dealing with an alarmist parent...

MrsT0514

Im feeling kind of frustrated at the moment, so guess I'm just gonna stick this vent here.

My mom was always an easy going, laidback parent with my brother and I growing up, but since my DS was born, she's become a bit of an alarmist. I tend to worry by nature, and she knows this, but sometimes the shit she says, although I know she means well, it really gets to me.

DS is almost 18mo, and has an expressive language delay, which we're working with EI on. He was also a later walker, and is still pretty clumsy on his feet. He's also under the care of an ENT to determine whether or not he'll need tubes (although at our last appt, the fluid was gone, but we are keeping an eye on it) and his adenoids removed.

Well, whenever we're talking/she's visiting, she comments on how much he falls and how it seems like his legs are giving out. She says she worries about his walking. Then she goes into detail, telling me how her neighbor didnt find out until her son was 3 that he had cerebral palsy and is now in a wheelchair.

Now, when DS had his EI eval, the PT that came out said there was nothing concerning with his walking, and that he was just a late walker. Ive also talked to his pedi and he isnt concerned either. But wtf. My mom knows that I'm a worrier by nature, and then her being a god damn alarmist with this shit doesnt help at all.

Idk what my actual point is really. Im sort of just frustrated, and thanks to my mom, feel like the vicious worrying cycle has begun again. Thanks for listening.

rin89

I'm sorry that's a sucky situation. I have to admit I would probably say something to her. She needs to know that despite her best intentions she's not being comforting or helpful.

MrsT0514

Thanks ladies. I know I need to just tune it out, but I cant help but get anxious over it, especially when I see kids younger than DS running circles around him.

Aside from that, I finally was feeling like I reached a place of mental quiet without worrying myself and this just sort of fucked that up a little.

MrsT0514

@Idani‌ I do have a very candid relationship with her and I told her how these types of comments dont help my parental anxiety. Her reply was "so should I not say anything then?" I told her "yeah, pretty much".

RayRay007

Does your mom have an emergency medicine background? My sister is an EMT and always deals with crisis situations at work, so when DD have a fever, for eg., she automatically jumps to the worst possible scenario and tells me DD's going to have febrile seizures, etc. My mom is an ER nurse and while totally laid back when we were kids, is a bit more alarmist now, although not as bad as my sister. 

Have you told her how you feel and ask her not to talk about those things? Have you told her you've considered those things with PT and the doctor? I'm sorry you have to deal with that. 

SpaceGirlSpiff

I can relate too....and it surprises me because my Mom seemed so nonchalant and laid back in the past about this sort of stuff but now sometimes she'll say things that just make my anxiety spike.  The most recent thing was when I was telling her about Jason getting sick again (he recently started at a new and much bigger daycare so he's bound to catch all the rounds of every germ for awhile), and had a few bouts of stomach bug over the span of several weeks...which was hell in itself (one of the 3 occurrences might have actually been from something we ate)

Then my Mom had to pull the "Omg, you don't think maybe there could be a Carbon Monoxide problem??? He's been waking up in the middle of the night vomiting blah blah blah"

...really?? I'm already stressed to the brink and now I have to worry that I may be slowly poisoning us all to death?

I wasn't 100% sure if our fire alarms also had Carbon Monoxide monitors so of course I ran right out and grabbed a monitor to put on our wall.  It's at ZERO of course ...no issues

But yeesh... I'm venting to you about how difficult it's been and how I also keep feeling nauseated from the pregnancy and also being constantly anxious lately....and that's the response.

MrsT0514

@RayRay007‌ No, she has no medical background. Its really weird, bc she was always the "oh its nothing, dont even worry" type...but ever since my son was born, its like a switch flipped, and now with every little thing, shes all "is that normal? Did you ask the dr about that?"

It annoys the ever living shit out of me bc it feels like she's questioning my ability to advocate for my child's health.

MyMorningCoffee

Ugh. My mom was really bad about this sort of thing after the girls were born. They were premature and she was always telling me how she was worried about some horrible problem related their birth.

