Update: Trial Separation

silvie25mar

So it's been a little over a week since i've posted about the "trial separation" my husband wants to take. 

I feel like i'm trying to be pretty mature about the entire thing- looking at all areas mine and his but more importantly i'm taking 100% responsibility for my 50%.  If he chooses to do so which I think he is that is great.

We've had some talks again in the past week, nothing has really changed he is still very much trying to figure things out. His answer to everything i'm asking regarding our future is simply " I don't know"

What I had said on Sunday to him was, to me... I don't know is not a NO.   It isn't a yes, but it isn't a no either.  My take on I don't know if that he wants it to work (just won't come out and say it) but doesn't know how to get over the obsticles in his mind.  I guess that is fair? I don't know.

In terms of the Vegas trip-   I cancelled it.   Instead I have booked Cuba and will be relaxing on the beach for a few days by myself.  Something I very much need and expressed to him that by me doing this, if things work out it eliminates me holding it over his head that I still haven't gone away since DD was born and he has(work related or not it's still a trip)  I'm actually looking forward to the time by myself.  

When I told him, he actually got teary and emotional, didn't really express why but just said that he wished we could have had that and he's glad i'm going.  Well... we COULD have had that but he chose not to, something i'm picking my battles with and just letting go. 

While i'm gone he is moving back into the house to be with DD.  Some say they think that he will stay there once I get back, and don't likely see him leaving again.   

Yesterday I had my first visit back with my therapist. It was very clensing I think, and reassuring. She doesn't think he is showing signs of immediate decisions on permanent separation, and that like you guys i need to give him that space to breathe for a little.    It was very hard for me to admit to this for some reason and I don't know why... but my moods very much revolve around my periods, and having PPA/PPD has really shown and proven this to be true.    Years ago before babies, a GP doctor told me I should try anti depressents...   furious I left and said no wth is he thinking.    After I had DD,  my Perinatal Doctor/therapist said I could benefit from them.   Again, I did the same thing and wanted to do it alone.  

Now, my psychologist is suggesting that this has obviously disrupted my life in a negative way and that I need to really think about why i'm saying no.   So in the end.... yes I think i'm going to try the medication, I guess I have nothing to loose and all to potentially gain. 

I haven't figured out what kind yet as i go to see my GP tomorrow.   My Perinatal doctor after birth suggested Zoloft 50mg once a day for a week then increase to 100, as it was safe for breastfeeding etc.   I'm VERY VERY worried about side effects.

I went home yesterday - told DH, and he was very surprised I made that choice and was very happy I decided to finally take that step.  He still wouldn't say much more but I felt a little reassured in some ways with that.   I hope he can see i'm trying.   I just want him home

MommyAtty

Good for you! I was always very, very anti-meds for what I thought were "minor emotional issues" until 2 things changed my mind. My BFF started having panic attacks so severe she was ending up in the ER thinking she was having heart attacks, and my brother went through a painful divorce and needed anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds. Hand to God, those meds saved his life. So if you need them, TAKE THEM. Would you fail to take insulin if you needed it? Probably not. Health issues are health issues. There shouldn't be a special category for so-called mental health issues. And have a great time in Cuba!!!!

Helenahhandbasket

Have a great time on your trip-- I think it's great you are going and it may give you some clarity.

I think looking into meds is a good idea/ option.  There are all different kinds of medications and they all have different side effects (and will effect each person differently or not at all).  It may take some time to get the right dosage and right med for you, but it can be so worth it.  It doesn't have to be forever, but it may help you get through the roughest bits.

Hugs.  This too shall pass.

Ago

Zoloft worked for me, but I felt pretty emotionless with it and I had some stomach issues with it. They changed me to Celexa and it is perfect.

AZ123

From reading what you wrote, your head is all over the place. You seem to think that sitting in cuba for 3 days or getting away will help and let me tell you, that's the depression talking. You will feel better when you're on your trip but then you'll come back to same mess. 

I had a delayed post partum with my second child. I took antidepressants for a year and then weaned off with my drs help. It was amazing how much they helped!! I did the antidepressants and also went to cognitive therapy which really helped me be able to analyze situations of things in my life. The therapist also gave me the tools to provide a thoughtful response and reaction to things so I wouldn't get so upset or blow things out of proportion. The meds really helped my irritability from a physical standpoint. Lastly, the cognitive therapist helped me identify triggers.

You can change the situation. You can keep your husband and family together but I don't think you can do it until your head gets a little clearer and you're able to process and make appropriate changes.

silvie25mar

pavlovcat said:

 

Thank you so much for this post.  It's refreshing to find somebody that isn't thinking that i'm blaming myself for everything.  I might be in some ways yes, but I really am trying to look at all ends of the spectrum, to assess everybodies feelings. To try and figure out what I might do if I were in his shoes and while I cannot force him to do the same for me I just hope he does and i'm sure he is. 

You're absolutely right, some of the things you said here about coming home and not knowing who would be there really kind struck a chord with me because he has mentioned this before.  I don't want anybody to feel that way let alone him and I want to be able to fix this.  I said to him the other day that maybe this is what we needed to fix this and I think he agreed but he still has said nothing has changed as of right now.  That how do you expect me to figure stuff out if everybody keeps asking me over and over what i'm going to do and wanting to talk about it.   I guess I get that, but I wish he could just say I want to try and make this work but I dont know how, and if it will.  I guess I just want his commitment like he promised when we got married.

That all being said, maybe he's made his choice loud and clear andi'm just trying to find loopholes in his actions and words to make MYSELF feel better that there is still hope.     I'm completely torn.    Am I wrong to say that if he really wanted it to be over he would have made it clear he wants to sell the house and wants a divorce.  He keeps saying things like I don't know how I feel, I don't believe your actions will change, and things like " IF we make this work blah blah blah"   so I know he is considering it.   

In response to the pp about me going to Cuba for 3 days.  You're absolutely right, it won't make things better but it will give me a few days to step away from the situation, have a little time to breathe, and come back with a clearer head ready to take on whatever is about to happen- good or bad.    Me saying that right now makes me think... maybe thats all he needs too and i'm preventing him from having that, i'm not sure.

I wish I knew the answers but I guess like everybody says- I just need to be patient and wait.       Alot of the time i feel like i'm not good enough for him anymore, because he's not willing to stick around and commit to making it work.

jellybean529

I was terrified of medications as well, but I've been on Lexapro for most of the last 4 years and it has made all the difference for me, and zero side effects. Each medication works differently in each person. But I say give it a go.

My XH did pretty much the same as yours when my depression got to be too much. Sparing the details of everything that happened...at the end of the day, he bailed. But he was never supportive from the start.

Good for you for getting away for a few days to clear your head. Sometimes a change of scenery can make a difference. Good luck to you!