I don't really LIKE DH anymore

ReeceFamily

For those of you who have been close to divorce and saved your marriage...talk to me about this.  DH and I have been through so much this year.  I'm exhausted and fed up.  I'm trying to be compassionate, because he is dealing with a new mental health diagnosis, etc.  But I feel so taken advantage of, taken for granted, criticized.  And now that I've finally had enough, I find I just don't like DH anymore.  Before, I at least had a sense of companionship and friendship (we've never been huge in the romance department).  And now, bleh.  I look at him and see someone who is angry, critical and selfish, full of withering and sarcastic comments.  And I just don't really like him.  He has his good side (wonderful side), of course.  I did marry him, after all.  And yes, I need to be patient and wait for his new meds to kick in.  But in the meanwhile, I am left with this horrible feeling of just not really liking or admiring the man I return home to every night..  

Has anyone been to this point and managed to revive their marriage?

spainy17

I posted when you originally began taking about divorce because I had been there and what you are saying ribs true to me and I'm still dealing with it.

DD was unable to suck or swallow right when she was born and was unable to take a bottle so DH couldn't fed her. add in colic and reflux and we went through the ringer and DH basically took out personally and checked out on us. He would leave the house and go drinking until 4am and get upset and that I was a wreck and not happy to see him when he got home. I had PPA and basically just barely squeaked through those first six months. I almost left him several times but I kept telling myself not to make any major decisions while we were still in the thick of it.

Now a year and a half later we are doing much better. DD is easier, DH gradually bonded with his daughter and is more involved and I'm in a way better place. However DH will never be the same in my eyes and while I see more and more of the man I married I do worry that I will always see the guy that basically ditched me at my most vulnerable too. He knows I struggle with this and I've been open about just needing to fall in love again. I think we are getting there but it took a lot of faith and stubbornness on my part.

I'm glad you have a diagnosis, that much has to help some but this its something that is probably going to take a long time to work out. We both had to be really honest with our feelings and really want to be knee deep in marriage shit together. :-) I'm glad to say that the good definitely outweighs the bad and I could not have said that a year ago. We have been together a long time and I was so surprised that our relationship took such a hit having a child but making it through has made us more aware of each other. I didn't like him for a long time and had to go on love alone and I'm happy we finally remembered how to enjoy each other again.

I'm really happy that you have started to get some answers but basically all that helped us was consistency and time.

ReeceFamily

@2013mommy - the drug he is on takes a long time to ramp up.  They start at low doses and will get up to full dose in a couple of months.  So I do need to have some patience.  It's so hard since I just had a meltdown this weekend and was like "I'm done."  But I can't be done, not yet.  I'm giving it until the end of the year, then I'll re-evaluate.

@spainy17 - holy crap, you are a strong and loving wife.  Your story is very, very helpful to me so thank you for sharing it.

ReeceFamily

@2013mommy - I've never said "I'm done" out loud to him.  As my current counselor has helped me to understand, I'm not assertive enough about my needs.  I'm working on that.  And to complicate matters, he is SO reactive, so I have really been screening what I say until I feel like we can have a rational helpful conversation.  To give you a clue, back in the first month after DD was born, I innocently asked him to change her diaper.  Well, he flipped out and to this DAY won't change a diaper if I'm around because of the "way that I asked him" (which I think was something like "Hey, honey, maybe you could take over some of the diaper duties?").  He admits this ridiculous but it's "just the way his brain works."

spainy17

@spainy17 - holy crap, you are a strong and loving wife.  Your story is very, very helpful to me so thank you for sharing it.

I'm happy to share it. Typing it out actually reminds me of all we went through. DH and I met on a blind date when I was 16. I even went to his senior prom. We went our separate ways after school and got back together when I was 23. I'm now almost 32. He and I have been through so much together and I was so floored by how a very planned baby could rock such a long standing relationship. So much emotion was involved. We have been through a lot together and it was definitely worth saving. I just fell so much of what I felt in what you have been writing. No matter what happens you aren't alone and I'm proof that if you both want to work at it it can get better. :-)

OhBaby+2013

I don't have any experience with this specifically, but something my aunt once said to me always sticks with me. My uncle was an alcoholic and he was a mess. Definitely not someone she liked coming home too. So many family and close friends asked her why she didn't get a divorce. She would always say "he's an alcoholic and that's a disease, if he had cancer I wouldn't leave him so why would I leave him alone with this illness.". I think waiting until the end of the year is a good idea, albeit a hard one! I agree with pp, that couples and individual therapy are good ideas. You both need to be in it together. Good luck and we are all here for moral support.

