Body Image during Pregnancy

kyungsoo

Hi, I'm in my second trimester, twenty weeks pregnant with a baby boy. My pregnancy was unplanned, but I can't wait to meet him, and start a family with my soon to be husband. I was hesitant at first about becoming a mom, but I find I really do want this.

Anyways, the point of this post is to ask you how you're dealing with your pregnancy weight gain. I'm small for twenty weeks some people say, and I'm still struggling with an eating disorder. I really want to overcome my fears for the sake of my baby, and I know I'm being vain and selfish by being upset about my body, but it's just so hard when I look in the mirror and I'm bigger than I've ever been in my entire life and I just feel so ugly. 

I try to tell myself that as long as my baby is healthy and beautiful it doesn't matter if I'm not, because I'm going to be a mom now, and I need to stop thinking of myself, but sometimes, that doesn't work so well. I don't fit in many of my old clothes anymore, but I don't have enough money to buy proper maternity clothes. 

I just want to know what any of you would suggest to help me enjoy the rest of my pregnancy, and so my son will be as healthy as he can be. Maybe we can share tips if anyone else is struggling with their weight/body image during their pregnancy, too. Becoming a mom is a beautiful thing, I just find it hard when I don't feel beautiful about it. 

PS. I'm only 21, and my to be husband expects me to lose all the baby weight after I give birth, and I'm not sure if I'll be able to. ;~; .

kyungsoo

@NariaDreaming He expects me to lose it after I give birth. I want to lose it all too, but he's also putting a lot of pressure on me right now to eat more because of the baby when I get really uncomfortable and anxious around food, and he knows that. Anyways, I just wanted to know how to stay positive while I'm growing my baby. My fiancé isn't really an asshole.

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kyungsoo

@AudeSapere89‌ that's a good idea. I've never been to therapy before because I didn't like the idea of it but it might be the best option if I'm going to ensure that my baby is healthy. Thank you. I've never been diagnosed with an eating disorder, but obvious signs of one are not eating or eating very little, feeling guilty about eating, and purging food after ive eaten a lot of it. It was really bad a few years ago, but I've gotten better and know I need to be healthy again since I'm going to be a mom.

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Justabean3

He needs to stfu

kyungsoo

@Justabean3 Maybe, but I didn't make this discussion for people to tell me my fiancé is an asshole. I'd really like to know how others are dealing with their pregnancy weight.

Justabean3

I didn't call him an ass. I said he needs to shut his mouth which is how you will deal with it much easier.

Body image is relied for most people greatly on how we think others see us. I know from experience and I'm not talking out my butt. Pregnancy is hard as it is and added pressure by a loved one makes it 10x harder.

Acoyston

I am also in my 2 trimester just over 21 weeks and I was diagnosed back in 2009 with severe anorexia I was hospitalized multiple times and just recently this past September been in some what of a recovery phase and actually got my period back after years of not having it and was able to get pregnant in January. So I know how you feel about the weight gain and baby image this is the most I have weighed in my entire life and I am very uncomfortable but I know why I am doing it. I see my doc who specializes in eating disorders every 2 weeks and remind me that my body is not mine right now just for the time being. You cannot be selfish and worry about how much weight you gain you are doing this for baby. You just have to let it go acknowledge the feelings at first and then tell yourself why you are eating and why you have to keep eating. It's for 9 months and as far as losing all the weight from your bf unacceptable. Saying comments like that do not help it will only increase your anxiety around eating if I were you I would sit him down and tell him how you feel when he says that and tell him you will
Lose the weight on your terms. This is your body he needs to stop saying stuff like that to you. You are carrying his child he needs to get a grip.

kyungsoo

@Justabean3 Sorry! I didn't mean /you/ called him an ass, but some other people had, I'm sorry that came across the wrong way. It's more of a problem with me than it is with him, I mean, he says he'll love me no matter how I look but he says it'll be easy to lose the baby weight after I give birth but he doesn't understand how hard it is. I'm likely going to need a c-section, too, because of the way my womb is shaped so after weeks of bedrest after childbirth I'm not sure how in the mood I'll be to exericse. I'm hard on myself though. I get mad if I gain a pound, and I don't have money for maternity clothes so I'm stuck in oversized hoodies and stretch pants. :c

Justabean3

I've had 2 c/sections and I was on my feet in days. I wouldn't worry about being in bed weeks, in reality it is bad.

