MIL shower question

tacosandtums

My mom announced early on she wanted to give me a baby shower. When I was talking to MIL about it she said "don't worry about inviting us [us meaning her and SIL and DHs grandma], I want to have a separate shower here for our family." My mom was a little hurt because she wanted to throw a big shower with both families, but she is getting used to that kind of treatment by MIL (ex: MIL doesn't really seem like my mom for some reason- stopped inviting her to their annual Christmas party last year, etc... It's weird, and it's a long story). 

Bottom line: Can I bring my mom with me to the shower at MILs? My best friend moved out of state and I kind of just don't want to show up to this shower alone. Is that weird? It's going to be all DH's extended family and I'm not really close to anyone there, including MIL and SIL. My mom and I are super close and I want to have her there, but I can't tell if that would be weird since my mom isn't invited. 

Edit: hit post too soon

tacosandtums

I understand that. MIL asked me if there was anyone I would like to invite and I told her no, I was having all my friends come to the shower at my mom's. I feel like it's my mom so it's not like I'm bringing a random guest...? It's both of their first grandchild

redhead610

I don't think it is appropriate to bring extra guests.
If you really don't want to go to the shower you can always decline it. I don't think that would be in the best interests of your relationship with MIL though. Perhaps talk to her again about coming to the one your mom is throwing.

tacosandtums

My mom's is this weekend. MIL like flat out expressed to me that she did not want to be part of it and then didn't call my mom back early on in the planning when my mom tried to reach out to her directly. 

It just sucks because I wish our families got along and we could have one big shower together but that doesn't seem possible.

tacosandtums

I guess I am just being a huge baby by dreading the shower and I want my mom with me. I'll be going by myself.

It's too late to decline since she already sent out invitations. I really thought she would send one to my mom just to be tactful, she was invited to my bridal shower back in the day but I guess things have changed (although who knows what, she's crazy).

Thanks for your help.

SingleMom31

I agree that it would have been nice for your MIL to extend the proverbial olive branch, but for whatever reason, she didn't.  My own mother is semi-crazy like that, and I could see her doing something similar (and she would definitely be the one to bad mouth you bringing her along for years to come).  I know that it's not the most comfortable situation, but I agree with PP that you need to go on your own.  Otherwise, what if DH came with you, especially since it's his family?

VOR

My input - separate the "one big shower" from the issues w/ your MIL.  Even people who have families who get along still opt for 2 showers.  Often - for the GUESTS it's more enjoyable (i.e. shorter).  When I go to a shower, I tend to hang out and talk to the people that I know.  I'm not going to mingle w/ a bunch of people who I probably won't see again.  As such, I don't really need to sit through an even longer gift opening just so that EVERYONE can be there at one time.  This, as a guest, so doesn't matter to me. 

Your MIL isnt' "treating" your mom in the wrong on this specific issue. 

mermaid1113

I would just grin and bear it. . . it may be a good opportunity for you to connect more with your DH side of the family. 

With that being said, it seems like there is a bigger issue than just the separation of showers. I hope that one day whatever issues there are between mom and MIL can be resolved enough for you to enjoy both of them at the same time.

VOR

Oh- to add.... be "prepared".  Whatever your MILs issues are, the place where you can put your foot down will be over issues like if your MIL wants to have a separate b-day party for your child.  That's where I'd be firm and say "no".  This could happen earlier- around the holidays.  Who knows.  But if your MIL starts to go down the  path of "we want to see the baby and celebrate his/her first ___" but wants it separate from your family - put a stop to it.

And then, I think your DH needs to talk to his mom and try to get to the root of the problem.  AND make it clear that whatever the issue is, she needs to find a way to deal with it because there won't be 2 separate events for your child just because she doesn't want to be around your mom.

tacosandtums

Thanks for the support @MrsDoff. 

@VOR Totally get what you're saying. I agree that having fewer guests at the shower is more convenient for the guests. The part that "bothers" me I guess is that my grandma and DH's grandma got along great when they met and it would be nice to have the two families come together- both Great-Grandmas in one room, kinda thing. They live far away from each other and never see each other. I'm having the first grandchild on both sides and my mom and I were both thinking it would be great if we didn't have to do everything separately. I do get what you're saying about it being too many people, though.

Also @VOR I agree about in the future putting my foot down with her. DH and I have talked about this extensively. We are moving into a larger home with space for entertaining and plan to host BOTH our families for holidays and cookouts and things, with hopes that the baby will help the families come together a bit. 

VOR

RC1014 said:

 We are moving into a larger home with space for entertaining and plan to host BOTH our families for holidays and cookouts and things, with hopes that the baby will help the families come together a bit. 

