For those who have experienced a loss....

JBDamonM

I found out this morning that a good friend lost her baby late in the first tri (not sure exactly when, think it was around 10.5 weeks).... After telling people, buying maternity clothes etc,

I am so so so sad for her and her husband, and I want to do something nice for them to honor their little one.

For those who have unfortunately been through this, any ideas? Anything people did for you that meant a lot? Anything to steer clear away from?

Thanks for the help.

TJ1979

I'm so sorry to hear that. I thinking knowing that you are thinking of her and here for her is the best you can do. One friend sent flowers and that was sweet. The friends who didn't acknowledge it at all were the ones that hurt. And of course avoid all the stupid cliches like it wasn't meant to be, God has a plan, it happened for a reason, you'll get 'em next time. A sweet card, thinking of you, here for you, etc and flowers. And space. I couldn't talk to anyone. I didn't talk to anyone for weeks.
Hmm, maybe offer to return her maternity clothes for her if she can't bear to look at them. Or she might be the type that holds onto them bc she is hopeful for next time. It's so hard to say bc everyone handles loss differently.
Hugs to her, and you are sweet to want to do something special.

Jenny935

A simple gesture that my aunt did for me was send me two ice cream gift cards. It said something along the lines of "Eat some ice cream to help yourself feel better this week, and save the second for the future when you have cravings." I know it's basically the same thing that everyone else was saying, but for some reason it didn't bother me the same way as the people saying "Oh you'll get it next time!"

TJ1979

That's neat @Jenny935‌. It acknowledges now, it implies hope for the future, but it's not in your face.

Ruthie04

Everything TJ said. Cards and offers to take me out for a coffee/drink meant so much. My doc put me on bed rest for a few days because I was bleeding so heavily and my SIL even brought me a much appreciated meal. While I would have appreciated flowers, a friend said she liked getting a plant because the death of the flowers was too symbolic.

So very, very sorry for your friend. A loss is just so awful.

luvboston

I only wanted a massage or pedicure and to be left alone.

pb_bride

I think everyone handles it a bit differently.  A friend recently had a m/c (around 8 wks) after she has told us (her mom friends).  She actually WANTED to talk about it, and she said it made her feel better.  So my advice is (simliar to PPs') reach out to her to let her know you're there thinking of her, and if she wants to talk, your ears are open.

wille2b

I always make chocolate muffins for people when the experience a loss. It seems silly, but its a good comfort food to add with a nice card!

Robeano

I second bringing over a meal. It was helpful. Also letting her know you are available to talk but letting her know there is no pressure. Also lots of hugs, and honestly it meant a lot to me when people cried with me  

cmhawkins1709

Take them a meal. Acknowledge the loss as losing a baby, not just a "miscarriage". I've always wanted some kind of commemorative jewelry to remember my little ones...there is a lot of that out there.

JBDamonM

cmhawkins1709 said:

Take them a meal. Acknowledge the loss as losing a baby, not just a "miscarriage". I've always wanted some kind of commemorative jewelry to remember my little ones...there is a lot of that out there.

This is exactly what I was thinking. I have heard so many people who have lost say that it's hard when no one acknowledges that it's the loss of a a baby and not just a miscarriage.....I'm going to search now.

JBDamonM

Thanks for all the good advice.i found out after I posted that they actually had to terminate for medical reasons. Even if she carried full term and delivered, the baby would not have survived more than a few days. Devastating....

TJ1979

How tragic and heartbreaking. Hugs to them.

imoverit

So heartbreaking. I would just appreciate a card and be left alone. My ILs sent me flowers and I hated it because they reminded me of the loss everytime i looked at them.

Dragonfly1226

I'm so sorry for your friend's loss. Our first loss was at 12 weeks after seeing a HB at 8 weeks. We had also told people we were expecting. It was horrible. We were totally blindsided by the loss. DH and I stayed home from work for a few days and focused on each other. We didn't really talk to anyone else. One thing I remember is a friend sent an edible arrangement. We really, really appreciated it because neither of us was in a mindset where we were taking care of ourselves. It sounds crazy, but I'm not sure we would have really eaten during those first few days if it wasn't in the fridge.

Also keep in mind that when something like this first happens everyone is reaching out. After a week the pain is still so fresh and raw but everyone else has stopped checking in. Keep your friend's feelings in mind as time passes.