MIL advice

Addy1227

I know some of us are probably tired of the MIL vent posts so I'll try to keep this on point. My fMIL texted me about a half hour ago asking if she could 'take' LO Monday the 23rd. First of all I hate when she asks to take him, it already makes me want to find an excuse to say no. And I hate how she gives me no details, it's like pulling teeth. How do you expect me to give you an answer if I don't know what time or anything like. 

So I texted her back saying it should be fine, that he has a doc appt coming up so I'd just have to double check (giving me an emergency out if needed, his appt is the following Monday) and then I asked what time and for how long. She sends me 9 am to dinner time. Again no details what so ever! You want to take my baby for 8.5 hours and aren't going to tell me why? If you just want a grandma day that's fine but just tell me!

I realize I most likely sound incredibly over bearing right now but SO and I work opposite hours so when LO's not with me he's with SO and that's what I'm used to. He's rarely with other family by himself for more than 2 hours. The only person he really does spend 2+ hours with is fMIL, about every other month maybe. But it's very frustrating because she doesn't listen to me, doesn't send updates like I ask, doesn't get him home on time so he can nap, didn't feed him lunch the last time because she thought it had peanut butter on it and instead of checking or texting me she just didn't give him lunch. She does what she thinks should be done rather than what we tell her. I even used to leave her notes and she still wouldn't listen. I left a note when he was like 6 months or something saying no TV and pacifier is only for nap time. We come to pick him up and he's sitting in front of the TV with his pacifier! Sorry this is getting ventish and I feel like I could go on and on!!

Anyway, am I over reacting? I know I need to talk to her because every time she asks to spend the day with LO I have a complete freak out before hand. I haven't responded to her because I just don't know what to say without sounding like an over bearing control freak, but if your taking LO all day I'd like to know what your doing and where your going.

Litgirl77

I'll admit I'm a total control freak - but there's no way I'd just hand over my kid without knowing exactly what the plans were. And I'd honestly have no issue saying, "What are your plans? I'd like to know what I should pack in his diaper bag." 

And honestly, I'd never let my MIL take LO for that long period unless they were planning to return home for nap time. If I were you, I'd make up some sort of appointment for either before or after nap time so they have to be back or don;t leave until after. If you start putting up boundaries, I bet she'll start explaining why she wants him the whole day.

SingleMom31

I think it's totally legit to ask what she's planning. Also, I think you or DH need to talk to her about things like not giving him lunch... I can only imagine how miserable of a day DD would have without food. That wouldn't be okay. And, if she doesn't give you a good feeling about it, you can say no...

jac409

There is no way I would let anyone take my LO all day without telling me what their plans were either. Especially when that person has a history of not following instructions. I would definitely make up an appointment before or after nap time so you can make sure he gets one. You are the mom. You have every right to know what her plans are if she is taking your child for any amount of time.

Addy1227

I asked her plans and it's pretty much just to spend time with him, nothing really special planned. On that note I think 4 hours after nap time is a much better time frame, rather than all day. I know she probably thinks she's doing me a favor by giving me the day to myself but I'd honestly just go insane all day worrying if he napped, or if she put his sunscreen on or if she gave him something to eat he shouldn't have... all things that have happened before.

Beth.1212

If she was the kind of MIL that followed your rules / instructions, I'd say to just get clarification on where they were going to be and try and enjoy your day. 

Since you can't trust her to do what you tell her, I wouldn't let her be alone with LO. You follow my rules or you don't get LO. One bad burn as a kid increases the risk of skin cancer appreciably... I'm not willing to risk that for the sake of not rocking the boat! 

I'd invite her to spend the day with the two of you. If she pushed, I'd probably just say that I think it would be a lot of fun for the three of you to spend the day together, that it'd make your day easier to have an extra set of hands on deck, and you know that LO will enjoy spending time with grandma. (Depending on your personality and relationship with your MIL, and how your DH feels, you could also take the 'I can't leave him alone w/you b/c I can't trust you to follow our rules' approach.) 

JessAnnJ

I would have zero problem with any oft family members taking LO for a whole day. I never ask my inlaws what they are going to be doing with DD. But, the difference is I trust them and you don't trust her because she has been irresponsible in the past. I think you or DH need to have a sit down with her in person and talk about this because she's always going to be grandma and she always going to want to spend time with your LO.

kescalera

The only people who take care of Killian besides DH and myself are his daycare/school and occasionally our friend but she will either stay at our house or just take him to run errands with her for a couple hours. 

He's never been left with any family member for a full day without one of us. My parents have handled a half day involving a nap but they followed my suggestions exactly. I would never let DH's parents or siblings take him for... anything, ever. 

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JessAnnJ

I must say I'm surprised at how many people won't leave their LOs for the day. I understand OPs issue, but given the age of our LOs I'm surprised that people would not leave their LOs even with family they trust.

SingleMom31

JessAnnJ said:

I must say I'm surprised at how many people won't leave their LOs for the day. I understand OPs issue, but given the age of our LOs I'm surprised that people would not leave their LOs even with family they trust.

We leave DD at daycare all day, which is probably part of it for us. With her being there 10 hrs/day and us not seeing her while we're at work, I don't like the idea of someone else watching her the other times as well... Like, I want her at home.