Partially from  my own lessons learned, be VERY careful about your expectations here.  Reality is - you & DH chose to get married, you & DH chose to have a baby.  Your respective families are brought together only because of this.  This wasn't a choice any of them made. 

Now, if they get along and want to see each other - awesome!  But that still doesn't mean they'll "come together", so to speak.  Your families may never be anything more than "my sons ILs" and vice versa to the other family. 

YOU having a child isn't going to magically make people like each other, want to see each other, etc.  And this goes towards you and your baby too.  For example, if you've never been particularily close to Family Member X, they aren't going to suddenly be all "OMG!!!!  You have a baby!  I now want to be super involved in your baby's life". 

I'm just putting that out there so that you don't end up disappointed.  Especially for the fact that your MIL clearly seems to have an issue w/ your mom.  I think the chances of this "coming together" are going to be even more slim.

neverblushed

I think it's perfectly acceptable to have your DH drop you off at the shower, make himself scarce for a few hours, then come back a bit before the shower is over to help load up the gifts.  

Also, I agree that this may not be a snub to your mom.  Your MIL may have a ton of friends she wants to invite, and she may have felt that working with your mom would have limited her in that area.  Some women feel that they've attended SO many of their friends' adult children's showers that they're itching to finally have their day in the spotlight as "grandma to be" when their turn rolls around.  MIL may have wanted the freedom to invite everyone she knows who has ever invited her to a life event celebration for their kid.  She may have sensed that combining with your mom would have put her in a subordinate position to the mother of the MTB.

Don't read too much into your MILs actions.  If she's not openly hostile to your mom, but she just likes to have things her own way, I'd put that in the "win" column.  

Disneygeek77

I guess I don't see what the big deal is.  When my son has a baby, I will probably want to throw my own shower too.  

I also have to agree with others.  Don't force a relationship here. It will only lead to anger and resentment.   My sister has been doing it for a while now, forcing a relationship with her ILs and want them invited to everything.  It got old and sometimes I just want to celebrate with my own family and that is exactly what I have been doing.  

Like PPs have said, adjust your expectations here.  Birthdays shouldn't be a problem, but don't get your hopes up for the holidays.  You can invite both families all you want to, but don't be surprised if they decline your invitation and do their own thing.  

VOR

Disneygeek77 said:

Birthdays shouldn't be a problem, but don't get your hopes up for the holidays.  You can invite both families all you want to, but don't be surprised if they decline your invitation and do their own thing.  

I didn't really think about this before, but I would assume that everyone has their holiday traditions.  And also OTHER family to see at the holidays too.  Do you or your DH have married siblings?  If so, then they have their own ILs to see too. 

Your heart is in the right place.  But you just can't dictate what other people do or how close they become. 

tacosandtums

Aghhh you guys are bursting my bubble! Haha. I really, really do need to lower my expectations. It's hard being emotional and pregnant and wanting everything to be a certain way. I've never done this before, clearly. I guess I'm of the mindset "can't we all just get along?" and do fun family things together, because that's how it always was while I was growing up. We always did BIG family parties with all my relatives, but I guess I was the minority with that.

@Disneygeek77 Good call on not trying to force a relationship. I guess that is what I am doing.  

Disneygeek77

Thanks @VOR, exactly.  This actually caused issues with my sister because I was like " Dear Lord, can't we just have one holiday that is just us."   I mean I understand it is easier for my sister if both sides are in the same place, but my goodness, it is my holiday too and while her ILs are nice people ( except his sister, she is toxic and hateful)  that isn't how I want to spend my holiday.  

Interestingly enough, this issue came up again for, you guessed it, another sister's baby shower.  

I guess I also don't understand why we have to see her ILs so much.  Growing up, I never met my parent's IL's families, so I don't know why they are making this such a big deal.  For goodness sake, I am one of 7, it simply isn't possible to have everyone ILs involved and invited to everything.  

Ok, off my soapbox,end of rant.  Bottom line, don't force a relationship because trust me, it won't work.  

Disneygeek77

RC1014 said:

Aghhh you guys are bursting my bubble! Haha. I really, really do need to lower my expectations. It's hard being emotional and pregnant and wanting everything to be a certain way. I've never done this before, clearly. I guess I'm of the mindset "can't we all just get along?" and do fun family things together, because that's how it always was while I was growing up. We always did BIG family parties with all my relatives, but I guess I was the minority with that.

@Disneygeek77 Good call on not trying to force a relationship. I guess that is what I am doing.  

