How "on board" is your DH?

yevev

We decided to start TTC for #2 4 months ago. My DH is all for having another but when I mention planning sex or upping the frequency during my fertile window, he acts like it's an obligation and says it's weird for him to talk about sex that way. I kind of get that, but really? complaining about more frequent sex? Please tell me I'm not alone here!

KingLED

You're not alone. A lot of guys don't like the idea of having sex just because "it's that time."

EIsieMae

My DH is the same way. He's not into hearing about fertile windows and positive OPKs. I think it makes him feel like we are only having sex to TTC.

cateyes543

In the beginning DH didn't want to know when my FW was. He stated I was just using him for his sperm. It also got annoying that all month, if I said I had a stomach ache or didn't feel good he would say must be KU. Now after trying for 7 months he asks when it is sexy time. He is now more interested then before and I think he has realized it "doesn't just happen" by chance and prayer. 

lucy2113

I would agree. H feels "too much pressure" If i tell him everything. I know he's joking but he wants to think it was his idea. Whatever. So, I don't say to much. 

notthefather

Well, my husband isn't on board for number 2 yet so we aren't trying. I just really like this board. When we were trying I didn't tell him when I was ovulating in hopes that it wouldn't be as weird. 

yevev

Thanks, ladies. I definitely need to start reading up more on here. Not telling him when my window was didn't work because he could tell from my behavior:)

3houlagirl

In the words of my husband "just tell me where to put it and when." That's all he wants to know about the process. He doesn't complain about feeling "used". Yet.

penelopec518

H and I are both very, very, VERY excited for a child. Now that we have hit the one year mark, and are both a little sick of waiting, FW sex is a must and we both acknowledge it. Some days I will be the one who has to coax H into sex when he is not in the mood, other times he will push me when I am not in the mood. It can feel very business transaction like, but we both don't want to regret missing anything during that time. Luckily, we still have spontaneous sex throughout my cycle, so the love has not completely died.

In the beginning we were very casual about it, and I tried to keep it a secret so he would think it was spontaneous and sexy. 

LtColumbo

We tried to do the "let's make conception fun and do it when we want" thing, but that hasn't worked and our timing hasn't been great. So now we have to get down to business. I am the "project manager" for getting pregnant (my husband is an engineer) and I've already delivered by sex plan for this month. It's really romantic.

chaysefaith

LtColumbo said:

We tried to do the "let's make conception fun and do it when we want" thing, but that hasn't worked and our timing hasn't been great. So now we have to get down to business. I am the "project manager" for getting pregnant (my husband is an engineer) and I've already delivered by sex plan for this month. It's really romantic.

Samesies!

katie0919

My hubby knows he gets WAY more sex during my FW, so he is completely on board with that...I'm the one that hates the timed sex. He could care less as long as he's getting it, I think, lol. He is completely on board with #2, and is getting just as frustrated as I am now that it's taking so long (past the half year mark now), he's 35 almost 36, and I'm 35 in August and some preliminary testing confirms I have a progesterone issue...so yeah, waiting sucks. And the tons of sex during the FW gets a little less exciting with each passing month.

Sorry - apparently I used your post as a bitch fest for me. So sorry! lol.

lilsneezy

cateyes55413 said:

In the beginning DH didn't want to know when my FW was. He stated I was just using him for his sperm. It also got annoying that all month, if I said I had a stomach ache or didn't feel good he would say must be KU. Now after trying for 7 months he asks when it is sexy time. He is now more interested then before and I think he has realized it "doesn't just happen" by chance and prayer. 

^^ This. I didn't really tell my DH when my FW was the first few months we were trying. I tried to keep him out of the loop so he didn't feel pressured or feel like I was using him. But after 11 cycles, it's less about the sex and more about having a baby. Now DH is just as concerned about my FW as I am. 

icaughtfire

H is just happy to be getting laid, he doesn't care how, when or why.

Jags8

DH is more "on board" than me. He's the one that is all "yahhhh let's have all the babies!" and I'm more like "Ok sure, we can have a baby now." But I'm also a planner, and he doesn't want to know. So I do all the "behind the scenes" work, and don't tell him when I'm fertile, and he's just happy to get more sex.

Bee1112

Our first cycle my H wasn't into the whole have sex now because I'm fertile thing. When I didn't get pregnant that first time he all of a sudden wanted to do it every day during my fertile week for cycle two.

We got pregnant with DS our first cycle trying so he just thought it would happen that easy again. He was bummed when that didn't happen this time so now he's all about the fertile window sex.

AnonymousNurse

Jags8 said:

DH is more "on board" than me. He's the one that is all "yahhhh let's have all the babies!" and I'm more like "Ok sure, we can have a baby now." But I'm also a planner, and he doesn't want to know. So I do all the "behind the scenes" work, and don't tell him when I'm fertile, and he's just happy to get more sex.

This! I don't ever mention planning sex or ovulation or anything else like that to my husband.  He would probably get a little weird about it if I did, I'm sure.

Pintobean39

Actually my husband could care less. He told me he's up for his duty whenever he's needed, wether it's in a cup or not. :-)

luciferous

Maybe it's that we are fairly new to this, but when I mentioned this weekend was looking to be my FW his response was, "Soooo, we make like the bunnies!?"

