IL alert!!

TurtleMonsters

Anyone else have bad IL relations? We don't speak to them, long story, but Dh's mom is out there with likely psychological issues and hasn't resolved them- I've layperson dx'd her with borderline personality disorder, as no woman can be in her right mind and treat ppl like she does (plus honestly, reading other BPD stories, are like reading a page out of DH's past. FIL/SIL are along for that ride, good catalysts for drama though nicer ppl, and contact DH limitedly despite him reaching out to them more.

I got a hosp. room call...it was MIL (doh) who spoke to me all of 2 minutes to get the details on baby's arrival, then said she "didn't want to tire me out" (uuuummmm OK?), and could she speak to dh. Enter DHs death stare when he found out who it was. They briefly talked, she tried to invite them all over this weekend to our house (she doesn't ask, she just says that is what is happening. Um I'm not entertaining anyone 2 days after I get home from the hosp, even my mom understands that) and DH ended it curtly with a we'll see to avoid further conversation (while ds's and my mom were int the room) and a I- don't - really- like-you type ending. He was pissed, and told me what she said, and we both just left it like that, as talking about it leads to hours of venting and it wasn't the time or place.

I appreciate we don't see them, and how smooth and anxiety free life is that way (I get full blown anxiety attacks over  merely knowing MIL for 10 years with occasional visits) , but I feel so bad for DH. My family is pretty sane and supportive, and at family times like the birth of a child, I know it bothers DH to have his family history. I wished the call was screened so it didn't sully a perfectly wonderful "birth-day" for DH.  I have been tight lipped about the RCS date where I know they may see it (ie blog), IDK why he said anything to FIL/SIL until after birth, just for the mere reason of having the event happen without interruption from them- and them not knowing specifics wouldn't matter until maybe after. Happily that one call was the extent of the drama...counting myself lucky they didnt show up- though they wouldn't have been allowed in. I hope we don't have to add any more drama to the story, but everything with them IS DRAMA (mostly if MIL is there, the other two are pretty normal humans!), and this likely isn't the end of it.

Anyone else have any IL drama regarding LO's births?

Skeemer

It wasn't near the drama you had but it did disappoint DH when he called his bio dad the day DD was born. She was born on 07/03 at 7:45 am. All we've heard is how he can't wait to get the call that I'm in labor & this is the first girl in X amount of years in his family.

DH called FIL around noon on 07/03. He came back in our room looking so upset. FIL lives about an hour away from the hospital & says he's not coming to see her due to July 4th traffic. Um ... Okay.

Instead, he says, he 'll come to our house on Saturday after we get home. He lives about an hour & a half from us. No FIL... We absolutely DO NOT feel like you coming to our house within five minutes of us arriving home.

DH had to call him early Saturday ,& tell him we're not up for company & that we'd call later in the week.

It ticks me off bc it hurt DH. FIL has been retired for years. & seriously had nothing to do other than eat, nap & watch TV. No one else had any trouble in "July 4th traffic".

VTKatie

My MIL is a disaster. We made the hard decision to not fly her down for the birth, it's just too much drama. I'm sorry you're in the same situation. It especially sucks when you can see it hurting the person you love.

livkight

Sorry you have to deal with that!!! I can relate. 

My ILs are also a treat. They live in FL, we're in VA (thankfully). For months we've been planning that they would come to stay in the area (his mom has 3 siblings and her parents still in the general area that they will also visit) for a few days or a week so we could just hang out for a few hours each day. This is their first grandbaby-- we're the first ones married out of our immediate families, as well, and we don't see either of our families much since his are in FL and mine are in MN. 

ANYWAY-- MIL called the other day saying that they're actually going to be really busy and will only be able to "fit in" a couple hours of visiting on just one day. They have "too much to do" and "too many people to visit" up here, so they'll fit us in for a couple hours on August 4th. 

1. Baby might not even be here by the 4th. They want to know an "exact" day that they should come-- but that depends entirely on when she is born! 2. They're making a trip up JUST to see the baby-- so I'm not sure how that got de-prioritized. 3. I sure as heck don't care how long they stay, but DH is really sad that his family doesn't seem to be interested in meeting their grand-daughter. 4. This is the only time they'll see her before Christmas (even then, as long as we can make holiday plans work out), so it's their loss. 

ILs are difficult.

Skeemer

livkight said:

1. Baby might not even be here by the 4th. They want to know an "exact" day that they should come-- but that depends entirely on when she is born! 2. They're making a trip up JUST to see the baby-- so I'm not sure how that got de-prioritized. 3. I sure as heck don't care how long they stay, but DH is really sad that his family doesn't seem to be interested in meeting their grand-daughter. 4. This is the only time they'll see her before Christmas (even then, as long as we can make holiday plans work out), so it's their loss. 

