I don't want a shower... advice please!

cozybluebear

Our first baby was born in 2013 and my Mom and MIL planned a huge shower which was great! It was so nice to see all our family and friends before baby arrived and we received so many gifts and gift cards that we had everything plus more then we needed for baby. Heck, my son is 17 months old and we still have a shelf full of washes and lotions from his shower. I know our Moms spent a lot of money on the shower because the hall alone was $400! I'm my Mom's only daughter so I know she's been looking forward to planning it my whole life. It worked out well too because my MIL stepped back and let me Mom be more in control. There's just a special Mother/daughter bond that she respected.

Anyways, I overheard my MIL tell my Mom that she wants to have another shower for this baby. I don't believe in second showers, especially when my babies won't even be 2 years apart. We were "team green" with both so we have everything we need. I feel like our families and friends will look at us as being greedy and selfish asking for more gifts. We really dont need anything or have room for anything so we'll probably just end up returning moat of it.I do think that every baby should be so celebrated though so we were planning on throwing a big bbq/picnic to get everyone together before baby is born... which we do every year anyway.

Another reason I don't want a 2nd shower is my parents are in a really tough spot right now. My Dad is very sick and on daily dialysis so he had to close his business after 35 years. They barely have enough money coming in to pay their mortgage every month and are struggling financially. I know that my MIL would be willing to pick up the slack financially but her and my FIL are also the type to brag to everyone they know that THEY paid for everything... they do it ALL the time. My parents are such sweet people and I'd hate to see their feelings hurt.

I told my MIL months ago that I DID NOT WANT A SHOWER! How do I bring it up now? She doesn't know I over heard their conversation so I don't know how to bring it up.

cozybluebear

SaraML13 said:

I agree with you that you should decline this shower.  Just stand firm.  Your MIL can't force you to have a shower.  Whenever she suggests it, politely decline.  If she asks about dates, guest list, etc, just keep declining.  Also, talk to your DH,  He should make it clear to his mother that you don't feel a 2nd shower is appropriate.

They are planning another surprise shower... that's the problem. I'm not even supposed to know about it. I told my husband to tell his Mom that O don't want another shower and he thinks I'm being selfish.

bumpuser10309732

Maybe if you mention it in casual conversation and pretend like someone else offered to throw you a shower and tell her exactly what you'd say to her if she offered. Like you told "so and so" who wanted to throw this shower. Then maybe she'll come clean at that time that she wanted to do something for you and that will give you an opportunity to talk it out?

DaniGrace89

Maybe suggest something small like a little dinner for close family, and no gifts. This way it will give her something to plan if she has that itch.

Eastie156

DaniGrace89 said:

Maybe suggest something small like a little dinner for close family, and no gifts. This way it will give her something to plan if she has that itch.

I think I'd suggest something smaller as well, like a luncheon. MIL does this in our family versus throwing a 2nd shower.

cozybluebear

We are having a big family picnic in September... we do it every year. I'm sure some people (who we o ly see once a year) will bring us a gift or card. No biggie. For us, it's just important to see everyone before baby comes because we tend to turn into hermits after baby. We didn't leave the house for 3 months after our son was born... it was flu season.

Emerald27

I agree with total honesty here. Tell her you overheard and are so very honored and grateful that MIL wanted to do something special for this baby. Maybe ask if instead of a formal "shower", MIL could invite some close family and friends to lunch or a pool party or something fun but no gifts required.

Also, don't register, or create a registry that just has wipes and diapers, and include a note (most registries allow you to post a note for folks who visit) thanking folks for visiting your registry, explaining that this baby is going to enjoy older bro/sis's things, and please bring their love and company to the shower rather than gifts.

If MIL is insistent regardless about throwing a shower, IMO it might be most polite to accept and suggest that you do a children's book shower (where guests bring their favorite children's book instead of traditional gifts) or something.

cozybluebear

Di_126 said:

If it were me, I'd probably fess up that I overheard the comment and then talk to her about it myself.  It's not like you meant to overhear it, and it's a good opening to an honest conversation about it.  You could even start with, "so, when we were at <wherever> I accidentally overheard you mention such and such about the baby shower to my mom..."  Then tell her how much you appreciate the gesture and her thoughtfulness, but you feel uncomfortable having a second shower.  You have great, valid reasons.  I'd just lay them out for her to explain your reasoning. 

Then maybe you could involve her in the picnic/bbq in some way?  Or suggest maybe the two of you go do something together, like grabbing lunch and a pedicure or something, in celebration of the new LO.  Then she can still brag a little to her friends (honestly, I'd just give her that and not worry about it) and you will get to bond with her a little more as well.

This is great advice. We don't even like eachother so I don't know why she wants to be so involved. I understand that I'm married to her son and they are her grandkids so I always try to include her. I even let her in the delivery room when our son was born. I think she just wants to brag and show off the grandkids to her friends and family... even though she only see our son maybe 5 minutes a week. I won't be doing any bonding with her, that's for sure... lol. I think we'll invite them for dinner this weekend and I'll talk to her. I better do it now before they start any planning. Thanks!

