Can I get some family advice?

MoFree

TIA for your advice. My family does not know about our IF, that LO was conceived via IVF or that I've had two unsuccessful FETs since then.

My dad is a devout Catholic, very judgmental and unable to be empathic. My mother is more loving and open minded but afraid of my dad.

We are going to Chi for the long holiday weekend. The combination of my sister's pregnancy, LO turning 2 and my upcoming 37th birthday makes it very likely I'll be asked when we're having another child.

Any suggestions on how to handle this? I absolutely will not disclose the reason, not that MFI is anything to be ashamed of, but because of the comments they will elicit.

DH is open to his dad and relatives because they are more educated and enlightened but I can already imagine the nasty comments about 'shooting blanks' from my dad.

TJ1979

Oh MoFree, that is a terrible situation for you. I always used the "when/if God blesses us with another child" line. Really religious people tend to be ok with that response.

But can I just say, as a catholic, that I hate that the religion is still so effing close-minded? Our new pope is much more loving and welcoming, and I really hope he can help bring the religion into the modern day. Especially people like PP mentioned, that flat out disgusts me and makes us all look bad.

Sorry to derail Mo. I wish I had the perfect comeback for you.

BabyKsMommy

While my family is not religious they don't know about out IF. We are mfi too and I feel like my husband doesn't want everyone knowing our business. Both of our families are in the dark about it.

His family always asks a ton of questions about when the next child is coming. I am also in my 20s so they just assume we would want more children. I've always just kind of brushed it off and said that DS is already a huge handful. The comments tend to not bother me too much. I know they mean well.

My family doesn't really ask. They just figure when I am pg I will tell them.

I like the when/if god is ready to send us a child response....

Mrs.AmyDylan

Hi Mo, sorry you are expecting to field a bunch of kid questions.  Your response can vary depending on how snarky you want to answer. 

You can go from the "we got it right the first time, why would we need to do it again?" Or "why do you want to know?"  A bit more honest without giving more details, "I have no idea - maybe never. Believe me know one likes this answer and it rarely goes unchallenged. However, I have no desire to discuss it with anyone. Please consider the subject closed."  

It is also easy to use the "when God blesses it with another" with religious people.

Anyway, hugs and have a good trip. 

Jenny935

That's hard. This whole process sucks enough to start with, but to have to remember not to verbalize it is one more layer of stress. All the suggestions I had are already listed above. Good luck. 

sunflowermama42212

PP gave amazing advice. I just wanted to offer ::hugs::

Dragonfly1226

I am so sorry that you can't be more open with your family. I like all of the suggestions you got above. I hope they go easy on you hon.

kbeach82

I agree with all of PP's prior suggestions. I just wanted to send you some ((hugs)). I can't imagine not being able to share your journey with your own family without being judged or criticized. That is just super sucky and I'm sorry, Mo.

mdiblasi10

I am sorry that you are in this position. Everyone gave the same advice I would. Good luck to you this weekend and hugs.

kmc84

More ((hugs)) I'm hoping things go well this weekend and that judgey family members keep their mouths shut no matter how you choose to answer!

MJC1116

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. As a Catholic, it really upsets me that some current "hot topics" completely go against Jesus' teaching...love one another as I have loved you. Judgmental viewpoints really don't seem very loving at all. Like TJ said, thankfully we have a more progressive pope who is bringing once shunned beliefs to light in a more positive way.

Though I didn't go through your exact experience, I did have to keep our infertility journey somewhat quiet since I work at a Catholic school and was afraid that if the wrong people found out that I'd lose a job I love. I decided early on that some people are worth knowing the full story and others aren't. And sometimes that meant we just didn't share our journey with loved ones to avoid the hurtful comments (whether they were intentional or not). I think the other ladies really gave sound advice and I hope that your response to any prying questions will be met with love and understanding.

imoverit

That is so hard. Its bad enough getting those questions from strangers let alone from family. I used to say "it will happen when it happens" or "if its meant to be" or "shut the hell up". Ok maybe I just thought the last one and not actually said it. . Hugs.

Ruthie04

I'm anticipating questions during a family weekend, but I don't have the same opinions toward IF flying at me. Big hugs on that one. The fertility treatment hate makes me see red.

I usually say I don't know. Which, is true.

queenbone

I agree that in these types of situations a very over the top religious response can satisfy rude invasive questions. Something along the lines of "I don't know it is is in God's hands" or "I don't know, keep us in your prayers."

I'm sorry your dad is such a stink about this. It is hard enough when love ones mean well, but say all the wrong things, I can only imagine how difficult willful ignorance and a complete lack of empathy would be.

mcgeeva

Aye. Whenever people use to ask me and I didn't want to go over history etc... I just said ..yeah maybe sometime in the future. Anything to get out of talking about things.

MoFree

Thanks for all of your suggestions. My views on god are different from my family's, but saying that it's in god's hands may silence them.
@MJC1116‌ and @TJ1979 I was born and raised Catholic, even attended Catholic school for a few years but it never resonated with me. I became interested in Judaism when I met my husband and converted a few months before marriage in 2007. Had there been a pope as progressive as Francis I might have had a more positive view on Catholicism.
Since I live some distance from my parents their feelings on fertility treatment are usually not an issue. We live near my ILs and they are very loving and supportive. In fact SMIL stayed with LO for my last two FETs and I know she will help in my upcoming fresh cycle,

BabyKsMommy

MoFree said:

Thanks for all of your suggestions. My views on god are different from my family's, but saying that it's in god's hands may silence them.
@MJC1116‌ and @TJ1979 I was born and raised Catholic, even attended Catholic school for a few years but it never resonated with me. I became interested in Judaism when I met my husband and converted a few months before marriage in 2007. Had there been a pope as progressive as Francis I might have had a more positive view on Catholicism.
Since I live some distance from my parents their feelings on fertility treatment are usually not an issue. We live near my ILs and they are very loving and supportive. In fact SMIL stayed with LO for my last two FETs and I know she will help in my upcoming fresh cycle,

I'm really glad that DHs family is supportive of you and your choices. It makes it a little bit easier knowing there is family support available to you.

angela2004

I told my mom about our struggles but not my husband side because they are not as open minded. Honestly it's not worth the headache. GL!