DCKate

I think you are amazing to be so patient and kind. Mental illness is so hard on the person suffering from it, AND those around them.

Definitely give the meds and therapy time to work. See how things go and how you feel. Just to offer a different viewpoint, I think you give it time but go with your gut.

We are definitely here for you!

URMySunshine77

I know what you mean about not being assertive enough about your needs. I am sometimes afraid to kindly confront DH about certain desires or needs because I fear that he will lash out at me and I would just rather avoid confrontation. 

I also agree with you and others that it's going to take a while for his meds to ramp up. When he does something to set you off, are you able to divert your attention and move on at that moment? I ask because I tend to fixate on my anger when DH is upsetting me, and I feel like this is just marinating in the anger. 

You are being so supportive, and I commend you for helping your SO to get well. Hugs to you.

martha919

Your description of your DH reminds me so much of mine and how our relationship was for the past 9mos or so. He was struggling with depression and also has trouble handling his anger, and he FINally agreed to meds. He took them, then stopped because they "weren't working" (it had only been two weeks), but started up again when I explained to him that he was so much better on them.

My DH is also reactive and critical so I understand not wanting to speak up. I went from never saying anything, to doing a lot of yelling, to finally now a happy medium of just bringing something up. My therapist encouraged me to be "in the moment" more because I would wait for the perfect time that would never come.

You are not alone!

ReeceFamily

Thanks you guys for the stories and support.  It means a lot to me!!  I guess this is an opportunity for me to learn to set limits and be assertive, breaking an old family pattern.

AshleyDehaven

In our marriage, i am the one with a mental illness. 2 actually. Chronic severe depression, and generalized anxiety disorder. Basically when things get bad for me, i stop sleeping, my moods sling shot from one extreme to another, and the littlest things can either reduce me to tears or have me shaking in anger. I am being treated, i am medicated, and i work very, very, hard to be healthy for my family. I never was DS to be scared of mommy.

I have lost a lot of trust in my husband since we had Thoren. I have no desire to be intimate anymore, and there are days that i wish i could just leave. I've even told him i was going to. He loves us, i know that, but he's a child. He has this "everything will work out somehow" attitude that drives me insane, because he never offers up ideas or solutions to problems, so it is such an empty statement. I am sick of trying to keep our heads above water, plan everything, and figure everything out on my own. I miss having a partner, and i hate feeling alone. There are days that just like you said, i don't even like him anymore. I love him with all my heart, he is the love of my life, and i don't think i could cope without him. We're a part of each other, and he is DS's favorite person in the universe. But there are days, that he spends the entire time playing a game and ignoring us, while DS wants to play, and i am trying to clean/pack/work, and i need him to step up. I need him to GROW up, and i need him to pick up some of the slack. It's hard enough being a SAHM that is moving 100% of the time. You add that to the fact that i'm on medications for depression and anxiety, migraines, and seizures, i have an abdominal hernia, and am not supposed to exert myself, but if i didn't clean who would? Plus i run a business, and am the only reason we have anything in savings for this move. I do all of this, and all i want from him is to pitch in, or acknowledge that what i am doing is effing hard, and give me a break once and i while. It has been almost a year since i have had an hour alone to myself. I tried once a couple months ago, and as soon as they were heading out, i got a call that my mom was in the hospital, so i needed him to stay with me. That was the last time we tried. In august it will be a year. A year of doing all the housework, of raising our son, of being sick, of cooking, of planning a cross country move, of getting thoren the care and therapy he needs, of being present and active at every single session, of being the only person to accept DS's delay and the fact that he is likely on the mild end of the autism spectrum. It's been a year, and i'm pissed. So i understand hon, so much more than i can say. I don't have advice... But i understand.

ReeceFamily

@AshleyDehaven -  You are an AMAZING person for persevering through all of this with the physical and mental health issues as well - and for your courage to really SEE your son and get him the help he needs. So many of these responses to my post are blowing my mind, and I am full of pride and admiration for all of us!

