Second Baby Shower?

gothic_fairy60

My cousin is pregnant with her second baby. She and I grew up like sisters when we were little but live a little further away the last few years so spend less lime together. When she had her first baby two years ago she threw her own shower (not appropriate, I know) and sent the invites via Facebook. Most of our shared side of the family, shared aunts and cousins, are not on FB so we did not know about the shower until after the fact. Apparently only three people showed to the shower.

I know that she did not keep anything from her first baby. I kinda feel like she should have since she was not taking any proactive measures against having a second baby. I am so excited though because I love babies. I mentioned a shower for this baby and she told me she was gonna throw one at the end of summer. I said that mothers shouldn't throw their own showers, and offered to host.

I know that some people say that showers are only appropriate for the first babies, and I have heard of baby "sprinkles" for second babies. Since she didn't keep anything and is a full time student, I know the baby needs things. So how do I go about this? Do I call it a shower? Sprinkle? Do I inform her that a second shower is just in bad taste and that she should expect no one to come, like the first?

My mother and I have already begun buying "shower gifts" when we have seen baby stuff on sale, so either way I want to celebrate the second baby. I just don't know how to proceed at this point. As the hostess, I don't want to break any rules.

SingleMom31

I know your heart is in the right place, but it's still not okay to ask everyone to bring gifts to make up for her poor planning, which is what you'd be doing. If you're worried about baby and are able to help, that's great and very generous, but a shower is a no-go in my book.

gothic_fairy60

So can I invite our family over for a lunch at my house as a get together and not call it a shower? They don't usually see her except for holidays. I could call and say "X is coming over to pick up some stuff I have for her and thought maybe we could make a lunch at it. Would you like to come to lunch?"

Disneygeek77

I would just say " I am having a get together at my house on such and such day and would love to see you there."   Don't mention anything about your cousin.  Once everyone is there, you can perhaps give a toast to her new baby or have a special baby themed dessert.  

SingleMom31

gothic_fairy60 said:

So can I invite our family over for a lunch at my house as a get together and not call it a shower? They don't usually see her except for holidays. I could call and say "X is coming over to pick up some stuff I have for her and thought maybe we could make a lunch at it. Would you like to come to lunch?"

I think you're still on the wrong side of the line here -- if someone mentioned that a pregnant woman was coming to pick up gifts and invited me to be there when she did, I'd assume I was being invited so that I could contribute to her haul. You can throw a party and invite your cousin too, but you shouldn't mention her or the baby when inviting people ("Hey Aunt Sue, We haven't gotten together since Christmas and I thought I'd hold a little get together on Saturday afternoon. Want to come?").

lexusolsen

Or you could use the money you would spend in baby essentials. Or a bigger gift or even a gift card.

neverblushed

I didn't read the replies, so I apologize if this has been covered.

Distance yourself from this hot mess.  There's no way you can get involved and NOT find yourself covered by the sticky web of tackiness that your cousin is creating with this whole thing.

Don't throw your cousin a second baby shower.  She's pretty clear about throwing one herself.  Let her. If she does, and it happens to be on a day when you can make it, and you want to attend, by all means, attend.  If you can't make it to her shower, you and your mom can give her the baby items you've purchased when you go to visit the new baby.  

gothic_fairy60

neverblushed said:

I didn't read the replies, so I apologize if this has been covered.

Distance yourself from this hot mess.  There's no way you can get involved and NOT find yourself covered by the sticky web of tackiness that your cousin is creating with this whole thing.

Don't throw your cousin a second baby shower.  She's pretty clear about throwing one herself.  Let her. If she does, and it happens to be on a day when you can make it, and you want to attend, by all means, attend.  If you can't make it to her shower, you and your mom can give her the baby items you've purchased when you go to visit the new baby.  

She wasn't insisting on throwing it herself, no one had offered. I really think that she just doesn't know/understand that throwing a shower for yourself is inappropriate. I had already offered to host when I made this post. After this and other readings, it seems that some people are team "welcome to motherhood" and others are team "welcome each baby to the world". It is possible she is in the second group, and that it didn't occur to her that others might perceive this as tacky. I am giving her the benefit of the doubt here.

SingleMom31

gothic_fairy60 said:

neverblushed said:

I didn't read the replies, so I apologize if this has been covered.

Distance yourself from this hot mess.  There's no way you can get involved and NOT find yourself covered by the sticky web of tackiness that your cousin is creating with this whole thing.

Don't throw your cousin a second baby shower.  She's pretty clear about throwing one herself.  Let her. If she does, and it happens to be on a day when you can make it, and you want to attend, by all means, attend.  If you can't make it to her shower, you and your mom can give her the baby items you've purchased when you go to visit the new baby.  

She wasn't insisting on throwing it herself, no one had offered. I really think that she just doesn't know/understand that throwing a shower for yourself is inappropriate. I had already offered to host when I made this post. After this and other readings, it seems that some people are team "welcome to motherhood" and others are team "welcome each baby to the world". It is possible she is in the second group, and that it didn't occur to her that others might perceive this as tacky. I am giving her the benefit of the doubt here.

