support you ladies have for each other is incredible. My MIL has been frustrating me since day 1 of finding out that we were expecting. It started with us telling my hubby's parents the good news and asking them to keep it to themselves for a little while longer since it was pretty early on. Well she decided not to do that and told his entire family OUR big news.

Then this week my hubby was talking to her and explained that even though we find out next Thursday whether we are having a little boy or girl we may not tell them right away (we are trying to come up with a cute way to tell everyone). She then went to her sister and her husband crying that we aren't going to tell them at all and are punishing her for telling our news of the pregnancy!

She is taking all of the excitement for this pregnancy out of it for me. Every time we do anything she has to be included and in a way I kind of don't want to say anything to her since I do feel that she will just go run and tell everyone first. She makes everything about her, even to the point if I don't respond right away to an email she sends she immediately asks my hubby if I am mad at her.

I don't know how to explain how I am feeling to my hubby so he can have a chat with his mother. I am so worried that this is how it is going to be for the rest of this pregnancy and then once the baby is here. Any advice or support would be greatly appreciated!

melanchitty

This happened to me. The worst part is that I was working with my MIL (I'm not anymore we just moved.. Thank GOD). But when I told a select few in my dept I was pregnant (cause I had started having really bad ms and was missing a lot of work And had to be hospitalized) so I told everyone including MIL to not spread the news which no one did except you know who. I was livid. Which is the reason I started getting ALOT of unwanted belly rubs, pregnancy questions, etc, even from people I didn't know (between 7-10 wks.. So awkward). I flat out told her 3 times to stop. In my situation the only solace I have gotten is moving 1800 miles away. Haha!

You should be firm with her, even if you come off as bitchy, that's YOUR news to share and not hers. Don't talk about the sex of the baby until you have decided how you will tell everyone and she will get over it. Some people need to grow up and realize not everything is about them. GL!!

Cryssteen

My mom is like this too.  Everything is about her.  Everything is on her timeline.  Although, I do have to give her credit for not spilling the beans about the pregnancy for about 6 weeks until I gave her the ok.  I wish I had some advice for you.  I don't.  My mom made me cry last night about crib shopping... She doesn't mean to, but she sucks the fun out of every major life event.  All I can offer is this:  Try to manage your expectations of her.. And try not to say things that my trigger her... Like maybe it wasn't the best idea to tell her you weren't planning on sharing the baby's sex with her.  Rather, act as if you're not planning to find out at all... you know?

mlee116

My mom can be sort of like this sometimes.  I will say she has gotten better lately, but when I had DS, I learned how to deal with her.  Unfortunately, in my experience at least, if she's like this now, it will be worse when the baby gets here unless you deal with it now.

PP's gave some good advice, so I won't repeat of all that but one thing I've learned with my mom and MIL is to limit what I tell them because it doesn't even give them the opportunity to say anything.  My mom can be especially negative and critical, so if I don't give her any fuel, then it eliminates a lot of our differences.  If I want her opinion on something, I ask.  Otherwise, I don't even bring it up.  

So in your example, don't tell her when your OB appts are and then she won't even know when you find out the sex and you can tell everyone when you want.  If you don't want her to spill the beans about something, wait a little longer to tell her.

CandEChicago

Irishm2b said:

This is my first post... been hesitant but seeing all the support you ladies have for each other is incredible. My MIL has been frustrating me since day 1 of finding out that we were expecting. It started with us telling my hubby's parents the good news and asking them to keep it to themselves for a little while longer since it was pretty early on. Well she decided not to do that and told his entire family OUR big news.

Then this week my hubby was talking to her and explained that even though we find out next Thursday whether we are having a little boy or girl we may not tell them right away (we are trying to come up with a cute way to tell everyone). She then went to her sister and her husband crying that we aren't going to tell them at all and are punishing her for telling our news of the pregnancy!

She is taking all of the excitement for this pregnancy out of it for me. Every time we do anything she has to be included and in a way I kind of don't want to say anything to her since I do feel that she will just go run and tell everyone first. She makes everything about her, even to the point if I don't respond right away to an email she sends she immediately asks my hubby if I am mad at her.

I don't know how to explain how I am feeling to my hubby so he can have a chat with his mother. I am so worried that this is how it is going to be for the rest of this pregnancy and then once the baby is here. Any advice or support would be greatly appreciated!

She sounds manipulative to me. You need to have that conversation with your DH even if you aren't sure how to approach the topic.

If it were me I would also stop telling them info until that info is ready for a broader audience.

LinziLoo09

I agree with PPs, don't tell her what you don't want her to make a big fuss about. I don't trust my dad with any news. He will unapologetically tell anyone and everyone he knows (including our huge crazy family), so I don't tell him anything until the minute before I hit "Enter" on a public FB post. As far as he knows, he's learning the info at the same time as other family members. With your MIL, I wouldn't give her details about exactly when you're going to what appointments and when you expect to learn what information. She doesn't need to know that she's not getting information; it seems to just create more chaos if she knows that she doesn't know. Just disclose it once you feel it's safe for everyone to know, and let her think she's "in" on it. 

That said, it sounds like your DH probably needs to set some boundaries with his mom over the next few months so things don't get crazy with the birth of the kid. Have a talk with him, and make sure he's on the same page. He needs to run this interference for you.