Relationships (losses mentioned)

KS0510

I'm relatively new to the bump. My husband and I found out that this pregnancy will end in a m/c, just like the last one in April of this year. I've noticed we are snapping at each other a lot. I don't want to go down that road, it's nobody's fault. We need each other in this time.

I guess what I'm trying to ask is, any of you who have been there, how do you keep this from taking over your relationship? We want to try again but I want to be sure we are okay emotionally before doing so...

Sorry for the wall of text.

stinybean

I'm sorry for your loss. I unfortunately don't have any advice to give you, but I wish you lots of luck.

Km380

I'm sorry for your losses. This can really take a toll on individuals and relationships. Try to remember you are both grieving and everyone grieves differently. Mh and I have had some rough times bc of the losses but we've remained open and supportive. If we fight, it happens. At the end of the day, we both know we're doing our best and want to help the other. Have you considered therapy to help you both?As for trying again, give yourself time (and follow dr orders) For us, if 1 of us isn't ready, we take more time. If 1 of us needs a break, we take a break.
Welcome to the board, I hope you can find support here

KS0510

We are usually pretty good at communicating but this just seems too large. I think we both want to talk about it but at the same time need some time to come to terms on our own. I find myself TIRED of talking (about anything!) sometimes. Ha Therapy is something I will consider in the coming weeks if we aren't handling this as well as I hoped.

Thanks for the support and welcomes, also.

littlecookie

I'm so sorry for your losses.I was pretty worried about my H when I was going through my losses.He was so focused on supporting me, I wasn't sure if he was able to grieve how he needed to. Cut yourselves some slack if you're both on edge. It's an incredibly tying time. If it's not getting better or the fights are particularly vicious, I think a counselor might help. Hugs 

KS0510

Megdowntheshore said:

I'm so sorry for your losses. My DH and I have had our fair share of fights resulting from the stress of multiple losses. But, ultimately, we've come through stronger as a couple. I think having to face this has made us less likely to fight about petty things. One thing that has helped us through is putting ourselves first and protecting each other. We make time to do things together, pretty much all of the time. We support each other and put our priorities first, in a united front. It may sound selfish but I think that our slightly selfish attitude has saved our sanity and our relationship.

I don't think it's selfish to put your marriage before other things That's great.

jjbmstinco

Welcome. I am sorry for your loss.  I would suggest going out and doing something fun.  Reconnecting with each other.  I understand with being tired of talking. You can only rehash things out so many times.  Take some time and it will eventually come naturally. Counseling is a great suggestion.  Remember we all grieve at different paces, and they aren't in order.  Rarely will you both be on the same level.  That is ok.       

I wish you all the luck!

[Deleted User]

I'm so sorry for your losses.

I agree with what PP have already said. Just take time for both of you to heal before you jump back into TTC. MH didn't really open up about his fears/feelings from our loss until we were trying again. We were on the same page but he'd been repressing some things that came out without warning to either of us. We talked it through but realized even when we both thought we were 100% ready again, the fear and pain crept in.

Your going through hell and probably feel alone, but you both have to remember you're going through it together. Thinking of you as you get through this. ((Hugs))

ashlee113085

I'm so sorry for your losses. I second PPs. It's a really difficult time for any couple and it can be very hard on a relationship. DH and I just made sure to always communicate with each other especially if we were having a bad day. It's also important to communicate what you need (and sometimes that can change at the drop of a hat!). If it's space, that's okay. If it's to talk about something else, that's okay. If it's go do something special together, that's okay. It's okay to do things for yourself because everyone grieves differently and on their own time table. I remember telling MH that I needed him to sleep on the couch and have my mom sleep in bed with me after my loss for a couple of days. Weird, but true.

Thinking of you, and I hope you find support on this board. ((hugs))

sfazar

I just wanted to send a hug and say I'm sorry this very difficult experience has given rise to tensions in your relationship.  I hope you find support here that you may be missing at home.

One thing my counselor encouraged me to do when my husband gets short or frustrated with me as I battle depression is to try to pinpoint exactly what I need from him (a hug, for him to just listen, a chance to get out of the house, for him just to hold me, buy flowers to cheer our house--not that that happens!  ).  It's sometimes hard to figure out what I need, but I think that a lot of the time men become angry or frustrated when they feel helpless. Maybe if you explicitly tell him a way to help you, you two will be drawn back together.

meredithcarole

I am sorry for your losses. Welcome to the board. I would encourage your husband to find someone he can confide in (a friend or parent, maybe) so he has an outlet. I think that was the hardest thing for MH - he felt very alone. I think the isolation adds stress. Other than that as PP said, if you can seek counseling together that would be good, too. Maybe even a short getaway could help refocus your energy on each other rather than the miscarriage.

BackstreetPixie

I just want to say so sorry for your losses and ::hugs::

As others have said, be sure to take out time to grieve for both of you and to be sure you are both ready emotionally to move on. This can take a few weeks, a few months, or longer. Everyone is different. For me it took 3 months to feel ready. Also I agree that talking with a counselor could help as could taking time to just be together doing other fun things you enjoy. Whether that is a movie and cuddling or going out and doing something just to take your mind off the ttc stuff for a while and just enjoy each others company. It is absolutely normal to feel sad or angry about what has happened and you both need time to heal together and separately as well. ::hugs::

LilNugget19

I'm sorry for you loss ((Hugs)).  I'll just echo in what PP have already said.  After our second loss we were just worn down and it felt like TTC had taken over our relationship.  We have decided to take 2 months off and just make it about our relationship.  We have planned a lot of fun things to do and will spend that time putting us first.  I feel like we have laughed more in the past few weeks then we had since April, it's been great.

LizBlue

Sending hugs and wanted to relay a story. Two weeks after my d&c my husband and I got in the dumbest fight. Over basically nothing. But it was probably our biggest fight ever- I left the house, screeching away in my car. He angrily mowed the lawn. We didn't speak for hours. Honestly- we were angry. Not really at each other but we were filled with all this anger and nowhere to put it. It didn't become a habit, thankfully. Hopefully you and your H will get back on the same page soon. And I agree with PP that therapy is never a bad option.

ImJessesGirl

First, I am so sorry you and your husband are having to go through this. It is so hard. I also want to say that I know how you feel. My husband and I grieve very differently. I wanted him to hold me and love me and let me cry. His instincts are to draw away and go be alone. I had to let him grieve that way before he could come hold me and be my shoulder to lean on. You both have to be understanding that you have BOTH lost something.

LizBlue

@snegde Ha, totally.  When I returned home from my fight, he was outside ripping through his chores - it was not the worst thing.  

KS0510

These are all great suggestions. I like the cuddling idea. And having fun... I feel like I'm always working (and I generally am!) or worrying about saving money so we never do anything anymore. We should leave the house for once!!

sfazar

lav17 --you totally hit the nail on the head.  It's the loss of the "old me," too, that upsets my husband. I can't change what happened, of course, but I am hoping that I will regain some of my optimism with time. It's a choice, I realize, and I just haven't felt ready to move on yet. 

eliida

I am so sorry for your losses. As PPs have already said, recognizing the problem is half the battle. My husband and I were definitely fighting more--and with more anger--than before our loss. It was like a light bulb going off when we realized how our grief was impacting the way we were talking to each other.

It also helped that we both found something non-TTC to focus on and look forward to. I picked up a project that I let fall to pieces a while ago, he started something completely new--marathon training. Of course we still struggle with the pain, but it's nice to be winning at something.

KS0510

Yeah that's how I've been dealing. I'm redecorating (or making plans to lol) every room haha