Recently divorced...kids struggling

Courtney721

Hey everyone....so I'm sort of new here.  Haven't been on the boards since my first daughter was just a baby.  I am hoping someone here has been through a divorce with small children (my girls are 2 & 4) and can either give some advice or just tell me things will get better.  We have been separated for almost a year, but I didn't find a new house and move until about 4 months ago.  Ever since then my 4 year old has been acting out, but only at me and only when she is at my house.  This weekend was the worst and I don't know what to do.  She has said to me that she doesn't love me anymore and only wants to live at her daddy's house (he has a girlfriend already living with him that has two daughters also).  She cries for her daddy almost every night.  It breaks my heart and honestly, it hurts my feelings.  I know that part of the problem is that her dad is still in the old house, which is the only "home" she has ever known, and she also loves playing with the other kids there.  Someone please tell me this will pass and we will be able to work through it.  

20thirteen

I'm so sorry to hear about your divorce.  I haven't been through one, but I am a child of divorce.  I hated my mom for *years* before we worked things out and we've been closer than we have ever been. There are others on this board who have been through or are going through a divorce. I hope you find what you need here, support and commiseration, maybe a laugh or two.  Welcome to our board

jellybean529

I'm going through a divorce. DD was 5 when we separated. It'll be a year ago in September.

In that time, we've gone through XH moving out, XH applying for jobs in a new state, me accepting a job in a new state, XH moving back in for a month (while we were both preparing to move), then both XH and I relocating to new homes a thousand miles apart. In that time, DD graduated preschool, started kindergarten, and had to switch schools. She also went from being the only child in the house to being one of three children (I live with my sister and her two kids, ages 7 and 5, are there every other week). That's a lot of turmoil for a kid to go through.

She IS coming out the other side much better. For the first couple months, she really, truly struggled. At one point she pretty much stopped eating. Her tantrums were off the charts. She started to have separation anxiety. But now, for the most part, she's a joyful little girl who has been through a lot and learned to roll with the punches. She still has her moments of sadness and we still have a few issues to work through (for example, she has a very hard time expressing any negative emotion so she will hold it in until she bursts, poor kiddo). But she's okay. She's happy and adjusting and making friends and doing normal kid stuff and just thriving.

It does get better. I promise. 

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tig594

I wasn't married to BD and DD is only 15 months old.  However, I hope things get easier for you both sooner rather than later.  It's tough, I know.  

freeatlast2014

I am currently going through a divorce and my kids are 3 1/2 and almost 2. We are on a roller coaster. Right now it's fun for them cause my ex is at his parents and they love to see their grandparents and sleep over. I'm still in our family home so they spend most of their month here and are super comfortable. However, both arrangements (well at least mine) is short lived cause I can't afford to stay here. I'm nervous for the day they no longer come home to the only home they've known.
One major change so far is I pulled my 3 year old out of a preschool that was 3 days for 2 hours each day and my in laws stopped babysitting. I then put both kids in a 3 day all day daycare. That transition, while rough at first, turned out super smooth in the end. The kids now love it.
This is a grieving process and so much change and is hard on everyone. Fortunately the kids are young and resilient and they will pull through. This (divorce) is better for us than the alternative. It's hard though. And I cry often. So do the kids.

Good luck. We are all here for you.

WatchmansMoon

Gosh, I'm sorry.  Try not to take what your children are saying or doing during this time personally.  They're going to act out their frustration, and I'll bet you hit the nail on the head when you said they're in their "own home" when with their dad.  When they have to leave, would you guess that they're associating your new home with the bad feelings and pain of separation of your old lives?  It may have nothing to do with you, but is just a result of the pain of loss they've experienced.  It may not get better any time soon, but can you focus on 1) making them feel as loved and secure as you're able under the circumstances, 2) taking care of yourself and 3) not taking their words or actions so personally?  You may fare better in the end.  HUGS and blessings to you!

~ Seek the Light ~

Courtney721

Thank you all for responding!  Yesterday was one of the hardest days yet.  But my fingers are crossed that things can only go uphill from here.  I keep trying to tell myself that it's not me that she is mad at, it's the entire situation.  

freeatlast2014

I was also thinking - if she acted out at his house he probably wouldn't even tell you (well, I know mine wouldn't). So don't just think it's only when she is with you cause I'm sure that's not the case.