AW- What do you do when....

rslh10

Hey Ladies, this is by no means a pity party, but pure curiosity and I hope I conveyed that properly. 

I just wanted to know what you do to make yourself feel better when you go to "the dark place" of a loss/losses. Are there certain things you tell yourself, things you do, places you go? 

 My mind has been racing lately about my loss, TTC in the future, and pretty much I have straight up fear of another loss.  I've been having an internal pity-party of sorts because every one think's I'm doing "better" and that I'm moving forward. I am, in theory, doing better as the days go by. I just have bad days, like I'm sure many of you do, and get bummed out.

I think today I'm going to go buy some flowers and plant them in my flower bed for my LO that we never got the chance to meet. Maybe something yellow, as we never knew the sex. Hopefully that will help me feel better and get out of my funk. Also, the tiki bar might help....  

Reading all of your posts and comments on all the threads really cheers me up and gives me a sense of happiness, so thank you all for that. TB really helps to take my mind off of things. 

DenaMaree

Sorry for your struggles! Darn hormones don't help any!! I was set off by almost anything for the first four weeks after our loss, but each week since I have gotten better and better. We did do a memorial garden on our patio for our babies and got a memorial rock that simply says "Born into Heaven". I LOVE going out and reading on our patio where I'm next to the garden. I also purchased myself a necklace from Things Remembered with the same saying "Born into Heaven" and the birthstone of when our babies would have been due. Wearing it seems to have given me strength when I've needed it.

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Km380

I know it's not entirely healthy but, I do the same as @meladoriestar‌. Sometimes running helps. And when alcohol is not an option I can usually be found sitting under the shower crying it out. Sometimes I think it's ok to just embrace your sadness, get it all out and then try to be better the next day.

MrsKush1014

{{hugs}} rslh10 I'm in the same boat.  I'm so terrified of another loss that I'm still not ready to TTC again.  I've also been pretty down in the dumps.  I love your plan to plant flowers in memory of your LO.  Lately I've had the 'fake it til you make it' philosophy.  Sometimes just putting a smile on your face, even if it's fake, can help to make you feel better.  

And if faking it fails, I'm with @meladoriestar @Km380 and @HoldingOutHope - get drunk.  I plan to do that tonight!

Feegan

((Hugs to you @rslh10))

I've found myself retreating to my "projects" during those moments since our loss. I'm simultaneously working on a handful of things, all things that allow me to be productive while in that dark place. From gardening to furniture re-purposing, I find I just need to DO something while working through the feelings and pretty soon I find that I'm not thinking about anything at all and just lost in the work. The added bonus is that I have usually completed something of merit afterwards. Yesterday I managed to refinish some end tables for our bedroom.  

Although I would love to drink my face off and have a cryfest, my husband would get seriously concerned... so busy work it is.   

Km380

@lav17 that is exactly why I don't do yoga. Pre losses I tried yoga a few times and always left so sad and on the verge of tears. Always thought it was just me though. Maybe someday I'll try again. I'm glad it helps you though :-)

buggirl72

I find vocalizing what I'm going through/what I am thinking to be good. It might be talking it out with H (ex. I'm upset and crying because not only am I mourning Z's loss, I'm mourning my chance to be a mother of a living child). Until I actually said it, I was a stressed out emotional mess. Once it was verbalized, I felt better.

Vocalizing may also be typing something on here or it may be sitting down and writing about it. That is one of the reasons we recommend people start a blog or find some way to journal what they are going through.

Finding ways to remember your LO is good as well as recognizing that remember and thinking about them is okay. The more you do it, the less painful it gets. Burying what you are feeling is not healthy and it will be much harder to deal with later - because it will rear it's ugly head and come back.

buggirl72

lav17 said:

Km380 said:

@lav17 that is exactly why I don't do yoga. Pre losses I tried yoga a few times and always left so sad and on the verge of tears. Always thought it was just me though. Maybe someday I'll try again. I'm glad it helps you though :-)

Well, it was a good release, but I was so shocked at my reaction that I only went once I was there with a friend and scrambled to compose myself before the lights went back on. It was just very weird, I really don't like crying in public. Maybe doing it at home would be a better idea, but then you don't get that live contact with the instructor, so I don't know )

I love yoga but could not do it in the immediate months post loss. As soon as I had to lay flat on my back quietly I was a mess.

mflowers929

When I'm not at work (because I can't stop to think about myself much at work) I usually am watching movies/shows or doing chores until I'm too tired to do anything but sleep. Having something to do means I'm not thinking too much about anything else.

