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the quiet. (Warning: depressing)

Jodee37Jodee37 member
in Secondary IF
Is all consuming. Dark. Massive. Yet calm. somehow. Risk. We takes risks every day. One breath at a time. We jump. Both feet. We hold our breath, our hopes and dreams, And jump. Silently. Because it's worth it. They say. That's what "they" say. What if It's not? My mind reels. What if, in fact, we are destroyed. Crushed. Crumpled into a pile of weeping hurt and despair. How... How do we Breathe Again? There is a hole. A dark quiet vacancy in my heart. Gaping. Quiet. Still. It cannot be filled. The quiet. The sound of no more. Is all consuming. I am consumed. My heart is heavy this week. I am struggling to find meaning in life's cruelty. May all our loss mamas feel my love pouring out from my heart. May my angels meet yours in heaven and smile down upon us. And may the quiet recede only to fill our hearts with love and peace. I love you all.
Me: 36, DH: 36
DH's SA = normal
1 tube only wonder
AFC 3-5, AMH 0.30

BFP #1 3/29/11.  EDD 12/4/11... Missed m/c 5/9/11. Cytotec fail. D&C 5/17/11.
BFP #2   7/5/11.  EDD 3/14/12... Our rainbow Kellen born 3/14/12 via c/s.
BFP #3 5/30/13.  EDD 2/8/14...  6wk u/s HB 126. 8wk u/s lost HB. D&C 7/12/13.
BFP #4 2/18/14.  EDD 10/30/14... Ruptured ectopic with L tube removed & D&C 3/7/14.
BFP #5 7/27/14.  EDD 4/9/15...  m/c @ 5w4d.

IVF #1    Oct 2014 - antagonist protocol: 9R, 7M, 5F. 3dt of 3 Grade 2 embies. BFN. 
IVF #2    Jan 2015 cancelled due to dominant follicle.  Converted to IUI #1. BFFN
IVF #2.1 March 2015 cancelled due to dominant follicle.

BFP #6  (SUPRISE!) 3/19/15.  EDD 11/30/15...  CP at 4w2d.
IUI #2:    Clomid + Follistim = 3 follies. BFN.
IVF #2.2 May 2015 - horrible response to micro lupron flare protocol: 3R, 3M, 3F. 3dt of 2 Grade 3 embies. BFFN. 

BFP #7 (beyond surprised again!) 4/26/16. EDD 1/5/17. beautiful betas!!!! and then near-fatal hemorrhagic corpus luteum. turns out baby was ectopic after all; another lap 5/6 (@24dpo).

the universe can fuck off.


 "You are overly paranoid and delusional that every one is out to get you." -lastsliverofhope

Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
all AL welcome. TTC #2 for 43 44 months.
follow my infertility journey here at timestandsstillblog.com

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Re: the quiet. (Warning: depressing)

  • efhoping2010efhoping2010 member
    ((((Hugs))))  I feel very much the same way.
    H: 34 dx Azoospermia due to CBAVD from CF  
    ME: 39 IS FINE!!!  DOR and poor AMH/FSH/LH
    IVF/ICSI/PESA #1 Beta 1 373 Beta 2 1783 BOY/GIRL TWINS!! Born April 2010!!
    Natural FET 5/26/12 2 blasts Beta 1 207 Beta 2 513 Beta 3 1377 U/S 6/28 Pregnancy not viable d & c scheduled :( 
    IVF/ICSI/PESA #2 ER 11/15/12 Nothing to transfer :( 
    IVF/ICSI #3 April 2013 MDLF 3dt of 3 embryos, chemical :(  
    IVF #4/ICSI/MESA/CCS/FET EPP April 2015
    ODWU CCRM with Dr. Sch COMPLETE!!!! Put on acai supplement they are studying for DOR and embryo quality.
    DAY 3 Labs Drawn 2/26 put on vitamin D and calcium supplements
    Regroup and Protocol Reveal 3/04 "Bazooka Protocol" EPP with MDLF "Protocol 6 with patches"
    ER/MESA 4/10 ER 9 eggs retrieved MESA success found live swimmers :)
    Fertilization Report 6 eggs mature and ICSI'd 4 eggs fertilized normally
    Day 6 Report to Blast for CCS 4/16: 2 DAY 5 BLASTS BIOPSIED FOR CCS a 4AB and a 3AB!!!!
    CCS Results BOTH BLASTS CCS NORMAL!!!!!!  call on 4/24
    Regroup call to discuss CCS results and FET call on 5/20
    FET prep: CD 1 6/08 CD 3 Start BCP 6/10, HSG 6/12 Lupron Start 10 iu 6/17 End BCP 6/21 CD 1 6/23!!!
    Start vivelle patches 6/25 change e/o/d reduce Lupron to 5iu 6/25 Blood Draw 7/01, 7/08, 7/15, 7/19
    Increase vivelle patches 7/03 2 change e/o/d and 7/05 change e/o/d 3 and 7/07 4 change e/o/d add vaginal estrace 2x a day
    Lining Check/Blood Draw 7/08 and 7/15 End Lupron 7/18  Start PIO 1ml daily 7/18  Blood  Draw 7/19
    Flight to clinic 7/22
    FET 2 CCS BLASTS :):)  7/23 :):) YES YES both thawed and both fully expanded :):)
    7/26 :):) 3dp5dt PM very very faint positive FRER
    7/27: 4dp5dt Neg Digi AM but very very faint positive FRER PM POSITIVE DIGI CLEARBLUE PREGNANT 1-2 :):) 
    7/31:8dp5dt AM POSITIVE DIGI CLEARBLUE PREGNANT 2-3!!!! :):) 
    Beta 1 8/01= 408!!!!!!!!!! at 9dp5dt FET
    Beta 2 8/03 = 1014!!!!!!!!!! at 11dp5dt FET
    8/05/2015 AM POSITIVE DIGI CLEARBLUE PREGNANT 3+!!!! :):) 
    First Ultrasound: 8/20!!!!!! TWINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Genetics says BOTH BOYS!!!!!!!!!
    Second Ultrasound: 9/03!!!!!!!!!!