I have to say, I just DON'T understand why so many of us deal with loving but less than supportive husbands.  How is it that so many (not all, but MANY) men in our culture are content to sit back and let most of the really hard work happen around them?  Is it laziness?  Depression?  Misogyny? Why are they so passive?  It is boggling my mind.  

Tanda711

I can completely relate to your situation. DH and I have been married for 5 years and it's been a rocky 3+ years. Since DS was born it's gotten significantly worse.

DH has suffered from depression and anxiety and has self medicated with pot (it's legal here) and alcohol. He has been, controlling, moody, jealous, unloving, angry, and uninvolved with our son. DS was in the nicu, and when we finally brought him home I was sick with a high fever the night we got back, so he had to take care for him for 5 hrs straight that night by himself. He was so mad about that that he did not help me for the next year. He literally acted like he was doing me a favor if he did anything involving DS. He had no problem sitting on the couch watching tv while I was struggling to make it through the day. The entire first year of his life we went to bed twice at the same time. He did not get up with him once in the middle of the night or morning. I had to twist his arm to spend time with me or DS.

Three months ago it become too much and I started to get really bad anxiety and depression (I had never needed to seek help for either in the past). It got to the point where I just left. I went to visit family and told him I wasn't coming back. Initially he was extremely angry but then he realized that the only way we were going to come back is if he changed.

At first I wanted nothing to do with him, I was so hurt and wanted to give up. However, having DS changes things, because I know that it's important for both parents to be involved in a child's life. I also know we'll be able to give him a better life together than separated (assuming that changes are made).

I can say that being separated has been the best thing for our marriage. I stayed with family 11 hours away and we only saw each other once in two months. Since separating he has completely given up all substances, including caffeine, and has be focusing on reading and exercising. Recently we have been doing counseling together and it has been SO SO helpful for our marriage. I had been afraid to be honest with DH because I was afraid of how he was going to react, so I just shoved all my hurts down and we became more distant. We're also doing individual counseling which I highly recommend.

DH is like a new person, he no longer resents us but appreciates us and wants to spend time with us. We visited him for the first time in a month and a half and he has taken care of DS 95% of the time - including waking up with him in the middle of the night and morning He no longer gets angry at me but is considerate of me - opening doors, complementing me, making meals. We are taking things slow and it's going to take time to be able to trust each other again but we're both willing to work on things.

I don't post here hardly ever, but I just wanted to encourage you to give it time and things can get better - even better than you expect. I highly recommend professional counseling if you're not already. And spending some time apart might not be the worst thing.

He could get the right meds and be the husband and father you always wanted him to be.

Wishing you the best.

ReeceFamily

@Tanda711 - Another amazing and very, very helpful story, thank you .  I am SO happy (amazed, really) to hear about your DH's 180 turnaround.   I have considered a separation, partly because I feel like, if any change is going to happen, I need to become a stronger and more assertive person in our relationship.  I feel like I might need a break from him in order to do this.  This gives me hope.

AshleyDehaven

ReeceFamily said:

@AshleyDehaven -  You are an AMAZING person for persevering through all of this with the physical and mental health issues as well - and for your courage to really SEE your son and get him the help he needs. So many of these responses to my post are blowing my mind, and I am full of pride and admiration for all of us!

I have to say, I just DON'T understand why so many of us deal with loving but less than supportive husbands.  How is it that so many (not all, but MANY) men in our culture are content to sit back and let most of the really hard work happen around them?  Is it laziness?  Depression?  Misogyny? Why are they so passive?  It is boggling my mind.  

For my DH i think it comes down to upbringing, he spent of a lot of time being emasculated, his mother is the Alpha of the family and has some anger issues, more than once when we were in our early twenties i watched her scream at him to the point of tears over things as simple as doing the laundry. His sister is the same way. She also questions and ridicules every decision he makes. So while he doesn't see the things i do, i think that growing up that way really affected his sense of self worth. Then you throw in the Army, and where some people love it, and flourish, for him it has had the opposite effect. It's beaten down his confidence, and his patience, so the man that never used to get angry, blows up now. The couple that never used to fight, gets into arguments about diapers.Or how to clean something. Or how much something NEEDS to be cleaned. He takes everything i say personally, and i am sick to death of his immaturity. Counseling.. Would probably be a good idea honestly. 

ReeceFamily

@AshleyDehaven, yes, DH comes from an authoritarian, abusive background as well...and he was in the Navy for 10 years. Hmmmm.