What would you do? (sorry, it got long)

ladybug2785

A little background: DH and BM have my SD, who is 7, every other week Friday to Friday. On BM's weeks her step father watches SD Monday through Thursday and I watch her on her Fridays as well as all week long during DH's weeks because I am a SAHM to DS, who is 2, and we are expecting at the end of August.

So, DH's work schedule changed. He now gets off work around 4pm and works a regular work week M-F. He told BM that he would like to pick SD up every day that she is not at our house and keep her until BM gets off of work, which is around 6:30pm. BM initally said no, that it's easier for her to just get SD after work from her step father and that she doesn't want DH to have more time with SD than her...not so much in those words, but that's the summery of her texts. DH then told her that he will be getting SD, he is her father and has that right especially if BM is not with SD. So BM said fine, but that we are never to feed her dinner. 

Here's where the problem is. BM doesn't pick SD up until 6:30-6:45pm on her nights. We usually eat dinner around 5:30-6pm. I told DH that that isn't going to work. He's been sending SD to her room while we eat dinner... It just seems unreasonable and poor SD, I have no idea what she is thinking. DH tells her she is eating at mommy's house so that's why she can't have dinner with us...but seriously, this just seems wrong to me. Before DH started to get SD, SD would always eat without BM at grandma's house. We know this because SD always calls on the way home from grandma's house to BM's house to say good night. She is always with the grandparents more often than not until 7 or 8pm...another reason DH would like to have SD, since BM doesn't ever seem to have her. (DH asked her about her work schedule and BM says it never changes. She gets off around 6:30pm but sometimes she needs a break so she doesn't get SD until later...ok whatever you get a break every other week but who am I to judge...jk I judge.)

I told DH that we should just feed her, BM can't do anything about it. He doesn't even want to talk to BM about this. He says he knows what it looks like and seems wrong, but no resolution can be made on his or BM's end.

What would you do? DH is already having problems picking SD up from BM's stepfather too. He tried to work out when and where he is supposed to pick SD up, and the stepfather is being difficult. He first told DH that he can't pick SD up because grandma (his wife and BM's mom) wants to spend time with SD after she gets off work. He kept giving DH the run around until finally DH was able to get SD. It's just getting out of hand in my opinion. I get the grandmother wants to see SD, but she needs to work that out with BM. DH is SD's father and when SD is not with BM, he has priority over everyone and the same goes with BM if SD isn't with DH. Not saying that the grandmother can't ever have SD if BM isn't with them too...just in general, and especially after work. If grandma wants to spend time with SD on the weekend without BM, great. But since we are a blended family, neither parent has SD 100% of the time, only 50/50. So when DH has the opportunity, like now that his work schedule has changed, shouldn't he have that right over the grandma? Maybe since grandma is used to having SD so much, he can suggest letting grandma keep her one or two nights each week instead of DH getting her all 4...but I don't know.

Just frustrating situation all around. Any ideas on how to resolve these issues? 

ladybug2785

Yes, but the ROFR in their court order states that BM or DH have to be gone for at least 4 hours or more. So not sure if it works in this case. Could BM technically refuse DH because of that?

Ilumine

wow, this is just shitty.  

So basically you are saying that the Stepparent has no rights to engaging in the raising of their spouses child unless the spouse is in the building?

how is that going to work with YOU. YOU should not have been picking her up on those Fridays and if your DH leaves the house for anything during these times, then he is going to have to take her with him because just like the SF, YOU should not be anywhere near her.

just wrong. 

ladybug2785

Ummm, What?

You misread/probably didn't read my entire post. It's fine, I understand...it got quite long.

When I said stepfather I was referring to BM's stepfather, so SD's grandfather. BM is not married. Is that what you misunderstood? If not I don't understand what you mean?

I have been in SD's life since she was 1 and have been a SAHM to her since she was 3. So no, I do think that step parents have a right to engage/help raise their spouses children. I've been doing so for 6 years. I watch/care for/raise...however you want to look at it...SD during DH's weeks and on BM's Fridays and BM's dad watches her Monday through Thursday on BM's weeks. 

