Do you tell everyone about IF?

indianaalum

I got married at 40, so I obviously started trying for a baby immediately. Due to a long list of people in my life who had difficulty getting pregnant at a later age (and my own suspicision that I could be pre-menopausal), I didn't fool around and wait a long time before consulting. I gave it about 5 months and then called an RE so I could get in right at 6 month mark. Then I got pregnant within 3 months of going to the RE (look at siggy for IF details). BECAUSE of that, I keep hearing "omg, I can't believe you got pregnant so fast at your age" type of comments which really isn't technically true as I clearly had help albeit I got lucky fast with that help.

I have been very open to my side of the family since they are very well versed with IVF, but I find it awkward to initiate the discussion with others when they say it. I certainly don't want to lie to people, but when there is 20 people around some of which are strangers, I have a hard time saying "well, actually we did IVF"...I just worry it looks like I am misleading those other people close to me...but it seems like there are people I would be willing to tell, but they always bring it up when others (strangers, children, etc) are around so it never seems like a good time

Anyone else have situations like that?!? 

Do you always disclose regardless of situations? Do you initiate the "I did IVF" with people, even if they don't ask?? I am just curious how others handle this.

I hate when older people act like they got pregnant on their own (hello Halle Berry-- LOL) when stats clearly are not good for 40+ year olds, so I feel like a liar, but I also don't feel like it is an appropriate conversation to have when a 12 year old is in the room as it often leads to more adult-like questions.

Neesey

I agree that you can say you had help without giving all the details. Even though we are one of those "stop trying and it will happen" cases, I will never tell anyone that! I don't want to perpetuate that myth. I've been thinking a lot about how I would respond and I think my standard reply will be something like, "After three years of trying and lots of medical help, we were blessed with a miracle." Share what you feel comfortable with. I personally wouldn't have an issue talking about it with a 12 year old in the room but I think part of that goes to me knowing the IF history of my family from such a young age. It's not like I'd tell people about pre -IUI cup fun with DH!

ccam

While we were going through IUIs and IVF for DS, the only people who knew were my best friend and our immediate family.  We were very private about it, even when people made stupid comments to us.  It's a lot harder to be open at the time, especially with the first, because you have no idea what, if anything, will ever work!

Since having DS, we told a few more people but not many.  And it only came up because of a certain conversation - it's not like I introduced DS as my IVF baby or anything, we definitely weren't there yet.  But now that with this baby, I'm almost positive our family will be complete, I wouldn't mind sharing more.  In fact, I'd rather help to educate other people who don't know about IF.  But I think that's because I'll be more comfortable now that we're "done".  It's a totally personal decision.

indianaalum

I do think part of it is that we didn't tell anyone about IVF at the time because we really did not believe it would work due to my age. I also saw how long it took some members of my family to finally get a success with it, so I was skeptical it would ever happen for me. I figured it was better to be vague when I would get the perpetual "will you try to have a child?" question (at my age, THAT is the question you get..now "when will you start having kids" type of questions that younger folk get- LOL). I never wanted to answer that because if it did NOT happen, I didn't want to get a pity party. Also, some people just never asked if we were gonna have children DUE to my age..

so when we announced, people were shocked. I think that made it a little harder to reveal I guess because everyone then has the "oh, that was fast" because we got pregnant basically 9 months after getting married at the age of 40 so I don't think it really dawned on people that we DID have help since that usually takes longer.

I personally find it easier to tell people one on one.

I am sure once the baby is here it will be even easier. I think I am still in the "what if this doesn't work out" phase. still scared until the baby arrives healthy

I DO want to be open. I just find myself not there yet, I guess. I certainly don't want to be a hypocrite and mislead people, especially because I believe media perpetuates the "TON of women are getting pregnant on their own in their 40's, when that it not reality. MEDICAL SCIENCE is helping a ton of women in their 40's getting pregnant"

jaytee16

Everyone we have told so far already knew about our IVF (immediate family and my BFF).  H shared with his BFF that we're expecting - I had to let him tell someone! - and I definitely mentioned how it had been a long road and we went through treatments, I can't remember if I specifically said IVF or not.  I will give it more thought as we get closer to telling more people, but I definitely want to indicate that we struggled with IF and received help to conceive.  I wasn't overly open about IF throughout it all, but always said if we were lucky enough to get our miracle, I want to be open about how it happened.

rlk2

We are very open about out journey and I have no problem sharing that we did ivf. Especially when people find out we are expecting twins and I get comments like "you have no clue what you are in for" and "I'm sure you are still shocked". I tell them we put two embryos in and are so blessed that we are getting two miracles.

OutdoorGirl10

Same as what many of the PP have said. When we started with IUI, DH and I didn't tell anyone at all, not even family. I just didn't want the questions of why we waited and what took so long from DH's side.  When we decided to move to IVF and got underway, then we told only immediate family and a handful of close friends what we'd already done and that we were on to IVF. They were all incredibly understanding and supportive.

