You knew you were done having babies when...

shellylovelee

I really don't know where to post this... I am not pregnant, nor are we TTC. I recently posted about my fear of not seeing my babes grow into adulthood. I care about your opinion on these boards the most - moms 35+ - so I'm posting this question here. My DH and I are considering him getting a vasectomy. I am 40 he is 45, we have a 2 1/2 DS and a 16 mos DD. He also has two teenage daughters from a precious marriage (non custodial). DH is soooo d.o.n.e. Financial, logistical, age issues are his very valid reasons. I agree with him that it would be tough. Very tough. And we are tired. Soooooo tired. I am torn. Part of me thinks these two babes make a sweet little completeness to our family. We've even gotten rid of baby stuff already. The other part of me wants one more. My head feels done, my body feels done, but my heart wants one more. How did/will you make the decision? (Sorry...mobile version won't display my paragraph returns)

aurora1974

I just turned 40 and DH will be 41 in a couple months.  I have DD1 who is 19 and DD2 who is 2. I always knew I wanted more children than just my oldest and I would yearn for another one every time I saw a baby or baby things, but being single it wasn't in the cards for me.  Then I met DH. We started trying for DD2 right after we got married, but it would take a year and a half and one early miscarriage before I got pregnant with her. I had very intense physical and emotional reactions to every BFN while we were trying. Every time I saw a baby or baby things I would just completely lose it.  Now, I no longer have any of those feelings.  I love seeing babies and baby things and I still awww and coo over all of them, but I have no feeling anywhere of I want to do that again. Which is good, because after everything we went through to get DD2, DH was completely done and unwilling to try for any more.  We have our hands full financially with DD1 in college and DD2 in daycare and physically we are exhausted. So we are in agreement that we are done and DH is getting a vasectomy later this year.

Guennie

My situation is completely different from yours as I only have one. It took such a long time and so much pain to get here. I would love to have one more so she could have a sibling but I knew in first tri this would be it for us. My pregnancy was so difficult. I really don't think I could go through it all again, especially while caring for a baby or toddler.

I understand how hard it is to make the decision, I do have a yearning sometimes for one more, but I know how hard it would be on my body and mind and I would not be able to be the mother I want to be to this beautiful little girl I've already brought into the world. So that's the reminder I focus on and that's how I know I'm done.

Geeps2

I wish I could be one of those women that just knew that she was done.  Before DH and I got married we discussed having 2 and being happy.  I was completely on board.  Then after I had my second he wasn't even 2 days old and I was already talking like there would be a 3rd.  I don't know where it came from but I still can't shake the feeling like we should have 3 and then our family would be complete.  I just turned 40 in April and my DH just turned 44 this month.  We aren't actively trying but we aren't doing anything to prevent either.  Granted you have to have sex to have a baby but around here lately "ain't nobody got time for that."  LOL 

Good Luck in whatever you decide.  I envy you being able to give away the baby stuff.  I was asked to donate some of my son's old baby clothes and I had a melt down.  I'm just not ready to close the door yet.

MommyAtty

I knew early on in my last pregnancy. I'm just DONE. I'm tired. My career isn't served by going on maternity leave. I look a lot younger than I am, and being pregnant and having little ones makes me seem even younger. DH talks about another daughter, but I think it's because he doesn't want to get snipped, not because he really wants another baby.

jbelle

I'll be very interested to see other's responses to how they ended up where they ended up. 

We're first-time parents at not-quite-40; we're enjoying our little girl so much, more than either of us anticipated. But it's making us think we might be one-and-done! We're thinking we might have more time and energy for her that way… more time and energy for each other. It also seems more straightforward financially. 

I never anticipated having only one child, or being an older mom, but there are positives and negatives to every scenario, and I'm focusing on those in earnest. We're only 3 months in to this parenthood thing, so we could easily change our minds, but we also dealt with unexplained IF, so who knows if we can even have a second!

