Getting hubby more involved

tamibattle

I'm beyond excited about all things baby right now. My DH and I are on different pages right now with our level of excitement for the baby. He works 12-14 hour days and by the time he gets home he's exhausted and doesn't want to spend time talking about the baby. Don't get me wrong he will chat a little bit, but once I really get going he cuts it short. We did have a major pregnancy scare around 12 weeks and I feel that's when things really changed.

I feel like I'm doing a lot of baby preparations alone. Like making purchases, of course he wants to see pics of things before I buy, but it's not the same as him being there. It's almost like he's afraid, but won't admit it b/c of his pride. I've tried to ask him if he's afraid, but he gets a little defensive.

Has anyone had this experience or going through this? I don't want to talk with family and friends b/c of fear that they will start judging my relationship.

Thanks ladies

DreadGamerWife

DH has been most involved in action items - ie, getting the nursery/furniture ready, researching options/safety ratings, etc.  We do talk about the baby, but until she arrives, she is still a theoretical concept to him (even with feeling her kick and seeing her on the ultrasound machine). Much of that is who he is and while at times I wish he was different, he isn't and I accept it.   

vrj0522

My DH is not at all interested and I'm doing it alone. It was the same with DS. The first time, I was taken aback by his indifference and felt like he didn't care but then realized that he felt that those decisions were up to me and he didn't really have much of an opinion on them. I talked to him about it and he simply said that he felt that whatever decision I made around those things would be best. He is not into shopping and a couple of times I made him come along (like for registering) and he supported what I wanted but never had any opinions of his own so I just took over from there. He never questioned any of my decisions and really liked what I decided on with the nursery/baby items. He helped with what I asked as far as putting the nursery together and getting things done, but he wasn't involved in decisions around getting things for baby. This time around I didn't even ask for his help and he seems just fine with it. He has been involved around other decisions though... baby name, hospital we go to, finding out sex of baby early, etc. 

Some men are just less involved than others. However, if it really bugs you, you can give him specific items that you feel like you need help with that he can do. Or say that you want him to help with choosing the nursery furniture, or the car seat, etc, so that you can reel him in. 

SusieBW

Yeah, my DH just didn't care at all about most of the prep stuff.  he knew that i was on the Bump learning about all kinds of products and nursery items and everything, so he just trusted me to make whatever decisions were best.  he also didn't care how the nursery was decorated or anything like that, so he left it up to me.  If I showed him something I was thinking of that he really didn't like, he'd let me know, but otherwise, he just let me do what I wanted, and always told me I was doing a good job.

He was good at action items or if I actually asked him to take care of anything, though.  He sanded and refinished DD's dresser, he put the crib together, and he arranged with our friend who built DD's desk/changing table that I helped design, and he picked out the diaper bag and a few other things, I think.  I'm not sure there's a good way to get a dude interested in stuff like which brand of diapers/wipes/bottles to use or picking out crib sheets. 

If there are things that you don't really feel strongly about, maybe leave it for him to research and pick out a few things, like the PnP or high chair or whatever.  If you put him in charge of certain things, it might be better than just asking him to be more involved generally.  Especially if the things you put him in charge of are safety things, like car seats - dudes are more into that stuff than aesthetics like crib bedding, kwim?  Point him toward some of the research tools, like that Baby Bargains book, if you have it, or the consumer reports guides or whatever, and then let him make the decisions.

tamibattle

Thank you ladies! I REALLY appreciate the advice. I guess men are different when it comes to this stuff. I'm going to try and sit him down next weekend when we r both off from work for July 4th. Hopefully there will be some relief after that discussion. He's a really good man and that I can't take from him.

mcclan03

I've started notice that I'm talking about baby a LOT. Of course that's natural when you're the mom-to-be -- you're thinking/reading about it so much -- but I wonder if for some of our partners it can be a bit overwhelming. My DH is very low-key and patient, so he'll talk to me about baby things whenever I bring it up, but this weekend it occurred to me that maybe I should give him a break. Talk about other things for a few days.

If you've picked up on some fear/defensiveness, that could easily be a factor, too. In my experience, fear or self-protection can make a dude emotionally withdraw in a hurry. I don't know what your DH is like, but mine often just needs some space and time to think, then he'll come around on his own. I think men can be like turtles -- the more you poke and prod at them, the more they retreat.

Also, don't underestimate the exhaustion factor. I definitely don't work 12-14 hour days, but even a tough ten-hour day can make me want to do nothing but eat dinner, lay on the couch, and think about nothing.

Good luck - I'm sure it'll work out. Lots of women I know have also said even when their husbands weren't super-involved or excited while they were pregnant, it all switched on when the baby arrived. Since he's a good man like you say, I'd have faith in him.

cozybluebear

My husband was the same way with out first pregnancy. It was beyond frustrating. I had this plan in my head of us doing all these baby prep activities together but it wasn't happening. In the 3rd trimester when he could really feel and see baby moving, he came around a little more. You have to understand that they have a hard time relating to baby like we do. Our lives revolve around baby because we carry him/her for 9 months and feel everything! I guarantee, once baby is born, you'll see a huge change in him instantly!

pushgal84

vrj0522 said:

My DH is not at all interested and I'm doing it alone. It was the same with DS. The first time, I was taken aback by his indifference and felt like he didn't care but then realized that he felt that those decisions were up to me and he didn't really have much of an opinion on them. I talked to him about it and he simply said that he felt that whatever decision I made around those things would be best. He is not into shopping and a couple of times I made him come along (like for registering) and he supported what I wanted but never had any opinions of his own so I just took over from there. He never questioned any of my decisions and really liked what I decided on with the nursery/baby items. He helped with what I asked as far as putting the nursery together and getting things done, but he wasn't involved in decisions around getting things for baby. This time around I didn't even ask for his help and he seems just fine with it. He has been involved around other decisions though... baby name, hospital we go to, finding out sex of baby early, etc. 

Some men are just less involved than others. However, if it really bugs you, you can give him specific items that you feel like you need help with that he can do. Or say that you want him to help with choosing the nursery furniture, or the car seat, etc, so that you can reel him. 

This pretty much sums up my H. At the end of the day, H is more concerned about the baby budget and bottom line, not the pattern on the car seat. The details that I fret over are the ones he finds tedious. I'll spare him the debate of which features we need in a pack n play, if it means he's active in creating a birth plan, reading books about how to be a supportive birth partner, physically getting the nursery ready, etc. I also make sure I talk about non-baby related things with him. If everything was baby, baby, baby all the time, it'd would be hard to keep his attention.

slsl509

DH is a great and involved dad, especially as DD gets older. When she was tiny he loved her but it wasn't the same as it was for me. He still asks my opinion on all sorts of minute parenting decisions and I'm like "I don't know any more than you!"  He seemed to think I was somehow more knowledgable than him from the moment of conception. Now that she is a little person, not a baby, he is more at ease.

I think it's such an abstract concept when you're not the one carrying the baby (I mean it's abstract to me and I can feel baby moving and feel every day of being pregnant). His way of helping might not be the same as yours but he's contributing as he knows how.

I don't think it's indicative of the type of father he will be. I also think it's easy to sort of forget your hubby with all the baby excitement; remember not to lose him in all this.