The issue here, and I do understand that my post got long so maybe it got lost in there somewhere, is that DH wanted SD when BM was at work because he gets off work early enough to have her for a few hours before BM gets home. 

BM finally agreed but said not to feed SD dinner on her days, which isn't really working out at our house. Plus on BM's Fridays we've always fed her dinner, and it's only become an issue since DH has been getting SD every evening of BM's weeks. I get why BM is upset. We get SD every single day besides on BM's weekends and DH gets SD more. Then add to that not having dinner with her as well, and it sucks. We didn't do it at first, but then BM started picking SD up later and later, to the point where it's 7pm and SD hasn't had dinner then calls us to say goodnight at 8pm and ate cereal for dinner when she could have eaten with us. We don't know how to compromise on this. Also, the grandfather (BM's stepfather) refuses to cooperate with DH when it's time to pick up SD because the grandmother (BM's mother) wants to keep SD. 

So do we just say it's fine, SD can stay with BM's parents on BM's weeks even though DH wants and can get SD for atleast 3 hours? SD used to eat dinner every day with the grandparents and stayed with them until 7pm most nights...the same as is happening at our house. But it seems that because it's at our house it's become an issue with BM. 

ladybug2785

Ilumine said:

wow, this is just shitty.  

So basically you are saying that the Stepparent has no rights to engaging in the raising of their spouses child unless the spouse is in the building?

how is that going to work with YOU. YOU should not have been picking her up on those Fridays and if your DH leaves the house for anything during these times, then he is going to have to take her with him because just like the SF, YOU should not be anywhere near her.

just wrong. 

Please re-read my post, or my new post. This is not the case at all. I get my original post was long, but reading comprehension goes a long way here. What you got from my original post isn't what I was talking about at all...

Ilumine

You are correct, I misread the post in regards to which person StepFather was related to. 

But I still think my advice fits.  Why can't this child's grandparent provide daycare on the BM's visitation? 

Again, I pose the question?  How would you or your DH feel if BM told you that DH's mother could not watch SD so you could go out for dinner?  

Unless there are true concerns about the person - abuse, drugs, etc - then having family watch each other's children is a time honored tradition.  

Now, do I think that you should not feed your SD, no I don't.  Go ahead and do it.  But recognize that unless your DH has Right of First Refusal written in the Court Order, BM can take back these extra days and your DH will have to go to court, because the whole "I am the Father" thing is wrong, just like it is wrong when BM's say it. 

Which, BTW is exactly what BM is doing when she is telling you not to feed her. 

If your DH thinks that BM is not providing the best life for his child, then go back to court.  But having one's family as daycare on the day's you are at work, in of itself, is not neglect. 

SimpleJane

I'm think you guys are being pretty crazy unreasonable here. It's BMs week, you've got no right to demand to pick her up for a few hours every day and BM can use the grand parents as daycare if she wants.

Not to mention that's a lot of back and forth for SD. Mom's house in the morning, then grandparents, then with you guys for just a few hours (so she can be sent to her room while you all eat dinner) then back to mom's for bedtime? Why would you want to complicate the schedule like that? Leave BM time to BM.

Belou52579

Just so you know, I grew up in a family that ate late dinners-sometimes 8 pm. I don't think it's unreasonable for her mother to want to eat dinner with her when she gets out of work.

I also think that you should respect her request not to feed her-she didn't ask you to pick the child up on your off days-I guess it all depends on what your CO says. I just really think you need to respect her time with your SD just like you'd expect the BM to respect your time with her.

freeatlast2014

I completely do not agree with a whole family having dinner and sending a young 7 year old who is hungry away to her room while we all ate.
I don't have a solution, there have been some great points raised, but any other option has to be better than this.

