@Manada and I have some very sad news. We lost both of our babies on Wednesday.
As many of you know, in utero we had been calling the babies "The Rockies" and "Rocky 1 and Rocky 2" because our theme song throughout IVF and pregnancy was "Eye of the Tiger."
Wednesday morning, with virtually no warning, Rocky 1's water broke. We were 21 weeks exactly.
At 9:31pm on Weds, Tavin Sara T. was stillborn. At 10:05pm Casey Elizabeth T. was born alive and lived for about the next hour and a bit. We lay with both beautiful, precious babies on our chests, and we spoke and sang to both of them while we held them.
@Manada talking: Tavin and Casey are so beautiful, and they both look so much
like H. in different ways.
Tavin has a ridge on the back of her head that is a feature of H’s and
H’s philtrum, which made her expression one that I recognized right away. Casey has H’s lips, nose and ears for
sure, and probably her cheek shape as well. Both of our daughters also have H’s very distinct
knees and her long monkey-toes; those were one of the first things I looked
We were very lucky to have our birth attended by our wonderful midwife even though we were obviously in the hospital. She caught both babies and was an incredible source of support through a day the horrors, sorrows, and beauties of which we have not yet really begun to process.
We both feel so lucky for the 21 weeks we got to share with our Rockies and for getting to have both babies with us after they were born; we are grateful for the ways we did get to know them. We are also devastated beyond words at not getting to watch Casey and Tavin grow up together.
We do not know for sure what caused the water to break and we may never know. On Tuesday we had an appointment with our twins specialist and everything looked great with the babies and with M’s cervix (which many of you know was shortened and had had put @Manada on bedrest for the last several weeks). The doctor was very happy and we returned home to bedrest. Only 14 hours later, after M. waking up with a feeling of bladder discomfort and a very few minutes of mild cramping, Tavin's water broke abruptly and out of nowhere. We went from waking up without reason for concern to paging the midwife and rushing to the hospital within 30 minutes.
At the time of birth, there was an infection discovered in the uterus and amniotic fluid that was pretty severe and one that has not been adequately explained through research, nor can the doctors explain to us how or why it happened. It may have been caused by the bleed a month ago, or that bleed may have been the first sign at that point that something was brewing. We were so hopeful that things would be able to hold on until our babies would be safe, but despite the cervix doing well it happened. There is no reason to believe the way this happened is related to the fact that we had twins or the cervix issues we had.
Tavin's middle name Sara is after my aunt Sara who passed away from breast cancer several years ago. Casey's middle name Elizabeth is after Manada's great grandmother and after my mom's middle name.
We spent today making arrangements for our babies and on
Wednesday we are planning to do a small outdoor ceremony with
We love them both so much.