The man can't take anything seriously. 

:P

SpartanChick88

LinnyDan12 said:

Thanks @Joy2611.  It's been a struggle over the past year and a half.  I hate that all my life I was under the impression that guys always want sex, only to find out that I have to beg my husband.  It's done a number on my self-esteem.  Hopefully I'll adjust soon.

---------
@LinnyDan12‌ is there something else going on? We had that problem earlier in our marriage (not the shower part but the lack of sex part) and I confronted DH one day because I felt like it was me. Turns out he was down on himself and wasn't feeling like I was interested in him.

In our case now, DH is completely on board and even tells me to let him know when it's go time. He gets the way it works now and really wants another baby so whatever it takes. It seems better this time than last time because we were both so frustrated trying for DD

divinemsbee

@LinnyDan12 Hugs to you, that sounds like a pretty rotten way to feel about yourself. I know you didn't ask for advice, but I'm with PPs. Has he been to a doctor recently? Would you guys consider counseling? That's a lot to just live with.

For us, H has been in on it since day 1. He likes to know what's up. He's also a statistician and a mathematician, so he likes to keep track of the data.

BillyHorrible

I think because we charted while TTA for so long, DH is probably more aware than a lot of husbands.  He's usually the one asking "have you ovulated yet?"  "What does your chart say?"  So in TTC, he's very interested in when my FW is, and is more than up for sex during that time period. 

LisaG09

I get a lot of half-hearted complaining but he usually gives in. If he isn't in the mood I bother him and bother him until he finally says ok just so he can get some sleep. We got pregnant our first cycle trying last time so when we decided to try again he didn't think it would be a big deal at all. When I didn't get pregnant the first cycle again he didn't understand. He looked at the chart and I explained it to him and he said "But we had sex on the right days..." Now that he understands, he still complains about being overworked. I was listing to him yesterday the days I needed him and he finished the sentence for me. He told me he might get too tired and I told him that I would do the work if he'll just lay still long enough. So far he agrees but we'll see how he feels next week.

I never thought telling a man you needed him to have sex with you seven days in a row would be a problem before but I'm realizing now that it can definitely be.

luciferous

@LinnyDan12 I'm sorry, that sounds pretty rough. I hope you guys can work it out. 

I went through a period of thinking he was no longer interested and it turned out he was just giving me space because I was dealing with a bout of depression.

Not saying it's the same for you guys, but you are not alone in this.

PuppyLove84

LtColumbo said:

We tried to do the "let's make conception fun and do it when we want" thing, but that hasn't worked and our timing hasn't been great. So now we have to get down to business. I am the "project manager" for getting pregnant (my husband is an engineer) and I've already delivered by sex plan for this month. It's really romantic.

My husband is an engineer too, and he is fascinated by the logistics of getting pregnant.  He was also grilling me on where I got the "20% chance" from, what algorithm they used, etc.  I was like, I don't know, that's what the interwebs say so it must be right! ;-)

Ladymouse

DH is more eager for a close age gap between kids than I am.  Since I started showing during my first pregnancy (I felt like I was trying to be an agile refrigerator), he's been more eager for sex than I have been.  I have to choose between waking him up for sex or just going to bed myself, and half the time I try, I can't get him to stir.    

yevev

LinnyDan12 said:

Thanks @Joy2611.  It's been a struggle over the past year and a half.  I hate that all my life I was under the impression that guys always want sex, only to find out that I have to beg my husband.  It's done a number on my self-esteem.  Hopefully I'll adjust soon.

I'm so sorry. I started getting turned down as our relationship progressed too. It's so disappointing and I can't help but wonder if it's me. I hear you on the impression that guys always want sex being totally wrong. DH and I have talked about this. It's frustrating for him too because he ends up reassuring me that it's not me. It sucks to have mismatched drives!

suzysurparis

@LinnyDan12 I had the same thing happen with a long-term boyfriend. It's weird since I think I'm particular about my sex times. My ex would take a shower then lay on the bed in the dark in his towel and wait for me to jump him. And if I didnt, he'd get all pissy at me, but if I tried at some other time, it was never right. There were a lot of other problems in our relationship but the lack of real reciprocal intimacy helped drive me away. I hope you find a solution because I remember how hard those times were.

For the husband talk, I dont push him too much yet, but when I started explaining the details, he got a little confused, so I started using soccer analogies. Explaining that each month, we're shooting on the goal, but there's only a 20% chance of going in. And that we need to be in the strike zone to even get that good of a chance. But then he started joking about corners, head-shots, and off-sides, so I let it go.

awesomenus1341

I am so glad I read this thread. DH was really against "trying" because "people don't temp and chart for babies they just have sex!" I had to point out that he had unprotected sex with his ex wife for like 5 years before they had SS. He never thought of it like that because they were never trying for a baby. He is still freaked out by the bbt, although I explained all it is is a digital thermometer, only difference is it is more accurate. First two months trying during FW and things kept getting in the way and I was frustrated. Third month he was all on board talking about what day and "saving up" etc, then freaked out because he couldn't get it up. We thought it was a fluke because he was stressed. Apparently his body is actually in shock from going from a freezing classroom everyday to working out in the 90+weather everyday doing yards in the neighborhood. We got in a fight last night because we've gone about 3 weeks with no sex and I told him if he was that concerned about a baby I would rather get back on bc and wait till he was ready. Then I found out he's been talking to his doctor because he really wants a baby but it's just not working down there and he couldn't figure out why but was too embarrassed to say anything to me. I now know why our house has been freezing the last week or so. FX everything is working again by FW this month.

