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Saying "no" to pushy grandaparents: Tips?

lastminute2013lastminute2013 member
in Parenting
My in-laws are very pushy and do not take no for an answer. They will ignore my "no's", bully, try to get my husband to feel guilty, etc. My favorite is when they agree with me but then go behind my back anyway.

With a child on the way, I am very concerned the boundaries issue will become a huge battle of wills.

What are some things that have been helpful/not helpful for you in keeping god boundaries with the grandparents of your kids? How do you help your spouse understand how important this is and stay on the same page with each other?
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Re: Saying "no" to pushy grandaparents: Tips?

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  • Spin313Spin313 member
    You have to be on the same page as your DH, and be willing to leave/hang up the phone on them when they start pulling stuff.
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  • angelashlyangelashly member
    +1 @ClaryPax‌


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  • WulfgarWulfgar member
    We have a similar issue with MIL who is our primary care giver.  We pay her to watch our LO but at times I have to tell her and MW has to tell her to stop doing things.  She refused to go to our LO's last doctor's appointment because she didn't want to get lectured to on the weight of our LO.  Some days she feeds him three meals but most days it is usually at least one and snacks.

    We are also trying to explain to her that we don't have the room for all of the toys that she wants to buy for him and that FIL doesn't want more stuff in his house either.
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  • MaebbMaebb member
    OP, all of the advice here has been good.

    My parents and ILs are not too bad, but there have been a few issues where they pushed their opinions or parenting advice a little too far. I had to have a serious talk about, "I know you've been parents before, and I appreciate your advice. DH and I need to take that, along with other things we've learned, and make our own decisions about what is best for our family. Thanks for understanding."

    Then when it comes down to specific discussions, if they're being too pushy, I will either change the subject or shut it down.

    As far as when the baby is born and if they ever watch him/her, you need to make sure they understand what is important to you and can respect that. Like PP said, choose your battles, but if something is important to you (like what your infant is being fed), they need to respect it.
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  • WulfgarWulfgar member
    Actually we keep on getting lectured since our LO is over 90% in height and off the charts in weight.  Then again, my 3 year old can push a push mower around our yard by using the middle handle bar.

    MW and I have noticed that carbs don't like us and actually makes at least me hungrier than when I start eating.  My MIL tends to have up to four carbs or starches at dinner when we go over.  She tries to be better sometimes but not always.

    Most days we don't have any issues with LO eating.
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  • Disneygeek77Disneygeek77 member
    At a certain point, you and your husband will have to be ok with them being upset / disappointed with you.  I honestly believe that upsetting your parents is part of growing up.  I upset mine when I told them we would be coming down for Christmas morning anymore and my husband upset his mom when he told her he won't subsidize her retirement.  

    As far as your husband is concerned, I would let him know that someone in this situation is going to be upset.  So he can choose to upset his mommy or he can choose to upset his wife, so who is it gonna be ?
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  • lastminute2013lastminute2013 member
    When you are dealing with a lot of boundary issues already and the grandparents keep saying, "You don't even know how pushy we are going to get once this baby is born!", you start to plan an offense.

    You guys have some great advice!!!
    • Pick your battles
    • Be consistent
    • Change the subject
    • Keep explanations of my decisions to a minimum to help avoid an argument
    • Get OK with them being upset
    • Be a united front

    My husband is on my side but it is really hard for him to deal with his parents being upset. He is getting to a point where he realizes they ask for too much and everything makes them upset.

    The baby isn't even born yet but I am already really surprised by their action and requests. They keep offering to take the new baby for a "just a few weeks" so we can go on vacation.  They also seem to keep conveniently forgetting they are not invited to the delivery.

    Unfortunately, I suspect they do not understand yet that they do not have a leadership role in our household and do not get to make decisions about our child. 

    Thank you so much for your advice. It is really helpful to have some objective opinions and quick guidelines to help me through!

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  • LaurelBeeLaurelBee member
    I use "We talked it over with our Dr and have decided X is best for our LO." I have also just gotten up, grabbed my kid and left the room when my ILs haven't dropped the subject. A couple times I also had to physically touch my Mil, look her in the eye, and say "I said no." It kind if snaps her out of whatever she was trying to insist upon. It's awkward at first, but you absolutely need to stand by your answer. If you say no, do not get bullied into changing your answer. And your H will come around eventually, but I think there will be some major bumps before. (I've been there.) GL mama
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