RedTwizzlers

Ideally, I go for a run, eat some junk, and watch a movie or TV.

akleng

You can add me to the get drunk list. Sometimes a bottle of wine and good cry just really helps.

jennadesigns

I'll join the rest of you on the drunk list. I can usually be found working as many hours as possible, or drinking wine when I'm not. I don't want to think about how many bottles I've gone through in the five weeks since my loss.

I also garden, craft and read books. Anything to take my mind off of it because if I don't... I'm back in that dark place again. I do journal and I find that helps. It's not something I've done before, but it's nice to get everything out and be able to reflect back on how I was feeling.

stine28

mflowers929 said:

When I'm not at work (because I can't stop to think about myself much at work) I usually am watching movies/shows or doing chores until I'm too tired to do anything but sleep. Having something to do means I'm not thinking too much about anything else.

This. I started watching CSI from season 1 while I was pregnant and I've kept it up. I feel like time is what I need most to put a little more distance between myself and the loss.

I've also replaced most of the towel bars in my house, painted half of a bedroom and done a ton of gardening. If I can't fix my real problems, I can at least fix some of my daily annoyances at home.

NoeliaV

lav17 said:

buggirl72 said:

lav17 said:

Km380 said:

@lav17 that is exactly why I don't do yoga. Pre losses I tried yoga a few times and always left so sad and on the verge of tears. Always thought it was just me though. Maybe someday I'll try again. I'm glad it helps you though :-)

Well, it was a good release, but I was so shocked at my reaction that I only went once I was there with a friend and scrambled to compose myself before the lights went back on. It was just very weird, I really don't like crying in public. Maybe doing it at home would be a better idea, but then you don't get that live contact with the instructor, so I don't know )

I love yoga but could not do it in the immediate months post loss. As soon as I had to lay flat on my back quietly I was a mess.

Wow, I didn't realize it was so common...

Yeah, anytime I find myself really alone and in a quiet space, I inevitably turn into a sobbing disaster. I'm an introvert, so this is an odd feeling-- not wanting to be left alone-- but I find myself just wanting to have someone, anyone in the room with me. It's like a distraction.

For OP, I am sending you big hugs. I've been indulging in some retail therapy, as I *hate* the feeling of being intoxicated, and am really trying to not eat so poorly (my pants can't take that anymore)... 

MSU_Girl1202

rslh10
For me, I've found that time is the only thing that has truly helped...I have started to have more good days than bad. The bad days still happen...I was a total emotional trainwreck the other day when for some crazy reason, I decided to watch the video I made of when I told DH that I was pregnant (seriously stupid of me to do), but aside from time, I started throwing myself into distractions when I'm having bad days...manic cleaning, or baking, shopping, gardening etc. The flowers sound like a wonderful idea.

newfmom7

Definitely more of the same. Definitely drinking a lot, crying, eating a lot while crying, sleeping a lot because of the crying, and cleaning a lot when I get up because I have a burst of energy. But that's just on weekends. M-F I work too much to think and I'm thankful for it. I don't know if one every really comes out of the darkness; but my new meds help

Older women I've talked to who have had losses admit they still grieve and CIO from time to time. I think it just tends to happen less and less as time passes and we find other things to fill the void.

