Help Mom issues...

JEPES1348

But Nana, it sounds like you, your ILs and your kids all have a very symbiotic relationship. YL's situation is definitely different. You and your ILs both welcome the time away from and with your kids. No one feels entitled, or forced, or manipulated into the times your kids spend with their grandparents.

I don't think YL is selfish or outrageous for being taken aback by her mother's requests. It sounds like it's unwelcome; much different from your situation. 

YellowLily2013

@stringy813‌ She is getting help and on medication. But one of the side effects of the medication is forgetfulness. Awesome. NOT.

I've also been her verbal punching bag my whole life....

Part of our issues are that I'm "sensitive" to how she treats me. And she can't understand my feelings. And gets to the point in pretty much not thinking my feelings are valid.

At the same time I can't say "this bothers me blah blah blah". Without her getting hurt and saying how she's such a horrible mother and I should go find another. (Definitely not productive!)


Another fun was is apparently I talk to her rudely. But it only matters when others are around. And she makes a huge scene about it. So I can say the exact same thing in two different scenes and her reactions are completely opposite.

I'm just so f'ing tired of it.

nanabanana06

Trust me, we don't. I hate SMIL, she's a manipulatve, passive aggressive, bitch that thinks any parenting choice other than hers is wrong. Doesn't stop us from forming a relationship with her grandkids. All the reasons your giving YL sound so freaking petty. The car seat thing is in the past, he's older now and it no longer matters. Detergent is detergent. If I got pissed off and stopped trusting my parents for every stupid mistake they've made with my kids they'd never see them. I mean for god sakes my step dad fed my 10 month old Vienna Sausages and thought it was NBD. I didn't keep her from him over it. Same with FIL and SMIL putting my 3 year old in a high back booster without my knowledge. Sure, I was pissed. However, instead of playing into SMIL's games I just explained to her why I didn't like it and bought them a new seat and taught them how to use it. I didn't keep her from them, I fixed the problem. If they resisted even after fixing the issue diplomatically, then we'd start talking about Rosie not visiting.

flummadiddle85

Chickypoo2468 said:

I just think it's weird that you were using her as a babysitter and now she's not allowed to be alone with him. As for the car seat, nobody installs seats and puts my kid in without me checking to make sure they are installed to my standards.

Yea.... But the forgetfulness from medication would have me seriously worried. I don't know how bad it is, but who's to say she wouldn't forget him in the car, god forbid. Or who knows what else. Maybe she wasn't on that medication before.

YellowLily2013

Chickypoo2468 said:

I just think it's weird that you were using her as a babysitter and now she's not allowed to be alone with him.



As for the car seat, nobody installs seats and puts my kid in without me checking to make sure they are installed to my standards.

The carseat "looked" correct. But obviously it wasn't once he fell asleep.

A lot of this is a long time coming. And I feel like I've compromised a lot in the past and I'm just finally fed up.

Mandmeesh

I didn't read the last few responses...but we are a family that does not have grandparents babysit-ever. I hate to be the person that says "I agree. This" but I'm with ITK all the way

And not that I need a reason, but every grandparent has shown things that make me nervous and untrusting of them ever being alone with M-giving him dangerous items, falling while trying to play with him. Nope. You see him when we are all together

YellowLily2013

stringy813 said:

I think that the bigger issue here is not things like car seats and laundry- it's setting up boundaries for your own relationship and therefore your sons. There's no reason she needs to do diaper laundry- and you could make it so she does not drive alone with him.

But I completely understand that you can't reason with her and that she won't easily go along with what you want. I'd suggest getting outside help to set up those boundaries - otherwise these same relationship issues will carry on and you probably do not want your son to be a part of that.

Thanks. I would really like to get outside help. I'm just not sure who...

And the issue isn't explicitly the carseat / laundry detergent. It's the fact that she didn't communicate any of the issues. She didn't think anything may be "abnormal" and should ask about it.

I'm okay with things not being perfect or whatever. But talk to me so we can try and solve the problem.

YellowLily2013

@stringy813‌ yeah that would probably be good.

I'm sorry that you are also dealing with a parent with a mental illness. It's definitely a unique dynamic - to say the least. Feel free to PM me of you'd like to vent.

JacieBee

Lurker here. Just wanted to say that you're not wrong for feeling the way you do. No one, aside from parents/guardians, is entitled to time with a child.

 I'm having to work on boundry and entitlement issues myself with both my and DH's family. I suggest at least lurking on DWIL Nation over on BabyCenter. I know BabyCenter in general can be iffy, but that board is amazing for these types of issues.

I hope you're able to come to a solution that works for you and your nuclear family.

zaraceligon

I haven't read all the post, but just one thing, and forgive me if am I been rude. What's wrong with you, what you have in your head. Never leave your son with someone the has bipolar disorder. No matter what. I don't think this is the situation where you are the parent and your rules. You are old enough to know the your mom is not mentally capable to takecare of any kid, specially an infant. You have know idea of what bipolar people are capable with all their craziness, how come if she totally forget him in a car or somewhere. What are you going to do, cry for something the can be avoid. Now let me ask you something, is she under medical treatment for bipolar disorder?

zaraceligon

Omg, you really are something. When people despise to get marry and have kids they are mentally prepare to take care of their kid, to raise a family. But it you are on

nanaosaki06 said:

YL, I like you a lot. Stop kicking a gift horse in the mouth and learn to compromise. You have no idea how freaking lucky you are.

I second this. You need to grow up.

zaraceligon

What you need to do is to learn how to interact with someone the has bipolar. There's programs the help families how to deal with someone the has BPD. The way the you are doing it is wrong that's why she keeps pushing her way.

Mandmeesh

zaraceligon said:

What you need to do is to learn how to interact with someone the has bipolar. There's programs the help families how to deal with someone the has BPD. The way the you are doing it is wrong that's why she keeps pushing her way.

Though I will agree with and advocate for services for people with mental illness any day of the week...this is more of a mom/daughter issue than mental illness issue.

zaraceligon

Yes, is a mom and daughter issue, that's why I think she needs to as for help. The way she will be able to fix her situation with her mom.

blondolphn

I haven't even made it past the first page.

 I have my moments where I love my mil and other days omg. But it's important she is in my child's life. Yes, I will have to keep working with her on car seat safety, but I want them to have a relationship with each other. Plus, there will be times where I will need her, especially this next year. Are there museums and such that your Mom could take  your baby to that is closer than her house? Or what about a Friday night sleep over so you and your husband could get a nice date in? 

The bottom line is either you need to compromise or don't expect her to be willing to help you out when you need in the future. All you are doing then is damaging your relationship with her and the relationship between a Grandma and grandchild.

blondolphn

The part about the forgetfulness kind of makes me chuckle. I guess it depends on how severe it is. Cause my dh suffers from that quite a bit unless he takes his medication, and even then he still has problems with it. 

I guess my baby can never be left alone with him.......

SuperTinkerham

It sounds like there is more going on than can possibly explained to outsiders. For me it comes down to this - do you feel like your child is safe there since he is too young to advocate for himself? I love my ILs, but wouldn't feel like my kid was safe with MIL flying solo. It sounds complicated, but if you feel like your kid's safety is at stake, don't do it.