Mkherren12

I see your side and agree that I wouldn't not feed Sd but I also see bm's side. I personally would not have let my exh pick up our dd in the afternoons if I knew this was going to be the case. While I sympathize with your Dh wanting to spend time with his daughter and wish my own would want to spend more time, this is causing bm to feel like she's the reject parent bc she's not home with dinner on the table by 6.

My advice is to go back to the way things were and have her step dad keep sd or maybe y'all adjust your meal time to eat as soon as sd leaves. Neither is ideal but bm wants and deserves to have the responsibility of seeing to sd's dinner needs on her weeks. Unless bm in unfit in some way or neglectful then I feel she deserves to tend to sd on her weeks.

Like I said this is a tough one. Hope y'all figure something out.

ladybug2785

I see what you guys are saying. It's easier for everyone to just leave the schedule how it is, but DH wants her. I've spoken to him about some points brought up here, like how it's a lot of back and forth, the control issue with BM and dinner, and he agrees that it would be easier. But he also said that shouldn't he have her over the grandparents since he is her father? He spoke to BM and he won't get her anymore, it's not right or what's best for SD. He already gets her extra on Bm's Fridays, so he still has that. It's just sad. SD spends more time with BM's parents, including dinner without BM most nights, so DH wanted that time she's giving up. But if you take a step back it's best to just leave things how they are. Things may change when school starts back up, because the grandparents hate picking SD up from school so I may end up watching her after school on BM's weeks too.

SueBear

I would not send SD up to her room.  That is just cruel - like saying "it's family dinner time - but you're not invited."  Doubly bad if you are arranging the time you eat for your 2 yo's schedule, and ignoring SD's schedule.

I think you need to respect BMs request.  However, there is no reason SD can't sit down with you and have a healthy snack - veggies and dip, fruit and peanut butter, cheese and crackers, yogurt  - you get the picture.  (I even have a friend who makes her DD a slider for an after school snack, but that might be a little like an "extra meal").

Personally, I think that time with dad (and siblings!) should come before time with "BM's babysitter of choice" - it's an important relationship.  However, I'm not sure courts would agree so you have to accommodate BM's dinner request.  I would have DH stress to his ex and grandma that his schedule changes often, and that this extra time won't be forever. 

nattyncbride

I can see your DH's point- each day there are a few hours in which he can bond with his daugther, and he would like to take advantage of that.  I also see your CO has a 4hr minimum in FROF.  I can also see BM's point of view: those are her days, and she's allowed to figure them out as she likes.  And I think it's great that she probably tries to eat with her daughter as much as possible.  Quality time, when you can fit it in with working, etc, is really important.

I think this is an example of one of the 'unfair' parts of being in a blended family.  What makes sense might not work for everyone.  Whatever the decision is might not be fair to you, or your DH, or BM, but it should be fair to SD.   I think it's great that your DH is willing to spend time with his daughter, I do!!!  But I do think you guys are making the decision that is best for SD.  It takes maturity to make those decisions, I commend you for figuring out what is in her best interest.  Good luck!

Mkherren12

It is always sad when one parent neglects the time they are given with their child. In my experience seasons come and go and that's about how quickly things can change. I would have never thought when exh and I first spilt that just 4 years later he would not want to see her at all. Hopefully things work out in the fall with the start of school.

Lavender P

Okay maybe I'm extra snarky today because I have had a long day, but what the hell is up with the negative attitude towards BM working from the OP? BM uses her parents as child are and there is nothing wrong with that. If SD was in daycare instead of school, that still doesn't give your DH the right to just to get her from there on BM's time because he is the dad. That is the whole purpose of a CO so people can't override the other parent because they think they know better. I think that your DH and you are completely out of line. Your SD is getting quality child care from her GPs after school and you act like she is being abandoned. It seems like you think because your DH gets our of work earlier he is automatically a better parent. It is great that you and DH are home early, but that doesn't mean you get to hijack any of BM's time (regardless of who SD spends it with) because your DH feels entitled to it. I actually feel bad for BM that your DH bulldozed her unto getting his way and now is all "oh she is such a bad mom because she doesn't feed her kid until later."

