What can I do to help?

alleycat39

When friends and family ask what can they do to help in this mess of the aftermath of a loss, what do you tell them?

We have been very open with friends and family about all of our losses and people have, for the most part, been nice about reaching out. I know there is really nothing they can do to solve things, but I often wish I had something to tell them they could do to tell. What I find myself saying is "just keep checking in on us, remember that this is a process and not just a one day thing."

Have you been able to pinpoint how friends and family can help you cope?

BookishMomma

I had people bring me meals. The last thing I felt like doing was cooking.

jbasore1123

To be honest, no one has ever asked me this.

BethKate2

jbasore1123 said:

To be honest, no one has ever asked me this.

Same here.

After my surgery, I was actually hoping someone would offer to pick up some food or something for us. A lot of people seemed to kind of pretend it didn't happen.

ImJessesGirl

I never really answer that question in any other manner than "thank you so much for offering." I just don't ever know what someone can actually do.

Km380

Lately I find myself saying "just listen and say I'm sorry. Then stop talking" although that's mostly to my mom, I know she's trying but has been saying wrong things lately.

superwife425

BethKate2 said:

jbasore1123 said:

To be honest, no one has ever asked me this.

Same here.

After my surgery, I was actually hoping someone would offer to pick up some food or something for us. A lot of people seemed to kind of pretend it didn't happen.

Me, too.  The people that did know kept saying, "I don't know what to say to you."  Horrible time. 

alleycat39

@jbasore1123 and @BethKate2 and any other ladies who were never offered anything from family or friends- my heart breaks for all of us and especially those who did not have an optimal support system. Shame on people for never asking how they can be of help.

Thank you everyone for sharing how you have answered people. I always appreciate when people ask what they can do to help, but sometimes I just want to scream " I don't know, just figure it out and do something". Like maybe they could offer to bring over dinner, or come sit and listen to me vent, or even just send a card saying they are thinking of us. I don't want to have to figure out what they can do on top of figuring out what I need to do for myself. I know they all have good intentions, so instead of snapping I just simply ask them to just listen when I need to let it all out.

jlworden710

I honestly had a friend come over and just watch movies with me... Along with the few people that made us some meals, and my mil came over and cleaned the house and went grocery shopping for us...

There were definitely some people that I didn't really want around me, I have a few friends that are "one uppers" and while I would hope they would never try to "one up" that situation, I didn't put it past them to be a tad selfish and some how make it about them.

After the first loss I kinda let everyone that knew and wanted to help, help... After the second and the surgery I learned that it was ok to say, "I just want to be alone."

@km380 my mom said some pretty ridiculous things and at one point I told her that in an attempt to salvage our relationship I needed to take a break from her and I would call her when I was ready...

Km380

@jlworden710‌ I'm sorry, I hope you're able to work things out with your mom (((hugs)))

meredithcarole

I had a neighbor take my dog for play dates with her dog. I did not have the will to go on walks at that point.

ashlee113085

I also have only had a few people ask me this, but when they did I just told them that they should not be offended if I don't respond to texts, calls, or e-mails. I also told them that I just wanted to do normal things, and I asked them politely to not ask me questions about the loss and/or the d&e, but know that if I wanted to talk about it I would come to them since I had heard quite a few inappropriate comments from people who insisted on talking about it when I wasn't feeling up to talking. 

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Poppy715

 I'm so sorry so many of you ladies didn't have the support and love you needed. It's such a hard time. Some people don't want anything, some want food, others don't eat a thing, some people prefer to be alone and not talk about the situation, I craved talking about my loss and wanted to discuss what happened.

It's so overwhelming and I think people ask what they can do because everyone is so different. I was so thankful for the things everyone had done that I wrote a blog post dedicated to the kindness people showed me during that time.

BackstreetPixie

I told them I needed hugs and to not forget. To not act like it never happened because for me that is worse. I think if anyone lived close enough I would have asked them to bring me food too. I did not feel like cooking but all our friends and family are in TX. 

Flowerstar1023

Yea, no one asked us how they could help. A few people asked me how I was feeling when I went back to work, but this was in regards to my physical healing post-surgery - not the emotional healing which has taken so many more months. And I think also telling them not to expect you to go back to normal, perhaps ever but certainly not quickly. People kept asking if things were back to normal - and I felt that that just made our experience a little blip to get over - instead of something that very much impacted my life and the life of my husband. The most helpful thing someone did was one of my best friends talked about her own experience with loss and how angry she was afterwards - made me feel like I wasn't alone. And, although my MIL downplayed things, her mother actually called and told me about her miscarriages and how they still impacted her now even though she's well into her 80s.

I'd say the biggest thing people can do to help is don't try to downplay our loss. You wouldn't say "Oh well, it was early." "By this time next year, you'll have a baby" "Kids complicate things anyway" to someone who just lost a pet or other loved one - why say these things to someone who lost a baby?

Big hugs to everyone on this thread. Thanks for making this a safe place.

O2girl

jbasore1123 said:

To be honest, no one has ever asked me this.