10-4LilBuddy

We had unexplained IF and tried for 3 yrs before our twins. I had a really hard pregnancy and have been told that my problems would occur again and even earlier in subsequent pregnancies. I thought I was at peace with the idea of no more kids, but I really wanted one more. My heartaches that we are done.

shelley1002

We just knew.  DS1 is almost 3 and after him we debated having another.  We both like the idea of a sibling but were loving the only child part.  We hemmed and hawed about having another and decided to try for 1 year when DS1 turned 1.  If I wasn't pregnant when DS1 turned 2 we were going to take it as Nature's way of saying we were done.  I got pregnant with DS2 after 5 or 6 months.  I just knew we were done.  We always talked about having 2 kids.  Did not matter what combination of sexes we had (2 boys, 2 girls, 1 of each) we were done with 2.  After DS2 was born we looked at each other said that our family is definitely complete and we do not want any more.

erikaja6

DS2 is not even three months old and I already know I'd love to have one more child.  My husband is happy with two, but is willing to try for one more because he know how much it means to me.  He grew up with a sister and thinks two kids is a great number.  I grew up with two brothers and a sister and think three kids sounds great.  If I still feel the same in a year, we'll try for one more.  If we're successful, we'll definitely be done with three.  

QOTR

I think I'd like to have two, but it's too early to really decide (my little guy is not even a month old yet).

Logically, I know that we can't really afford a second and be able to provide for our son the way we want to.  Also, I feel that I was so lucky to have a healthy pregnancy and healthy son after 3 losses, that it seems like I would be tempting fate to try again.   All of this combined with the fact that my husband strongly feels that we're only having one probably means that we're done.   However, when my husband talked about scheduling a vasectomy, I wasn't ready to talk about it.

mommy5point0

I'm the 3rd of 6. I'm myself 35 & PG with my 5th (2nd with DH, 1st 3 are from my first marriage). My mom said when you know you're done you just KNOW. Even now I don't feel "done."

Don't do it until you KNOW. There are a lot of BC options out there.

shellylovelee

Thank you!

bumpuser10331514

When DS was 15 mos, I got pregnant with DD. Around week 8, with 4 solid weeks of morning sickness behind me and 7 more to go, I knew I was done. When the treasured 2nd tri came without any relief and there were 5 more months to go, I knew. When I got to the 3rd tri and still had 3 mos to go, I knew. When I started planning for my 3-day deluxe vacation at the hospital, I knew. And when that blessed moment came where I saw my sweet baby girl and was no longer pregnant, I knew. I still know 4 months later. I'm never getting pregnant again ever. ever. everever.

stever

I knew we were done when they found a hormone-dependent tumor in my brain that was most likely caused by my pregnancies.

Blammo. Done.

((don't worry. It's small and benign))

Ilumine

I will be honest, while I had an easy pregnancy, easy enough labor and my daughter has been an easy child to raise (she is now 5 and I am 43), there is nothing that would make me want to have another child.  

I want to say that it is partially my age....but that would be a lie. Being 35+ is not the end of the world. 

People live well past their 70s's today (with quality of life nonetheless).  That brings us into our children into their 30s. 

 I love having a sort of only one (I have stepchildren, but they are 26 and 18 - neither is a sibling in the truest sense of the word). 

I do not helicopter parent, I do not spoil her, and I do not focus our HOUSE around her.  But when it comes to parenting, I found out pretty early on what my strengths and weaknesses are and I can honestly say that these would not allow me to be a parent of multiples. 

Designermomma

I'm still on the fence myself. We had always talked about having 2 but DH mentioned 3. I always said lets see how the first goes. I had DS1 at 30. 3+ years of trying had DS2 @ 35. I said if the 2nd was a girl, I'm done. But, if it's another boy, I might want another. (still want a girl) DS2 is so sweet and easy that it makes me want another. My labor lasted all of 20 min. and that scares me a little that maybe #3 would pop out if I sneeze. I'm keeping all the baby stuff until I decide for sure that I'm done.