My first I gained 50 and it came off slowly.
My second I gained 27 and it was off in 10 weeks but the majority in 2-3 weeks. I'm 32. You have a lot more helping you out with age on your side.

I know anorexia is hard. I have been there but pregnancy is something you have to just do. It is a short time.

As far as logically dealing with it. Don't weigh and when you go to the doctor weigh backwards and tell them not to discuss your weight. Eat healthy like fruits, veggies and protein.

I have sent you a message.

kyungsoo

@Acoyston Thank you for this great comment. I've been thinking for a while about how to talk to my fiancé about how I really feel when he makes comments about my eating habits and my weight. He's always telling me I need to eat more, but then he says, as if to comfort me, "you'll lose all the baby weight when you've given birth", and I'm overreacting a bit but when he says that, it makes me feel like he expects me too, and I just don't like that pressure. I know him, and as much as he says he'll love me no matter what, he'll look at me differently after I've given birth and not in that, "you've just had my baby' sort of way but a "holy shit what happened to you" sort of way. Maybe I'm giving him too little credit, but he does harass me about eating a lot. If I say I'm not hungry, he gets mad at me, if I say I want to eat healthy, he gets frustrated, because he thinks that when I say that, I mean not at all. I'm really trying to just not give into ice cream or chocolate cravings and instead eat lots of vegetables and fruits and other forms of protein to gain weight. Then at least I can make myself truly believe (because it is, right?) healthy weight gain. I don't agree with you when you say that for how it's not my body, because yes, even though I have my son growing in my belly, it's still my body. I will continue to try not to be selfish, and remember that it's all for the baby, but it's still my body, I just have to share it with my baby for now.

kyungsoo

@Justabean3 Thank you~ I like the idea about not weighing myself and asking the doctor not to discuss my weight with me. That's a great idea, because I don't need that extra anxiety. I'm going to continue to eat healthy, and if I get cravings, I'll try eating lots of sweet fruits instead of indulging on fatty foods. Dark chocolate is apparently somewhat healthy for you? So maybe I'll try buying some of that and eating it in small doses when I'm feeling down. I've heard a lot about not being able to walk for months, but I guess that's not always true? I hope I'll be back on my feet in a couple of days, because I want to be able to spend time with my baby, not on bed rest.

RedBaramid

Hang in there sister!  Just before we got our BFP my husband and I had worked with a doctor to set up a plan for me to diet because I was unhappy with my size (and I should be, I am too big for my height by a significant amount). For years I have been discouraged from dieting due to my inability to distinguish between healthy dieting and self starving. (I've got some mental health issues) I was devastated to learn I was pregnant and all of that would have to go on hold.

Every time I look in the mirror I  cringe a little, because I am growing in the opposite direction I want to be. I hate people taking pictures of my belly and commenting on it, because I am embarrassed to be growing bigger.  But you know what really helps?

Knowing that every time I eat something, it's not for me, it's for her. I get a really great sense of control knowing that I'm counting calories and watching my intake for the proper amount of nutrients for her.  For me, my weight problem/disordered thinking when it comes to food mostly stems from a desire to be in control. I actually take pride in knowing I am getting the right amounts of everything I need. It's gotten a lot easier, I've been able to let go a little and give into cravings without fear (because man those cravings are tough). I also still struggle from guilt when I know I've eaten what I need to eat, but I still want seconds.. but when I stop and remember that I am wanting it for her, it's easier to handle. I've actually done really great with my weight gain. I am right on target for what they want someone of my size gaining.