ILs are difficult.

How exactly are you supposed to pinpoint when your baby arrives? Unless you have a scheduled CS or something but geez. Doesn't this woman ever remember being pregnant?

livkight

@skeemer -- the really twisted thing is that I think she's pissed that she's no longer in her child-bearing years and has been taking it out on us. It's this weird jealousy thing where she has to undermine or discount everything we're experiencing for the first time just because she's sad she won't have more babies. (FTR, she had 5 of her own. But they were all boys and I think she got used to being treated like a "princess." So now that I married her oldest son and we're having a daughter... she's really losing it.)

aimeepigott

Sounds like my in laws. The fortunate thing is we have been thru this when DS1 was born. MIL didn't come to see him till he was 4 weeks old and she lives in our town! She only sees him on holidays which is fine. She has made many comments to me and to DH about me. DH hates how shitty his fam is but my fam is amazing and makes up for it. Normally it's better of we don't hear from any of the IL's simply because they normally ask for $$. Which idk if they think we shit it out or what but we really don't have it to spare with 2 kids! Just don't feed into their drama! It's what they want and honestly you have more important things to focus on. When DH gets down about it just remind him the most important things are living in your household! Everyone else is secondary!

Skeemer

livkight said:

@skeemer -- the really twisted thing is that I think she's pissed that she's no longer in her child-bearing years and has been taking it out on us. It's this weird jealousy thing where she has to undermine or discount everything we're experiencing for the first time just because she's sad she won't have more babies. (FTR, she had 5 of her own. But they were all boys and I think she got used to being treated like a "princess." So now that I married her oldest son and we're having a daughter... she's really losing it.)

Believe it or not my paternal grandmother has always been weird about me because I'm the only granddaughter in the middle of 5 grandsons. My grandmother had each a boy (my dad) &  girl (when my dad was a teen). So she basically has been so bent up on "having the only precious girl" in the family that when I came along...I don't know what her issue is...jealousy or what but she's never really liked me. You'd think I'd be rotten to be the only girl in a sea of grandsons but it's the exact opposite. She's always been very critical of me & in general just not a nice person. It's sad. I wish we had a better relationship but it's the way she treats me that keeps it from happening. It's happened all my life & now as an adult I'm just used to it.

bunkgirl

My ILs are selfish and ridiculously jealous of my parents. DH has a better relationship with my parents and that drives the ILs nuts so they are always trying to "compete" with my parents which is silly and the whole situation is just sad. Can't wait for next week when IL's AND my parents will be here...I will probably have plenty of stories, stay tuned.

BBColt78

Totally thought us Illinoisians had something bad going on!!

Sorry about your PITA MIL!

Caitlin1216

BBColt78 said:

Totally thought us Illinoisians had something bad going on!!

Totally this! But once again, IL has no love

livkight

That's so crazy, @skeemer ! That must really stink. I don't understand why people are that way-- so much selfishness in a situation that should be happy and full of family support (marriage, baby, etc). Ugh. So sorry you have to live with that stress-- even if you are used to it by now, I am sure it still hurts to not really be accepted or have a close relationship with her. To be unloved can be quite a burden to bear.  

Rawa1416

ILs got here the day we were discharged from the hospital. Overall, they have been helpful, especially MIL. She has been cleaning, doing laundry, grocery shopping, and making meals. While I really appreciate the help, it's been overwhelming having people constantly at the house especially when I'm so exhausted. I don't know what to do but I'm afraid I'm going to lose it soon if I don't do something.

Skeemer

livkight said:

That's so crazy, @skeemer ! That must really stink. I don't understand why people are that way-- so much selfishness in a situation that should be happy and full of family support (marriage, baby, etc). Ugh. So sorry you have to live with that stress-- even if you are used to it by now, I am sure it still hurts to not really be accepted or have a close relationship with her. To be unloved can be quite a burden to bear.  

***Loss lightly mentioned***

Thanks @Livkight . It does suck at times because I know that I would have really enjoyed her company & she would have enjoyed mine through the years. Instead I avoid her now especially with sensitive subjects. I didn't even go to her house at Christmas because I didn't want to hear about how I shouldn't be pregnant so soon after a loss (despite my doctor saying it was fine). She's just so danged critical.

SuperTinkerham

I'm the spouse with the shitty family. Trust me it sucks. Mister even told me "please don't turn into your mother" this past weekend.

