Intro and PPROM

daffodil428

Hello ladies,

 

After snooping around, I think this board is best for me. I feel like I need a board with losses more similar to mine. I find myself getting angry and jealous of others with earlier losses (1st tri) and don't think I would be an effective support for them right now. But maybe I am that person with an "earlier loss" to you ladies. Maybe my loss wasn't late enough to fit in.. I don't know. Here's my story...

I am 26 years old. I lost my Mother to cancer in 2010. Pregnancy has been very difficult without her. My wedding was very difficult without her. I first became pregnant last summer. I was due 5/19. Unfortunately the baby had passed somewhere between 6-7w and we found out at 10w, but I did not miscarry on my own. I had a d&c in October. I was advised to wait 1 cycle before trying again. As a nurse, I knew the chances of an early miscarriage were high. So although I was sad, I also felt like I was prepared for it. I became pregnant my second cycle trying with a due date of 10/19. Funny how life goes full circle... one due in May lost in October and the next due the same date, but in October. I was thrilled. Halloween is my FAVORITE holiday. I was so excited to be welcoming a baby that could have Halloween birthday parties. I am very crafty and was so excited about making various adorable items for this new baby. I had knit a beautiful sweater for my darling baby. I had started on the next sweater and was almost done when our tragedy struck.

 

I had been bleeding from 7w on. The bleeding was on and off and ranged from light to heavy with cramps. I was checked numerous times for sch and other abnormalities. All ultrasounds came back normal with a healthy baby thriving. All of the genetic testing came back as low low low risk of abnormalities (ie down syndrome, trisomy issues, spina bifida, etc). At 17w3d I woke up to a heavy bleed with cramping. Immediately I knew something was wrong. I debated going to the ER, but considering my extensive history of bleeding I thought I would wait the 1 hour before my doctor's office opened. I was brought in for an ultrasound where they found my beautiful healthy baby, still alive, but no fluid around. My water had broken. We were going to wait 3 days to see if a miracle would happen. There was a low chance that the sac could close the hole and the fluid would build back up. I was upset and prepared for the worst yet hopeful for the best. Unfortunately, while leaving the doctor's office I used the ladies room and found that the cord had prolapsed. I was brought to the hospital. 3 hours after I saw my baby alive on ultrasound, my baby was gone. The latest ultrasound showed her demise.

 

I was induced and delivered the next morning. The labor was uneventful, thank God. I was given cytotec and when the pain began I was given an epidural. I had an easy delivery. No active pushing (which I feared). Our beautiful baby was born and they asked if we knew the gender. We said no, we had just had an ultrasound to reveal our babies gender a few days prior to all of this. We had the envelope sealed at home. We were going to have a gender party 4 days after I miscarried, so we didn't know the baby's gender yet. We were asked if we wanted to know the gender. The doctor said our baby was a boy. I was surprised because I felt in my heart our baby was a girl. Believing the doctor we named him Michael Thomas. 2 weeks later, genetic testing revealed I was correct. Our baby was a girl. This new information was like I had lost my baby all over again.

 

In the end I am left with no answers. Our baby girl was genetically perfect, no abnormalities. So an genetic issue wasn't the cause of the loss. There may have been a sch, but they can't be sure. I had no infection. So my question becomes, what now? What happens for next time? How will anyone prevent this? And since they can't, how will I cope?

 

I am so sorry for all of you ladies, including myself. I pray we all find peace and joy. If you made it through my long post I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your time.

CherryPicked

I'm so sorry for your losses.  I can't imagine the pain of not knowing what went wrong.

daffodil428

thank you kderoy

mumel16

I'm so sorry for your loss and the uncertainty.

AshersMom11

I am so sorry for your loss. Our stories are very similar. We went to our anatomy scan and found out there was very low fluid around the baby. I was sent home and put on bed rest until we could meet with the MFM. At that appointment we found out I had lost of my fluid and I was induced the next day on May 6th.