It will take time, but I think if you are as determined as you seem, you'll make it. I also suggest seeing a therapist or a counselor.  Maybe you and your BF could see a nutritionist together and have them outline what a healthy diet for you looks like right now.  It would put you guys on the same page and give you a shared goal to work to (instead of you feeling bad when he pressures you to give into cravings that make you feel guilty).  

You're going to be a great mother if you're so willing to work so hard to put yourself aside already.  I wish you the best of luck.

kyungsoo

@RedBaramid This comment made me so happy. Thank you so much for sharing your advice with me. Whenever I think of my stomach getting bigger, I get this horrible feeling, but reading your comment made my heart flutter because you're right, I shouldn't think of it as myself getting bigger (even though parts of me are), it's all for my baby, so he can grow, so he can get bigger and be strong and survive outside of my body and so I can hold him in my arms. I really do need to talk to my fiancé about how I feel when he encourages me to eat more. I know he means if with the best intentions, but it's making me uncomfortable. Thank you so much again for your comment. You've helped me a lot.

Shonanny

Without knowing your fiancé I am guessing he thinks he is helping you by making the comments he has. He can tell you are not happy about the thought of gaining weight and is 1. telling you to worry about the baby now, and 2 in a guy way reassuring you that you will lose the weight after the baby arrives. I do not think he is trying to be anything but supportive. I would talk to your dr. and just make sure you are on a path that is healthy for both you and baby. I have never experienced an eating disorder, but it is hard to see your body change and grow so much and remember it is a good thing. Once you are a few weeks further I think it will be easier to enjoy the pregnancy. The first 1/2 we sort of just feel bloated and all that.

Maybe you should try to go to a thrift store for some clothes. Or just buy a few basic things that you can wear throughout your pregnancy. That way you are not spending a lot, but will feel good.

hpileggi

I had an eating disorder from the time I was 17 to 25 (i'm currentley 28 and 22 weeks pregnant ) I was bulimic and would throw up at least 4 times daily .

What motivated me to change was the thought of becoming a mother and not wanting to die . I found that my thoughts consited of me worrying about my heart giving out or that one day when I decided to become a mother not being able to because I had messed up my body .

you are going to gain weight cause that's how pregnancy works , in order to keep my body image positive I focus one eating the right stuff instead of the junk food I want to eat ,and spent so many years throwing up.

I like you went to get help (it was group therapy ) I found being with other woman who seemed to have it much worse then me motivated me to want to live and not be this weak creature.

Recovering from an eating disorder is hard and it took me a while not to stick my finger down my throat each time I ate something but then I joined a gym and realized that being skinny is not healthy! eating right and working out will make you lean and strong which is what is desirable to people not being a sick unhealthy person

I wish you luck in your Journey and remember your body is not just your body anymore .

 

beccalee721

I definitely agree with PP that a therapist might do you some good. Even taking your fiancee along might help you both. If you don't go that route you NEED to talk to him about how his comments make you feel. My DH has tried to be "supportive" in the past when I was working toward losing weight and he would comment on cheat snacks I would have etc which he thought was being helpful and I felt like he was attacking me. I had to explain how it was coming across even if it seems irrational to him, and trust me he thinks my thought are irrational all the time, but he accepts them. I have never had to deal with an eating disorder ((hugs)) but from another woman's point of view, this is my second pregnancy at 25 weeks (DD is 19 months) and I catch myself looking in the mirror almost everyday being disappointed with how "fat" I feel. Then I remember there's a person in there and it'll all be worth it in the end. Every woman is different and yes what you do exercise and diet wise during your pregnancy will impact your body's recovery afterwards but don't kill yourself stressing over your body! I know that's impossible sometimes, but I just try to remember that me stressing out about little things like that is pointless and just plain exhausting. Eat when you're hungry, try to make sure you eat healthy items every day and the more active you can stay (even walking, don't try to run a marathon) will help.