But, with people that were more peripheral friends that we didn't see often or hang out regularly with, we didn't say anything until right around the first tri and then just said that we'd been trying for 8 years and got help from a doctor and now we are having a baby.  We only talked to them in more detail about what we had gone through if they asked and if it was someone we were comfortable with and it was a good time to go into detail .

On the other hand - total random strangers I'll never see again - I'm much more open with just saying that we tried for a very long time and had to go through IVF.  I figure there's a slim chance I'll ever see them again so who cares.

Praying4Miracle17

I was closed off at first and when the first IVF failed, I was devasted.  For the second round, I told more friends and all of family as I knew they would be super supportive and they were.  When we announced on facebook, I included our struggles and our miracle baby and through that I got a few private messages of people in the same boat and wanting someone to confide in. 

I feel like I want to be an advoate for infertility and I'm not ashamed of how we got pregnant.  In fact, IVF was brought up last night at the baseball game I was at as a lady next to me shared that she just adopted a boy after struggling with infertility (she was drunk and probably why she shared so easily) but I told her my baby was actually an IVF baby and it was amazing how you can bond with someone over something so difficult. 

BabyKsMommy

It really depends on the audience. I'm more open about our fertility treatments, we have only done IUIs. But since we are MFI my husband is not. So people I am friends with generally know. People my husband is friends with don't know.

No on suspects anything because of my age, 28. But I do have strangers ask if the twins I'm pregnant with are "natural" or "run in the family". Nope no twins in my family yet. But there will be.

liz4paws

Yes, I do all the time. I'd wear a shirt that says "ask me about embryo adoption and infertility" if it wasn't overly weird! Whenever someone asks me about my pregnancy or due date, I usually segue into "We waited many years for this baby. AND, she was actually adopted as an embryo." Usually that sparks conversation and questions and I'm able to educate about embryo adoption and IF. My hope is that I am getting the word out, and perhaps might somehow get back to someone struggling, or someone with embryos to donate. I point people to my blog frequently because I think it does better justice for our struggle than I can convey in a short convo.

In fact last Saturday I got to talking to a stranger next to me at the nail salon. She had actually heard about embryo adoption because her friend had gone through it. I'm sure lots of other people overheard our convo, and I'm happy to wear it as a badge of honor and hopefully give others hope.

OutdoorGirl10

Oh, one more thought too. I was very careful with the words that I chose when I told 2 of my friends, because they are very hard core strict Catholics and I was nervous about telling them. Based on prior conversations with them and their facebook comments, I was prepared for a a fire and brimstone, "you went against what God has planned for you" type of response. I was ready for a tough conversation about beliefs and if they were that against it that I felt that I would have to distance myself from them. To my shock, they both were happy for us and went on gushing about how raising kids is the best thing ever and how they wished us the best and were looking forward to seeing pics!

I guess my point is if you have people like that in your life, think ahead a little bit about how you might respond.

orange1414

I generally say something like "it was a long time in the making." And if they push, I'll tell them about our journey. Just do what you're comfortable with.

xtina78

I think it's totally a personally preference but I prefer to tell almost everyone, just to spread the word and in the hopes that others who may be dealing with IF won't feel so alone. I actually end up telling a lot of people b/c of the question "Do twins run in your family?" answer "no, we did fertility treatments which is why we have twins." Also the question "Were you surprised to find out you're having twins?" Answer "No, we did IVF and put two embryos in so it wasn't a surprise." 

Recently I was asked by a crazy seeming lady in a crowded waiting room if my twins are "natural" or did we have "help." And I just said they were natural b/c it didn't seem like a good environment for educating her. Also in IMHO they are just as natural as any babies, they are not made out of plastic.

formerwigirl

I've been very open about our IF struggles. I will say I am in awe of those of you who struggled for years. I consider myself very lucky to have gotten my BFP after only my 3rd IUI. IUI seems to be harder for people to understand than IVF. It seems like if you say IF treatments most people think IVF. So I always say we had medical help but not to that level. It was the step they take before IVF. I've gotten many of the stupid comments but then again I've been very open about what we went through. My hope was by being open that I would find others who had struggled to give me hope, which it did. I hope that I can be an inspiration for those who are struggling.

Our neighborhood is a bunch of new homes built in the last 2 years. We have had 5 babies born in the last year and currently there are 4 more babies on the way. I got a comment "if I come over, I am not drinking the water." I said yeah well it must of missed our house because I had to pay for surgery and treatment to get where I am.

I am only 29 so really not that common that someone my age seeks IF treatment, so it doesn't come up often but if it does I make sure to mention it because its part of our journey.

mdiblasi10

I am very open about our IF so if the opportunity presents itself in a conversation, I definitely talk about it. I will share as much as they will let me  

tarala

It really is a personal decision. I changed so much throughout this process, that it sometimes depends on where you are at in it. Initially, when we started testing and IUI #1, no one knew. IUI #2 we told our parents and our IVF round, told our siblings and a select couple of people.

Now, if someone asked, I would tell them. In fact, when we announced on Instagram, I put ICSI, IVF and IVFsisters as hashtags. This was to continue to connect with other women.

I have completely changed my view on this whole process. Initially, I was ashamed and embarrassed over our struggles. I couldn't even tell my mom and found myself crying alone & often.

