At what point do you "save" DH?

LunaBug924

We're still really struggling with a bedtime routine. It's always a fight no matter what time we start or how she napped during the day. Obviously some nights are better than others. We keep the same routine in hopes LO will get on board.

Tonight we started around 9:30 (I just go by what time she gets up, give it 12 hours, then put to bed). I fed her and put her down. She lasted MAYBE 20 minutes and then woke. I went in to soothe, put her back down. Same thing. Repeated this until about 11 when I fed her a little more and she went out. But sure enough she woke up 30 minutes later. At that point I tagged out and had DH go in.

Well, now it's 2:30 and she is just screaming inconsolably. He's tried everything: swaddle, paci, putting her in the swing, etc, and he's tried several times to give her a bottle and she wants nothing to do with it. He just came in and asked me what else I would do. Honestly, I'd just give her the boob and 9 times out of 10 it works. Problem is I know she uses me as a pacifier. Im really trying to let DH figure out his own method of soothing. God forbid I have to be away from her for a night, I need to know that someone else can get her to sleep.

He has taken a few breathers to calm himself down, and he's a trooper because he hasn't asked me to tag back in yet. I know he wants to be able to share equally in this.

So my question is, when is it time to just give in and give her the boob? Is there any hope at 8 weeks old that she will start to let others soothe her? If I continue to jump in and not let DH figure it out, am I creating a bad habit and screwing myself into being the only one who can do these late nights? Or is this all just "4th Trimester" stuff and I shouldn't worry about habits yet? HELP!

usernewname

At 8 weeks I would just do whatever puts them asleep. If it's boob then it's boob. Of its the crrier its the catrier. I wouldn't let my 8 week old scream like that so DH could put him down. But that's my view.

Usually I wait for the look or him to ask me to take him. DH tries but ultimately the two things that calm DS down is nursing and the carrier. Both of which he can't do (he's hesitant to use the ergo)

Hit the button early. Ugh. ETA:

Not sure what your trying to achieve but maybe it's not the right time to try this out. I would wait til she's older.

LunaBug924

@florassecret I don't really know what we're trying to achieve either! I guess I just want the peace of mind that her other loving parent is able to soothe her as well as I can. But you're probably right in that it's too early for a breastfed baby. I also don't want to undermine DH's parenting abilities by always taking her from him, but again it's probably too soon.

On the plus side, he did finally get her to sleep in the swing. We'll see how long that lasts, but I'm proud of him.

LunaBug924

Wanted to add that by the time I tagged out she was screaming for me too and wouldn't even take the boob. Don't want you all to think I just passed her off and was holding out on her to be cruel.

usernewname

Dh will be able to soothe her and bond with her in different ways. Like changing her diaper or relieving gas with a burp or holding her when she needs to be held. It depends in what the need is

That said I know my dh can feel helpless when it's hunger or overtired with ds. He tries to help but he knows I can only meet those needs properly.

She was probably overtired and all twisted in a knot by then. Ds was like that the other night all on his own. It happens.

Routines will come and dh will have his special role. Whether it's giving a bath or reading a story. We will all get there

MissLadyTay

At eight weeks old I do all the soothing. All the baby wants is boob. I let MH handle it for awhile if I need a shower or a break to eat/pee, but otherwise I nurse him as much as he wants. There's plenty of time to get a routine later. I can't stand to listen to him cry this young when I know I can stop it by nursing instantly.

spacepotatoes

LO likes to use the boob as a pacifier as well but we just got her to start taking a real paci the other day. We're starting to recognize when she wants to comfort suck vs. when she's actually hungry. I'll relieve DH when she becomes inconsolable or is showing signs of hunger. Sometimes she just prefers the way I hold her and DH doesn't do it the same way, no matter how much I suggest it.

blessednewmom1

My 7 week old often refuses to soothe for my husband as well, likely because he is EBF (from the breast). At this point, I just get up if he is crying for DH and offer the breast and sometimes lo takes it and other times not. However, since I am his primary "milk supply" he is often most comforted by me and I am ok with that. It all changes quickly!! My 2 year old is often most comforted by DH!! Cherish this time and don't stress. Do what comforts the baby.

Craved1

We have been going through this with our 4 wk old. As my DH says, "He is only 4wks. He needs his mommy. You comfort him the most, that's why he wants you." Made me feel much better about LO using me as his pacifier. Soon enough will have the rest of their lives to not need us to sleep.

ns1

We went through this yesterday.  I can tell DH wants so badly to be able to do something for DS, and I would love to have a few moments not attached to a baby, but honestly, I'm at the point where if the boob works, the boob it is!  I am trying more and more to teach him my other tricks (swaddle, side, paci, jiggle, etc.), but when the crying continues for too long or gets intense, I swoop in usually.  I remember it being like this with DD, and it was rough for DH and I because I often felt alone in caring for the baby, and he felt left out.  It gets better though!  But, like others said, at this point, if you can calm the kid, go for it!  

JKTTC1

I've given up that fight with the first DS..just give em the boob, everyone will get more sleep in the end! Not worth the fight!

ThereBeDragons

I only swoop in to save DH when he asks for it. I'll offer my opinion on the source of her cry ( hunger, poop, being over tired) or a suggestion of what kind of soothing works for me but I try very hard not to physically intervene. DH is a perfectly competent parent who is capable of feeding, changing, and soothing the baby without my help. 

He will bring baby to me if he thinks she needs the boob (most of the time she's content with pumped milk from DH but sometimes he can't get a bottle warmed up fast enough so the boobs are a quick and easy alternative) and sometimes he will simply need a break and tap out. 

I am incredibly happy that I am not the only source of food/comfort. It's why I'll keep pumping even though I don't technically need to anymore (now that she's learned how to get what she needs from the boob)- so I can recharge my mental battery and have DH take over.