 I finally got fed up and told her that I am aware of the risks and her concerns, and the girls are getting proper medical care and evaluation, and that is all we can do and the constant worrying makes it hard for me to relax and enjoy my kids. 

Of course, it wasn't an immediate fix, but after going over it a few times, she didn't feel the need to point out all of the things that she thought was wrong with my daughters or could ever be wrong with them. I hope that your mom just doesn't realize that she is upsetting you and once you tell her she will jsut keep her concerns to herself or at least to a minimum. 

SpaceGirlSpiff

MrsT0514 said:

@RayRay007‌ No, she has no medical background. Its really weird, bc she was always the "oh its nothing, dont even worry" type...but ever since my son was born, its like a switch flipped, and now with every little thing, shes all "is that normal? Did you ask the dr about that?" It annoys the ever living shit out of me bc it feels like she's questioning my ability to advocate for my child's health.

Yes! That's the obnoxious thing about it...every time I tell her there's something up with him just in basic conversation it's like she assumes I have no clue ... "did you do this?...make sure you do that.... make sure that if this happens you call the doctor....make sure blahblah" ..... 

I got it, yo!

I mean maybe it's just their mothering instinct still seeing us as kids or something, needing guidance but.... JFC, relax.

MrsT0514

@SpaceGirlSpiff‌ ugh..you have all my sorries. Sound exactly like my mom!

MrsT0514

@MyMorningCoffee‌ I hear you, totally. The thing is, she knows how I am and how I feel, which is why she seems to think prefacing her statements with "I dont want you to get mad" or "I mean this with love and am just concerned" makes it better. She thinks "treading lightly" makes it ok. In reality, as I've told her before, anything shes brought up as a possible concern, most of the time, is already something i've addressed with the pedi/EI. So its a moot point. I think it just makes HER feel better to voice it to me.

azzyberry

I'm sorry you're dealing with this . I don't really have any advice for dealing with your mom (other than to tell her to keep her mouth shut) but I'd thought I'd give you my own anecdote.

My 3 yo DD was really small. She actually dropped off the weight charts when she was 12 mo. She had low muscle tone and significant gross motor delays. She didn't start sitting up on her own until she was 13 months and didn't start walking until 18-19 months and was super clumsy.

Now you would never even guess she had any issues. She has no problem walking/running/jumping and keeping up with her 5 yo brother. She's also a climber and climbs on everything. It drives me nuts .

You are a good mom and you are advocating for your child be seeking EI/PT. Trust in them and dont listen to the bullshit.

MrsT0514

@azzyberry‌ thank you for sharing. So happy to hear that your DD is doing great!

And thats the thing. Yeah, my DS was a later walker (started walking around 15-16 months), and yes he has an expressive language delay (he understands everything we say just fine, he just cant really verbalize too well), but other than that, there a nothing else concerning. That said, hes been evaluated by EI and sees the pedi regularly. None of them are overly concerned. I'm constantly keeping my mom updated with this info, and you'd think that would keep her concerns at bay. I guess not, bc she's still been more of a worry wart than I am.

When she does this, it makes me second guess myself...abd wonder if I should be worrying. Which is an awful feeling to have, bc for the most part, my "mothering instinct" and gut feelings have been prettyspot on.

ravenclaw1

I'd be a bitch and ask her when she had time to complete medical school without me knowing.

MrsT0514

@ravenclaw1 LOL. right??? I must've missed that memo.

MyMorningCoffee

MrsT0514 said:

@MyMorningCoffee‌ I hear you, totally. The thing is, she knows how I am and how I feel, which is why she seems to think prefacing her statements with "I dont want you to get mad" or "I mean this with love and am just concerned" makes it better. She thinks "treading lightly" makes it ok. In reality, as I've told her before, anything shes brought up as a possible concern, most of the time, is already something i've addressed with the pedi/EI. So its a moot point. I think it just makes HER feel better to voice it to me.

