NCDR: I don't know what to do...

abby8279

My mother just called me and said their is a job opening in the town I live in and she is going to apply and start looking for a place to live.  Currently she lives 1.5 hrs away which is the perfect distance.  We visit each other regularly but it is always planned and invite only.  She lives in the same town as my sister and they drive each other crazy!  Well my sister is moving to a different state so my mom is looking to move by another one of her children- lucky me!  I know if this happens it will be bad.  She is way to dependent on my sister, she drops in uninvited, and is way to opinionated about everything she does.  My sister and her relationship is almost ruined because of their proximity.  And I butt heads with my mom much more.  My mom is also very competitive with my DH.  She will do anything to take his focus off of me and put it on her.  She actually called him for directions to the hospital while she knew I was getting an epidural.  Even though we emailed them to her twice prior and he called and gave them to her a few days prior.  I could go on and on...  She criticizes everything about me from what kind of mom and wife I am, to what I wear, to how I eat, and decorate my house.  I feel like we spend plenty of time with her already.  Probably 2 weekends out of the month.  But she needs more.  I am just sick thinking about what we will do.  Rant over.

PipSqueak0313

Don't give her a house key and don't answer the door if she arrives uninvited? Other than that I have no ideas since my mom and I have a decent relationship even with having lived together for 2years following my separation from ex, and in close proximity for most of my adult life.

flummadiddle85

Applying for a job does not equal getting said job. I would try not to sweat it until there was something more certain going on. But that's just me, and I'm a bit nonconfrontational with my mom...

Into+the+Kitty

Please tell me your husband didn't answer the phone.

Boundaries are your friend. I would be up front with her before she ever even applies or thinks of moving that your family and their needs are your first priority. Tell her that your relationship won't change in terms of frequency of contact just because she's physically closer. Then stick to it. Don't answer the phone or open the door more than you are already comfortable with if she moves and tries to force more contact.

RockiesNugget

My in-laws live close by and actually do a lot of their shopping in our neighborhood, so this was a big fear of mine. DH let them know that they are not allowed to drop by without calling first and they aren't allowed to call us from the shopping center parking lot and that we need minimum 30 minute notice. I think you just have to try and set boundaries and like PP said if she tries to push them do not answer the door and definitely do not give her a key.

Could you have a conversation with her that because the two of you seem to butt heads already that you don't feel like it would be good for your relationship with her to move closer as a way to preserve the good relationship you currently have?

abby8279

My mom knows the relationship with my sister is shit but she blames it entirely on her.  My mom is one who never sees anyone else's side of things.  She enjoys always being the victim.  And she is impossible to talk to.  I am a big fan of talking things out.  I don't sweep things under the rug and harbor resentment.  I say things like they are.  I put things all out there.  My mom is the only person I can't talk things through with.  It's like trying to talk sense into nonsense.  It is this way with me and my 3 siblings.

And @into+the+kitty he answered the phone while they were prepping me for the epidural and told her he couldn't talk and why.  Then during my epidural the anesthesiologist got hung up on a nerve so I was having shooting pain down one leg. It took much longer than normal to get it adjusted right.  Not pleasant to have it in the first place but then having them move a huge needle around your spine for a long time is unsettling.  In the meantime my husband nearly passed out.  They had to call an additional nurse to come in and take care of him.  And the whole time this was going on his phone was ringing like crazy.  She just kept calling, hanging up, and calling again.  I could not belive it! 

welly01

@abby8279, that is horrible!!

This might be an UO, but I would limit my contact with her.  See her only at major holidays, etc.  She sounds like a very toxic person and really, who needs someone like that in their life?  

I can't believe a mother would call repeatedly like that while her daughter is in labor.