Nichole8787

My in laws are insane. They are currently not speaking to us due to a miscommunication on father's day. Mil made plans with dh to schedule golfing and a bbq for father's day. Mil was to make the golf reservation dh was to plan the bbq. Father's day morning comesand dh starts calling fil tho go golfing. He calls him about ten times between 8am and 1pm. Finally mil calls him screaMing at him that he didn't make plans for filfor father's day....what? So dh attempted to still invite them over for the bbq. Mil just screamed nonsense. Do my husband politely told her he didn't have time for it and hung up. We haven't spoken since. I've tried sending her pictures of the nursery, ultra sound pics etc. Nothing. No response. It should be really fun and not awkward at all when the baby is born 

Skeemer

SuperTinkerham said:

I'm the spouse with the shitty family. Trust me it sucks. Mister even told me "please don't turn into your mother" this past weekend.

I'm sure. I feel so bad for my DH. My parents are so good to him & treat him like a son. When his parents do weird crap I know it hurts & disappoints him. On one hand he's grateful to have my family. On the other...it hurts because his family does what they do.

Skeemer

Nichole8787 said:

My in laws are insane. They are currently not speaking to us due to a miscommunication on father's day. Mil made plans with dh to schedule golfing and a bbq for father's day. Mil was to make the golf reservation dh was to plan the bbq. Father's day morning comesand dh starts calling fil tho go golfing. He calls him about ten times between 8am and 1pm. Finally mil calls him screaMing at him that he didn't make plans for filfor father's day....what? So dh attempted to still invite them over for the bbq. Mil just screamed nonsense. Do my husband politely told her he didn't have time for it and hung up. We haven't spoken since. I've tried sending her pictures of the nursery, ultra sound pics etc. Nothing. No response. It should be really fun and not awkward at all when the baby is born 

Nothing like screaming & yelling to inspire your son to make FD plans. *sigh* Bless his heart. She sounds nutso.

Huahine

rachahall1 said:

ILs got here the day we were discharged from the hospital. Overall, they have been helpful, especially MIL. She has been cleaning, doing laundry, grocery shopping, and making meals. While I really appreciate the help, it's been overwhelming having people constantly at the house especially when I'm so exhausted. I don't know what to do but I'm afraid I'm going to lose it soon if I don't do something.

My mom was with us for two weeks after my first was born - in a 2 bedroom apartment.  It was great to have the extra help and I appreciated her been-there-done-that attitude, but it was overwhelming having us all in that small space together.  A few days after I came home from the hospital my MIL came up and took my mom away for the day.  It was such a relief to have the place to ourselves for a few hours. Is there somewhere touristy nearby that you could suggest they could go to?  Or some errands they could go out and do for you? 

Hoshikitsune

My inlaws have not spoken to us since before our wedding.  Before that they had not spoken to us for over a year because they think I am a gold digging whore.  Don't ask why they think that...even my husband has no idea why.  My  husband refused to speak to them until they apologized to calling me as such and I really didn't care if I get an apology or not.  Let bygones be bygones, we are were getting married.

I reached out to them before the wedding since my husband is their only child and it wasn't right to exclude them as they should see their only child get married.  We had a dialogue going and they were insisting that my husband speak to them (fiance at the time) and he refused until they apologized.  They then accused me of keeping him from speaking to them and all manner of things.  I showed my husband all communications between his parents and me and then his parents took it to email and emailed him.  He showed me all communications.  They apparently thought we didn't communicate those things openly (finances are different matter).  I responded to his mother very cordially regarding one of her letters in which she went after my parents for not being my biological parents and how my husband's children would never know his biological grandparents on that side and pretty much lambasted my parents for opening their hearts and homes to child that wasn't biologically related.  At that point, I rescinded the invitation to the wedding until they apologized to my parents.  I still didn't care whether or not I got an apology.  You can't go after my parents and not expect me to pull out my claws.  Husband agreed with my decision and to this day we aren't even sure if they know that we are expecting.  They won't speak with us and I am letting my husband take the lead in communication.  I have enough to deal with being pregnant.

So for those having inlaw problems.  I feel for you and hope it gets better.

bullybutt

Damn, I am grateful that ex's mom has never once contacted me during this pregnancy.  I'm fine with my family hoarding most of DSs time and probably the baby's.  It will be awkward once #2 is born, but it's short-lived.   

tarynkim

I feel for all of you guys as my in laws are also bat shit crazy! Like some of you have said, the worst part is seeing how it hurts DH. My in laws are currently not speaking to us because DH asked if they would mind calling or texting before stopping by. We recently moved into a new house and that's just what we feel comfortable with.