MuffinMom14

You could just not leave your house until the baby is born (that way you know it won't be a surprise). OR. You could just tell her you heard her, like PPs have suggested. That's the way to go. I'd just hammer home that you think it's rude, your friends will think it's rude, and you won't want this burden on your family--specifically since your dad is sick. SURELY that will put things into perspective. Right?

cozybluebear

Does anyone know if you can do a private registry through Babies R Us? We would like to register for a new swing and diapers so we can use the completion coupon but I don't want anyone seeing the registry.

AmandaJean12

Is there someone else you know who would be invite to the shower (hence knows when the surprise is supposed to take place) and would understand your point of view? I have a mother in law who doesn't listen, so I would probably have to find out her plan and then randomly tell her how I'm going out of town for a last trip to do whatever that day so she'd drop it.

That sounds horrible but my request would fall on deaf ears, so I totally understand your frustration.

Emerald27

cozybluebear said:

Does anyone know if you can do a private registry through Babies R Us? We would like to register for a new swing and diapers so we can use the completion coupon but I don't want anyone seeing the registry.

Yes, you can! That's what I did. Both BRU and Target. I want those coupons! Lol

TheOtherJacobsons

My SIL did a diaper raffle with no gifts. I didn't realize that 2nd showers were taboo until TB.

MrsSinner402

TheOtherJacobsons said:

My SIL did a diaper raffle with no gifts. I didn't realize that 2nd showers were taboo until TB.

Same here. But I've concluded we're pretty tacky here in Northern Michigan. As a matter of fact, I'm having two showers. One is being thrown by my mom and the other by my MIL. Tacky central up in here. I guess we're a different breed in the northern midwest.

lotsobabies

MrsSinner402 said:

TheOtherJacobsons said:

My SIL did a diaper raffle with no gifts. I didn't realize that 2nd showers were taboo until TB.

Same here. But I've concluded we're pretty tacky here in Northern Michigan. As a matter of fact, I'm having two showers. One is being thrown by my mom and the other by my MIL. Tacky central up in here. I guess we're a different breed in the northern midwest.

It must be a Michigan thing because I am from southeast Michigan and have never heard of this being an issue either. I didn't realize diaper raffles and books instead of cards were a big fat tacky nono either :-??

MrsSinner402

Nicb13 said:

MrsSinner402 said:

TheOtherJacobsons said:

My SIL did a diaper raffle with no gifts. I didn't realize that 2nd showers were taboo until TB.

Same here. But I've concluded we're pretty tacky here in Northern Michigan. As a matter of fact, I'm having two showers. One is being thrown by my mom and the other by my MIL. Tacky central up in here. I guess we're a different breed in the northern midwest.

But this is your first child right? It's all good then! You could have 8 showers, as long as all the same peeps aren't invited to each of the showers.

Sorry, I know you wanted SOOOO badly to be tacky but you just aren't

But I thought having your mom and/or MIL throw it was tacky?! If not, then yay I'm so classy!

MuffinMom14

MrsSinner402 said:

MrsSinner402 said:

My SIL did a diaper raffle with no gifts. I didn't realize that 2nd showers were taboo until TB.

Same here. But I've concluded we're pretty tacky here in Northern Michigan. As a matter of fact, I'm having two showers. One is being thrown by my mom and the other by my MIL. Tacky central up in here. I guess we're a different breed in the northern midwest.

But this is your first child right? It's all good then! You could have 8 showers, as long as all the same peeps aren't invited to each of the showers.

Sorry, I know you wanted SOOOO badly to be tacky but you just aren't

But I thought having your mom and/or MIL throw it was tacky?! If not, then yay I'm so classy!

Really oldschool people will still go by that rule, but where I'm from, where it's SUUUUPER oldschool, people are now ignoring that, so I'm going to say that's going out the window.

Having a shower for a second baby, though. No. Small parties/BBQs/etc. are fine, but not a full-out shower.

My sister-in-law is from MO and said they do it all the time out there, who cares, if you want a shower, have a shower (so I guess they throw their own showers in MO, too). I cringed.

TheOtherJacobsons

MrsSinner402 said:

MrsSinner402 said:

My SIL did a diaper raffle with no gifts. I didn't realize that 2nd showers were taboo until TB.

Same here. But I've concluded we're pretty tacky here in Northern Michigan. As a matter of fact, I'm having two showers. One is being thrown by my mom and the other by my MIL. Tacky central up in here. I guess we're a different breed in the northern midwest.

But this is your first child right? It's all good then! You could have 8 showers, as long as all the same peeps aren't invited to each of the showers.

Sorry, I know you wanted SOOOO badly to be tacky but you just aren't

But I thought having your mom and/or MIL throw it was tacky?! If not, then yay I'm so classy!

Who the heck else is supposed to throw it for you then? I don't get it. Have a shower, don't have a shower, have a shower for your 2nd kid, whatever. We have them for each kid out here. I guess we're just super tacky in California.

pnwlover12

TheOtherJacobsons said:

MrsSinner402 said:

Nicb13 said:

MrsSinner402 said:

TheOtherJacobsons said:

My SIL did a diaper raffle with no gifts. I didn't realize that 2nd showers were taboo until TB.