CafeRed

Have you discussed this with your obstetrician?  They should be keeping you updated regularly on your weight and whether or not it's an acceptable amount for the health of your baby.  I wouldn't worry about your post-baby weight at this point.  You can cross that bridge when you get there.  If you think about it too much now, you will just add unnecessary stress to your life.  But I would definitely recommend that you talk to your doctor (or counselor) and discuss this with them. 

Best wishes to you as you head in to the second half of your pregnancy and look forward to your precious baby being born.  Hugs to you!

kyungsoo

@Shonanny @hpileggi @beccalee721‌ @CafeRed @kyliedaniellexx‌ Thank you for your support. I appreciate your comments and will take them into consideration. I've been feeling a lot better lately, but sometimes I just break down. I'm trying to remain positive, knowing it won't be like this forever, and my son will be beautiful and healthy as long as I stick it out.

indianaalum

I suggest this nicely (not to be mean or snarky) but perhaps you should seek some counseling if you believe your eating disorder might be impacting your weight gain during pregnancy. at the very least, discuss openly with your OB/GYN as eating properly is extremely important to the baby. 

I wish you the best of luck

kyungsoo

@dorothyzbornak97‌ That breakdown is much appreciated, thank you. Wow though, that's a lot of weight just in my stomach. That's pretty heavy, but I guess you're right, it's not all me, it's the baby. I'm not getting fat, I'm simply providing my baby with what he needs to grow. Thank you all of you for all this advice. I've been selfish about my weight and I think I needed a good smack of reality. I know it sounds like I'm repeating a lot, but it helps me process the information. There is only twenty-twenty two weeks left of my pregnancy, and then I can go back to being slim. You're all right, I don't need to be this stressed over it.

kyungsoo

@indianaalum‌ You don't sound mean or snarky at all, I appreciate this comment, too. I'm looking for a therapist that I can trust to talk to about my eating disorder, and I think I'll also try to discuss it with my OB. I'm trying really hard to overcome it. I've only gained eight pounds in my pregnancy though, so far, and I know I need to improve, but I just feel like I want to die every time I think about eating. I need a change of view, and I'm trying to get that. I'm also trying to find a moment when my fiancé isn't too busy, to sit down and talk to him about how I really feel about this. He thinks I'm just not eating much because I'm vain, maybe I am, but I do care about this baby, and I need my fiancé's help if I'm going to overcome my fears, get through this pregnancy, and make sure our son is healthy.

katiefritzler

I definitely don't have an eating disorder, but I relate to you in all the other ways. I've gained too much weight so far in my pregnancy, and the doctor just said to me that I need to watch it because I'll have a hard time taking it off after the pregnancy. I'm 20 weeks as well, and I've already gained 30 pounds and gone up 2 cup sizes. I was thin to begin with too, but definitely not underweight. 

For me I loved my body very much how it looked before my pregnancy. I had smaller boobs and a smaller frame, but enough curves and I'm very tall that clothes always seemed to look nice on me really no matter what. Now I have a hard time feeling comfortable in what I'm wearing. I have to wear a uniform at work and it's unflattering on my pregnant body. I look frumpy or chubby in it most of the time. It's frustrating to me to look at my body now and not like every bit of it like I used to. But I know that it's not because I'm lazy or stupid or whatever that I'm gaining weight, I'm gaining weight and my body is changing because I'm creating life somewhere where there was none. 

As for your fiancé, that's too bad he talks to you like that. I know you think he isn't an asshole, but my boyfriend has never once told me how I need to look. He wants me and the baby to be healthy. He doesn't mind the extra weight gain (especially in the boob area!), and I think he's the kind of guy who likes a little extra meat on their women. He tells me I'm beautiful every day and that he loves me. I can show off new underwear or bathing suits the same as I did before, even though there's a "gut" in the way now. I think that honestly plays a huge role in me being as comfortable as I am in my skin now. If he wanted to know how long I was going to be this big for, or telling me to lose the weight right after the birth of our child, I would be very upset with him and I think it would be hard for me to feel as positive as I do. I'm not saying it's his fault you feel the way you do about your body, but if he was more supportive it would be a lot easier for you to feel better about yourself too. 

