Don't know what to do with myself

CheesyPeas

I feel so lost and don't know where to go from here.  I just buried my baby a couple of days ago and now I'm sitting here now knowing where to go from here.  I'm fearful of going out in public and turning on the tv because I can't handle seeing pregnant people, newborns, or hell even merchandise targeted at little girls right now.  I don't want to go back to work, read work email, or get on Facebook because again there's that pregnant women and baby thing but also just the casual chit chat breaks my heart.  It's a reminder that everyone else's world keeps on spinning where as mine has has stopped.  I can't lay in bed because that depresses me more but I can't even do stuff around the house because when I tried that yesterday, I started cramping and bleeding more.  I was obviously rushing into physical activity too quickly (and I use the term "physical activity" very loosely because I didn't do much at all) as the nurse warned me not to do.  And that, in turn, just made me replay in my head over and over how upon discharge from the hospital my nurse inadvertantly told me that I shouldn't be lifting anything heavier than my baby.  I just don't know what to do.  How do I survive these first few days/weeks?  And when did you start being able to function somewhat again?

mumel16

I'm so sorry, I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. It took me a few weeks before I could function even a little bit. Please just don't be hard on yourself or expect anything from yourself. If you don't feel like you can do anything then don't.

If it helps, my husband and I visited the cemetary every day after we burried our son. It gave us something to do and bringing him flowers made me feel like I was doing something for him.

lexusolsen

I'm so sorry. That's so hard. Maybe watch a tv show or movie that you know is safe? Read a book? In the first few weeks I made a shadow box with his blanket, hats, hospital bracelet, and pictures. I bought the things to make his scrapbook too. I also reorganized the crap out of my home. I purged crap like crazy. It made me feel better that I could accomplish something, have control over that aspect of my life.

In time, you have to deal with all of those hard things in order to work through this pain. You will never be "over" your loss and your child, but avoiding things only delays the inevitable.

Be kind to yourself and take it easy.

ikrystal

I'm sorry. I remember how hard it was after we had our boys' memorial.  You have the right to do whatever you need to do to protect yourself - avoid people, avoid fb, avoid certain movies and tv shows, etc. And you have the right to do that for as long as you need to.  I couldn't move much either from a bad case of adema, but activities like reading and writing helped.  Don't put any expectations on yourself during this time and do what you need to do to heal.  It doesn't seem like it with everything that has just happened , but someday you will be able to do and face the things you cannot deal with right now.  In the meantime, just take care of yourself. 

mmsweeney1

I feel so bad that you're going through this and I remember it so well. I had a lot of health problems and complications with my delivery, so I found it helpful to focus on getting myself better. It seemed like one thing I could control even a little bit. I would make sure I ate and drank well to help with swelling and walk short distances around the neighborhood.

We also had visitors almost every day. It was so hard because seeing neighbors or family/friends made me feel like I was on display somehow. I really didn't like it but it helped pass the time I guess. It also showed me how many people care about us and were hurting with us.

I was really into "passing the time" at the beginning. My loss was in the summer, so I would become fixated on watching the baseball games that came on around 7 at night. It was something to look forward to all day and I could pretend I really cared about them winning or losing. It really was just a way to get through the days. Looking back, I know it was kind of weird!

I also went back to teaching because the school year started about 3 weeks after I got home from the hospital. Work really gave me something to focus on as well. I couldn't stand being in such a quiet house all alone after my husband went back to work. I knew everything was supposed to be so different with a screaming baby around and I couldn't handle it.

You really just have to be kind to yourself and let yourself feel and do whatever you need to at first. Don't feel bad even if it's just staying in bed and crying sometimes! I'm really sorry you're dealing with all these tough things

luckyclover0922

I am so sorry you are going through this. I still have those days but fortunately they are not as frequent as they were when we first lost our son. I still have a hard time seeing pregnant women, seeing babies and hearing about people who just gave birth or are announcing their pregnancy. You will never truly be healed from the loss of your daughter... but it does get better one day at a time I promise. I never thought it would... but here I am today almost 4 months out from my loss and I am better, not healed... but better. ((Hugs)) to you and know that you are allowed to feel however, whenever and whatever you want.. you are a loss momma and that is one of the hardest things anyone can through.

stefuge

I am so so sorry.  The first few months are so hard, so just be gentle with yourself.  Set small goals or tasks, even if it's just to take a shower or get the mail (and if you don't accomplish them, let it go and try again the next day).  Take it day by day, moment by moment.  Let yourself feel whatever you are feeling.  If you need to cry, do it.  If you need to scream, do it.  If you need to lay on the couch and try to forget, that's okay too.  