The other part is that I wouldn't trust most of my family with her. She can't tell them what she wants or needs yet, and I wouldn't trust that they'd make the best decisions since their only frame of reference was raising me 30+ years ago. We can generally tell the difference between fussing over being hungry, being thirsty, needing a nap, wanting something she can't have, etc., but I feel like they'd be shooting in the dark and like it would be frustrating for everyone (including me when she comes home crabby).

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JessAnnJ

DD goes to daycare so I get that. I also get not having family to actually leave her with. We maybe left DD with family for the entire day once. She mostly spends shorter chunks, but if my ILs or my sister, those are the family members close by, wanted to spend a special day with her I wouldn't hesitate. I don't stress about naps. No permanent harm will be done if her nap schedule if off for the day. Part of it may be that she goes to daycare but I don't stress about the more minor stuff that some people do. Not feeding my child as OP mentioned and not responding to me is definitely not the small stuff though.

ETA - The last time my inlaws watched DD at our house she kept asking for snacks and they were giving them to her because she asked. She seriously ate like three earths best cereal bars. DD knew she was getting away with something, but in the end there was no real harm to her eating some extra snacks. Today my inlaws took her for frozen yogurt which caused her not to eat much dinner. We don't feed her frozen yogurt. Again, not what I would have done but I don't think DD is harmed by this so I let it go. I'm happy she's building memories with her grandparents. I only wish she could spend more time with my parents. We never know how much time we have with anyone in our lives and I've decided not to sweat the small stuff when she's with loved ones and to leave my micromanaging to the things that really need to be micromanaged.

jac409

JessAnnJ said:

I must say I'm surprised at how many people won't leave their LOs for the day. I understand OPs issue, but given the age of our LOs I'm surprised that people would not leave their LOs even with family they trust.

I have left her for the day with friends I trust, who also have small kids and are pretty in tuned to what she wants/needs just by virtue of having little ones themselves. We don't have any family around here, so to leave her all day with them when they are around would probably be really frustrating for them and for LO. It would be nice to have someone around to give us a break occasionally, but it is what it is.

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Addy1227

I completely agree with not sweating the little stuff! When LO was younger I'll admit I was very uptight about some things but now I realize it's fun for grandparents to give LO's things they normally wouldn't have, especially food and since he doesn't eat junk on a daily basis it won't hurt him every once in awhile. 

There's just some things I can't get over, like not putting on sunscreen because vitamin D is good for him, LO has very fair skin; skipping lunch (as mentioned) for what I believe was a horrible reason (I get it was a peanut free facility but LO doesn't even like peanut butter, all it would've taken was a quick text or phone call to be sure), and I'm a Nazi when it comes to naps, LO has always been an on and off napper. If he doesn't nap he's up frequently at night and that puts me at risk of a migraine the next day.. no thank you! She normally returns him with a dirty diaper that normally wasn't changed the whole time, unless he pooed, she'll change that. But honestly the experiences I've had with fMIL almost scar me when it comes to anyone watching him.

Sorry if this is hard to follow, I realize the grammar is pretty poor.

Addy1227

SO agrees with me but he kind of made a valid point, that is goes against her natural instinct as a mother to check in with someone else, when she thinks what she's doing is right. I get that, it actually makes some sense but LO is not her child and she needs to listen to me as his mother. Why I am telling you guys this and not her is beyond me! SO and I will have to talk to her before that Monday to ease some of my worries.

perfectlove09

Addy1227 said:

SO agrees with me but he kind of made a valid point, that is goes against her natural instinct as a mother to check in with someone else, when she thinks what she's doing is right. I get that, it actually makes some sense but LO is not her child and she needs to listen to me as his mother. Why I am telling you guys this and not her is beyond me! SO and I will have to talk to her before that Monday to ease some of my worries.

A lot of people have already said what I would have. This is nuts though. We're all mothers here now and I highly doubt any of us would not check in with another child's mother if we were watching him/her. I'd disagree with your SO that "it goes against her natural instinct" it sounds more like it goes against her need to do things her own way and not care that's she's caring for another woman's child. That's just rude. And to not feed him, not change him, not get him home on time for nap or bed time, not put sun screen on him, not reply or update you via a simple text message...it's really just her having a blatant disregard for your feelings, wishes and rules.

Yes grandparents are going to spoil our kids...sometimes to our great irritation, but they shouldn't completely ignore certain requests you make. That in my book is grounds for "Thanks fMIL but why don't you hang out here at our home with him? I'm not comfortable having him away from home all day" Period.

My mom and MIL watch my daughter at my house. My MIL more than my mom since she's retired and my MIL has a great handle on things. She understand almost all of what DD is trying to say/do, she asks what time she needs to go down and eat and what she should feed her, she knows where the sun screen is and she knows the rules we have in place for DD. My mom is here once a week and even that at times is iffy. And almost every time she is here DD either doesn't get her nap, doesn't eat healthy (i.e. she gets WAY too many treats that we don't feed her...sugar, sugar, sugar) and I tell my mother to please stop but it's not all the time and it's not anything super critical. If she was my only babysitter I'd have to put my foot down more.

I know it's important for children to know their grandparents but it's also important for them to have happy mommies too and if fMIL is causing you a ton of stress and making your day hell then it's not worth it.