And don't worry. Women all over the world have body issues. I'm sorry you have an eating disorder, that's going to make it that much more difficult for you. But just try your best. And remember, if you don't get enough vitamins and minerals from your diet or any supplements, your baby will start leaching them from you, making you feel tired and worn out and not as happy. Just try to take care of yourself and the baby  

kyungsoo

@katiefritzler‌ This is my favorite comment yet. Thank you so much for this. I think the bigger issue between my fiancé and I about my weight, besides the eating disorder, is also my stubbornness. He doesn't compliment me often, but earlier in my pregnancy, he would, and I'd get upset and cry, that he can say that all he wants, but it doesn't make me feel beautiful, so I think he's almost sort of given up in that department. I don't think he understands the degree of terrible I feel when I catch myself in the mirror or when I get dressed in the morning or when I finally give in to eating. The doctors say my baby is doing alright, but they've been encouraging me to try to gain more weight because pre pregnancy I was about 103-105 lbs, and I'm 20 weeks, and despite feeling huge already, I'm only 111 now, and it's most the baby. See, one of the biggest problems is the proportions, am I right? Because it wouldn't be as bad if my breasts were a little larger, hips a little curvier, butt a little plumper, but no, my stomach sticks out so far my old shirts don't quite fit over it, and my ass is big enough that my jeans are too tight to do up, and my thighs touch slightly and nothing is going on in my boobs. A chubbier face wouldn't have been so bad either, but it's everywhere that I don't want the weight, and too much of it. I hope for you that you can get the weight you want off after your pregnancy, but your boyfriend sounds lovely, and if you feel comfortable in your skin at a larger weight, then I doubt you'd have to worry too much, I'm sure you really are beautiful. I'm going to try to challenge myself not to lose all the weight after my son is born. I'll get rid of my post partum tummy, but I might settle for 110-115 pounds, (after toning up), because I've been too obsessed for too long with being tiny. But then again, I might just feel all around better back at 105 pounds, so I don't really know ;; I will decide later. Another problem with my fiancé is that I've begun to agree to eating large amounts of healthy food, like fruits, and vegetable sandwiches (I'm a vegetarian, for health reasons though...) in big portions, and I tell him things like, if I get a weird craving, don't let me eat it, I'll feel awful afterwards, I rather just subdue the craving with some salty crackers or a smoothie, but he refuses, and says it's okay for me to eat ice cream and things that I'm irrationally afraid of because it's good for the baby, but then I get upset because that means he cares less about me, and that he's altogether, not listening to my argument. I'm honestly quite tired of people telling me I have to do all this stuff for the baby. He has no job, I work, but he doesn't want me to work because of the baby. I love this child already, but I'm pregnant, no disabled, and I can still do things on my own like make choices about whether or not to devour a tub of salad or a tub of ice cream. I'm sorry for the rant, just this morning is especially bad for me.

megmarissa

Had to pop down from 3rd trimester... I'm so sorry you are struggling with this. I've been in recovery for 5 years now after a 12 year battle with that horrible disease. I highly suggest finding a counselor or even a nutritionist in your area that specializes in eating disorders especially while you are going through your pregnancy. Even after 5 years, and one other pregnancy, it is difficult to keep my mind in the right place. I still ask to be weighed backwards and my doctor and I have an understanding that if something is wrong then we can discuss it.

Throughout this whole wonderful, crazy process called pregnancy remember a few things....

• Be gentle with yourself. You are growing another human being who is going to love you regardless and look up to you.
  