It will get easier as the pain is less intense and as you learn to carry it, as you get used to seeing pregnant women or babies, and you learn how to respond.  There are triggers everywhere, and unfortunately, I'm pretty sure there always will be.  But it does get easier.  And I hate saying that, because every time it makes me feel like I'm "over it" or "okay" with losing my baby, but it's really more of learning to live with the pain versus the shock of a recently inflicted wound.  

Take it day by day and know that we are here whenever you need us.

OSUWifey09

***SIGGY WARNING/living child mentioned***

Reading your post took me back to the early days - those who have been there know exactly what you're talking about. I'm so sorry you're going through this and have to experience this.

I took six weeks off from work and slept maybe 3-4 hours a night for awhile. To keep my mind off things, I watched a lot of mindless TV and Netflix. It's easy to get lost in a marathon of The Big Bang Theory or Will and Grace when you don't want to deal with the real world. I shut myself off from the world for awhile because that was just easier for me...but I did have my son (who was 3.5 years old at the time). So if we went out, we went out early in the morning or to places where I didn't think I'd see many pregnant women/babies (like the museum, or to a park I knew was hardly used because the people that lived in that neighborhood had mostly school-age kids).

I did a lot of writing, too. I wrote journal entires and just let it all out there. I was determined to do so much more during leave - organize my house, scrapbook etc. - but I found that just getting through each day without wanting to completely lose my mind was the best I could do. As time went on, I went back to work and life got back to my new normal, it got easier. I hope it gets better for you soon, too. **hugs**

shandorfml2

I am so sorry, it takes time (((hugs)). I was able to somewhat function about 5-6 weeks. I then went back to work and the first 3 months were the hardest, then it began to get better. Much love and hugs sweetie...lean on us when you need too 

kflynn81

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. After I had Jack I was still dealing with the post partum effects of preeclampsia and was really swollen from the edema so I wasn't able to much of anything either or my bp would spike. My IL's were good about coming over and helping me with house stuff and playing Scrabble with me to keep my mind busy. I think that's the most important thing to learn now and for the future is how to occupy your mind ....whether its reading, watching Netflix, taking walks when you're feeling better just something to keep your mind moving. Heck, even something silly like Candy Crush would be good   Hope the bleeding ends soon so you can regain some mobility.

aezmommy

Hello everyone, this post is very emotional. I lost my daughter in June and I am going through some of the same situations. I am so afraid of going anywhere local cause people look at me weird cause I'm no longer pregnant or they ask how is the baby or where is she.I am going through the worst time of my life! The day before my daughters funeral a lady at the beauty salon who actually is from out of twin and didn't know that I was previously expecting asked me when was I going to have kids and I literally burst into tears.The same night while getting items from wal mart I was turned around trying to avoid a worker who always talked to me about my pregnancy walked up behind me and said "let me see your big ol belly' I could have passed out on the spot. This is such a heart time for me all I can do is pray and God bless all mothers who have suffered a loss, may God protect us all and bring peace and understanding !

lexusolsen

kflynn81 said:

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. After I had Jack I was still dealing with the post partum effects of preeclampsia and was really swollen from the edema so I wasn't able to much of anything either or my bp would spike. My IL's were good about coming over and helping me with house stuff and playing Scrabble with me to keep my mind busy. I think that's the most important thing to learn now and for the future is how to occupy your mind ....whether its reading, watching Netflix, taking walks when you're feeling better just something to keep your mind moving. Heck, even something silly like Candy Crush would be good   Hope the bleeding ends soon so you can regain some mobility.

Since I lost Ben I've become addicted to the Frozen version of this game. I originally downloaded it to distract my dd but it's too difficult for her. It's the perfect mindless activity for me though!

AshersMom11

CheesyPeas I am so sorry for your loss. I had to take a facebook break for a while after our loss. It suddenly seemed like everyone I was friends with was pregnant or had just had a baby and it was just too hard to answer questions but how my pregnancy as going from people that didn't know what happenened. I deactivated my account and have only recently re-activated my it, but have hidden a lot of people from my news feed. I agree that having something to keep your mind busy will help. I actually found it helpful when I went back to work because it kept my mind focused on other things.

@aezmommy I know exactly how you feel. I have had a couple of run-ins with with people who didn't know we lost our baby and it was awful. I walked away and cried both times. Hugs to you

finally00

I read a lot of self help books. It makes me feel better to know that other women have been through the same thing. Keep your head up.