Because of the low fluid the baby was cramped and had its legs tucked in, so on the ultrasounds they could never tell us the gender. After the birth they asked us if we wanted to finally know  and we said no. It was just to hard too know exactly what we lost.

I totally understand the uncertainty of it all. They gave us no reasons how this happened and said there is not much they can do to prevent it from happening again. My doctor recommend getting a cerclage next time and he will monitor me more closely. I am so sorry you have found yourself here but welcome.

daffodil428

Thank you ladies.

 

AshersMom11 I am so sorry our stories are similar, because I know too well how hard it is. I am thankful you commented though, it is very comforting to know there are others out there with the same issue.

 

Will you be considered high risk next time? I have read good things about vitamin C for strengthening the membranes after 14 weeks. As silly as it sounds, I hope when I follow up with the MFM that they tell me I can try vitamin C. I feel it would give me some hope to hold on to. right now I'm having a hard time being hopeful we will have a family since there is "nothing they can do". 

AshersMom11

daffodil428 said:

Thank you ladies.

 

AshersMom11 I am so sorry our stories are similar, because I know too well how hard it is. I am thankful you commented though, it is very comforting to know there are others out there with the same issue.

 

Will you be considered high risk next time? I have read good things about vitamin C for strengthening the membranes after 14 weeks. As silly as it sounds, I hope when I follow up with the MFM that they tell me I can try vitamin C. I feel it would give me some hope to hold on to. right now I'm having a hard time being hopeful we will have a family since there is "nothing they can do". 

Yes, even though I have had one healthy pregnancy prior to our loss I will now be considered high risk. They do not know what cause me to lose my waters so with my next pregnancy I will go in every 2 weeks for monitoring. I was told to wait 6 months before trying again (which was really hard to hear)  and I am still taking my prenatal vitamins. My doctor also recommended getting a cerclage in case there is a problem with my cervix.

Other than that, everything will just be a wait and see. It sucks because if/when we get pregnant again it feels like all the" fun" of pregnancy has been taken away and replaced by fear and anxiety. As badly as I want to get pregnant,  I am scared of spending 9 months feeling that constant fear.

ikrystal

I am so sorry for your losses.  I love the ladies here on this board - they have been a wonderful support for me and I know they will be for you as well.  You are not alone.  Hugs to you.

VyD81

*siggy warning*

I'm sorry the loss of your baby girl. 

bunnybun4

I am so sorry...((hugs))

kz's_girlygirl

Sig warning*****




I am so sorry for your loss. Our stories are very similar as well.

At my 16 wks apt I asked about cramping and back pain, was told it was normal. A few days later I called complaining of abdominal/ vaginal pressure, especially after going pee. They did a urine culture which I knew would come back neg bc I didn't have a uti! That night, I lost my mucus plug, and my water broke two days later. Our baby was alive and fine when we checked into the hospital, but the next morning he was gone. My water did show an infection but I had no other symptoms and our baby did not have an infection. He was also genetically healthy. I was also induced and he was born at 17wks.

My body failed, and that is a very very hard truth to wrap my head around even now.

I consulted with an MFM after our loss bc I needed some explanation/answers. Unfortunately there are no clear cut ones.

Because of having a second tri loss with pprom and incompetent cervix I am considered high risk. One thing I am determined to do after such a devastating loss is to truly advocate for myself all the time. I felt something was off at my 16 wk apt, and again later that week but didn't insist on being seen. I trust my gut much more now and don't care if I am 'that patient' who calls/asks for extra appointments.

I will be thinking of you and your beautiful daughter, and sending thoughts for healing and comfort as you navigate the weeks and months ahead.

daffodil428

AshersMom11 said:

Other than that, everything will just be a wait and see. It sucks because if/when we get pregnant again it feels like all the" fun" of pregnancy has been taken away and replaced by fear and anxiety. As badly as I want to get pregnant,  I am scared of spending 9 months feeling that constant fear.