• Your weight does not define you... the number on the scale does not define you. You define by the choices you make each and every day.
  
• As cheesy as it is... it is one day at a time... or even more appropriately, one meal/snack/etc at a time.
  
• If the weight doesn't magically drop off in a month/year/2 years after pregnancy, that is okay. Your beauty will come from your strength. (I mean hello you are growing another person who has endless potential... you have endless potential)
• In regards to your fiance, I'm not sure of his intentions but remember... when you accept yourself, you are freed from the burden of needing others to accept you.
• ... and finally... don't wish this time away. Enjoy every moment of pregnancy. It may be your first... it may be your last... don't spend it wishing it was over so you could lose the weight. 

I hope you can find peace in this journey.

mrs_sheddy

I'm also 21 and have struggled with eating disorders since I was about 16. I am 15 weeks pregnant and find it really hard to see my weight go up at every appointment. While you may question your fiance saying you'll lose it after birth, it's really the best outlook to have to stay positive. There is no use in struggling through the pregnancy because of what may or may not happen afterwards. All you can do is eat healthy and stay active now! And stay positive! Baby isn't going to care how big or little mommy is, and I'm sure daddy won't either. You aren't alone, best of luck!

Edited to add that reading everyone else's posts are very helpful and encouraging

katiefritzler

@kyungsoo Well thank you dear. After reading that response, I feel as though you should definitely seek some help outside of these forums and outside of your fiancé. You want to be healthy now, and also, healthy after the birth because your baby needs you! And you don't want your child growing up with the same body image issues you have. So I really suggest, as others have as well, to please go look in to some therapy or something outside of this. 

And eat those weird things girl! I had ice cream cravings like crazy, and 9/10 I indulged in them. Sometimes I would try to go for frozen yogurt instead, but normally I went for the ice cream. And I don't regret it! Haha but that's just me. 

As for your body image and how the weight is being distributed, the reason it's going mostly to your belly and hardly anywhere else is because you aren't gaining enough weight!!!! If you gained more, it would distribute more evenly. But that being said, I see where you're coming from. I've been small chested most of my life, and now I've gone up two cup sizes. I always prided myself on knowing my breasts would stay perkier for longer than most people, and now I worry about them sagging after the pregnancy and after breastfeeding. As for right now though, my boyfriend loves my boobs went up two cup sizes already.

On a completely other note, I know what it's like too for the man not to be working. My boyfriend has been working on and off, and in my first trimester I worked two full-time jobs, and now that I'm in my second trimester I quit one of those jobs, kept my 40-hour a week day job, and started a night class. It honestly sometimes bugs me that I'm already exhausted from trying to make this baby and he is at home doing nothing… Oh well. I hope you don't feel that way towards your fiancé, but if he can't even be financially supportive right now, I hope he can at least be emotionally supportive. 

Good luck, dear! Enjoy your pregnancy. It will be over before you know it.

nickicl

Hi.

With my last pregnancy, I gained approximately 42lbs.  Although everyone else is like "oh your bump is so cute,"  well I personally am just not that into the look, its a means to an end for me.  I'm not into naked maternity photo shoots or making a cast of my belly etc., I'd just as soon forget my swollen up days.  After I had the baby, I was too preoccupied with baby to give my weight loss much thought but luckily most of it came off pretty easy for me (never the case in other stages of my life).  I did breastfeed so that may of helped and we joke that I had very little time to eat and drink as a working mom (although again its important to get those nutrients in reality as I'm sure you know.)  My baby was born in Dec 2009, by July 4th 2010 I was wearing a smaller size in shorts/pants than prior to my pregnancy.

4 years later, I'm 13 weeks pregnant with my second.  I feel like I look about 16+ weeks but I started out with a little more weight (added back slowly over the years of careless habits) and with the recurring pregnancies people do tend to show earlier.  Weight-wise I've only gained a few lbs.  My 4 year old tells me all the time that I'm pretty. I'm grateful for this, but I cannot wait to own my body again.  If I'm going to have a big belly, I at least want to be able to drink beer dang it!