This request has caused a huge blow up between them in which the birth of the baby has become the focus #-o We're having a home birth and the plan has always been to let them know after the baby is born. Unfortunately this evidently means we have no love for them etc etc....they are so crazy. The issue revolves around the fact that DH and I are very close to my family.

I think DH is finally starting to realize that just because people are family, it is not required of us to allow their toxicity in our life....thank god #:-S

livkight

tarynkim said:

I feel for all of you guys as my in laws are also bat shit crazy! Like some of you have said, the worst part is seeing how it hurts DH. My in laws are currently not speaking to us because DH asked if they would mind calling or texting before stopping by. We recently moved into a new house and that's just what we feel comfortable with. This request has caused a huge blow up between them in which the birth of the baby has become the focus #-o We're having a home birth and the plan has always been to let them know after the baby is born. Unfortunately this evidently means we have no love for them etc etc....they are so crazy. The issue revolves around the fact that DH and I are very close to my family. I think DH is finally starting to realize that just because people are family, it is not required of us to allow their toxicity in our life....thank god #:-S

Gah. This sounds exactly like our ILs. There's no way to win with them, things just get misconstrued and they insist on making everything about them and their feelings. We've also had to set some very straightforward boundaries just because their reasoning sometimes is so bizarre and nonsensical. I'm sorry you have to live with that too. Try not to let them get to you as you prepare for your birth! That experience is all about you, your DH and your baby. NOT them.

cocogirl8907

This is my step mother in law to a T. Except they haven't spoken to us since about the first trimester when we didn't call to check in on my FIL after he had an in office knee procedure done because I had food poisoning and I'm the one that normally remembers dates for husband and I was a bit out of it... And the only time she calls is to scream at DH and tell him what awful people are and how I stole him from his family... Even though everytime we attempt to invite them to something they ignore us. But we regularly see his mother and sisters thank goodness they are wonderful! And my parents treat him like a son as well.

mrscutforth

I'm glad I'm not the only one. My parents are the worst inlaws ever to my husband.
My stepmother is a bitch and she walks my dad around by his balls. My dad has no back bone and just lets her do these things to me. The issue now is what happened at my baby shower in may. Where people who were invited had the invites for a month, as we had the shower while all kinds of graduations from HS and college were going on and I was giving guests a head start to try to attend. Well my stepmom got all up in arms about how they (dad and my brothers) weren't invited to the shower as it was a girl thing. She came in to my shower with a bad attitude and wanted to fight with me about it then and there. She made a smart ass comment which I still haven't decoded of 'well your father isn't here and it's not because he doesn't love you'. I stated my thoughts, that on the invites it said families were welcome and that my dad had attended both of my showers for DS. She came back with 'you aren't going to push this on us' and I told her that time was not the place to be having the convo. I got up went about my guests and then she sat there in the corner the whole 3 fucking hours talking shit to a friend's mom I had known since I was in elementary school.
All this leads me to a couple weeks ago. When stepmom is trying to get a hold of me to find out when RCS is and when they can come down. I didn't answer all day because I didn't want to talk. She said some hurtful things in text message. And that they want to sit down and talk. I've tried have bumerous sit downs and it always ends up the same. And the whole problem that I have with this situation, is that if my dad was so god damned butt hurt over the baby shower, shouldn't he be trying to call and find out any info?! The answer is is a big fat fucking no he is not trying.
They even fucked up when DS was born. Apparently they don't know what emergency c/s is and I still to this day don't believe that they believe what happened the day DS was born and it's been almost 2 years that I have yet to recieve an apology.
They have messed up my wedding and both my kids' births. And they haven't taken a clue as to why I don't want to share any info with them.
Ugh!!!
I'm sorry for that.

TurtleMonsters

ours are too into our business, then judge, and somehow MIL ends up the victim, she cries, verbally abuses, then gets offended when we leave-plays victim more, THEN will call/talk to dh like nothing happened. It's very trippy. I almost wish they be uninvolved or something "normal" because its like a total mind fuck visiting with them, I just can't figure it out!

We've tried getting around it by inviting them to our house (over being comfortable to fight at theirs), meeting in public places, just communicating over email, only having FIL over (he's pretty sane-meek even- yet if you ask MIL, he's verbally abusive and a horrible husband)...nothing works.

PS it took a while to post this...meanwhile the drama has exploded.  happily,DH and  I can ignore it and cuddle our boy and new little squish;) - let them live their sad assistance .