Ugh. That is so frustrating. I think that my mom is the same way. I also get how it makes you feel like she doesn't trust you as a parent. That is what probably bugs me the most when my mom gets into one of the those ruts. 

For us it sort of came in waves. She was super paranoid when the twins were super little, then things were better for a while until OMG they didn't walk "on time." We've been in a lovely lull that lasted for almost a year since then, but I feel it ramping up again (One may have asthma, which of course she KNEW would happen, as if making a constant issue about it would have changed anything). She is a little better, but she still needs reminding, however, she isn't nearly as bad as when they were small, so hopefully your mom will grow out of it too. 

I wish we could give them each other's number so they could talk about all the medical problems that have been are may ever be for our kids, then we would never have to hear them again! 

ready-or-not

If it makes you feel any better at all, DS was extreamly bow-legged & didn't walk for a long time either. When he finally did, he would trip over his own feet ALL the time. I asked his dr about it at every apointment & his response was always dont worry, he'll outgrow it. My inlaws were a wealth of Google filled advice about what we weren't doing right to fix it. I just kept telling them "his dr isn't worried about it, so we aren't worried about it"

He is 26 months now & has owtgrown it & runs/walks just like any other kid his age.

billybumbler

As with PPs my DD is really small and struggled to gain weight as an infant. My mom would constantly mention how thin she was and also was always worrying whenever DD had any kind of symptom. I finally had to tell her I would be limiting my time with her if she kept it up because it was making me feel like a bad mom. It worked, she stopped for the most part.

tealowl

MrsT0514 said:

@MyMorningCoffee‌ I hear you, totally. The thing is, she knows how I am and how I feel, which is why she seems to think prefacing her statements with "I dont want you to get mad" or "I mean this with love and am just concerned" makes it better. She thinks "treading lightly" makes it ok. In reality, as I've told her before, anything shes brought up as a possible concern, most of the time, is already something i've addressed with the pedi/EI. So its a moot point. I think it just makes HER feel better to voice it to me.

Holy crap, we have the same mother.

DD is almost 13, and I have one on the way and I'm already dreading the next wave of my moms pearl clutching passive aggressive behavior.

Last year she took DD for an X-ray because she kept complaining that her ankle was hurting. It was the only way to get her to STFU about it.

The same year she wouldn't stop harrassing me about some throat disorder that Google showed her that she was convinced DD had.

I finally snapped and blew up at her and she's been much better since. Which I still feel awful about because I made her cry but her behavior was so overbearing she was giving me anxiety attacks.

MrsT0514

@ready-or-not‌ thanks for sharing! Thats encouraging. Honestly, I bring up any concerns I have at his well check-ups and of course i'll bring up his stumbling/tripping at his next appt (in a few weeks), but I doubt its anything worth gettinf nervous over.

My mom just seems to think that there should be a medical answer for everything when it comes to child development, apparently. She's going based off of how my brother and I developed when we were younger, which isn't necessarily going to be the same way my DS develops. She hasn't quite grasped the concept of "every child develops at their own pace"...and its exhausting sometimes. Bc her anxieties create more anxiety for me, which isnt what I need to deal with.

Her frame of mind is "well he's been walking on his own for over a month now, shouldn't he be more steady on his feet?" Wtf mom. Give the kid a break, hes only been walking for a month! Give it some time! Even the PT that came out for his EI eval said that it rakes some time for them to cognitively grasp the concept of coordination...even if mechanically, they are capable. She wasn't concerned.

ready-or-not

Lol no i hadn't heard that one but i was told all the time that i was screwing him for life bc i "never" put shoes on him.

#1 he actually walked a lot better w/o shoes & #2 he took his own dang shoes off thanks!

I actually was a little concerned about it, & did question it all the time to his dr, but he was my 3rd child & by then I knew how the inlaws opperate & was (still am!) so sick of all their advice of what we should be doing differently, that i totally down played any concerns i had when talking to them. Plus i totally trust my peditricatian to be honest with me when i question something.

mrscutforth

I'm in a similar position OP.