So anyway, I don't know exactly what your going through but I think its ok to feel what you feel.  Not everyone finds pregnancy body to be their sexiest self.  Just try to be healthy.  Take it one step at a time.  If you practice healthy eating and activity habits, the rest will likely fall into place in time.  

Chances are, with your youthful age and non-excessive weight gain you will be back to a fit body soon, but do it for you, your health and your own confidence.

  

nmrd

kyungsoo said:

...

Anyways, the point of this post is to ask you how you're dealing with your pregnancy weight gain. I'm small for twenty weeks some people say, and I'm still struggling with an eating disorder. I really want to overcome my fears for the sake of my baby, and I know I'm being vain and selfish by being upset about my body, but it's just so hard when I look in the mirror and I'm bigger than I've ever been in my entire life and I just feel so ugly. 

...

I know we're trained to see weight and curves as ugly, and it's really hard to combat this especially when it comes to judging our own bodies. I wonder if it would be helpful to seek out and surround yourself with photographs you like of pregnant women that could help you associate pregnancy with beauty and move toward celebrating your curves rather than cursing them.

I know it's easier said than done though, especially when you are dealing with an eating disorder. I agree with others that therapy and talking to your doctor are great ideas. If you haven't been to a therapist before I know it can be difficult taking that first step, but it can make such a huge difference. I would see if you can find recommendations online, from your doctor, or from someone else you trust. And/or meet with a few therapists if you don't click with the first one. You could also look into support groups in your area if you think that would be more helpful.

Also, I'm sorry your fiance is causing you more stress--based on your follow up responses it does sound like he's trying to help. Has he sought out any support or resources for himself when it comes to supporting a partner with an eating disorder? He may also want to consider doing some reading and finding a support group or therapist (or couples counselor) so that he can have a better idea how to help support you through this process.

I applaud you for speaking up--I know it's hard. And I wish you the best.

kyungsoo

@nickicl @nmrd thank you for your comments. it's so hard though for me to cope, to get through each day much less enjoy it. i appreciate everyone's help but im a hopeless case. i don't even want this baby. i want him to be healthy and safe, but i don't want to be his mom. this responsibility was just thrown on me and i didn't have any choice, and people will say that if i wasn't ready for that responsibility than i shouldn't have been having sex, or that i'll love my baby when they're here, but i won't. i don't love him, and i just want what i had back. i don't want it to be the three of us. i want my fiancé back, my relationship with him is being ruined because of this baby. he only cares about this baby. can we close this discussion? im tired of complaining and explaining my feelings to people in my real life because it's getting me no where and i just don't know how to handle it anymore. it's only been five months and every day gets worse and i just feel more and more horrible about myself, about this baby, about everything, i want nothing to do with it. i just want it all to be over.

nmrd

kyungsoo said:

@nickicl @nmrd thank you for your comments. it's so hard though for me to cope, to get through each day much less enjoy it. i appreciate everyone's help but im a hopeless case. i don't even want this baby. i want him to be healthy and safe, but i don't want to be his mom. this responsibility was just thrown on me and i didn't have any choice, and people will say that if i wasn't ready for that responsibility than i shouldn't have been having sex, or that i'll love my baby when they're here, but i won't. i don't love him, and i just want what i had back. i don't want it to be the three of us. i want my fiancé back, my relationship with him is being ruined because of this baby. he only cares about this baby. can we close this discussion? im tired of complaining and explaining my feelings to people in my real life because it's getting me no where and i just don't know how to handle it anymore. it's only been five months and every day gets worse and i just feel more and more horrible about myself, about this baby, about everything, i want nothing to do with it. i just want it all to be over.