 

THIS IS MY EXACT THOUGHT!! We were asked to wait 3 months and for the last 2 pregnancies I was fortunate to get pregnant on the 2nd cycle trying.. I fear two things 1. not getting pregnant as quickly and having another thing to worry about and 2. spending my entire pregnancy filled with so much fear that I don't enjoy it.

 

This last pregnancy I just started to get excited about week 14 then I lost her at 17. So I'm afraid I won't be able to break out of the fear again.

daffodil428

kz's_girlygirl said:

  My body failed, and that is a very very hard truth to wrap my head around even now.

 

I felt something was off at my 16 wk apt, and again later that week but didn't insist on being seen. I trust my gut much more now and don't care if I am 'that patient' who calls/asks for extra appointments.

 

Both of these are so true for me too. I am so upset that my body failed me and let my baby girl go. She was fighting so hard to stay, but MY body didn't let her.  I try to break away from those feelings. I try to remind myself that I carried her and I delivered her well. At least my body didn't completely abandon me. I felt such a disconnect between my body and my heart.

 

As for the "trust my gut" thing I hear ya! I was bleeding for WEEEEEKS. Everyone kept saying everything was ok and my response was always "for now, its ok for now" I couldn't shake the feeling that something was not right. At first I thought I was just paranoid from my first loss, then I knew it was just intuition.

 

Thank you and to everyone for reaching out. It means more than you know

BrittianyM

Very sorry for your losses. Sending thougths and prayers your way.

shandorfml2

I am so sorry for loss....

MeNV

I am so sorry for the loss. This women on this board are nothing but supportive. I hope you find that too. 

hsabyan

I'm so sorry for your losses.  Welcome and I hope you find comfort in this community- it has definitely helped me. ((hugs))

lexusolsen

I'm so sorry for both of your losses.

Noethola

***siggy***

So very sorry for the loss of your sweet daughter.

stefuge

I am so sorry for your losses. These ladies have been an incredible source of comfort and support for me. please know we are here whenever you need us.

a&aw12707

****siggy warning/ rainbow pregnancy mentioned****




I am so sorry for your loss. I'm also sorry I'm late responding. My story is very similar to yours. I started bleeding at about 6 weeks, and it came and went for weeks. Eventually I was diagnosed with a SCH. My water broke at 17 weeks exactly. I developed an infection in the hospital and was induced later that evening.

Due to my loss, I was considered high risk for my rainbow pregnancy. I started seeing MFM at 12 weeks and received progesterone injections weekly from 16 to 36 weeks, bi-weekly cervical checks and growth scans.

Once again, huge hugs to you. I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet girl. If you have any questions, please feel free to PM me.

BoraBoraBaby

Ticker

I am so sorry for your losses. Losing your mother must've been so hard. Then to have these heartbreaking losses, and to go through it without her, I'm so sorry. I lost my grandmother just after finding out that I was pregnant and due this July. I don't know why, but I felt like I had reassurance that my baby would be okay, after all, I had my grandma up there pulling strings for me. Unfortunately, that's not how it works. I learned that the hard way.

Anyway, I'm so glad you found us. I hope you get all the support you need. These ladies have been so welcoming.

mingaling2

@daffodil428  I am so sorry for your loss.  Although the circumstances of our loss were different, we too did not find any answers as to why we lost Coraline. 

Thinking of you. 

daffodil428

Thank you ladies for your wonderful support. Today is another hard day for no reason at all. I just started having sad feelings and now and I am in complete upset mode. I'm glad I came here to see all of these replies. You ladies are amazing. I am so sorry we all are here but I'm so thankful for all of the support since we are here.

dmizak

I'm so sorry for your losses and for not knowing why. I agree it will make any future pregnancies harder. I worry about that too, we had no idea anything was wrong until I started having frequent Braxton hicks around 30 weeks. It makes me so scared to think about trying again and having to just wait the whole pregnancy to see if everything goes okay. I hope maybe your OB can help calm some of your fears.