DS says he's a girl

nomadica

DS (age 4, ASD dx) lately has been saying that he is not a boy, that he is a girl. It's starting to bother me. I actually don't think that this is a transgender kind of issue- for example, he has no interest in "girl" toys or clothes, preferring more "boyish" toys such as cars and Legos, or gender-neutral types of activities (board games are a favorite right now). If this did turn out to be an issue of transgender, I would support it 100%. I actually think it is more about being contrary. DS is often quite contrary. For example, yesterday he asked me how much 9 plus 9 is, and when I said 18, he said "No, it's 19" and we argued back and forth on this for a moment (when I realize I'm arguing, I just let it be!). This is really common. And when he says he is a girl, he also often then says that I am a boy. I think he does understand the difference accurately, but perhaps he doesn't. I told him that boys have penises and girls have vaginas, and then he said he doesn't have a penis, though he obviously knows that he does.

I'm not sure what to say in response to this- I used to correct him, and now I just basically ignore it, since perhaps the whole point is to get a rise out of me. If you have any thoughts, though, I'd love to hear them. TIA!

greyt00

DS1 has never said he's a boy but he has said several times that his grandma is a boy.  Not sure why he picks on her.  He also said I am a boy once, I think.  I think DS1 is being contrary as well because for the last several weeks he has been answering all kinds of questions (things we know he knows) incorrectly.  He usually appears to be entertained by it so when he answers wrong I usually say the correct answer, very matter-of-factly and change the subject.  I think he's playing and this is not very productive.  I'm not really sure what I should be doing!  Sorry, this isn't a suggestion, it's more of a "I feel you..."

nomadica

Thanks, all!

Auntie- yes, he's bright and fairly verbal, but definitely challenged with conversational skills. He also definitely struggles with understanding the kid-adult thing. He often says he's a grown up, and sometimes tells me that I am not the boss (not in an angry way, more matter-of-fact). He'll argue (again, not angrily, just matter-of-fact) about anything- he'll say he's 70 not 4, he'll insist the lake is a river when I say it is a lake, etc. It can be annoying, but I mostly ignore it (right thing to do?).

When I ask him why he thinks he is a girl or wants to be a girl, he usually can't really say. Once he said it's because doggies are girls (we have a female dog and he does like to pretend to be a dog).I didn't even know where to go with that one.

typeset

My kid went through this, but he was really attached to me and surrounded by at least eight female therapists who doted on him for thirty hours a week. 

As you already suspect, your kiddo sounds like he's attention seeking. 

Salemkitty13

Sounds like attention seeking to me too. Working on conversation and more desired/appropriate ways to get your attention may help. One thing, the attention he might desire may be the debating type back and forth you described so you may need to look for topics that can lead to more of an appropriate debate.

greyt00

-auntie- said:

greyt00 said:

DS1 has never said he's a boy but he has said several times that his grandma is a boy.  Not sure why he picks on her.  He also said I am a boy once, I think. 

If your son is on spectrum, this could also be a language glitch. It could be a word reversal- like a pronoun reversal. Very common ASD thing. DS used to reverse "ask" and "tell" as in "Tell Zach's mom if he can over." He also took the word "warm" absolutely literally. If I was running his bath and he wanted the water less hot, he'd ask me to make it warmer which is accurate but unconventional.

He is on spectrum but in our case we were asking him if people (mommy, daddy, brother, OT, cousin, etc.) were a boy or a girl.  Some people he was always accurate on.  My mom for some reason he wanted to be a boy.  I think only one time I (mom) was a boy.  Why would he just do it with one person all the time, or does it matter?

nomadica

-auntie- said:

nomadica said:

Thanks, all!

Auntie- yes, he's bright and fairly verbal, but definitely challenged with conversational skills. He also definitely struggles with understanding the kid-adult thing. He often says he's a grown up, and sometimes tells me that I am not the boss (not in an angry way, more matter-of-fact). He'll argue (again, not angrily, just matter-of-fact) about anything- he'll say he's 70 not 4, he'll insist the lake is a river when I say it is a lake, etc. It can be annoying, but I mostly ignore it (right thing to do?).

There's a certain subset of kids who are really into debating. I dodged this bullet, for the most part, but I know kids who present like Aspergers/ASD who are compelled to debate and negotiate all.day.long.

It does get old. 

When I ask him why he thinks he is a girl or wants to be a girl, he usually can't really say. Once he said it's because doggies are girls (we have a female dog and he does like to pretend to be a dog).I didn't even know where to go with that one.

Have you ever looked at the Alan Sohn book? He talks a bit about "fantasy boys" and how to manage their flights of fancy/delusions/magical thinking. He had us validate around intent, but bring him back to reality. i.e. "it's fun to pretend to be a dog sometimes, but you have to go back to being a little boy by dinner" kind of thing.

Yes, he definitely likes to debate; unfortunately, I can't think of any real way we could have a debate, since his conversational skills are quite limited. I guess I just shouldn't worry about the whole "I'm a girl" thing and just keep an eye on it? I will check out the Sohn book- looks interesting. DS will take the pretend thing too far (e.g. he pretends to be a dog at the state park, and will sometimes run up and sniff people if the dog is doing that, too. Sigh)