Upset about Father's Day rainbow mentioned

Bayberry12

Rainbow mentioned.

Ugh I am so upset. As some if you may know, we had our rainbow baby last month. After losing our daughter and three miscarriages, having a living child has finally brought some joy back into my life.

But now I am very protective of my daughters memory. People seem to have forgotten that I was pregnant before, that I went through labor and delivery before, I had a baby before this one.

Well dh just got a happy 1st Father's Day card from is MOTHER. This is so upsetting to me. She sent me a happy 1st Mother's Day card too, but that was the day I got out of the hospital, I was out of it and high on new baby. I just rolled my eyes and threw it away.

This time it just really hurts. She really doesn't think our first child counted. We have been through 2 Father's Days since we had a baby, this is not the first!!

I wish I could say something to her! I hate everything about this. And I hate that my daughter is dead, and no one cares!!

mumel16

Ugh, in laws can be the worst! I'm so sorry! People just don't think sometimes.

For what it's worth, I care about your daughter. She was here and she was important.

erinel

I'm sorry   If it were me, I would say something, is there a reason why you can't?

mmsweeney1

I hate this situation so much - especially when it's such close family! I'm so sorry she did that. I did not appreciate "mama to be" cards this year either. People can just be so clueless, but of course your first daughter counted. You were parents long before your rainbow arrived!

Bayberry12

erinel said:

I'm sorry   If it were me, I would say something, is there a reason why you can't?

I don't really know what to say without starting drama or coming off like I'm ungrateful. And I'm not sure I'm strong enough to confront people when things like this happen.
I had to confront my mom once when she didn't acknowledge my daughter and I was a mess.

erinel

Bayberry12 said:

I'm sorry   If it were me, I would say something, is there a reason why you can't?

I don't really know what to say without starting drama or coming off like I'm ungrateful. And I'm not sure I'm strong enough to confront people when things like this happen. I had to confront my mom once when she didn't acknowledge my daughter and I was a mess.

I understand.  Probably best to just let it be then, but I'm sorry you have to.

princezjk

~~~Sig Warning~~~

(((((BIG HUGS)))))  I am so sorry that you have to deal with this and from your mother of all people.  It is so hard when people don't acknowledge our LOs, but I think it is 100x worse when it is someone close to us.  You have every right to be pissed.  I wish I had some better words of wisdom to share, but as you said, sometimes confronting them just makes it worse.  ((((more hugs)))) and wishing you and DH a peaceful father's day this year.

bunnybun4

I am so sorry.  I wish you could say something...or could DH say something (I read that you didn't want to start drama).  I would just hate for her to keep saying hurtful things and upsetting you when in truth she just doesn't realize how hurtful she is being.

big ((hugs))

ikrystal

I'm so sorry.  That has to be so hard, especially with family.  I would lose my mind if that happened but I wouldn't know how to approach her either.  I do think that something needs to be said, just to avoid situations like this in the future.  Hugs to you.

dadalou

I hate confronting people too, but I would say something or maybe write her a note. I find I can express myself better in writing. Speaking I often get interrupted or talked over and don't get across what I want to get across.

Jellybean71514

I understand even though I have no living children - my future MIL was excited to show me pics of their 'newborn' granddaughter one month after I lost my son .... I grinned and beared it but cried to my DF later. I have known her for over 20yrs and she has always been good to me so I chalked it up to just not knowing better so I never said anything to her- think my DF may have said something because she never did something like that again. It hurt, I cried but I chose to let it go - I feel I can't control people's actions but I can control how I react and handle it though so that feels good that I am empowered to protect myself even if others are not doing the same for me- this may not be the best advice for everyone as we handle things differently but it worked for me xo

lexusolsen

I think you should say something so she doesn't continue to do these things on accident. If you don't tell her it hurts you she will never know.

Xath

If you're uncomfortable with a face to face confrontation, maybe try to write out your feelings gently in a letter?  Normally I'm a huge advocate of talking things out face to face, but in this sort of circumstance, it might be cathartic for you to write out how you're feeling, and then frame it in a way that your MIL will understand.

Bayberry12

Thank you all for caring.
I think when I see her this weekend, I'll say something if the opportunity is there, like she mentions first Father's Day again. But I'm not positive I can bring it up. It may be easier to just let this one go, this time. I'll just see how the day goes.
Thank you all so much for understanding, even though I hate that you "get it" I'm glad there is a place for us.

Noethola

When our rainbow was born, someone took a picture of the three of us about 4 days after we got home. They said "Oh, first family photo." What they don't know is, our first family photo was in the hospital, and in included a framed picture of Elsie. THAT is my whole family. 

I headed off the "1st" Mother's Day reference by posting about it on FB, I think you or your DH could say something about it. A note or something that just says something like "Thankful to be celebrating the reasons I get to call myself Dad: Stella and Simon!" Its pretty drama free and reminds them of your daughter.

((Hugs)) Bay!

angelsnight

Ticker warning

I'm sorry, this happened to me too.  I expected it from people like co-workers and such, but my brother and SIL sent me a happy first mother's day card as well.  That killed me...they were there, they cried with us, they held our angel, they watched her be buried. 

I get that it was my first "happy" mother's day, though that doesn't even sound right because despite the heartbreak I went through, I was still grateful to be Kayla's mommy and have never regreted one second of her.  If I had to go through it all again with the same outcome, I would.

People are stupid and I'll never figure out how people can think we aren't parents to our angels.  Hugs to you and your H

stefuge

I don't have any advice - we haven't dealt with this exactly, although my family basically acted like Colton never existed on Mother's Day, which was weird - but I wanted to send ((hugs)). Hope you can talk to her if the moment comes up.

jess123456

Just want to send hugs to you and know that you aren't alone in feeling this way. I'm very similar to you in that I don't like to start drama or make people feel bad but if there is any opportunity at all to say something to her in a gentle way so she can understand why it made you upset I would or have your husband do it. Perhaps even if it makes her think twice in the future before doing something similar it would be worth it.

People can be so clueless and hurtful and I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. Thinking of you.

Bayberry12

stefuge said:

I don't have any advice - we haven't dealt with this exactly, although my family basically acted like Colton never existed on Mother's Day, which was weird - but I wanted to send ((hugs)). Hope you can talk to her if the moment comes up.

I understand. Everyone acted like Stella never existed every Mother's Day since we had her, it sucks. It seems like a lot of people think if your child died, then you aren't a mother anymore.
Hugs to you.