Skadii

We were 100% sure we were done after we adopted our second daughter four years ago. We felt complete as a family, and were still comfortable getting around with the four of us. But then our eldest's biomum fell pregnant again, and though we'd never had any contact with her, she specifically asked that we adopt her. It was a hard decision, since we felt our family was complete, but we loved the idea of our eldest having a sister that was also biological, so we adopted her anyway, and now we can't imagine life without her. But somehow, it made our family seem incomplete again, so we decided to try surrogacy. And it worked really well, and our fourth daughter is due next month.

But now we are definitely done. The logistics of having five children would be insane, and would mean we would have to move house, and have to take two cars everywhere. Plus, we're closing in on 50, and we already have grand-nieces and nephews, so its really not an option for us to have more children, in our opinion.

shelley1002

Skadii said:

We were 100% sure we were done after we adopted our second daughter four years ago. We felt complete as a family, and were still comfortable getting around with the four of us. But then our eldest's biomum fell pregnant again, and though we'd never had any contact with her, she specifically asked that we adopt her. It was a hard decision, since we felt our family was complete, but we loved the idea of our eldest having a sister that was also biological, so we adopted her anyway, and now we can't imagine life without her. But somehow, it made our family seem incomplete again, so we decided to try surrogacy. And it worked really well, and our fourth daughter is due next month.

But now we are definitely done. The logistics of having five children would be insane, and would mean we would have to move house, and have to take two cars everywhere. Plus, we're closing in on 50, and we already have grand-nieces and nephews, so its really not an option for us to have more children, in our opinion.

I just have to say that is so awesome keeping the bio-siblings together!  I had a friend in school whose adoptive parents did that.  I think there are a total of 5 bio-kids total; all from Korea too.  There are a total of 13 kids in the family I think 9 or 10 are adopted.  There may be a couple other that are bio-sibs as well but I'm not sure.

bleusimp

Before trying the first time, we talked about having 2. After the first one, we started talking about being happy with 1. Little did I know I was already pregnant with #2. Both are boys, and while the idea of trying for a girl sounds nice, I am so unbelievably exhausted with a 13 month old and being 7 months pregnant, that I can't imagine doing this again and still working. Every once in a while I think of maybe waiting and seeing, but I'm 99% sure I'm done.

Symharmony

I haven't posted on this board yet, but I've been lurking.  I'm 42, and DH will be 38 in November. Even though I have three kids, I still feel like someone is missing.  I was diagnosed unexplained infertility after I had a Laparoscopy.  DH and I had been trying for almost two years when I finally had the Lap done.  I ended up getting pregnant six weeks later, so something helped with the Lap.  It has always been hard for me when I was TTC.  I would break down every month when I would get my period. I'm not sure if some of my feelings are based off of the mental anguish I would feel.  I just know that it's hard for me to feel complete.

DH is 100% done, so I really have no choice. It doesn't help that my body keeps messing with my head.  My periods have been so out of whack, and my hormones are all over the place.  I really hope I'm not pre-menopausal.  Maybe this is my body's way of telling me that I'm done.

purtz

Hi, just a lurker from the May 2014 board. This topic has been on my mind a lot the last few months and I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about it.

I thought I knew we were done in May after our second baby was born; so done that I voluntarily agreed to get my tubes tied during my c section.

We have a perfect daughter who is 3 and now a wonderful son. It took me a long time to convince DH to have the second and even longer to conceive at 36 years old. Luckily DH came around and he even thanked me recently for completing our family with 2 babies. I think he even said, "You were right." Life with two kids is harder than I expected but fun!!

Now I just feel the void. I will never be pregnant again. I know my hormones are still adjusting (done BFing and expecting my period any day now) and technically my biological clock is still ticking, though the wiring is disconnected. I just wish I could throw that thing out the window already and move on! Enjoy the children I have and stop wondering, "What if?" Just be done.

Thanks for letting me vent!