I hope you find some of the suggestions helpful, I think the overall message is to just stay busy; acknowledge the pain, but stay busy.

rslh10

You ladies are the freakin best. I am so thankful to be a part of this board, and all of your suggestions and comments have been perfect. I bought some flowers to plant now, and found some beautiful yellow dahlias and yellow foxtail lilies to plant for next year. Both are perennials so I will have them as long as we own this home. I can't wait to see them next year, and smile (read: cry). I think I'm going to throw myself into eating better, working out, and cleaning my house top to bottom. Hell, maybe I'll have a yard sale. THANK YOU ALL!!!! :x :x :x

jjbmstinco

Sounds like you have a great plan.  I throw myself into projects around the house to avoid thinking about everything. Once I am in the dark place, it is very hard for me to come out, so that right there is motivation to not let me get there.

Good luck!

Lizzyrella

First of all, let me say I am sorry you are in a funk and I hope the flowers help. Our loss was in April, so gardening was therapy for me as well!

For me, I kept feeling sad and kept trying to keep busy and keep my mind off of it. I tried to return to normal. It wasn't until I fully acknowledged the loss by breaking down and crying until I couldn't cry anymore that I felt better. I think I was trying so hard to move on and get back to "normal" that I was repressing my emotions. And deep down, I was worried that if I didn't acknowledge the loss, who would? Once I let out all of the emotions, I felt so much better and able to move forward, not forgetting, but not trying to avoid the issue either. 

I still need to get a charm for my necklace, I think that will be helpful as well.

heathersf11

I'm sorry you are in a dark place right now. If I'm feeling sad or frustrated I usually do yard work, or clean the house (also booze). ((((Hugs))))

rubysi

I can say it does get easier. The first few months I was a mess. I did a lot of baking/eating to keep myself busy. I watched a lot of movies and tv shows that avoided sadness, comedies and action. Alcohol helped some, but speaking to everyone here really helped. I also started to smile... even if it wasn't real it seemed to help and become more natural. hope everyone will find their way out of their dark place soon. Hugs

alm288

I also self-medicate with alcohol some nights. I never said I had the best coping mechanisms. I'm didn't realize crying in the shower was common, but sometimes that makes me feel better. I feel like a good cry releases some of my inner sadness and tension.

On a healthier note, I run 4 times a week. I've been running for years now and it's a great way for me to release stress and kind of channel my negativity. I started doing yoga again (after about a 10 year break), but honestly I haven't been keeping up with it. My crazy work/travel schedule seems to get in the way and most days I prefer to run.

I will say that over the past few months, I have a lot more "good" days - I needed time to heal. Good luck!

goldengirl84

I wish we could all hang out together IRL, pass the bottles of wine around and have a good hard cry... and maybe some laughs too!

rslh10

@goldengirl84 I was thinking that too. It would be so cool to meet up, have a few drinks and a good meal. Im sure it would end up like the Tiki Bar thread though 

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goldengirl84

meladoriestar said:

@goldengirl84 I was thinking that too. It would be so cool to meet up, have a few drinks and a good meal. Im sure it would end up like the Tiki Bar thread though 

I met up with @jlworden710‌ a few months ago. We went bar hopping and got pretty hammered and had an awesome time!

That is awesome!!!

sfazar

Hello friend, 

          I have not really introduced myself to the board at large--only the August Angels posts--but I feel compelled to respond to your message.

          The best way I have found to bring myself out of that dark place is to read the words to the hymn "My Life Goes on in Endless Song".  I don't know what it is about those words that give me such comfort and joy, but perhaps you also have a beloved poem or song or mantra that you can retreat to. 

           I'm glad to hear that you have been planting. My first acts in my "denial" stage of grief were to order plants for the spring although it was February! And I am cheered by my garden now.  I also signed up for a ceramics class. 

Wishing you peace!

BFP 11/25/13; MC 01/12/14

adelee_1

Cry listen to music read a good book ( except all the ones I have downloaded since loss have babies or people trying to have babies in them. Avoid those) fund something positive like the sun or the love of DH. I hug my puppy or a teddy bear I have had forever sometimes your allowed to feel dark and sad just don't let it last. You are healthy and alive make the best of it. I am not preaching but I am very religious so I went to church I pray abs I read the bible and remind myself I have no control. So sorry for your loss.