Etiquette — The Bump


So, I'd love some advice.

We have a couple that we are friends with whom we met at our adoption classes. Their timeline has been very similar to ours, began trying to conceive when we did, moved to adoption when we did, and became active about 3-4 weeks before us.  They are incredibly sweet people who we have been hanging out with once a month or so since we met.  We were matched last month but held off on saying anything to them because we felt weird.  We had a brunch together where we didn't say anything but afterwards felt really awful, like we were lying (even though we just don't want to hurt their feelings).

Yesterday, the wife calls me to say they've been matched to a baby and are flying out that night so they can't have coffee with me today. Hours later, the whole thing is up in smoke as the baby had medical needs they were unprepared to deal with.  I had been planning to tell her over this coffee date before our next double date so she could process privately and not have a whole evening ruined. She wants to go to coffee still today and I have no idea how to navigate this.

I adore her and know she must be in a lot of turmoil. I certainly don't want to be all " OMG I have a match!" DW says to just not say anything unless directly asked, which is sort of my plan but I would feel like a giant piece of poop if she thought I was hiding stuff, or if the news makes her even more sad.


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me:33 my wife:32      married in June '12
LONG road through IF ending in heartbreak and frustration.
Moving on to Adoption : matched 5/14! 
Our beautiful son was born August 25, 2014!! 

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Re: Etiquette

  • This is tough.

    If you still have a bit of a wait, I think I agree to hold off unless directly asked. Then I would play it off as a very recent match, and obviously not a sure thing, which may lessen the sting a tiny bit given all she's gone through.

    Another option is to focus all conversation on her or non AR topics until she has more time to process her recent loss
  • ETA: this will also depend on your relationship and her personality. I hated it when people tiptoed around me with pg announcements when I was dealing with IF. I recognized that their fertility status in no way impacted none. Ditto for adoption timelines. Bit others may react differently
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  • I think give some time for the dust to  settle. We made friends with 2 other queer couples during our adoption classes--- One had an identified match and had the baby 4 months later, we wound up also in an identified match with a baby about 8 months later, and the third couple is still waiting for a match. So--- it's been hard because I know how much they are hurting that they haven't had a match yet--- but--- they have truly been joyful for us and love our kid. So give your friends some time to let the grief shake out. And then tell them. I'm sure they'll be happy for you.
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  • I have to reference them calling you immediately upon a possible match, so in that case I would feel I could do the same in return, however I don't think right now is the appropriate time considering. Give it some time, but don't hide it too long, they will be super happy and super supportive I'm sure, obviously you have some kind of connection with them, and if they weren't going to be truly happy for you, I'm doubting you would have such a great connection;)
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