---------
The problem is that there's not really two teams... Team Welcome to Motherhood is the one that's acceptable according to most generally accepted etiquette standards. The other teams (Celebrate Every Baby, But She Needs the Gifts, This One is a Different Sex, It's Been __ Years, I Didn't Have One the First Time, and I'm Throwing My Own) are generally just special snowflakes that are trying to justify having a shower.

Now that you offered it's up to you to decide how to proceed. Personally, I'd take her to lunch (maybe with your mom) and give her your gifts and call it good. If your mind is made up to have a shower, go for it, but perhaps keep in mind that nobody came last time (maybe they were judging a MTB throwing her own?) and that you may be similarly judged for throwing this shindig.

dufferoo

I agree with others that I'd stay away from this embarrassment, but it's a little dicey that you already offered. I feel bad for this chick too and agree that she probably just doesn't realize it's weird to throw your own shower, but I wouldn't use that as an excuse to do her dirty work for her.

Disneygeek77

Again, just invite close family over to your home.  Provide some good food, but don't mention a thing about your cousin or the baby when you invite them.  Once people are at your home, you can bring out cute cupcakes or a cake and then make a toast to the mom and her baby.  

Once everyone has left, you can then give her the things you have collected.  

I think this is a fair compromise.  You all get to " celebrate" but no one is put in an uncomfortable or awkward position as far as gifts are concerned, the MTB gets some much needed items  and you still hold up your end of the deal.  

graciesmurf

If I had a pregnant relative that I haven't seen in 6 months I wouldn't go to the shower or send a gift.  It sounds like you and your mom are super close to your cousin, but the rest of your family really isn't.

526SadieSadie

You can be just as generous by taking whatever money you were planning to budget for a shower and taking her out shopping when the date gets closer.  She's already a mother and it's not your problem that she didn't keep any of her stuff from her first child and that she's a student.  If she wants to be tacky and host her own second shower, that's on her.

The only exception to this, in my opinion, is if it's the first child for the father of this new baby and someone on his side wants to host something for her.  Even then it should be super small.

mermaid1113

First off, I will agree that your cousin's move on hosting her first shower was pretty tacky, but I would like to think that maybe she didn't think this through and didn't think of it that way.

With that being said, I must be the odd one out on the 2nd shower thing. I strongly believe it depends on your family and friends. I come from a family where my mom was 1 of 11 children, and anytime we have an opportunity to celebrate we do. That means that my mom had showers thrown for her for both me and my brother, and pretty much every baby was celebrated in some sort of way (shower, BBQ, party, etc). I don't see it as tacky because frankly, my friends and family jump at every opportunity to celebrate. I have never heard anyone make remarks during said events that it was tacky/rude/distasteful because everyone who was there wanted to be there. Life is short, and celebrating is what makes life worth living! 

I think what some people are forgetting to say is how gracious you are to offer to give your cousin a shower in the first place. I say go for it, clearly it is something you want to do! 

lexusolsen

MrsDoff said:

First off, I will agree that your cousin's move on hosting her first shower was pretty tacky, but I would like to think that maybe she didn't think this through and didn't think of it that way.

With that being said, I must be the odd one out on the 2nd shower thing. I strongly believe it depends on your family and friends. I come from a family where my mom was 1 of 11 children, and anytime we have an opportunity to celebrate we do. That means that my mom had showers thrown for her for both me and my brother, and pretty much every baby was celebrated in some sort of way (shower, BBQ, party, etc). I don't see it as tacky because frankly, my friends and family jump at every opportunity to celebrate. I have never heard anyone make remarks during said events that it was tacky/rude/distasteful because everyone who was there wanted to be there. Life is short, and celebrating is what makes life worth living! 

I think what some people are forgetting to say is how gracious you are to offer to give your cousin a shower in the first place. I say go for it, clearly it is something you want to do! 

My mom is also one of eleven and I have forty first cousins. They have, in the past, done a shower to celebrate every baby. I grumbled and reluctantly went to my cousin's shower for her second kid. When my sister brought up a shower for my second child I said no thanks. The tacky train stops here. Also, I'm cheap and all of these celebrations are getting expensive.

mermaid1113

I can agree that some people may feel this way, but as I said, I am only speaking for my family. I don't think we would continue to have celebrations as generations pass if there wasn't interest in continuing these traditions. 

nstreet1818

MrsDoff said:

First off, I will agree that your cousin's move on hosting her first shower was pretty tacky, but I would like to think that maybe she didn't think this through and didn't think of it that way.

With that being said, I must be the odd one out on the 2nd shower thing. I strongly believe it depends on your family and friends. I come from a family where my mom was 1 of 11 children, and anytime we have an opportunity to celebrate we do. That means that my mom had showers thrown for her for both me and my brother, and pretty much every baby was celebrated in some sort of way (shower, BBQ, party, etc). I don't see it as tacky because frankly, my friends and family jump at every opportunity to celebrate. I have never heard anyone make remarks during said events that it was tacky/rude/distasteful because everyone who was there wanted to be there. Life is short, and celebrating is what makes life worth living! 