Well remember, it is their holiday too and maybe MIL, FIL and his siblings simply don't want to spend Thanksgiving/ Christmas / Easter with your family.  Doesn't mean they don't like them, it just means they would rather do something else.  

tacosandtums

@Disneygeek77 ok I know this post is almost beaten to death, but I just wanted to point out I think there is a difference between our families spending holidays together and coming together for a baby shower. 

Disneygeek77

True, and I know in some families it is done this way.  However, just because your MIL wants to do something different, that is ok too.  It is just different.  Not bad or weird or wrong, just different.  I know it isn't how things might be done in your family, but maybe this is how they are in his.  Again, that only makes his family different.  That is all.  

In addition, you aren't a mind reader so stop trying to read her intentions.  For all you know, she likes throwing baby showers  and would have done her own thing no matter who her son married.  Your mom might not have had anything to do with it.  She just wanted to do her own thing.  My mom is the same way.  She genuinely enjoys throwing baby showers and I know her feelings would be hurt if her DIL said " Nope, sorry, my mom is the only one that can throw a baby shower; but you can help her."  No, my mom doesn't want to help her, she wants to throw her own.  She has her own ideas, tastes and budget and trying to help plan or cohost a shower with someone you don't know all that well can be awkward and uncomfortable.  

neverblushed

I'm going to jump back in on the "don't try to force the relationship" thing as well.  I'm coming up on 17 happy years of marriage, and if I was asked to give a newlywed marital advice, "don't force things" would be among my top pearls of wisdom.

We have done Thanksgiving at our house with both sides invited.  But even though everyone gets along, it's just a drag.  His parents have their way of doing things, and my parents have their way.  It's one thing to ask them to come together around a new tradition of a mutual grandchild's birthday, but it's hard to ask an older couple with an established family to give up their holiday traditions and mix and mingle with your ILs.

My DH is one of 5 kids, and I have one SIL who cannot understand why we have to split holidays between my family and hers.  This is especially galling to her at Christmas because she luuurrrves that holiday so much.  She has actually suggested that my parents celebrate Christmas at her parents' house, since "they don't really do much at Christmas anyway," which is insulting and ridiculous.  My parents have their own traditions at Christmas; they just don't include a big party like my H's family has.  Like a PP said, if all 5 siblings with spouses and children AND ILs and siblings of those ILs got together, it's way too many people for any of them to feel comfortable.

OP -- don't hesitate to have both families over for a backyard BBQ from time to time, but be gentle with them as they transition from being the parents of the youngest generation in the family to moving to the role of grandparents.  

SingleMom31

I agree with this. I come from a fairly blended family, and our last holiday at home included: my dad, my stepmom, me/DH/DD, my step brother/his wife/their kids, and the step brother's wife's parents. All around, it was awkward and there ended up being some drama bc of a comment that DH made to the wife's mom (we're fairly liberal and DH tends to be fairly sarcastic, which fits in with my family, and the wife's parents are very conservative). I kind of wanted it to just be MY family instead of forcing small talk with people that were very nice, but that we wouldn't socialize with otherwise.

526SadieSadie

RC1014 said:

I understand that. MIL asked me if there was anyone I would like to invite and I told her no, I was having all my friends come to the shower at my mom's. I feel like it's my mom so it's not like I'm bringing a random guest...? It's both of their first grandchild

Since she asked already, go to MIL and say "on second thought, I'd like my mom to be at the shower."  You really can't bring anyone who isn't expressly invited.

landriesmommy1108

I am dealing with the same thing!
My MIL and my mom were friends before I started dating my husband and all of a sudden when I started dating him my MIL cut all ties and wanted nothing to do with my mom. My bridal shower was going to be all of our families together and my MIL threw a temper tantrum and refused to come. When talk of a babyshower came up I wanted one shower (I am high risk and it would have been easier for me to do). My MIL again threw a huge tantrum and sent out invites to a shower after I had already declined a shower from her. Now I'm stuck going to a shower with people I've met maybe once the entire time I've been with my husband. And majority don't like me to start with. My solution? I'm bringing my husband with me to help open gifts and make me a little more comfortable with the whole thing:)

VOR

landriesmommy1108 said:

My MIL again threw a huge tantrum and sent out invites to a shower after I had already declined a shower from her. Now I'm stuck going to a shower with people I've met maybe once the entire time I've been with my husband. And majority don't like me to start with. My solution? I'm bringing my husband with me to help open gifts and make me a little more comfortable with the whole thing:)

My reaction to this is to not go.  She planned a party w/o consulting you? Oh well, too bad.  That's on her.

Now- if you really don't want to draw that line right now, so be it.  BUT for the fact that she did this - this will NOT be the last time.  So I suggest that you and your DH gear up and come up w/ a game plan the next time she throws a temper tantrum.

