New Here! Tons of Questions!

kelhenry85

Hello!  My name is Kel.  I live in South Carolina with my partner, Erin.

I'm sure this has happened before, but I've been looking all over for suggestions, and I can't seem to find anything!  So I thought I would ask.

About this time last year, a friend of mine found out she was pregnant and she asked Erin and I to be the Godparents.  We, of course, said yes.  Well, jump forward again and that same friend has found out she's pregnant again. However, she is already working two jobs to make ends meet, the father of her current child isn't helping out much, and she doesn't think she can give this new baby the chance she/he deserves.  The father of the second baby says that he's okay with placing the baby up for adoption, and she's asked us to adopt the baby.

Erin and I have always wanted kids, and since we live in SC (which is a non-equality state), TTC is going to be insanely expensive (not that adoption is cheap, but TTC could potentially be even more so.).  We are really terrified, but I'm sure that's completely normal, and we're in the processes of talking about it all.  Our friend told us that she wants us to adopt because she trusts us and knows that we'll love this baby like she loves this baby and give it it's best chance at a life, but she also understands if we decide to say no.

So my questions are numerous, and I can't seem to find any information to help me out...

Since this is a special case, what would the costs of the adoption look like?  I know we'd have to do a home study, which I can't find anything about how much THOSE cost (minus the anywhere from $800 to $5,000+).  But then what?  Is it just the lawyer fees?  

And then I know it takes awhile to finalize all this, so then what?  Do I get a POA or guardianship of the baby while we're going through all the adoption steps?  Is it really this complicated, or is there an easier way to make this happen?  

My biggest concern is money.  I teach high school and my partner is a behavioral analyst.  We don't have a lot of extra money just lying around that we can use, and we don't have a huge savings right now to help cover the costs of the adoption.  I mean, we aren't struggling by any stretch of the imagination, we just don't have a lot of leftover extra cash.  Are there loans for this sort of thing?  Is that going to hurt us with a home study?

Help!  

WannaBmomma

I recommend looking at the child protective services website for your state for adoption guidelines. Here in KY our private adoption is going to cost around 5 grand. This is including 1500 for the home study. Income in ky is based on 250% about poverty. I am a teacher in KY and my hubby is disabled. We make around 4 grand a month and are well above the min. Income for our state.

CaptainSerious

Hello, and welcome.

You are correct, in a private adoption like you are discussing, your fees will be mostly surrounding the homestudy and legal process.  You may also pay some birthmother expenses if your agreement includes that, and typically, the adoptive parents pay for the birth family's legal fees as well.  Homestudy fees often include expenses outside the amount you are quoted by an agency, such as the cost of background checks (no, it doesn't matter if you had them already because you are a teacher, you still need to have new ones done for this purpose), getting copies of required documents, medical exams, and other random costs.Unfortunately, no one can give you a reliable estimate, short of telling you what they paid in a similar situation, perhaps in your state, because fees vary widely based on location, complexity, and the agency/lawyers used.  Your best bet to get a handle on cost is really to start calling around.

That being said, it's key to use reputable lawyers, and for you and the birth family to have separate lawyers, to ensure that the adoption is handled ethically and that you each have someone looking out for your best interests.  You'll also want to make sure that the birth parents have access to counseling before the birth and, ideally, at anytime after.  Not only does counseling nurture them during this difficult time, but it helps them be more certain of their decision and can help them after placement.

I usually suggest starting out with an introductory book like Adoption for Dummies or The Complete Idiot's Guide to Adoption (which I used) as a way to get a feel for what's involved with adoption, all the issues that may come into play during the process and while raising your child.  These books will also outline the basic process and give you information on how to choose lawyers you can trust to help you develop ethical agreements and a legal adoption.

There are loans available for adoption, should you need them, but most families seem to save up enough money as they go through the process, through various methods.  That being said, not having a large savings or needing to take out a loan shouldn't hurt you in the homestudy process.  All the agency/social worker wants to do is establish that you have enough income after all your current (and reasonable, unexpected) expenses to provide for the needs of a child.

The process usually goes something like this:

1) homestudy;

2) wait for match (you already have a match, so that's great!);

3) spend the pregnancy getting to know the expectant mother/family and discussing and coming to agreement on things like how open you want the adoption to be, the baby's name, and other relevant issues;

4) the expectant mother decides if she wants you at medical appointments and/or the birth, and how she wants to handle the birth;

5) adoptive parents take custody of the baby, typically anytime from immediately to a few days after birth;

6) adoptive family undergoes a number of legallly required post-placement visits; and

7) adoption finalized in court, typically anywhere from a few months to a year or so after birth.

Some things that could make the adoption take longer or be more complex are if the birth father objects to the adoption or cannot be located to sign away his parental rights or if a member of the birth family is a registered member of a Native American tribe.

maryoosa

Welcome. Everyone here has outlined stuff well for you. Just saying hi as one queer to another.
We had an identified adoption but still decided to use an agency- that didn't need to be done- and without an agency our adoption would have cost about $15,000.00- that would have been our homestudy, postplacement visits,  legal, birth parent legal, and birth parent expenses.

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Dr.Loretta

Ditto all the others, they have covered it beautifully. Welcome to the board, and I hope this works out for all involved

blessed2585

I found this FAQ on adoption for you. I think adoption is great! There are some grants and non-interest loans that help with cost of adoptions https://bit.ly/1oXCIpf - I will keep you in my prayers!

kelhenry85

Thank you all so much for all the wonderful information!!

I contacted a friend of mine who is a social worker and she got me in touch with a couple of lawyers who her coworkers have worked with before on this same type of issue, so we're just waiting now for the next step to happen!

First OBGYN appointment is on the 23rd, and I'm going with my friend to the appointment.  Super excited!

WannaBmomma

Good luck keep us updated