I think what some people are forgetting to say is how gracious you are to offer to give your cousin a shower in the first place. I say go for it, clearly it is something you want to do! 

I must agree to some degree. Where I live, there is a general acceptance of second or even third showers. Usually these showers are on a much smaller scale, but a celebration of the new baby occurs in the form of a shower. I find it is more common with women that are having children with huge age differences.

leela02

Since you already offered to host, maybe you can give guests the option to pitch in any amount for a group gift? I don't know if that's tacky or not, but that's how they do shower gifts at DH's job -- individual gifts are not required. Then those who don't want to spend a lot will not feel pressured to buy something expensive by themselves. If you change your mind about throwing a shower, you can still ask friends/family if they'd be interested in doing this just to give your cousin the essentials. That is, if you think they'd be open to that sort of thing.

If you don't want to throw the shower, just explain to your cousin that it's not proper to throw a 2nd shower, then offer to take her out shopping instead. But depending on what your family's like, those who missed the first shower because they weren't on FB might be eager to attend a better-planned event. You would know them more than we do, of course!

leela02

I wasn't suggesting either have everyone do the group gift or bring their own gift...I meant both being optional. This wouldn't be something that would be put on the invitation to pressure anyone, but *depending on the family* it might not be a big deal to just mention group gifts as an option if anyone asks OP for ideas.

Anyway, I know my suggestions were weird but some families like my DH's are super community-oriented and usually organize gifts/visits/assistance if someone finds out that a relative can use help for whatever reason (any baby, illness, moving, etc.), like OP knowing that her cousin needs things for the new baby. Those who can't participate just say no & no one gets upset. For families like that "etiquette" is highly situational. I don't think it's tacky if that's what's normal for them. My family is not nearly as close but for some reason will be royally pissed if I don't send them a shower invite even if I haven't heard from them in years. So it all kind of depends on the people OP plans to invite. Also showers don't have to be for sitting around making small talk, most showers I've been to have been pretty non-traditional and more like loud family parties.

brandy4nicole

Since the "second showers are poor etiquette" has already been discussed, and you asked how to proceed, I say just keep it very small and to very close friends/family. You mentioned having already offered to the mtb to host her shower. I wouldn't back out or change it to a lunch now. Since you really would like to help her out, and said she was a student, etc., a small shower may not necessarily be a bad thing, especially if it is commonly done in your circle.

conradraging

I agree with PPs about second showers. That said, if you're hell bent on having one, maybe your family will not feel it's tacky, as they didn't really have the opportunity to attend the first one. If this is what you want to do, then do it but be prepared that it may be a small turnout and some people may side eye the choice to have one.

nickicl

Speaking of etiquette and baby showers for non firstborn children..

https://www.emilypost.com/social-life/celebrations-through-life/456-baby-shower-questions-answered


I think its awesome that you want to host a party for her and you should go for it. I would advise keeping the list to people you feel would be genuinely interested in it, and of course those who are not interested may decline.

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nickicl

@Bliss+Berry‌,
You are correct that Emily is dead. As is etiquette, as far as I really care.

Also, there is no argument. I've stated my opinion which has not changed, and you have stated yours.

nickicl

Bait declined.

Unknown

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nickicl

I was not bragging. Perhaps my tone did not come across correctly on here. Now, that my curiosity is engaged, can someone please provide me with a link to the rules of etiquette regarding forum posts?

I don't want to argue, and I certainly don't want to resort to name calling and such. 

That is all.

Meery82

nickicl said:

@Bliss+Berry‌,
You are correct that Emily is dead. As is etiquette, as far as I really care.

Gross.

nrocke129

Both sides of my family has expressed that we should do some sort of celebration for this baby because my situation is different this time around. My DD will be 7 this year and is from a previous relationship and he has not ever been on the picture. I am now married and as I kept a lot form my daughter there are a few things that need replacement or upgrade. Right now we are thinking a backyard BBQ with a gender reveal. I will set up a registry but I don't think I will include it on the invite just word of mouth. I don't think the list will go beyond aunts, uncles, cousins. Everyone is pretty close.

Designermomma

With my second, my family randomly gave me gifts when we got together. I did the same for my cousin. Just brought a gift bag for them at a get together at a restaurant and slid it under the table and whispered that I got a little something for them and they just took it with them when they left. Some fily I only see once a year at Christmas so a lot of them gave a Christmas present to the baby to be (which we celebrated early because I was ready to pop and did actually Xmas Eve) I thought that was a really sweet and unexpected. Maybe you could just work it into a family gathering and congratulate her and talk about how excited you are to add to the family and slip her a gift on her way out the door.

BlueWaffleSpeshul

Designermomma

Wow didn't see how old this thread was when it began. Oops