What's going to happen w/ your child's first birthday?  Or heck, even Christmas, or... ANY special event?  If your MIL did this now w/ the shower, she will most likely pull something like this again.  Giving in and going is only going to teach her that her temper tantrums work and that she'll get her way.

landriesmommy1108

VOR said:

landriesmommy1108 said:

My MIL again threw a huge tantrum and sent out invites to a shower after I had already declined a shower from her. Now I'm stuck going to a shower with people I've met maybe once the entire time I've been with my husband. And majority don't like me to start with. My solution? I'm bringing my husband with me to help open gifts and make me a little more comfortable with the whole thing:)

My reaction to this is to not go.  She planned a party w/o consulting you? Oh well, too bad.  That's on her.

Now- if you really don't want to draw that line right now, so be it.  BUT for the fact that she did this - this will NOT be the last time.  So I suggest that you and your DH gear up and come up w/ a game plan the next time she throws a temper tantrum.

What's going to happen w/ your child's first birthday?  Or heck, even Christmas, or... ANY special event?  If your MIL did this now w/ the shower, she will most likely pull something like this again.  Giving in and going is only going to teach her that her temper tantrums work and that she'll get her way.




I definitely agree with you... It's my DH that wants me to just go and bite the bullet. I tried to explain to him that if we don't draw a line with her she will never learn. But just like everyone else in his family he's scared of what will happen if his mom doesn't get her way... Stupid right? I'm the only one who doesn't care what happens lol.

ArgyleBride

landriesmommy1108 said:

VOR said:

landriesmommy1108 said:

My MIL again threw a huge tantrum and sent out invites to a shower after I had already declined a shower from her. Now I'm stuck going to a shower with people I've met maybe once the entire time I've been with my husband. And majority don't like me to start with. My solution? I'm bringing my husband with me to help open gifts and make me a little more comfortable with the whole thing:)

My reaction to this is to not go.  She planned a party w/o consulting you? Oh well, too bad.  That's on her.

Now- if you really don't want to draw that line right now, so be it.  BUT for the fact that she did this - this will NOT be the last time.  So I suggest that you and your DH gear up and come up w/ a game plan the next time she throws a temper tantrum.

What's going to happen w/ your child's first birthday?  Or heck, even Christmas, or... ANY special event?  If your MIL did this now w/ the shower, she will most likely pull something like this again.  Giving in and going is only going to teach her that her temper tantrums work and that she'll get her way.

I definitely agree with you... It's my DH that wants me to just go and bite the bullet. I tried to explain to him that if we don't draw a line with her she will never learn. But just like everyone else in his family he's scared of what will happen if his mom doesn't get her way... Stupid right? I'm the only one who doesn't care what happens lol.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Do not be bullied, not by MIL and not by "D"H on her behalf.

We are going to role play. You get to choose: be either an old matriarch in the Victorian age, or the rock of Gibraltar. Whichever catches your fancy. Neither would budge, so it's all trimmings from there.

lexusolsen

ArgyleBride said:

landriesmommy1108 said:

VOR said:

landriesmommy1108 said:

My MIL again threw a huge tantrum and sent out invites to a shower after I had already declined a shower from her. Now I'm stuck going to a shower with people I've met maybe once the entire time I've been with my husband. And majority don't like me to start with. My solution? I'm bringing my husband with me to help open gifts and make me a little more comfortable with the whole thing:)

My reaction to this is to not go.  She planned a party w/o consulting you? Oh well, too bad.  That's on her.

Now- if you really don't want to draw that line right now, so be it.  BUT for the fact that she did this - this will NOT be the last time.  So I suggest that you and your DH gear up and come up w/ a game plan the next time she throws a temper tantrum.

What's going to happen w/ your child's first birthday?  Or heck, even Christmas, or... ANY special event?  If your MIL did this now w/ the shower, she will most likely pull something like this again.  Giving in and going is only going to teach her that her temper tantrums work and that she'll get her way.

I definitely agree with you... It's my DH that wants me to just go and bite the bullet. I tried to explain to him that if we don't draw a line with her she will never learn. But just like everyone else in his family he's scared of what will happen if his mom doesn't get her way... Stupid right? I'm the only one who doesn't care what happens lol.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Do not be bullied, not by MIL and not by "D"H on her behalf.

We are going to role play. You get to choose: be either an old matriarch in the Victorian age, or the rock of Gibraltar. Whichever catches your fancy. Neither would budge, so it's all trimmings from there.





If dh cares so much about going then he can go. Tell him you already have plans.