Parenting after a Loss

Need some advice (someone else's loss mentioned)

Danielle0311Danielle0311 member
edited July 2014 in Parenting after a Loss
Hey ladies,

So I am 7 weeks 3 days and have a healthy bean so far with a hb! So over the moon excited for that. I could really use some advice though...
I just found out the girl who sits next to me at work went into premature labor over the weekend at 21 weeks and lost her baby boy. I am so beyond devastated for her. We are friends but not super close but I do text/ call her once in a while. She is taking 6 weeks off before she comes back and my issue is that I will be noticeably pregnant around the time she comes back or a little later. I know how hard it is to have reminders next to you being I lived that nightmare :( do I wait like a month but then give her the heads up before she comes back? I don't plan on telling anyone at all at work until 12 weeks but moreso I'm so worried about hurting her. What would you do? Any advice how to handle this? We literally sit in the same cube so it's gonna be so hard :(

Edit: I meant to post this on pregnant after a loss but feel free so offer advice if you would like :)

Me (30) DH (31) Married 5/13, TTC since 2/13
BFP #1 Blighted Ovum resulting in D&C on 11/1/13
BFP #2 Ectopic Pg, lap surgery on 3/12/14, R tube removed

BFP # 3, EDD 2/21/15 * please be our rainbow*

Re: Need some advice (someone else's loss mentioned)

  • First off, CONGRATULATIONS!!

    Regarding the girl at work...she's going to be upset about the situation either way. It will probably sting when you grow, have a baby shower, post an ultrasound picture and finally give birth but that's nothing against you!! You have to think of yourself, is your life really going to revolve around how someone else might feel that may or may not be your friend? Maybe you should first call/text to express your condolences about her loss without mentioning your own news. If you are not even at 12 weeks maybe you won't show so soon either! If her feelings are a major concern you could say "oh wow I'm pregnant!! This was completely unexpected!!" after she comes back? 
  • Agree with Jenek. I would also add to maybe send her that email BEFORE you tell people at work. Like perhaps just before, so that she doesn't find out from another co-worker or something like that.
    BFP #1, 12/22/09 - DD#1 born 9/2010
    BFP #2, 12/12/11, m/c 12/25/11
    BFP #3, 3/09/12, CP 3/10/12
    BFP #4, 7/22/12, DD#2 born 4/2013

    [Deleted User][Deleted User]tigerlynx31413
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  • @jenek0213‌ nailed it completely. Especially the part about emailing her about your pregnancy. My cousin told me in person (in a public place) that she was expecting a short time after my first loss. I honestly could barely hold it together, to the point where my DH and I had to leave the seating area for awhile. My cousin knew about my loss and wasn't trying to be insensitive, she was just very excited for herself ( as she should have been). Best of luck with your pregnancy!

    BFP #1 4/10/12 D&C 6/5/12@ 12.5wks EDD 12/17/12
    BFP #2 9/10/12 CP 9/19/12@ 5.5wks EDD 5/21/13
    BFP# 3 12/3/12...Lukas James born 8/15/13
    BFP# 4 8/4/14 EDD 4/13/15

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  • rlajamberlajambe member
    edited July 2014
    Right, now just offer your condolences.

    As for the message before she came back, I'm not sure about that one.  Personally, it took all I had to be able to return to work and someone e-mailing me that they were pregnant a few days before would have pulled me right back down into the pit of despair.  

    As someone who had a co-worker announce a pg the day after I returned from my 5-week medical leave after my first loss, I will just say time your announcement           appropriately.  Give her a heads up beforehand, but don't expect a congratulations to be forthcoming,  It's better to hear it from you than to overhear it at the coffee machine.

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    BFP #1 - 01/12/12, EDD 09/12/12, Medical Induction @ 21 weeks 05/03/12
    BFP #2 - 10/30/12, EDD 07/04/13, Natural m/c @ 5 weeks 11/01/12
    BFP #3 - 02/07/13, EDD 10/12/13
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  • Congrats on your BFP!

    I 100% agree with jenek! I have a coworker who has been TTC for a year and had a chemical pregnancy a few weeks before I got my BFP. She knew I was trying and she also knew about my previous loss. When I got my BFP I pulled her aside privately and told her. I told her that I understand if she wasn't excited and needed time to process. I remember almost hating people announcing their pregnancies after my loss and she had every right to be upset, just like I was.

    She told me that it did sting a little but was very happy and excited for me. I never flaunted the ultrasounds around her, like jenek said. But she asked to see them and to feel the baby kick. She was super excited for me throughout my whole pregnancy. You never know how people will react, which is why it is super important to show as much compassion as possible. If she wanted nothing to do with me or my pregnancy, I would have understood.

    And yes, unplanned/ surprise pregnancies are much harder to cope with after loss. Whether or not you were trying, absolutely DO NOT say that! We all have tried sooo hard and gone through so much for these babies and to hear about someone who gets pregnant by accident, burns really bad!

    BFP #1: 3/23/13, EDD: 11/22/13, MC: 4/2/13
    Convinced it was a boy and missing him every day!
    BFP #2: 10/25/13, EDD: 7/3/14, Grow baby Grow! Anabelle Rose born 6/6/14 

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  • Another ditto for @jenek0213.

    For right now, just offer your condolences on her loss. This moment is about her and her son. When her return to work is closer, I would do the email that someone above mentioned. For sure leave off the 'unexpected' part as others mentioned...though I suspect you would anyways being a multiple loss lady.

    BFP#2 2.5.11 (EDD 10.15.11) DS born 9.28.11

    BFP#4 8.27.13 (EDD 5.6.14) DD born 4.23.14


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