     










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  • FrenchteachermamaFrenchteachermama member
    efhoping2010 said:

    ((((Hugs))))
     I feel very much the same way.

    Me too



    imageimageimage
    image
    My FF Chart:
    http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/490dd7
    TTC #3 since June 2013
    BFP #1 7/21/2013--EDD 3/30/14--D&C 9/24/13
    BFP #2 1/28/14--MC 2/7/14
    IUI #1 5mg Femara + trigger = BFN
    IUI #2 5mg Femara + trigger = BFN
    IUI #3 5mg Femara + trigger = BFN
    IVF #1, Stimmed for 12 days, ER 8/22/14, 9 retrieved, 7M, 7F!!  Freeze all due to fluid in uterus.
    FET end of October 2014 cancelled due to fluid in uterus due to possible c-scar defect
    Surgery scheduled 12/12/14 to fix possible isthmocele
    3/26/15 transferred one 8 cell grade 4 embryo and one 6 cell grade 3 embryo = slow rising betas for 2+ weeks = ectopic MTX shot 4/29/15
    Repeat c-scar surgery June 2015
    2nd and last IVF cycle August 2015, stimmed for 12 days, 2 egg retrieved, both mature and both fertilized.  Transferred both 8-cell embryos on Day 3, beta 9/5/15 = BFFN
    MOVING TO ADOPTION!  


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  • lawmom747lawmom747 member
    I'm with you on this.  It is depressing to be in this place.  ((hugs))
    Me: 35 DH: 35 - Married 10 years
    PCOS and MF
    Two failed rounds IUI in 2010
    IVF #1 in 2011 - BFP 8/5/11 - Our IVF miracle was born 4/8/12
    FET 9/23/13; BFP -Twins-10/3/13; EDD 6/10/14; MC 11/1/13; D&C 11/4/13
    FET 3/28/14; BFN - 4/7/14
    IVF #2 - Transfer 2 embryos 11/14/14; BFP 11/24/14 - Beta 265;
    11/26/14 - Beta 612; 11/28/14 - Beta 1263; 12/1/14 - Beta 3571;
    12/3/14 - first u/s - two gestational sacs; 12/17/14 - two healthy heartbeats (132 and 134)
    Our IVF miracles were born 7/16/15

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    image
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  • southernbelle82southernbelle82 member
    I could have written this. The pain hurts so much I can hardly breathe at times. I miss my babies so much.
    DD 6/17/08, DD 6/9/10, DD 12/15/11
    BFP 5/24/13 - Natural MC 6/7/13
    BFP 8/13/13 - Natural MC 8/27/13
    Ovarian Mass = removal of left ovary & tube 9/13
    BFP 4/24/14 - Tubal Pregnancy 5/7/14
    Removal of  ruptured right tube 5/8/14
    IVF or adoption??
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  • GraceyandTroyGraceyandTroy member
    See, you really do say it all.  I pray for you to find hope and comfort.  It's so hard and I know the pain and share the pain and am so glad we have each other to help lift us from these darkest moments and to be with us when all seems lost.  I am not hopeless right now and I will share what hope I have with you.  I will need your strength and hope at some point, and I know you will share it when that time comes. 
    Happily Mrs. C 
    image  image

    image Image and video hosting by TinyPicimage image
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker 
    start ttc #1 in Jan 2009
    dx PCOS in May 2010, begin metformin
    Two failed clomid cycles (made lining too thin)
    Started acupuncture while saving for IVF in Sept 2011
    Add herbal infusions to the mix in Dec 2011
    Hoping holistic approach works!!!

    BFP on April 2012 at 11dpo
    Meepy Man born on Jan 2013 - Hip Hip Hurray!

    Ready to start ttc #2 April 2013, but plan to be an extended BF'er
    Back on metformin Aug 2013
    Restart herbal infusions Sept 2013 - currently drinking nettle, oatstraw, and red raspberry leaf
    DS weaned in April 2014
    Taking a break from herbs and just riding the healthy train.  
    Planning medicated cycle end of summer.  FX I get KU before then!!!
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