With all we have been through, I now realize that I am proud of what my DH and I have overcome. Being open and honest with myself helped me to squash those unrealistic feelings and accept the situation. I hope that my story inspires others as many women on here have inspired me.

Mrs.McIrish

We were open about IVF as of a few years ago but when cycle after cycle failed, we stopped talking about it. No one knew we resumed treatment this past year. But I definitely admit that we did IVF 99% of the time. The 1% is to strangers who inevitable ask "do twins run in your family". Umm, no, it's called IVF.

Like you, I'm 40 but it took almost 4 years and 8 rounds of IvF, the last 4 with DE, to get here. I'm fairly open about DE but I don't blurt it out when its strangers or lead with it bc I know a lot of people simply don't even know what that means....My ILs are elderly and don't need the explanation-- they don't want to know and I don't need to explain to them. But I also hate the hypocrisy of Hollywood etc with 40+ ladies getting pregnant "no problem". It is BS and I can't participate. I tell people when I can educate them.

FWIw, I don't think doing IVF is a "big deal" to most people. At least where I live. Everyone seems to know someone who did it and it just isn't a "shocking dirty little secret".

I know I shouldn't admit this but if I didn't know you did IVF and found out you were KUd 9 months after getting married at 40--- yeah I'd hate you a little bit!!! I get super jealous when I hear those stories since it took me thru hell and high water to get here!!! So, I think you should tell if you are comfortable with it just bc other people having problems will be nicer to you if they know you did IvF!! Lol

indianaalum

Mrs.McIrish said:

We were open about IVF as of a few years ago but when cycle after cycle failed, we stopped talking about it. No one knew we resumed treatment this past year. But I definitely admit that we did IVF 99% of the time. The 1% is to strangers who inevitable ask "do twins run in your family". Umm, no, it's called IVF.

Like you, I'm 40 but it took almost 4 years and 8 rounds of IvF, the last 4 with DE, to get here. I'm fairly open about DE but I don't blurt it out when its strangers or lead with it bc I know a lot of people simply don't even know what that means....My ILs are elderly and don't need the explanation-- they don't want to know and I don't need to explain to them. But I also hate the hypocrisy of Hollywood etc with 40+ ladies getting pregnant "no problem". It is BS and I can't participate. I tell people when I can educate them.

FWIw, I don't think doing IVF is a "big deal" to most people. At least where I live. Everyone seems to know someone who did it and it just isn't a "shocking dirty little secret".

I know I shouldn't admit this but if I didn't know you did IVF and found out you were KUd 9 months after getting married at 40--- yeah I'd hate you a little bit!!! I get super jealous when I hear those stories since it took me thru hell and high water to get here!!! So, I think you should tell if you are comfortable with it just bc other people having problems will be nicer to you if they know you did IvF!! Lol

I do feel very fortunate to have it happen so fast as i REALLY didn't think it would happen at all. My age and PCOS actually helped me out. My doctor didn't waste time doing  "med only" interventions such as clomid only because of that lovely "ticking clock"..and when I Kinda overstimmed when I did IUI so I wasn't eligible to do any more IUI's.  went straight to IVF very fast .blessing, in the end

ajlmom

I've been really private about our struggles. We both have big families and just didn't wanna deal with the comments. Only a few of my very close friends know. We didn't tell any family members, not even my mom.

marnief

We told our parents and one friend each when we were going through it, but didn't tell them each time we had an IUI. When we announced, we told everyone about our infertility struggles, and I tell most people, strangers included. Especially since strangers feel comfortable saying things like, "oh, it must be awful to be pregnant in the summer," I generally retort, "it took us seven months of infertility treatments to get here, so it's actually pretty amazing." That usually shuts them up.

WA1215

Neesey said:

I agree that you can say you had help without giving all the details. Even though we are one of those "stop trying and it will happen" cases, I will never tell anyone that! I don't want to perpetuate that myth. I've been thinking a lot about how I would respond and I think my standard reply will be something like, "After three years of trying and lots of medical help, we were blessed with a miracle." Share what you feel comfortable with. I personally wouldn't have an issue talking about it with a 12 year old in the room but I think part of that goes to me knowing the IF history of my family from such a young age. It's not like I'd tell people about pre -IUI cup fun with DH!

We have a similar story. I struggle with how to share our news and IF journey as well.  We were on a IF treatment break when I got a natural BFP.  I dont want people to think that after taking a break, that anyone can get pg.  Its just not true. I
A few family members have made rude comments on how long it took us, and all I said was we had help from a specialist.  They didnt get it.  I wish I could find the words to say, without letting them know it happened to be natural this time.

MKateG

I just wanted to share, since announcing my twin preg at work (Im a nurse) I have been very honest and open about what it took to get these babies because someone always makes a comment about twins! O my twins! Do they run in your family! But since opening up at work ive had three women I work with to open up to me about their struggles with IF they do seem to see my preg as encouragement and I've answered some questions about ivf and specialists in or area for them. It feels nice to be an encouragement to other women struggling.