+just+j+

My ex-husband says the same thing "I'm her father, I have right over having than anyone else". Bullshit. It's BM's time. She can handle her daycare for her child the way she sees fit. What happens when your husband's hours change again? What then? Are YOU willing to go pick up and deal with your stepchild? Or do you all go conveniently back to whatever schedule works best for you?

hopanka

Interesting, you expect BM to compromise and give your H extra time on her week, but you are unwilling to compromise back and adjust your meal time to later, so that SD can eat with her mom without having to feel left out in her room while the rest of you are eating. This is appalling. Im sorry but I haven't read anything this self centered and dense from an adult in a long time. Do you guys (you and your H) always think of yourselves first, or just this sitch? Oh and way to blame BM for working till later (a fairly typical work day for most people, btw) than your H, she is working to provide as a single mother. You said you judge her about picking up SD at 7pm...please tell me what exactly do you judge?? Have you ever worked and taken care of a kid as a single mom? Oh the horror, if BM takes extra time picking up her DD from work sometimes, she couldn't have possibly had a longer day at the office, last minute phone call from a client, or picked up groceries or dry cleaning or been in traffic or a million other scenarios you cant always manage on your off weeks only. I don't see my kid till 7pm on most days either, such is life of a working adult.

Btw, Suebear: it's not a babysitter of choice, rather a pair of grandparents. Big difference, although in this argument a daycare would still be a better option, since dad in this situation is so dense that his best solution was to send his own daughter upstairs while he's eating dinner with his new family and thought that was a pretty good option, since he actually carried it out. Instead of figuring out a way to adjust his own mealtime, so his young daughter would not have to feel like the fifth wheel, alone upstairs, while he is stuffing his face with wifey and new kid.

Ilumine

Mkherren12 said:

It is always sad when one parent neglects the time they are given with their child. In my experience seasons come and go and that's about how quickly things can change. I would have never thought when exh and I first spilt that just 4 years later he would not want to see her at all. Hopefully things work out in the fall with the start of school.

Please tell me how going to work is neglecting the time that they are given?  If anything the BM in this situation is asking that the BF hold off feeding SD so SHE can have the family meal together.  

Something that all working families do.

So unless YOU and I mean both the OP and Mkherren, want to increase the child support so the BM can be a Stay At Home Mother - thus insuring that she is there to experience the seasons, I would think you would be a bit more understanding of the realities of life. 

BTW, my DH works 9-6 and doesn't get home until 7pm 2-3 nights out of the week and we hold off eating until then.  

cautionwillburneyes

Another opinion that you should let BM have her week in peace with no butting in.  There is nothing worse than being consistently stressed out by an XH who thinks he knows better than you. You all are being very disruptive to BM and daughter's week together.  The meal issue bothers me a lot too.  If you can't wait to eat until she leaves, you shouldn't pick her up in the first place. 

tcam2012

Have you considered that SD is getting something very positive from spending time with her grandparents? I love to see my Dad & Step-Mom with my kids. I love how happy my kids are & I love seeing how much my parents love them. There are memories my children will have of all their grandparents that will be special long after our parents pass. Grandparents will not be around forever. I think it is necessary to step outside of your own shoes & see things from all perspectives before your DH makes these kinds of demands. Going based on what you have written, I feel bad for BM & her parents. BM shouldn't be judged for having to work or for sometimes needing a break before pick up. Maybe she had a terrible day & wants that to fall out of her mind before seeing her daughter. Also, the grandparents may not "like" picking up SD from school because the school traffic or whatever is stressful for them. Whatever the reasons, you haven't said anything indicating that SD is not being properly cared for (except for being sent to her room by your DH while everyone else eats- that's unacceptable) & BM should have room to make her own decisions during her weeks. It sounds like everyone loves this little girl so much but there needs to be more effort to see things from all perspectives.