LtColumbo

@booklover811 I can only cater to his nonsense so much though. He also was expecting a ppt the first time I sat him down to talk about TTC. I just love him so much, but I'm not doing a TTC powerpoint pres.

Wine&Cupcakes

bibliothecary said:

EllyD14 said:

You're not alone. A lot of guys don't like the idea of having sex just because "it's that time."

Men want to believe that we are simply overcome with desire of their bodies on one specific week of the month.

Ha. What a sad life they live! ;-) If they only knew....

We aren't officially TTC yet but I think DH is even more on board than I am. I haven't seen how he operates under pressure, but if I had to guess based on how often I hear "so, I have a boner...wink, wink, nudge, nudge..." I think he'll be ok.

He's also slightly into what I'm doing..he knows I temp and chart and he just saw my ghetto ziplock of wondfo's show up and was intrigued. Lately, if I'm not in the mood for sex (my schedule has been nuts for a few weeks) I remind him of all.the.sex he's going to get once we are TTC. His bff and his wife tried for a year and literally had sex eod for 3 weeks out of the month so he believes my hype.

I could do without DH often saying "leggo my preggo" for funsies. Other than that...

mangomimosa

I've tried to be careful about talking about it too much - but he's been on board & cool with whatever I share. In fact, he's made it clear that he wants to be kept in the loop! He is **very** into this though, and he's also a doc so he's all about the science/physiology of it. I think how your partner is reacting is totally normal - he wants the baby, he just doesn't want to think too much about the making of it. It's kinda a mood killer for some people (myself included, sigh)!

lebradford

I guess I'm a bitch, but we both want a baby, so I'm not tricking him into having sex with me or hiding the fact that I'm fertile. I mean, I don't necessarily announce that I'm fertile directly before mounting him or anything. However, I'd expect that, within reason, he not turn me down when I'm fertile, especially now that we're paying thousands of dollars for my privilege of ovulating each cycle.

schroead

DH hasn't complained at all about me talking about FW, in fact he asks about it! Now, given this is only month 2, but I'm glad he is so into it!

kevinslove

I have been wanting a second child for about a year now.  My daughter is very strong willed (nice way of saying that she throws a lot of temper tantrums) and my husband always said, "why in the world would I want another one of those?  It's hard enough dealing with her every day."  Then my sister had a baby 6 weeks ago, and he saw how Lily was acting around the baby (always wanting to hold him, feed him, pat him on the back and say "it's ok, I'm here."  After we got home and put her to bed, my husband looked at me and said "I will never want another one as bad as you do, but I don't want Lily to be an only child.  We can start trying for another one, but we are trying for a boy."  Haha.

anfranklin2

My soon to be DH isn't entirely up to actually ttc. He wants to just use the npnt approach, but I've been tracking my cycle with calendar and cm- I haven't started with bbt(yet). He remains blissfully unaware of anything I'm doing to help it happen faster and I think he likes it that way! Men are so fickle

willowprincess

Dh doesn't really know anything other than I take my temp. But we are ED'ers, so he doesn't really notice a difference between FW and the rest of the time.

sandj918

My H is very on-board. He initiated me getting my IUD out so we could start TTC. He knows about temps and ovulating and OPK's. As long as he knows that I'm not just wanting him so I can get pregnant we're all good.

myatala

Last night we had an argument about how Husband wanted to know when I may be fertile but then complains about "pressure" and has difficulty sealing the deal. Which tends to make me feel like he's giving me mixed signals about wanting to have another baby with me.

This morning he assured me he wants to have another baby with me. But if issues persist, I'm going to ask him to consider getting his hormone levels checked again (he had blood work last summer) so that we can decide if him seeing an endocrinologist for advice/treatment/etc this time around makes sense, since we're TTC. Last year his testosterone was "a little low" but not so much that his PCP strongly recommended seeing the endocrinologist at that point; his PCP just offered the referral if we wanted the specialist's opinion.

But Husband is in his 50s, so that makes a difference in hormones and performance just due to aging, so I do try to keep that in perspective when I'm not being a bitch about TTC.

sandj918

willowprincess said:

Dh doesn't really know anything other than I take my temp. But we are ED'ers, so he doesn't really notice a difference between FW and the rest of the time.

Silly question but what is ED?

mommy2C

H is definitely on board. He knows when my FW is and has seen my positive OPKs. It doesn't bother him to "know" and he has no issues performing on command so to speak. This cycle we're EOD and it just feels natural. I think if we were trying to ED it would be much harder on us so we will stick to EOD.