I don't think you have to explain anything here at least, and I don't think we have to continue the conversation if you don't want to. Sorry you're having such a rough time. I hope you'll consider talking to your doctor and/or a counselor about how you're feeling and hope you're able to find the support you need so you can take care of yourself.

Acoyston

Look into adoption please
Give this baby to someone who might not be able to have one and who will love this baby if you can't do that. It's ok to not feel ready to have a baby it's a huge change for anyone. Take care of yourself

SSCmomma

kyungsoo said:

@Justabean3 Maybe, but I didn't make this discussion for people to tell me my fiancé is an asshole. I'd really like to know how others are dealing with their pregnancy weight.

By not listening to their So's if they're assholes.

CranberryCookie

I think it also may be confusing for your fiancee if you make comments to him like "if I get a weird craving, don't let me eat it, I'll feel awful afterwards" because then he feels like you do want him to make comments about eating, when it sounds like you really don't want him to make comments.  You may not realize you are sending him a mixed message.  I'm going to echo what everyone else has said about therapy because you want (and deserve!) support right now.  Maybe your OB can help you find other pregnant women who are on a healing path and agree to not trigger each other throughout their pregnancy.

marathonmommy82

Please speak with your OB about this and see a therapist. You have a lot going on.

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happyhorse

You sound like an intelligent woman. I think it's nice that you posted on here because other women in your shoes might read this and take comfort in feeling like they aren't alone. (You aren't alone at all)

Looks like you've gotten some good, genuine advice so far too. (Just don't take anything to heart if it feels like someone is talking from a wrong or mean-spirited place ... we all run into it sometimes)

I just wanted to add a suggestion I didn't see so far: would you have the means to see a midwife, in additional to an OB and therapist? Some midwives are covered through insurance and/or offer sliding fees based on your means to pay.

My midwife has excellent suggestions about nutrition and health and I've felt like she has a much more friend/family oriented approach than the OB. My midwife will be attending the birth, which will make me feel more comfortable I think.

Just another idea for you

cheazyniff339

You're fiance doesn't sound very supportive if he 'expects' you to lose all your baby weight as soon as the baby is born. He might be encouraging your eating disorder.
That being said, I have body image issues too now. I haven't really before but now that I'm 25 weeks pregnant, I feel so flabby. I am also really small for how far I am too though. People have been commenting on my weight or what I eat (I've only gained 14 pounds my whole pregnancy) and it's really making me self concious. I didn't feel ugly or fat before but since people are saying things to me, now I feel fat even though I know I'm really not!

kyungsoo

@happyhorse just to say to everyone else, ive been busy and that is why i have not been replying to comments, also, i'm at a loss for words, but i appreciate all your advice, i really do. the midwife idea is something i have not considered, but i actually think it sounds very reasonable. my ob is...i don't like them very much, let's just say that, and they aren't helpful at all in boosting my confidence with this pregnancy. a midwife sounds like a great idea, i will definitely look into it and see if the fees are reasonable because my fiancé and i are quite tight on money right now. thank you, though!

kyungsoo

@cheazyniff339‌ all I'm going to say about my fiancé now is just that ive talked to him about how he's making me feel with his comments, and he's stopped saying anything about the way i eat, and that's actually done a good deal in helping me improve my eating habits. i think he still disapproves, but at least he's not vocalizing it...for now...im so sorry you feel bad about your body, too, you know what helps honestly! it's tough, i know it can be so tough when you're told all your life that only the thin are beautiful and such, and some people have strange perceptions of what's thin, but if you look in the mirror every morning when you get dressed and you tell yourself that you're beautiful, and that you're going to try really hard today (at work, at eating, at keeping it together, etc) then i guarantee you'll feel a bit better during the day, if not really good. i tell myself every morning that I will get through this, and that I will be a good mother to my baby, and some days I don't believe it but if I only say the positive outloud, then I feel that's what's true. It might be dumb, but I think it helps. I wish the best of luck to you. I'm sure you're beautiful, even if you don't feel that way.