^this!
I offer to bring people food when they have had simple surgeries........ But I found that when I m/c people that knew really just didn't say much of anything at all......I figure they don't know what to say, but that hurts even worse
I also wish that people would ask how I'm doing now.......but they don't ask that either.

alleycat39

O2girl said:

To be honest, no one has ever asked me this.

^this! I offer to bring people food when they have had simple surgeries........ But I found that when I m/c people that knew really just didn't say much of anything at all......I figure they don't know what to say, but that hurts even worse I also wish that people would ask how I'm doing now.......but they don't ask that either.

It makes me want to do a huge PSA to all my friends, family and even strangers to let them know that saying something is better than nothing. The recipient of the support will either be appreciative or just not respond if they rather keep private. The whole notion of not saying anything at all seems to be what leads society into believe miscarriage is a shameful thing. 

I'm so sorry you haven't received the same support that you have given to others in the past. Just not fair.

alleycat39

Flowerstar1023 said:

I'd say the biggest thing people can do to help is don't try to downplay our loss. You wouldn't say "Oh well, it was early." "By this time next year, you'll have a baby" "Kids complicate things anyway" to someone who just lost a pet or other loved one - why say these things to someone who lost a baby?

Big hugs to everyone on this thread. Thanks for making this a safe place.

^^^ all of this. I think I am going to add that to what people can do if/when they ask. I think letting them know that this isn't something I am just going to "get over" in a few days or weeks is so important for them to know.

O2girl

@alysonjill‌

Yes, exactly! The topic of m/c is so taboo to talk about. I think people just don't realize that just because the little person didn't greet this earth that their existence wasn't paramount in the lives of all of us. We grieve a silent loss..... And that is sad.

mpiemont

This is such a hard question to answer. I ask for them to keep us in their prayers, since it's tough to say- well we could use a meal since I'm barely able to get dressed in the morning let alone feed my family, etc.

I once read an article about something along the lines of this and it said if someone is in need, just say "I'm going to bring dinner by on Thursday" or "I'd love to meet you after work for a coffee/drink. What day works?" Basically, just tell them what you can/want to do to help. I had a million people say "What can I do?" and its awkward to actually have to ask. I did have a few friends say "I'm bringing dinner Saturday so don't cook" and that meant the world to me.

kvlady82

We have a lot of support, for which, I feel very fortunate.  Since our second loss just happened a week ago today, we just tell people that we appreciate them asking, and that there really isn't anything that anyone can do except be patient (with me…I am a mess) & just be understanding. My husband is acting as the "strong one"  this time around, as I really feel this loss so much harder than the last one.  I am just happy that the people that are the closest to us acknowledge it, because if they ignored it, I know that I would feel resentful!

Denise91980

I usually say just be there and listen. There is nothing anyone can say (IMO) that is helpful because when people often do say things it winds up feeling more hurtful than constructive, especially MIL... She has said the dumbest shit.

KS0510

Km380 said:

Lately I find myself saying "just listen and say I'm sorry. Then stop talking" although that's mostly to my mom, I know she's trying but has been saying wrong things lately.

I totally know what you mean. My parents are forever saying "everything happens for a reason!" or "God works in mysterious ways!" I want to scream.

As for the original post, I also don't get offers from others to help. I wouldn't know what to say. They offer a shoulder to lean on, but I always feel like I'm bumming everyone out when I call or text them saying I'm having a tough time.

Km380

I've been thinking about this today and I have to say there are people in my life who didn't call bc they didn't know what to say. But here's what - in this day you can text or email and not have to worry about hearing the awkwardness of me crying. And that text or email is better than silence. If you are uncomfortable talking, I get that. I probably would have let it go to vm and texted back a thank you. But don't go silent bc it's hard for YOU. I guess that is what I truly want to say to people

alleycat39

Km380 said:

I've been thinking about this today and I have to say there are people in my life who didn't call bc they didn't know what to say. But here's what - in this day you can text or email and not have to worry about hearing the awkwardness of me crying. And that text or email is better than silence. If you are uncomfortable talking, I get that. I probably would have let it go to vm and texted back a thank you. But don't go silent bc it's hard for YOU. I guess that is what I truly want to say to people

This exactly. People need to learn to put their own discomfort aside and realize we are the ones suffering. I know that is difficult to do because a person has to withstand some awkwardness for a few minutes, but stop being so selfish people !

KS0510

Km380 said:

I've been thinking about this today and I have to say there are people in my life who didn't call bc they didn't know what to say. But here's what - in this day you can text or email and not have to worry about hearing the awkwardness of me crying. And that text or email is better than silence. If you are uncomfortable talking, I get that. I probably would have let it go to vm and texted back a thank you. But don't go silent bc it's hard for YOU. I guess that is what I truly want to say to people

This.

kvlady82

It's also one of those things that when people don't know what to say, they say the stupidest shit. My LEAST favorite? "At least you know you can get pregnant!" 

That's when I lose all patience and walk away. (I actually would like to karate chop them in the face).

alleycat39

kvillano82 said:

It's also one of those things that when people don't know what to say, they say the stupidest shit. My LEAST favorite? "At least you know you can get pregnant!" 

That's when I lose all patience and walk away. (I actually would like to karate chop them in the face).

….and my response when they say that is "yeah, and at least I know that each time my body won't keep the baby." They then become silent.