Same here. But I've concluded we're pretty tacky here in Northern Michigan. As a matter of fact, I'm having two showers. One is being thrown by my mom and the other by my MIL. Tacky central up in here. I guess we're a different breed in the northern midwest.

But this is your first child right? It's all good then! You could have 8 showers, as long as all the same peeps aren't invited to each of the showers.

Sorry, I know you wanted SOOOO badly to be tacky but you just aren't

But I thought having your mom and/or MIL throw it was tacky?! If not, then yay I'm so classy!

Who the heck else is supposed to throw it for you then? I don't get it. Have a shower, don't have a shower, have a shower for your 2nd kid, whatever. We have them for each kid out here. I guess we're just super tacky in California.

This. Who cares?!

MrsSinner402

pnwlover12 said:

TheOtherJacobsons said:

MrsSinner402 said:

Nicb13 said:

MrsSinner402 said:

TheOtherJacobsons said:

My SIL did a diaper raffle with no gifts. I didn't realize that 2nd showers were taboo until TB.

Same here. But I've concluded we're pretty tacky here in Northern Michigan. As a matter of fact, I'm having two showers. One is being thrown by my mom and the other by my MIL. Tacky central up in here. I guess we're a different breed in the northern midwest.

But this is your first child right? It's all good then! You could have 8 showers, as long as all the same peeps aren't invited to each of the showers.

Sorry, I know you wanted SOOOO badly to be tacky but you just aren't

But I thought having your mom and/or MIL throw it was tacky?! If not, then yay I'm so classy!

Who the heck else is supposed to throw it for you then? I don't get it. Have a shower, don't have a shower, have a shower for your 2nd kid, whatever. We have them for each kid out here. I guess we're just super tacky in California.

This. Who cares?!

Oh I swore I read somewhere on here that having the moms throw the shower was taboo. Maybe I'm mistaken! I definitely would NOT throw my own shower, or request one for a second child. Here we call them sprinkles.

ETA words

TheOtherJacobsons

I am more put off by the fact that showers suck. I don't want to go to them regardless of whether it is a 1st or 2nd one. Calling it a sprinkle is still a shower. I went to a sprinkle and we brought gifts. I didn't see the difference between that and a regular shower. They fed us dinner, I left before any games occurred, so I am not sure if they had those. The SILs 2ns shower specifically said no gifts, but she did a diaper raffle and there was also a money raffle for the kid's college fund. In any case, I don't think anyone will think you are tacky. Unless of course you ask people here...

Though, to answer your original question, since I never did that, if you don't want to have one, the best thing is to be straight up and say, thank you but no thank you. Sounds like she will just do it anyway. 

pnwlover12

TheOtherJacobsons said:

I am more put off by the fact that showers suck. I don't want to go to them regardless of whether it is a 1st or 2nd one. Calling it a sprinkle is still a shower. I went to a sprinkle and we brought gifts. I didn't see the difference between that and a regular shower. They fed us dinner, I left before any games occurred, so I am not sure if they had those. The SILs 2ns shower specifically said no gifts, but she did a diaper raffle and there was also a money raffle for the kid's college fund. In any case, I don't think anyone will think you are tacky. Unless of course you ask people here...

Though, to answer your original question, since I never did that, if you don't want to have one, the best thing is to be straight up and say, thank you but no thank you. Sounds like she will just do it anyway. 

It should probably be my UO this week, but I really don't understand all the anger that surrounds second showers. If someone has one and you are put off by it, don't go. It's as easy as that. I guess I just have too many other things to worry about to let someone having a baby shower burn my ass.

TheOtherJacobsons

pnwlover12 said:

TheOtherJacobsons said:

I am more put off by the fact that showers suck. I don't want to go to them regardless of whether it is a 1st or 2nd one. Calling it a sprinkle is still a shower. I went to a sprinkle and we brought gifts. I didn't see the difference between that and a regular shower. They fed us dinner, I left before any games occurred, so I am not sure if they had those. The SILs 2ns shower specifically said no gifts, but she did a diaper raffle and there was also a money raffle for the kid's college fund. In any case, I don't think anyone will think you are tacky. Unless of course you ask people here...

Though, to answer your original question, since I never did that, if you don't want to have one, the best thing is to be straight up and say, thank you but no thank you. Sounds like she will just do it anyway. 

It should probably be my UO this week, but I really don't understand all the anger that surrounds second showers. If someone has one and you are put off by it, don't go. It's as easy as that. I guess I just have too many other things to worry about to let someone having a baby shower burn my ass.

Agreed and all the judgeyness is kind of bumming me out. 

SaphireShimmer

If you absolutely can't get out of it, maybe see if he can steer it to have people getting stuff like diapers and wipes that will get used up and save you money later? Or gift cards for baby food later? Have people think outside the box of normal gifts so its not overloading you with things you already have.